User:Bloroninblorchspit/Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends
The Fictional World In The Show
Thomas the Tank Engine(Pronounced Tho-maz tuh he Eensjiene) is an anthropomorphic tank engine which often operates on the uncyclopedia railway,and destroys the other engines from the "other railway"(Wiki rail)
Thomas The Tank Engine is the most famous fictional blue talking steam engine in the world, and is more popular than even the Flying Scotsman, which, as every child knows, doesn't have a face, doesn't talk, and never falls down black holes in amusing ways.
When Thomas hits the buffers, instead of the driver being suspended on full pay, pending a full enquiry and drug-test results, a short fat man in a top hat will talk sternly to the locomotive whilst standing on an orange box and will say "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" The engine will be taken out of service and made to shunt trucks until it is sorry. Only then will it be allowed back on the main line to be a Really Useful Engine again.
When a driver hits the drink he does not become a dead wreck but in fact inflates until he is fat, is given a job ordering trains from an orange box, and becomes red in the face. This was the fate of Adolf "Obesse controller" hitler,who ran alongside the trains screaming at their unresponsive faces searching desperately for the meaning of death, until he was tragically crushed by Oliver
Thomas' Railway Line In The Show
For Years the Humor Deprived States of the North have been supplied with much needed Humor by the Southern states where Humor is so pleniful that it literally grows on Trees.
The Scarily faced Thomas the Tank Engine patrols this stretch of line screaming in his Ringo Starr Voice at anyone attempting to cross at a point which isn't a signal. He kills anyone in his way, including the OBESE Controller
In the year 2000 the traditional "Trad" story was upgraded so that the whole world would not have to think and could be be bling and hip. This is the new story:
In circa 200,000 BCE, the Obese Controller decided to organise vicious gang of trains on the streets of New Orleans, Buckinghamshire. The gang's dominant areas were in pimping and taking other rails by force. They would grow to rival the famed Virgin gang and would eventually surpass their technology with the advent of gunpowder in 1939. The Obese Controller set up his 'turf' on the Isle of Sod, where he brought in immigrant trains with disturbingly happy faces and broken English and turned them into lean, mean, pimping machines. Also in one famous series a mystery rapist was going round Sodor sexually abusing the engines. In the final episode of season 1, it came out that it was Gordon. As Thomas put it I always thought he was a bit sleazy!
Thomas was to rule his own Branch Line, a land of druggies and dealers. He set off to find two coaches to be his transport. He met Annie and Clarabel. The historical chat log is as follows.
++++ You have entered room:DirtyEngineXXX#. Today's topic is "ENJOY YOURSELVES!" ++++
Thomas488829: Yo, u niggaz up 4 sum coachin???????????????
Anniegrl69: OMG ILL HOOK UR CHAIN UP LUVVY XXX
SxyClarabel75: omg lol u r th gayzzz!!!!
Thomas488829: shut yo face mofo
[Thomas488829 has left room:DirtyEngineXXX#]
However, all was not well in the Isle of Sod. Due to the British Government's poor transport funding, the Obese controller eventually lost the rights to his locomotives company, which went into liquidation. Thomas was sold off for scrap and his carcass has been spotted in Bangladesh, where he currently serves as a housing estate. Annie's current whereabouts are unknown, but rumours of her engagement to Stevie Wonder are not unfounded. Clarabel went on the run after her long career of prostitution was discovered by the local police.
Ever since, British tabloid papers such as The Sun have seized the opportunity to make tasteless headlines such as 'Runaway Train!' and 'FORMER CARRIAGE IN SEX SCANDAL HORROR - WE BLAME PRINCE HARRY'.
The Other Thomas
Contrary to popular belief, Thomas the Tank Engine did not orginate as a children's T.V. show thought up by some British blokes, though the lying bastards may tell you that. Thomas the Tank Engine actually refers to a famous Korean sumo wrestler in the 1970s, known as 'Thomas the Tank Engine'. His Korean name is gibberish, so forget it. He was known for his massive size, and for the epic championship round for the 'bacon belt' against Fat Bastard. He was the winner of the round, and became the national hero of Korea for like, two weeks. Fat Bastard was a bitter son of a bitch and convinced Thomas to try baby, the other, other white meat. Thomas tried to eat it, but had a heart attack and died
Thomas's Drug Abuse And Departure
In 1998, copies of the Rev. W. Awdry's scripts were found in his grave, when some people dug it up for a joke. They involved Thomas's drug abuse (mainly heroine and cocaine) causing a row with James the Red Engine. The scenes closed with Thomas choking on his own fumes, when he wired his funnel to his burner to try and heighten masturbation pleasure. Thomas was to leave the show after overdosing on marker pens, whilst face-fucking Annie and Clarabel (his faithful sex coaches). A re-write was in order, and the good ol' Rev had one ready. The character of Thomas was to be replaced with Bernard Manning, to give the show a more biting edge. The script entitled 'Bernard the Fat Engine and Useless Jerks', involved Bernard himself shouting racist remarks including 'Fuzz Wodger' and 'Candy round bastard' at Toby, the newly renamed 'Brown Engine'. Unfortunately for Bernard, the scripts were taken to the grave with Reverand Orgy, and he was never given a part. Thomas lives on today ferrying cartons of farts from Willington in Derbyshire, to Grimsby, where they are stored and analysed in an attempt to crack the Enigma Code. Thomas also enjoys his hobbies of quilt-dressing and parrot-hounding.
