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Christian side hugs are a form of side-sex. It is usually performed by two or more people and the Holy spirit.

It is unlikely bodily fluids will be exchanged during a Christian side hug, so it is consider a form of safe sex and even a form of birth control.



The Christian side hug is thought to have originated with Jesus. Though no record of it in the Bible, it is thought that Jesus Christian side hugged Mary Magdalene nightly.

It is possible that the Old Testament hints at Christian side hugs. Paul of Tarsus wrote in 1 Corinthians that,

Cquote1.png It is good to show thy physical [love], but if they cannot control themselves, they should hug with The Almighty, for it is better to caress than to burn with passion. Cquote2.png

Paul was influenced by a hyper-sensitivity disorder that caused him to get an erection if so much as a moderate gust of wind were to pass him. Due to this and his unfounded conviction that the end of the world was imminent, Paul took it as a corollary that all earthly sensations, especially touch, should hold great interest for Christians. Paul's letters show far greater concern with hugging soft fabrics than the gospel writers attributed to Jesus.

From the beginning of the thirteenth century, the Catholic Church formally recognized Christian side hugs as the purest form to worship The Lord; however it was decided the best way for a young boy to worship would be on his knees and with his mouth open.

During the Protestant Reformation, Martin Luther and John Calvin denied the sacramentality of Christian side hugs claiming that no side hug would ever be wide enough to allow The Lord to squeeze into. It was this allegation that Jesus was fat caused the Catholic church to drop the idea of Christian side hugs for many centuries.

Modern day[edit]


Some critics of Christian side hugging claim it leads to the use of various drugs such as cocaine.

Others fear that Christian side hugging may lead to gaping anus. This is thought to be because the Christian side hug is mis-performed in some fashion and actually becomes a "Satan omelet." Despite the name, this is not a delicious egg-treat from McDonald's. According to several scientific studies, a large percentage of gay babies are conceived during Satan omelets. The current recommendation from the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad in regards to converting your gay baby to a Christian lifestyle is to have it baptized and then sent to Bible camp when it is seven years of age. This will help the child live a straight lifestyle and go to Heaven once it dies of scurvy later on in life.