User:DrPoodle/HowTo:Use IRC

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Note: This article is here so I can work on it before releasing it.

IRC (International Retards Chat) is a great way of insulting / degrading / verbally raping random people worldwide without them knowing who or what you are, or indeed (in many cases) not even noticing you are doing it.

The first conversation over IRC was between Oscar Wilde and Lord Byron, using accounts created to conceal their identities. It is also considered to be the first ever Flame War:

<WiLdE_24> lols bYr0n_4 suxors!
<bYr0n_4>  stfu n00b!
<WiLdE_24> OMFG ZOMFG u r a m07h3r fu<k1n6 wh0r3!!!...pwned
<bYr0n_4>  u c4n g0 fu<k ur541f 0sC4r!!!
*** bYr0n_4 was kicked from #irc by Jarkko_Bot (Error: Privacy Violating Jackass Alert)
<WiLdE_24> 0h h3 ju57 g07 0wn3d!!! 7h15 7h1ng r0xors!!!
*** WiLdE_24 ([email protected]) Quit (cy4 guy5 l473r!!!)

Step 1 - Connecting to IRC[edit]

IRC Client[edit]

To use IRC you will need an IRC Client, which is a magical program that allows you to connect to any IRC server in the world. Because IRC is a massive commercial product, there is only one IRC Client you can use: Uncyclopedia IRC (UIRC for short) programmed by the Uncyclomedia Foundation. This program costs around $1000 to buy online, which includes Phone Support services free for a month (after which a $10 per minute charge is added).

The program takes up about 4GB of disk-space, and uses roughly 90% of your PC's memory to operate. It doesn't matter how much memory your PC has, the program will just reconfigure itself to use 90% of it. Many users have argued that this sort of automatic configuring is ruining their systems, but as there is no alternative program to connect to IRC, everyone has to make do with it.

UIRC is also only available for Windows users. Not because the Uncyclomedia Foundation is biast against users of Mac of Linux based Operating Systems, but because they just can't be bothered to make versions for any other OS.

Connecting to a Server[edit]

After you have installed UIRC, you will need to buy the additional program used to actually add a new server to your list. This program is slightly cheaper to purchase, only costing around $950 on average.

Once installed, the program will automatically sync itself with the installation of UIRC. This can take up to an hour, and the only input it needs from you is to click the "Next" button every few seconds, and enter in a few personal details which are shared with companies across the globe.

You can tell when the program has stopped the sync, because you will have developed acute Carpel Tunnel Syndrome and mild Arthritis in the hand you were clicking with. Now the world of IRC is unlocked for your enjoyment!

To add a new server, simply click "Add Server" and type in the server's UIRC CODE, which will be a 64 character string, identifying it on the UIRC network.

Logging In[edit]

Perhaps the most important phase of Connecting to IRC is registering and using an account. Your account needs two important pieces of information to register:

  • Nickname
  • Password

Choosing a password is easy. Simply use a word that you can remember easily, like "mother" or "chocolate". As long as you can remember that word, you can use it with your Nickname to sign into IRC. Many people are too forgetful to remember such words, but they shouldn't be deterred from using IRC at all. Your password could simply be "password". You won't ever need to remember it, because (thankfully) it is written by the side of the box where you enter your password...what could be easier?

Choosing a Nickname is also easy, as most people were given one at school by various friends / teachers / bullies, so all you have to do is remember what they used to call you. Some examples are "Fatty", "Bonehead", and "Cry Baby", all of which are perfectly acceptable Nicknames, but all have unfortunate problems.

The Nicknames mentioned above are all quite common on the playground, and so the chances are, someone has "nicked" your Nickname (heh) before you had a chance to use it. A simple solution to this is just to add a load of random letters and numbers to the start/middle/end of the Nickname, making it so random, the odds of another person registering it before you are tiny.

The end result for the Nickname "Fatty" could be "456_Fatty_007" or "F477Y_111". (Notice the clever use of leet and underscores to make the Nickname more visually stunning.)

Underscores can also be used to represent "spaces", since IRC does not allow spaces in Nicknames unless you pay an extra $100 a month fee. The previously unusable Nickname "Cry Baby" can now become "Cry_Baby", or "Cry_B4BY_100" when applying the techniques used above.

WARNING: The Uncyclomedia Foundation are getting wiser to users using underscores instead of paying for spaces in Nicknames, and have started disallowing them completely on some servers. To combat this, we suggest using our helpful friend, the hyphen: -

Once you have registered both your Nickname and Password, use them to log into the IRC server when prompted!

Step 2 - Using IRC[edit]