Edward (The Blue Engine) And His Relationship With Richard Gere
Mistaken for the role in the X-Files as the bloke agent (not the one that looks like a man the real one), Richard Gere's career soared, and eventually met Edward at a Shaft convention in 1922. Gere (born 1643) wooed Edward with a Ferrari which Edward gave to Thomas who wrote it off during a 14 hour police chase. Edward and Richard had 5 children (3 of which were black and one of which was green (see Gere-Percy Scandal) and one of which fell out of a tree and broke its funnel, leaving it to suffocate). The divorce which followed in 1994 led Edward to drink and 'Misadventurous Spaz Running' which left Edward's boiler severely under-bitched. He left the show when Gere sued him for 'sass-riding' outside his home in Gollopsteriptonville, Iowa. Edward died in 1996 after a severe dismantling, his body sits next to Lenin's in the Kremlin.
Gordon's Solo Career
In 1861, Gordon launched his solo career by founding a Gin brewery in Tunbridge Wells. After having no less than 12 hit singles during the 80's, he was publicly humiliated when news of his alleged affair with America's First Lady circulated among the media. Unfortunately, 20 years after his shameful exit from show business, Gordon committed suicide on 10th October, 1492. His son Ogadei went on to establish the Khanate of the Golden Horde, but this was short lived due to complaints from others in the neighbourhood.
Where are They Now?
Many believe that the coal featured in the final episode of the Season is what led to the untimely scrapping of the star. Anyway, all the episodes written in this colour were heavily edited after the finale and reaired as a new show. All the other episodes were stored away to be eventually redubbed as a documentary on Chinese labour.
On the Isle of Sod(or) today, the new and brightly coloured engines run the line to attract children and consumers. The original actors are scattered in places including Scrapyards, Aisan Factories, Rehab Centres, Garbage Plants and the Obese Controller's stomach. Speaking of which, the Railway Chairman went down with James as he fell from a broken bridge. His last meal was a week long.
Did You Know?
- The Obese Controller did not appear in the last 10 episodes of Season 2 as he was found to be conducting 'lewd' sexual acts on Thomas and his friends.
- People believe Shakespeare was inspired to write many of his great works after he has watched Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 80 000 children around Britain experienced epileptic fits after watching an episode where the constant flashing of the fire in Thomas'fire box was shown
- When questioned about the reason he ceased sexual abusing the engines, the Fat Controller replied that they simply did not have reproductive organs. The Controller had instead been using Thomas's gears and various knobs to suffice.
- After their break up Lady Controller went off with another railway owner, Sir Topham Hatt. Their location is currently unknown but is said to be in Nashville, Tenesee.
- HiT Entertainment currently owns Thomas.Thomas and his Friends/Enimies Vowed revenge against HiT ever since...
George Carlin's narration has been detested by PBS for his overuse of swearing. The flipping episode was censored to nothing but beeping and clucking sounds, but was kept for the good of Uncyclopedia - to teach kids what REALLY happened. A rare but censored version of the episode can be seen here:
(All from the two-part episode "THE OBESE CONTROLLER DECIDES TO MOLEST EVERYBODY" & "THE ENGINES THROW A BIG SEX/DRUG PARTY")
- THE OBESE CONTROLLER: Thomas, I want to make love to you.
- THOMAS: (Looks down at his underside) But I don't have a rod.
- THE OBESE CONTROLLER: Aw, damn!
- JAMES: Hey, homo!
- STEPNEY: I'm no homo! Stop callin me homo!
(Scene changes later that night, where Stepney is having sex with a man AND a woman)
- STEPNEY: (To James): See, I'm not a homo, I'm a bisexual! See! BIG Difference!
- Oliver:(To Black Bus):"STOP LOOKING AT ME, YOU BLACK B****** BUS!I DON'T GIVE A **** IF YOU WERE MADE IN AFRICA!!"
