User:CartoonDiablo/Microsoft Surface

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Microsoft Surface

Shit you can touch.

A typical Microsoft Surface, experienced by a user.
Maintainer: Microsoft
Stable release: Never
Preview release: May 30, 2007
Percentage Of Users: 000.327
OS: Windows Vista
License: {{{license}}}

The only possible use for the Microsoft Surface. Period.
This is where most Microsoft Surfaces end up 2-3 days after their bought.

Microsoft Surface is a newly created Windows computer that's shaped like a coffee table and is designed for causing extreme exhaustion for one or multiple amount of people[1]. Surface is staged to look like a brilliant new invention using features such as touch pad interactivity with photos and videos when in reality it's completely useless and brings absolutely no new, actual, computing features.[2]


The Microsoft Surface in action using it's unique multi-touch software.

Bill Gates creating his Microsoft products to infuriate the user and noticed that while the users were constantly infuriated with the shit quality and constant crashes of their computer they never seemed physically exhausted.[3] So to fix the problem Bill spent years developing the ultimate muscle straining devices that requires people to use their entire bodies to access information slowly instead of the mouse and keyboard which is much faster.


The Surface basically acts as an over expensive light bright with a cellphone, GPS, and camera duck-taped to it. It allows wirless wifi sharing with the Microsoft Zune rendering it completely useless as a music sharing device seeing as how the record for most bought Zunes in a country was 8 in Somalia. It also implementsthe use of games and other interactive activities such as creating shit drawlings. Ironicly it doesn't have any compatibility with Microsoft Word [4]


Fans of this product consist of Sadists who painfully torture themselves while havening sex on the machine. Other fans are rich and spoiled 13 and/or very old virgin adults (see: The 40 Year Old Virgin for examples of these desperate losers.) year olds with 10,000 dollars to spare who have absolutely nothing better to do then masturbate. Others may include porn stars who want to take their sexual experiences farther. The Other fans are complete retards who were not aware that most phones and cheap computers do exactly what surface does only better.


  1. Why Microsoft sucks., page 55. Press, 2005.
  2. The Dailey Apple., page 85. , 2005.
  3. Health Today: "The Microsoft Scam", page 32. 2005.
  4. Mac World., Press, 2006.