The bear (often misspelled "Beer" by people who have drunk too much of the stuff, and pronounced bur or van buren without the van and the -en, and a short "u" instead of a long one), is the common name for the mammal family Ursidae, the fancy Latin way of saying "bloated snuffling stinky wolf-thing." The bear is many things to many people: to those being mauled by one, it is a painful and deadly nuisance, and to those gawking at them safely behind a zoo enclosure, they are cute and slightly boring. To everyone, however, they are Godless killing machines.
Bears have been accused of being highly adaptable and not at all content to be a single, easily identifiable species. As such, bears of various shapes and sizes may be found on every continent except for Iceland, though if one is unlucky, Bjork can be found there at certain times. Recently, television journalist Stephen Colbert has been a vocal activist condemning bears for their questionable behavior towards humans. As of now, no bear(s) has denied the accusation of malevolence.
Bears live to forage, and forage to live, hence their motto:
"Get the hell out of my way, I'm foraging."
Experts agree it is highly advisable, whenever possible, to get the hell out of their way. Also, these same experts advise you to steer clear of Bjork, for though she does not forage, she is prone to acts of violence. While some experts disagree as to the extent of their intelligence, it is widely accepted that bears have no sense of justice, and no sense of mercy.
Types of Bears
To the dismay of ursinologists (those who study bears and bear markets), there are many species of bears. The resulting extra paperwork makes their already unbearable jobs all the more difficult, and many ursinologists crack under the considerable stress of monitoring, cataloguing and documenting what they irritably describe as "all the fucking bears."
Types of bear include, but are not limited to: black bears, brown bears, spectacled bears, contact-lens bears, gay bears av-er-age bears, root bears, red bears, pooh bears, catholic bears, grizzly bears, koala bears (which aren’t really bears but frankly, not even ursinologists care), unicycle-riding bears, Yogi bears (see below), polar bears, cucum bears, American Black Bears, care bears, Gummy Bears, drop bears, paddington bears, KOSA Bears, equatorial bears, panda bears (which aren't really bears either, but ditto), marmots, and teddy bears, as well as the occasional Theodore Roosevelt. While some of these types are not "real" in the sense of being children’s toys or animated cartoons, ursinologists admit that they’ve probably chosen the wrong field of study, and why don’t you just lay off about the goddamn specifics for a fucking moment.
Another type of bear is the Chicago Bear. This species is known for building up hopes for one season, then screwing themselves over the next season. It is commonly agreed that the main prey of the Chicago Bear is the Detriot Lion, a rare but suckish creature. However, the number of Chicago Bears are dwindling thanks to the help of Meat Packers from Green Bay, Colts from Indianapolis, Stephen Colbert, and changes in managment.
Yogi Bear was a famous inhabitant of Jellystone Park, where he was a constant thorn in the sides of the dedicated park rangers because of his habit of stealing tourist's picnics. Unusually for a bear, he always wore a hat, collar and tie, possibly in an attempt to disguise himself as an office worker - after all, you'd never suspect an office worker hiding in the forest of trying to steal your picnic, would you? Unfortunately, the disguise didn't work too well because Yogi never wore either a shirt or trousers to complete the costume - were you to see an office worker hiding in the forest without a shirt and trousers, you'd suspect him of being about to carry out a far worse crime than picnic theft and would call the police. Especially if he had a juvenile companion named Booboo. Tragically, Yogi had to be tracked down and shot by park rangers in 1978 after he lost his taste for picnics and bit the faces off a family of five from Florida and then ate them.
It has recently been discovered that Yogi the bear was actually NOT smarter than the average bear but in fact a fucking-deuschebag-liar.
Another very unique and special type of bear is called Garius Berylliumus, or Gare Bear for short. First discovered in Jerusalem in 0 AD, Gare Bear was one of the very few to witness the birth of Jesus. However legend has it that Gare Bear was the only animal that was not in a pair on Noah's ark. As the secret 13th apostle of Christ, naturally Gare Bear would not renounce his determination in the christian faith during the chirstian persercution. Due to a dispute between Gare Bear and Judius, Judius betrayed Gare Bear and sold him to the Romans where they shaved him with a swiss army knife. Then they fed him to the lions. However, due to Gare Bear's special ability to spontaneosly undergo mitosis, he was able to piece himself back together and rise from the dead. He destroyed the Roman empire, well at least the western part, and broke off some of the peninsula to form a distant underwater island where he would be secluded from humans forever...