- THOMAS: Hey kids, its that time again! It's time to smoke some pot and screw with our hos!
- Michael Jackson: Hey, Thomas!
- THOMAS: Michael Jackson? What the fuck are you doing here?
- Michael Jackson: I'm havin' fun!
- THOMAS: Ohhhhh. Hey, take the kids into the "the" room for some *fun* party games.
- KIDS: Oh boy! Yayy!
(From "Off the Sheds")
- Oliver: Ernest, where's fatty?
- Ernest: Hmmm...Did you check Burger Shot?
- Oliver: Yes. He's not there.
- Ernest: Mc Sticks? Cluckin' Bell? The Truck Stop?
- Oliver: Not there,there,or there.
- Ernest: Oh dear. We must find him!
- (the obesse controller falls through shed)
- Ernest: I'll check the sheds! (Backs up, runs over fatty.)
Thomas & Friends Hards-to-Find VHS
- Edward Goes Emo & Other Stories
- Rescues, Runaways, and Racists and other stories
- Remembering Christopher Awdry and other Christopher Awdry Memories
- Remembering Rev W. Awdry and other Rev W. Awdry Memories
- Stevies Condom Crash and other Stories
- Ernest and the magic branchline
- Sod Bay sinks and meets a mermaid,but soon floats up,gets pissed,causes a riot,and other stories
- Edward Helps Out: its a long day. edward has to do everyones work while the engines skip work to go to the disco.
- Thomas's Train:Thomas takes a train.
- Stevie's Predicament: Stevie promises to take Ernest's kids back home while nazi pirates were trying to derail him and kill everyone!!!
- Peter Sam Goes to Svalbard: Peter Sam takes a vacation.
- Off the Sheds: The obesse controller is sad, somebody stole his candy and he commits suicide by jumping off the sheds!
- The Shed Massacre: the railway inspector is not pleased with the engines, and tries to kill them!!!
- Jomes James: everybody finds out james is gay and everyone calls him jomes.
- Bertie's Chase: Bertie got a new machine gun mounted on his roof,and he wants to show Ernest...
- Saved from Scrap: Ernest saves a truck from scrap.
- Thomas's Blingin' New Trucks!: Thomas gets new trucks.
- Thomas and the Conductor: Thomas leaves his Conductor behind because somebody left crack at the next station.
- The Flying Kipper: Henry crashes a fish train.
- Toad Cuts the Cheese: Toad the brakevan farts, causing confusion, and delay!!!
- The Trial: a lawsuit.
- Oliver and the Repair Yard: Oliver is sick,so he goes to a repair yard.Little does he know it's a scrapyard...But he's Saved!!!
- Mikey the Swearing Engine: A new engine named Mikey comes to the island, and he swears!!!
- Ernest's Noseless Day: Ernest has No Nose!!!
- Oliver Comes to Tea: Oliver wrecks into the Obese Controller's Reich house at teatime!!!
- Rheneas Knows Good: Rheneas does good things.
- Scarface the Made Engine: An engine comes to the Isle of Sod, but leaves.
- Oliver's Racist Snowman: A nazi snowman follows oliver around.little deos oliver know that the snowman is a baloon tred around his buffers!
- Diesel's Guide to Dating: Obvious.
- The Railway Inspector: The railway inspector comes.
- James and the Young Ones: James hangs at Never Never Land
- Stepney Comes Out of the Closet: Obvious.
- Thomas and the Pub: Thomas goes to a bar.
- Stepney Goes Back Inside the Closet: Obvious
- The Way Thomas Was Blue...: How thomas got Blue
- Rhebneas Falls Off a Bridge and Dies: Obvious.
- Just kidding, RheneAs is OK.: Rheneas goes to the Hospital.
- If Whishes Were Trees: Somthing bad Happens.
- Crying over spilled milk: Oliver cries over spilled Milk
- Diasy the Stereotypical Diesel: Daisy is Stereotypical
- Rusty and the Bomber: Rusty comes across a terrorist
- Why Thomas Laughs At Your Mistakes: Why God,Why does he Laugh?
- Despite for the Diesels: The engines despite the diesels from the Other Railway.
- A Visit From Hitler: The engines find out the Obesse controller is Hitler's Cousin.
- Thomas Runs Over the Obese Controller (2-part Season finale): He tries to, But he never Dies !!!
- Diasy and the Blue Chicken: Daisy finds a Zombie Chicken that can turn its head 360 degrees!!! Oh Noes!!!
- Oliver gets the Bird: Oliver's Fireman mistakes Oliver's Whistle for a bird call. Then, the birds come...
