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Franklin Pierce
No image
Personal info
Nationality American
Date of birth November 23, 1804
Place of birth New Hampshire
Date of death October 8, 1869
Place of death Bed
First Lady Jane Appleton Pierce
Political career
Order 14th President of the United States
Vice President William R. King (for a week); Nobody
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office March 4, 1853March 3, 1857
Preceded by Millard Fillmore
Succeeded by James Buchanan
Political party Yes he did

Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 - October 8, 1869) was the 14th President of the United States of America. His birth understandably ruined Thanksgiving for his family. He kept his streak of ruining everything for the rest of his life.

Early life[edit]

Debilitating birth defect[edit]

Pierce was born without a chin. This made the birth itself quite hard on the doctor who had nothing to grab hold of as he pulled the little Pierce from his mother's womb. Plus, he was born in a log cabin. In Canada New Hampshire. Splinters were everywhere.


Living up in suburban New Hampshire was hard for the young Pierce. He had no friends for his odour was too atrocious.


Early political career[edit]

Family life[edit]

On November 19, 1834, Pierce married Jane Means Appleton (1806–63), the daughter of a former president of Bowdoin College. Jane was extremely shy, often ill, deeply religious, pro-temperance, and a Whig Party member; everything Pierce hated. It is unknown why the two married at all as it is known that they never loved each other. They had three children, all of whom died in childhood. The last born managed to live the longest, but he was killed in a train wreck at the age of 11. None lived to see their father become president.

Jane was never happy with her husband's involvement in the political world. She took no pleasure in knowing that her husband was one of the douches ruining the country and encouraged Pierce to resign his Senate seat and return to New Hampshire. He never did, though.

One thing to note is the mysterious and violent ways all of Pierce's children died.

  • Franklin Pierce, Jr. (February 2, 1836 – February 5, 1836) died three days after birth. It is believed he was smothered in his sleep by his father.
  • Frank Robert Pierce (August 27, 1839 – November 14, 1843) died at the age of four from epidemic typhus. Newly found evidence supports the belief that he and his brother Bennie were purposefully exposed to typhus by their father in order to kill them. Bennie lived, but Frank died.
  • Benjamin "Bennie" Pierce (April 13, 1841 – January 16, 1853) died at the age of 11 in a railway accident in Andover, Massachusetts which his parents witnessed. Some speculate Pierce may have thrown Bennie into the front of the train in a drunken rage as they made their way to Washington shortly before Franklin Pierce was inaugurated President.

Fighting the Mexicans[edit]


As a president, it is said that Pierce continued his ferocious attempt to screw everything in the world up.

1852 Presidential Election[edit]

The Kansas-Nebraska Act[edit]

“Slavery? Don't care.”

~ Franklin Pierce on passing the Kansas-Nebraska Act

He supported slavery. Lulz.

He is the true reason for the South succeeding.

Late life[edit]

After not even being offered the Democrat nomination for the presidency in 1856, Pierce searched for new things to do. Since he had no living sons, becoming the coach of a minor league baseball team was out of the question. After all, everyone would have thought he was a pedophile or something. His only way to escape his ever-increasing boredom was by perpetuating drinking. He stayed in a drunken frenzy for several months at a time.


He died in bed all alone surrounded by empty beer bottles. Following the announcement of Pierce's death, President Ulysses S. Grant, who previously had fought on the battlefields with Pierce during the Mexican-American War, declared a nation day of celebration.

His will[edit]

In his will, last revised by Pierce in the spring of 1868, he left quite an odd assortment of arrangements to several people. Some of the oddest things he left were Nathaniel Hawthorne's children to the Smithsonian Institute. He left a thousand dollars to the local library with the interest used for the purchase of books, but the withdraw date was already set as "the day after the Apocalypse." His nephew Frank Pierce received Pierce's last worn pair of underwear; covered in residue.


Nobody likes him. Lulz.