User:Dexter111344/HowTo:Lie about that black-eye

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Hey there, buddy. What? My black-eye? Um, I got it when I was having rough sex with your mother.

No wait! Come back here! I'm sorry I'm being a douche. It's just kind of embarrassing to talk about...

All right, all right! I'll tell you how I got this

You see...[edit]

I had a fight last night. Yeah, I box. Isn't that coo - Hey! Quit laughing! I can so box! How do you think I got this black eye! What? Got it when I was skull-fucked by Howard Stern? No I didn't! I am NOT gay.

Um... Not that there's anything wrong with being gay... It's just I don't like you flaunting around about how you get anal all the time.

Wait! I didn't mean to imply that you're gay. But, if you are, I wouldn't mind. I'd still let you come in my house. Maybe have some tea. I heard tea-bagging is fun... Do you know what tea-bagging is? No? How about you come over to my house sometime and I'll show you? No? Fine.

Anyway, I think gays shouldn't be so flamboyant. "Don't ask, don't tell", am I right? What? I don't hate gays! In fact, I happen to be in a one-sided relationship with a bisexual girl named Sarah as we speak. The way she and her girlfriend kiss as I stare in happy bliss from a distance with my little friend Fred in - Huh? Oh yeah... My black eye...

Like I was saying...[edit]

I had a match last night. Yeah, against Spider Rico. Knocked him out. In the third round, but he's claiming it was the sixth. Liar. You shoulda seen it. See my nose? I've been in over sixty fights and never had a busted nose -- Bent and twisted and bitten, but never broke. Cool, ain't it?


I am not just quoting lines from the first Rocky movie in a desperate last-ditch effort to make it seem like I actually box... Okay, maybe I was. So what? It is a classic movie. Everybody likes it. God, what I give to touch Sylvester Stallone's rippling abs and bulging biceps...

Like I said, I'm not gay. Any straight man would want to rub oil on Stallone's rock-hard body. I mean, he's like sixty and is that ripped. It's an inspiration. And it's not at all gay.


You're right. I was lying about the boxing. I actually got it when I fought Barney. Yes, the dinosaur. He started it, with his heart-warming subliminal messages of love, influencing all of those poor unsuspecting children. How dare he tell the youth of America to aspire to do great things with their lives instead of just following in their parent's footsteps of working for "The Man"! Fucking hippie. And what kind of peace-loving dinosaur has a pair of brass knuckles just in case! Huh?!

What? Don't believe that either, eh? Well, you're quite hard to deceive... Um... Would you believe it's because I just joined the Black Eyed Peas? Yeah, part of their initiation involves them giving all new recruits a black eye... Yeah, you're right. That's just stupid. Plus, Black Eyed Peas have sucked since Fergie made that solo album. Um... Yeah, let's get back to discussing my eye...

OH! Would you believe that I got it that time I accidentally miscalculated the date of creation during my sojourn in London? You see, what happened was, I accidentally said that the Bible was literal and that the Earth was only a few millennia old. A bunch of old guys with crazy hair started yelling at me in Jew-speak and one of them punched me in the eye, WTF!

What's that? You're sick of that damn in-joke? Okay.

How's this?[edit]

{insert a good 1500 or so bytes of stuff here, including some sort of remark about how I gave myself the injury because I was trying to get people to call me "Black Eye", reminiscent of Blackbeard because I'm a fan of pirates and then claim that I got it when I walked into a door...}

The truth[edit]

Fine. Since you won't believe any of my lies... I'll admit it. I got the black-eye when I got hit in the face by Howard Stern's massive schlong. Happy?