- Thomas the Youtube Engine: nothing but pure funny.
- Edward the Great: Obvious
- Stevie takes Plunge: Stevie falls into the Sea!!!
- Chickens to School: Thomas gets a mix-up.
- AAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA!: translation - Thomas joins Uncyclopedia
- Tuneful Toots: Rusty eats beans
- The Haunted Scrapyard:Stevie warns Ernest about a scrapyard.Ernest doesn't listen. What will happen!?
- The Obesse Controller's Big Secret: Fatty has a big secret.
- Thomas and the TV Producer: OH NOES!!!
- Henry Hides the Lard: Henry protects the lard farm from the Obese Controller.
- Peter Sam and Rusty: Luckily, Rusty's gender change kept PBS from deleting this episode...
- Thomas Meets Freddie Bob: Obvious.
- Freddie Bob Finds True Love: Also obvious.
- Duncan and the Propaganda: Duncan attempts to stop the Diesels from running his line.
- Hell and Back: Mikey the Swearing Engine takes a Special train to Hell and Back
- Busy going Backwards: Toad the Brakevan Sees some amazing things going backwards...
- Oliver's Find: Oliver finds a Very Special Place.
- Supply and Demand: The Obesse Controller Demands Food, and the engines supply it.A great way to show how an industry Works!
- Fattys Search: The Obesse Controller Searches for who ate the last Sausage, so he can Kill Him!
- World War 3: The Obesse Controller's Death Squads Search the engine's sheds for food to give to fatty.
- Army Recuit: The gang needs more money, So they Join the Army, and Take down the Obesse Man.
- Railway Inspector - THE RECKONING!!!: While fatty got Shot in the last episode so far, he's at the hospital and the Railway Inspector Runs the Railway. Double Oh Noes!!
- Ernest and the Magic Branchline(2 part Season finale): Ernest and The Gang find A magic, Secret Branchline.
- Thomas and Tony Blair: Tony Blair decides to retire to the Isle as the newest engine! YAY!
- The Green Controller: Green engine Percy takes over the railway...
- Sir Handel and The Burger King: Sir Handel is appointed by the king.
- James the Red Engine: We discover why James is Red.
- Woodstick: Woodstick is Comming to Trevor's Orchird, and the engines must get the Hippies!!!
- Henry's 'Other' Sneeze: Satan Throws Fireballs at Henry, But Henry Sneezes his Hippie Smoke out, Killing Satan!!
- Respect for Gordon: Nobody cares about Gordon's love-life.
- Buffer Bother: The Obese Controller puts weapons of mass destruction on the buffers in the quarry. But Bill and Ben don't know...
- What's the Matter with Henry?: The engines ponder over what made Henry so drugged-out today...
- The Exorcism of Rheneas: Skarloey hires an exorcist to cure his brother.
- Edward Goes Emo: Obvious...
- Calling All Engines! (2-part Season finale): The Obese Controller summons his engines to build an airport. That way, his very important cargo can be transported by air. But everything goes WRONG!
- Thomas to the Rescue: Thomas rescues the captives of Michael Brandon.
- Diesel and the Racists: The diesel minority rebel against the Isle's racists.
- Harvey and the Ikea Route: Harvey buys an oddly named piece of furniture.
- Salty's Lighthouse: Salty does things to the tugboats. TRIPLE OH NOES!!!!!
- Boo Boo Choo Choo: Thomas, James (AKA Jomes) and Percy take a train across the haunted branch line.
- Civil War: Skarloey convinces the little engines to separate from the Obese Controller's line.
- The Narrow Gauge Railway: All does not go well in the new government formed by Rusty, Peter Sam, Rheneas and the others...
- The Runaway Elephant: Duncan unleashes an elephant on the Obese Controller's section of the Isle.
- Gordon Goes Foreign: The Prime Minister goes to the Narrow Gauge Line to meet with Skarloey's board.
- The Thin Controller: The little engines clone the Obese Controller and slim him into the Emaciated Controller.
- Mighty Mac: The Emaciated Controller buys Mighty Mac, a pair of Siamese twins!!
- Thomas's Day Off: Thomas heads to a "special place" on his day off, but is delayed by Dennis the lethargic engine.
- The Concert: Emily becomes a Black Eyed Peas fan.
- Blue Moon: The Emaciated controller finds a Mc Donalds,And goes back to the Obese Controller
- Too Hot for Thomas: Fatty makes a Global Warming machine...
- You Can Do It Toby: Toby found a girlfriend, and needs help.
- James Goes Too Far: James finds a new part of the line, and goes too far...
- Peace & Quiet: Stepney hunts for a good place to be 'alone'...