...but something happened. In the half burned, barbarian raided coliseum laid some of the remains of the great bear. Due to a combination of radioactive toxic spillage,ultraviolet solar energy and bird droppings, the remains began to gain the essence of life. In a matter of minutes, an army of bears were formed. They began to pillage Europe and plague the humans for their cruel injustice. Over one third of the population in Europe was eliminated during the Black Death. Afterwards, they each went their own paths. Although most of them became normal forest living bears, some of them became big time Hollywood stars, such as The Beinstein Bears, Yogi bear, Brother bears and BooBoo. Fuzzy Wuzzy went emo and cut himself. It is prophecized that one day, Gare Bear will rise again from the bottom of the sea and seek revenge on the Italians. o
The Prime Directives of the bear are to: A) Gorge Itself On Everything In Sight, and B) Make More Bears. To this latter end, bears can frequently be observed with their front paws to the sky, praying to the bear fertility goddess Ar--- ...Oh, the hell with this family-friendly charade. They just go off deeper into the woods and fuck.
Bears are noted loners, and often amass unnecessary stockpiles of firearms for the day of reckoning. When not stockpiling firearms, bears devote a great deal of time to foraging for food, foraging for toilet paper, and foraging just for the sake of foraging.
Famous ursinologist Terry "Tom" I Can't Think of a Surname Possibly Thompson Would Be Satisfactory, in his out-of-print 1987 masterwork Bears: More Interested in Foraging Than You Might Think, says "[Bears] live to forage. And, they live by foraging. Without foraging, bears would not be able to stay alive, and therefore not be able to forage. Bears forage, so they can find things to eat, so they can continue to forage. It’s a vicious cycle, really, but it’s safe to say they enjoy the foraging. A lot."
Trouble tends to occur when bears are interrupted in their foraging by humans. Though much is made of the axiom "never come across a bear and her cubs", this is merely a misinterpretation of the bear’s fury of having its foraging interrupted. Bears, like most other animals, couldn't give a shit in the woods if their offspring are harassed by humans.
They do care deeply about being deprived of one second of rooting their muzzle across the ground for some bit of edible crap, so whatever you do, don’t interrupt a foraging bear. The following is an excerpt from The Bear Facts, a survival guide for encountering bears in the wild:
- I’ve interrupted a foraging bear! What do I do?
- Whatever you do, don’t interrupt the bear's foraging.
- It’s too late! I've already interrupted him!
- Oh, really? Wow. I mean, damn. You’re fucked.
- Can I play dead? Will that help?
- Dude, sure, go ahead, but thats pretty stupid. Its a fucking bear geniusface. You’ll be lucky to just be horribly mauled.
- Ahhhh! Aggggh! AAAAAAAAA!
- Sorry, dude. I hope you prepared your will.
Bears are masters of cryogenics, and place themselves in suspended animation in specially-designed bear storage chambers once every year when they get burned out on foraging. But the respite is really only a physical reality: the brainwaves of cryogenically hibernating bears reveal they are in fact dreaming about foraging as they sleep. Oddly, if not for the self-imposed hibernation, bears would never sleep.
Thus the question "what goes bump in the night?" can easily be answered with "a foraging bear."
Once they come out of hibernation, foraging begins anew. There is conjecture that the only thing worse than coming between a foraging bear and its foraging is coming between a bear leaving cryogenic stasis ready for nine months of non-stop foraging and its foraging. It is not uncommon for a post-hibernative bear to not simply maul the disturber of its foraging, but take the disturber to an undisclosed location in Eastern Europe and torture the hell out of them. Bears enjoy torture, and they are not bound by the Geneva Convention.
Bears are omnivores, and therefore will eat anything. Bears do show strong preferences for certain foodstuffs, especially Moon Pies. Bears do not often find Moon Pies whilst foraging, and so must make due with grubs, berries, discarded McDonald's, Styrofoam, used bandages, sticks, leaves, beetles, bird carcasses, Goldilocks, mayonnaise, dirt, stock-market bulls, pic-a-nic baskets, and people.
Not always content with foraged leavings, bears are also accomplished hunters, occasionally bringing down big game with their firearms. It is for this reason that bears remain popular and alluring targets for human hunters in search of a thrill: most deer, for example, are not armed, and quarry that returns fire adds a rush to a typical hunt. Bears prefer machete powered desert eagles, choosing to bring down large game in a hail of large knives and then finish the job up close and "execution" style.
