User:El Zoof/Heroes (TV Series)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Heroes (TV series).

Heroes is a multiple Nobel Prize-award winning 2006 Reality TV game show produced in the USA. In the show, teams of mutants are given a series of random tasks to complete in order to win cash and other prizes. Although rating highly on NBC, it was put on hiatus due to scandals involving the judging process. A consultant has been brought in for the second half of the season to help resolve cheating via manipulation of timelines.


Each of the teams on Heroes is composed of two individuals who have some type of relationship with each other. The teams represent a wide demographic of idiots, totally incompetent morons and politicians. Relationships include: Just Good Friends, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Husband/Ho, Dom/Sub and Multiple Personality Disorder. Teammates must complete their tasks together, alone, with other teammates, or not at all. If any of the teammates are unable to complete their tasks due to injury, death, or failed contract negotiations, then tough luck to them, buddy.

The show is hosted by Mohinder Suresh, who provides a 15 minute monologue at the beginning of each episode, and ends each episode with an Orko™ Brand Morality-monologue. In the first season, Suresh had two co-hosts, Eden McCain and Sylar McMadbastard, however due to behind-the-scenes conflicts between the two, Eden McCain was fired at. Sylar McMadbastard is currently under negotiations to return to the series, once certain dietary concerns have been allayed. Rumours that Sylar McMadbastard is a zombie have been rebuffed by the network with cries of "Bullshit!" and "Er... possibly not..."


Team Leader Flunky Names Occupation Superpower(s) Relationship
Heroes claire010707.jpg Smith.jpg Claire
Mr. Bennet
Cheerleader! Hurrah!
Legitimate Businessman
Spontaneous whining
Heroes simone010707.jpg Heroes isaac010707.jpg Simone
Mystery Sock
Pretentious bastard
Subtle acting
I can SEE the FUTURE, MAN!
"Complicated" (over)
Heroes dl2010707.jpg Heroes micah010707.jpg D.L.
Numberplate Manufacturer
Father & Son
(Like that Cat Stevens song! Cool!)
Astrohead.jpg AndoMasahashi.jpg Hiro
Knows every X-Man
Knows every Jenna Jameson movie
Hero and Sidekick
Heroes matt010707.jpg Heroes-janice.jpg EricMatt
Heroes nathan010707.jpg Heroes peter010707.jpg Nathan
Flies with the power of hot air
Optimism. Dork.
Husband and wife
Heroes niki010707.jpg Heroes ikiN010707.jpg Niki
Internet entrepeneur
Drains wallets
Flips out and kills people
One lives in the other's brane!!!


Each episode features the teams racing to complete a series of tasks, which may at first seem to be linked in a complex and intricate manner but usually turn out to be completely random. Any clues are to be taken with a grain of salt, or sugar if preferred, and not only point the contestants and audience in the wrong direction, but are also bloody irritating.


The flying tasks was first completed by Isaac, who managed to get higher than anybody else by shutting himself into a small room and painting with oils. This also allowed him to see through time, thus causing one of several breaches of the laws of physics which this program has become infamous for.


A number of teams have excelled at this task, with Niki and Mystery Sock taking an early lead before being completely blown away by Claire the cheerleader - and as everyone knows, it's hard to recover quickly once blown away by a cheerleader.

Shave the Cheerleader[edit]

Although many of the men were eager to complete this task, they seemed to have difficulty working out which cheerleader it was they were supposed to be shaving. At one point many of them found themselves unable to leave the cheerleader's dressing room, as they found that they were encountering a certain degree of difficulty. Or at least, found it very hard.


Apart from violating several human rights by perpetrating Reality TV, many viewers have complained that the continued and blatant violations of the laws of physics, causality and basic narrative structure have rendered the competetion virtually meaningless. NBC responded earlier in the season by advising viewers to shut the hell up, but were eventually forced to bring in a consultant from the world's most popular BBC travel show, Doctor Who. It is unknown how long it will take audiences to catch on to the fact that this consultant is not, as is claimed, invisible, but in fact died of wheelchair of the legs several years ago.

Mind Reading[edit]

Eric WeissMatt Parkman has been accused of being able to read people's minds, thus gaining a considerable advantage over the other teams. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

  • He'd know by now that his wife has currently slept with the Green Bay Packers
  • Most of the other teammembers are brainless idiots, especially after personal consultation with Sylar

Time Travel[edit]

Hiro Nakamura has been accused of using his powers of time travel and stopping time to manipulate the other teams and find answers to questions before they've been asked. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

  • Shut up
  • Go to hell and die

NBC director Bob Wright has responded to accusations that Mystery Sock can see through time with "Have you seen this guy? He can't even tie his shoes. When he's sober."