- Fish: Rick and Marty take a fish train up a hill...
- Thomas & The Circus: Evil Clowns escape from the Circus
- Thomas Gets it Right: FINALLY!!!
- Don't Tell Thomas: Emily finds a new boyfriend,but What will Thomas Say!?
- Duncan's Bluff: Duncan lies to Thomas that he is now dating Emily.
- 100th Episode: YAY!!! The engines throw a beer party
- Thomas and the Tube: Thomas sues Youtube for illegally uploading episodes from Seasons 1-7.
- Three Cheers for Thomas: The case was won!
- Thomas and the Rainbow: Don't ask!!
- Pwn3d!: Thomas gets pwn3d.
- Toby Feels Left Out: It's love season and Toby's girlfriend just dumped him.
- Fatty's New Grue: The Obese Controller buys a pet Grue!
- Thomas and the Toy Shop: thomas and Jacko set up a trap for the children.
- Rheneas and the Dinosaur: The fued continues when Rheneas reanimates a dinosaur to attack Thomas' line..
- A Smooth Ride: Rusty is caught with Sir Handel - cheating on Peter Sam!!!
- Special Funnel: Peter Sam brags about his funnel being the biggest.
- Emily Knows Best: Emily decides to go back to Thomas, proving she doesn't know best.
- New Employee: The Obesse Controller Hires Fidel To be the Vice Racist.
- Bumper Sticker: The engines get Bumper Stickers.
- Atlantis: Mikey the Swearing Engine Sinks, finding atlantis, but soon floats up.
- Scarface-the world is His: Scarface the Made Engine is Back!!!
- A Very Merry Christmas: Stevie is Jewish, and Doesn't know about Santa,so When Santa's on the Roof,he gets a gun...
- A Very Unmerry Christmas: Stevie Thinks he Killed Santa, but he didn't.
- Thomas and the Jet Plane: Thomas meets a Jet plane Named Harrier Jet.
- Percy and the Carnival: Percy sets up a trap for the children.
- The Case of the Singing Bushes: Singing Bushes take over the Isle.
- Mighty Mac and the Ninjas: The Siamese twins must stop the ninjas.
- Which Gender Now?: Rusty is caught in a decision.
- Thomas and the Shooting Star: Britney Spears tries shooting the engines!
- Neville the Black Engine: Thomas spreads a rumour that Neville is Black.
- Thomas' Frosty Friend: Thomas leaves Percy in the snow and he gets frostbite.
- Edward Strikes Out: Edward takes up baseball, but stinks.
- Thomas and the Birthday Mail: Thomas has a special gift for a young child...
- Thomas and Skarloey's Big Day Out: Obvious.
- McDonald's: Ronald McDonald attempts to take control of the line, so the Obese Controller challenges him to an eating contest. Guess who wins.
- Songs: Thomas and Emily are trying to get into It Takes Two, by singing "Country Roads"...
- Toby, James and the Ideas: Toby thinks James is a Racist by saying He Hates trucks,but Stevie thought he said he Hated Black People.
- Search Engine: Thomas Overhears Buisness People, and He Starts a new Search Engine "Engine-Google".
- Gun Gallore: Gordon Starts collecting guns.
- Henry goes to Rehab: No Wonder he's always sick-Meth!!!
- A Close Shave: Duck has to think of an excuse for his razor cut.
- Pimp My Engine: Thomas, James and Percy go for a repaint.
- Duncan's Evil Plot: Sir Handel teams up with Duncan, who plans to separate Mighty and Mac.
- Diesel Does It Again: Obvious.
- Pirate's Life For Salty: Salty unfortunately stayed too late at the nearby pub.
- Refreshing Steam: Thomas secretly had his water tank filled with beer the night before.
- Refreshing Steam Part 2: The engines steal Thomas' idea, and the Island starts falling apart!
- The Thomas Crown Affair: The first episode with Pierce Brosnan as narrator.
- Toad Stands By: Toad Stands By When Oliver is thrown into Iraq.
- Escape: Oliver and Toad Escape from fattys scrapyard because fatty wanted to turn them into a nice Grill.
- Sodor War 1: The narrow gauge engines start a war with the Obesse Controller.
- Thomas and Gordon: Thomas gives somthing to Gordon...
- Come Out Henry!!!: Henry won't come out of the tunnel because Sir Adolf Hitler will Eat Him.
- Oliver Owns up: Oliver gets pushed into the Turntable because he didn't pay off his loan.
NOTE: Episode titles written in red are the ones that were left on TV. The ones in blue (the working hyperlinks) were banned later on. All others were banned immediately. Ones that are partially blue were also banned on site.