A widely-circulated clip of a grizzly bear killing an elk caused an internet sensation in late 2003. Though the camera work is shaky, the chilling display of the bears’ ruthlessness before finishing off the elk is a testament to the foul nature of the bear:
ELK - (prostrate, struggling to breathe) F– fuck you, bear!
BEAR – (cocks AR-15 rifle, looks back at camera and smiles) What do you think, Jerry?
JERRY – (off camera) Pop him, dude.
ELK – Goddamn you both!
BEAR – Do you believe in God, Bambi?
ELK – (wheezing, coughing up blood) Do it!
BEAR – (pokes elk with rifle) Do ya, Bambi? Huh?
ELK - Get it over with! Damn you!
JERRY - (off camera) Pop him, dude!
The above clip is contained in When Bears Attack and can be purchased for only $19.99 USD on either one DVD or two VHS tapes at your local on-line e-tailer. They make great gifts for any holiday season, especially Valentine's Day!
Mating and Rearing Young, Hopefully Not at the Same Time
Bears mate infrequently, as it gets in the way of foraging. Some enterprising bears actually mate and forage at the same time, though this is frowned upon by the Church as combining work and pleasure in ways they were never meant to be combined.
Bears gestate anywhere from eight days to two years, depending on what type of bear you’re talking about. What bear gestates for eight days, you ask? How about a magical bear I just made up, genius? Yep, a magical eight-days-gestating bear. Jesus, you're gullible.
Bears give birth to from none to three offspring, but since most bears only have six teats, the third cub is ritually sacrificed to the bear God, Ursus Maximus. However, bears are squeamish about sacrifice, and often give third cubs to wolves, who are renowned for their ability to raise the offspring of largely incompatible species, such as humans. But, since bears are essentially bloated wolves, wolves have a tough time of raising bear cubs. Bears raised to adulthood by wolves are especially embittered and work long and hard on their diaries and collections of poetry.
Cubs that are raised by actual bears must keep up with their mother. They must attempt to suckle as she forages, which is difficult and extremely funny to watch.
Young bears stay with their mothers for approximately 723 days, no more, no less, learning how to forage, the secrets of cryogenic sleep, and how to forage. On the 723rd day, they receive an honorary Bear Associate (B.A.) degree and a complimentary Moon Pie and are booted out the door.
The Baffling Paradox of Fuzzy Wuzzy
Mongolian legends do tell of a bear no ursinologist dare speak of, except those that choose to do so. These ursinologists - all named Ted - have been shunned by the rest of their bear-studying peers for their views of the bear in those Mongolian legends I mentioned previously. As the first sentence in this paragraph said (and I then referenced), no ursinologist dare speak of them, but we at Uncyclopedia are no ursinologists. Except maybe this guy, but then again...
Various Teds have noted that to date, no actual Fuzzy Wuzzy has been found, but their search for a hairless, indifferent bear will not be halted by their well-to-do, "educated" peers. Those poor Teds, especially Ted Kilcommons. He thought he could find God by hibernating with some bears, forgetting perhaps humans cannot hibernate, or that God totally avoids bears except in extreme circumstances. Poor Ted.
Bears and movies
According to a well known Brazilian film critic, bears play a fundamental part on movies. A formula for a good movie comprises of at least one bear, two (possibly homosexual) farmers, and Jennifer Lopez (pronounced Yen-Efur Low-pez)
- When Bears Attack, a BBC documentary
Bears and the law
Historically, the Anglo-American common law has recognized two broad categories of easement (i.e., an interest in real property, divorced from fee ownership and consisting in a right to use the property for specified purposes). These are the easement appurtenant and the easement in gross.
With bears' growing demands for civil rights and increasing participation in human society, some jurisdictions have of late begun to recognize a third category: the easement in urs. This interest consists in a right to use the underlying property for any ursine purpose that would be suitable in the view of the "average bear" (a hypothetical legal construct), and, by operation of law, is created the instant the bear is. Purposes commonly held protected under an easement in urs include, but are not limited to: foraging, denning, interior decorating, putting the lotion on its skin, and violating the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Should a conflict arise with the holder of the underlying fee title, the holder of an easement in urs may enforce his interest by procuring a writ of vore caput tuum.
