User:Axyl/How To: Become a Hero
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Have you ever been walking around, minding your own business, when suddenly some dick with super strength, speed, or possibly some sort of combination of the two suddenly runs by to stop a runaway train/bank robbery/douchebag with a laser and knocks you over. You just spent 10 bucks on that Ultra Mega Latte with cream and now its all over the side walk. Well if you follow these steps then you could be the one knocking over people with expensive drinks with fancy names.
Step one: Gaining powers
The first and most difficult step is actually gaining a super power to become one such hero. However, there are several methods in which you can gain said super powers.
Be Born with Powers
This is the probably the easiest way to gain super powers, but once you are born then the process becomes much more complicated. In order to be born with powers one or more of your parents must be a hero. That genetic code is then passed on to you through a complicated process called sex. Now if you are born without powers and neither of your parents are heroes then this is where things get tricky. First you must find a time machine and travel back in time before you were conceived. Please make sure it is a significant amount of time before this happens as it is rather awkward showing up in your parents room while they are doing the nasty. Next you must find a hero to sleep with one of your parents. This may sound like a difficult task, but your mom is actually a pretty easy lay. Once this is done it is just a simple process of being born. However, this may cause a paradox where you exist as two different people so you must kill yourself to prevent the universe from imploding.
Be bitten by a radioactive animal
This process is fairly simple. Get any animal, force feed it uranium (sold at any local Wal Mart), then let it bite you. Be cautious though as to what animal you choose to gain powers from as you will emulate abilities from that creature. For instance, if you were bit by a spider then you would gain 6 more legs and have a desire to eat insects. Some good creatures to bite you are:
Some bad choices are:
- George Bush
Once bitten enjoy the exciting ride as your DNA begins to rewrite itself. Common side effects of this include nausea, vomiting, dizziness, blindness, loss of brain function, and death.
Expose yourself to radiation
For those who wish to get down and dirty right away then this option may suit you best. This process involves dowsing yourself in completely safe radioactive substances to give you powers; the most common substance being nuclear waste. This method is also a bit riskier as the outcome is somewhat unpredictable. Your abilities may range anywhere from a flying muscle man with laser beam eyeballs to gaining cancer. The best way to test if a radioactive substance will give you powers is to have a friend try it out. If he jumps in and doesn't immediately start shooting fireballs from his armpits then it is a failure. If he starts yelling about pain and burning then that is the radiation seeping into his skin giving him powers. Make sure to kill your friend before his power fully manifests as he will become your nemesis and you would have to kill him anyway.
Step Two: The costume
After obtaining your power it is then time to find your super hero costume. Your costume says a lot about you and your powers. For instance, if you wear tight spandex with rainbows on it then people might think you have a colorful attitude and like to work out, either that or you're gay. The best places to purchase costumes are at your local party shop, costume store, or 2nd hand super hero latex outlet. Make sure that once you get your costume that you get enough sets to hide one in each phone booth and alleyway in your city.
Step Three: The alter ego
Now that you have your powers and your costume it is now time to create your alter ego secret identity. Generally the rule for alter ego's is to be completely opposite of what you would think a super hero is. Therefore it is best to be the blandest, nerdy, person possible for your alter ego. Usually the best cover is to be a wikipedian as no one expects them to have any powers, but as that may be a bit extreme for some there are other options as well. It is also important to act as timid and shy as possible. Whenever you see a bug make sure to scream like a little girl and call your parents. Wear gloves when handling paper and explain that you are allergic to paper cuts. Also get a job in a cubicle no larger than 3 foot by 3 foot. Finally, the most important aspect of hiding your identity: glasses. Once adhered to your face the glasses will create miniature black holes that morph the light around your glasses making you appear as a completely different person.
Your secret identity is the most important part of being a hero. Once someone gets hold of your identity they add your phone number and email to a database. This will cause you to get sales calls about extending your car's warranty during epic battles with demons and bill gates. In addition your email in box will be flooded with offers to extend the size of your penis. If anyone ever finds out about your identity make sure to kill them as soon as possible, no exceptions. It is permissible to have one side kick (but no more) that knows you and your secret identity, but just to make sure he doesn't double cross you make sure to implant a bomb into his skull.
Step Four: The secret base
The final step to becoming a hero is to make your secret base. Your secret base is where you go to cool off after a hard days work of punching meteors into space and rescuing cats from trees. The typical secret base includes:
- Frozen bodies of your enemies
- A bunch of crazy looking computers with beeping lights
- A phone to the governor or police chief of a local metropolis
- All your old out-dated shit
- A butler
It is also important to pick a good location for your secret base. Most secret bases are places that people would never look such as a cave full of elephants or your mom's basement. More notably, a base that is protected by traps helps keep out nosy neighbors and villains.
So there you have it. Four easy steps to becoming a hero. You will soon notice that you will suddenly get all the babes and some crazy people with robot dinosaurs will want to kill you. This is, of course, a normal side effect of being a hero.
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