Hypocrites (pronounced hip-ok-row-teez; in Greek: Δεν μιλώ τα ελληνικά) was a Greek musician born in 460 BC on the island of O'ahu, Hawai'i. He became known as the first composer of absolutely nothing of interest, and was regarded as the greatest musician of his time. Hypocrites was a physician in his early days, but he turned to music because his hated rival, Hippocrates, was much more popular in medical school.
He founded the Hypocritical school of thought, which is still practiced by people all over the world. People who belong to this school are always right.
Hypocrites held the belief that illnesses had a physical and a rational explanation; specifically, bad tuning. He rejected the views of Hippocrates, who considered illness to be caused by the filthy Ancient Greek practice of eating feta cheese without washing one's hands. Hypocrites considered all of Hippocrates's ideas erroneous because he disliked anything that wasn't exactly in line with his own ideas. There's a word for that kind of person...
Hypocrites noted that people tended to be happier when an instrument was tuned properly, so he reasoned that having well-tuned body parts would make them even happier. He theorized that the body must be treated by tuning the connective tissues so they would produce a more harmonious sound when plucked. Since the patients tended to make loud indications of pain whenever he tried to test this theory, Hypocrites often had to anesthetize the patients while examining them, using the crude techniques available at the time. Whenever somebody (usually the patient) tried to point out that this method was not working, he would clear his throat in an irritated manner and wave his instrument (usually a guitar, but sometimes a lyre) at whomever disagreed with him, reminding them of his extensive musical knowledge.
“Look, I'm the best musician in Greece, dammit. If anyone knows about the healing powers of music, it's me.”
At least one person treated by Hypocrites's musical methods did not die, at least not for a few days, which is why he was so popular back in those days.
Hypocrites toured throughout Greece practicing his bizzare form of "medicine". He founded a band at one point, known as Κακή μουσική, or Platonic Noise. Why this rather obscure-sounding name was chosen is unknown. The band helped bring Hypocrites's ideas to the masses, where they were ignored with a passion. That didn't stop Hypocrites, however, and he soon developed the famous Oath of Hypocrites for people to follow. This Oath is taken by people today who have nothing better to do. Today Hypocrites is known as "The Father of Ignorance, Not To Mention Several Bastard Children."
The Hypocritical Oath
Considered one of the most advanced moral philosophies of all time, right after If it is on the Internet it must be true, the Hypocritical oath has propelled many people to the hieghts of fame and power. Those who take this oath sometimes do not even realize they have taken it, but nevertheless they are characterized by their single-minded determination, single-minded attitude, and general single-mindedness. The Oath is as follows:
- I swear by Me, Myself, and I, and I take to witness myself since that ought to be good enough for anybody, to acknowledge my ability and my judgement, and my rightness in all things.
- To consider my own ideas as most important; to scoff at those of others, unless they are flattering to my ego; to look upon children as potential worshippers of Me, to teach them the ways of Hypocrites.
- I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.
- To please no one shall I change my mind, even if it results in someone's death, because the jerk probably deserved it anyway.
- Nor will I suffer anyone to have an abortion, regardless of my personal experience with childbirth.
- I will preserve the purity of my life and the lives of others by ensuring no one disagrees with me.
- I will profess to be an expert in all things, regardless of my prior experience. I will not cite sources, for I am the source of all knowledge.
- In every house where I come I will be a complete pain in the ass, doing and saying whatever I please. If there is an attractive person in the house, I will assert my right to flirt with whomever I please, also. Everyone else must remain monogamous.
- The general public will be informed of my universal correctness, and has no right to dispute me.
- I reserve the right to contradict myself, as well as denying any fault for anything bad that happens.