The use of the colloquial term "property" to refer to items of personalty arose from customs associated with the ancient ursine tradition of pwning things. Bears pwned (and still pwn) items by placing paw prints upon them (leaving trace amounts of ursium, an element which becomes violently radioactive only upon contact with non-bears). Over time, human observers began to note that these items were "pawprinty", and since these observers were Welsh, we are left with the term in its modern form.
Ursine judges sitting in equity (still called "chancery bears" in a small minority of forests) enjoy almost limitless discretion, cabined only by the single equitable maxim "ego ungulae habeo, et tu habeas non" (roughly, "I have claws and you don't").
Penumbral constitutional right to privacy: See Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2003).
“A well-regulated ursine militia being necessary to the security of Soviet Russia, the right of the proletariat to keep and arm bears shall not be infringed.”
Fourth Amendment: "The right of bears to be in ur trashbin searchin and seizin ur discarded Mkdonldz, shall not be infringed."
Liability in tort
Judge: Grrrrwwwwoofrrawr Dontrecius Jones, it is alleged that, on the thirty-second of December, 2008, you did, with the requisite intent, cause in plaintiff Sarah Palin the mental apprehension of an imminent harmful and offensive contact, resulting in compensable physical and psychological damages. How do you ans--
Defendant: All your berry are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction make your time!
Second Judge: Grrrrwwwwoofrrawr Dontrecius Jones, it is alleged that, on the thirty-ninth of December, 2008, one minute ago, you did, with the requisite intent, engage in harmful and abusive conduct toward an elderly, vulnerable Internet meme, resulting in compensable --
Defendant: When will they ever learn?!?!?!? Ego ungulae habeo, et tu habeas non!!!!!!
Second Judge: AAAAAAAAA!
Third Judge: Cruella McYummypants, it is alleged that, on the twenty-seventh of December, 2008, you did, with the degree of intent imputed by the doctrine of voluntary intoxication, grossly misrepresent the speed and efficiency of the American legal system, with a design to convince your Britischer pals on Uncyclopedia that America is Teh Awesome, mein Fueh-- errrrr, mein Dickie old chum; and that the aforesaid Britischer pals did act in reliance upon your misrepresentation, causing them to forgo dental treatment in hopes that they could emigrate and procure said treatment from an American judge obviously bored for lack of work and seeking to diversify into a new profession; and furthermore, that they did suffer compensable damages as a result of their reliance --
Admin: Your Honor, I submit to you that this pleading states a cause in promissory estoppel, which is a quasi-contractual rather than a tort theory. Thus, I hereby move to retroactively merge this pleading into Section 8.3, supra, of the Uncyclopedia article on Bears, and, in so doing, to destroy the entire space-time continuum by wrapping Uncyclopedia's chronology back in on itself. Furthermore, as promissory estoppel is in the nature of a contract implied at law - an equitable theory - I move as well to transfer jurisdiction over this cause to a Chancery Bear; to taunt you endlessly for your n00bage in the fine art of Wiki editing; to taunt you a second time; and to good-naturedly piss myself in open court while giving a dramatic recitation of the lyrics to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" in the declamatory style of Sir John Gielgud.
237 small-caliber handguns: BANG!!!!
Charlton Heston: Guns don't commit suicide - court-watchers commit suicide!
Admin: AHHHHHS THE BEEEEG FREIIIIGHHHHHTAHS GUUUUOOOO, SHEEEEE WAHHHHHS BEEEEEGAAAHHHHR THAAAAAN MUUOOOOST...
The Universe: * asplode *
Cruella McYummypants: BLUUURRRP!!!!!!
Third Judge: Cruella McYummypants, it is alleged that, on the twenty-seventh of December, 2008, you did infringe upon a copyright held by the plaintiff, Barney Gumble, of Springfield, state unknown; and furthermore, that --
Cruella McYummypants: BLUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPP!!!!!!
The Dead Kennedys: TOO DRUNK TO FUCK!!!!!!!!
Twelve yatta-seconds later.......
Bailiff: Your Honor, we have some bears here who wish to be certified as intervenors in Docket 08-1337, Brock Lesnar, by his next friend Optimus Prime, v. Karl Marx and Che Guevara (d/b/a Schenectady Porno Emporium) and Fourteen Disembodied Barbie Heads...
Third Judge: On what basis?
Bailiff: They say they want to climb the plaintiff's legs like the tree trunks they are.
Several bears with rhythm guitars: BAWM ack-oo WAWM ack-oo oo-ack-ack-oo WAWM...