User:Electrified mocha chinchilla/United States presidential election of 1492
“Wait, I thought I was running for president of India...?”
The United States presidential election of 1492 took place on Election Day, Tuesday, November 6. The Democratic-Republican candidate, Christopher Columbus, narrowly defeated Green candidate Pocahontas despite vote-splitting from Erik the Red's Communist campaign. The key issues were illegal immigration and the curvature of the Earth.
The Democratic-Republican race became unusually heated due to a conflict between Columbus and Claude Ptolemaeus, a fellow primary candidate. Columbus produced a series of television ads claiming credit for proving the spherical of the Earth. However, Ptolemaeus insisted that he had published this fact some 1,340 years previous, leading Columbus to call him a "Ptwo-faced liar" in a famously effective attack ad. Ptolemy dropped out after the Olde Hampshire primary, urging both of his supporters to vote for Mike Gravel and effectively triple his vote share.
After securing the nomination by using gunpowder and horses, previously unknown to North American presidential politics, Columbus seemed to be unstoppable. However, he made several public gaffes in referring to the "United States of India", which were replayed endlessly on late-night television. Also, his spending plan was extremely optimistic and relied on the distance to Election Day being almost 40% shorter than generally believed. Had the date not been moved up, Columbus' campaign would have died of thirst barely half-way to the finish line.
Discontent within the Democratic base, especially the left wing, led to a surge in support for the previously unknown Communist candidate Erik the Red (who, ironically, was white). Mr. the Red promised to nationalize all industry, although neither industry nor nationalism had then been invented. Pundits suggested his outstanding murder warrant in Iceland could be a problem, but he was able to turn it into an advantage in the first televised debate by joking, "How can you live in Iceland during the winter and not try to kill someone?"
The Green party was contesting a United States election for the first time, although most of its members had extensive political experience as tribal elders. Green fund-raising was based largely on casino gambling, yet was strangely ineffective. Some party activists criticized the national leadership's choice to spend most of the war chest on shiny beads. Nonetheless, Governor Pocahontas was widely expected to cruise to an easy victory on the strength of her film celebrity and ability to paint with all the colors of the wind. Pocahontas was criticized for her endorsement of a Flat Earth cosmology, but this had surprisingly little impact on the voting patterns of Native Americans, who thought that whatever shape the Earth was, it didn't belong to the white man.
|Presidential Candidate||Party||Home State||Popular Vote||Electoral Vote||Running Mate||Running Mate's
|Christopher Columbus||Democratic-Republican||Hispaniola||12,267||0.24%||28||Washington Irving||Washington||27*|
|Erik the Red||Communist||Vinland||4,221||0.08%||6||Gandalf the Gray||Timeless Halls||7*|
*Irving was also a delegate for his state, but felt it would be overly selfish to vote for himself.
Certain disreputable sources including Internet blogs and Wikipedia raised questions about the distribution of electoral votes, but these claims were found to be baseless. The unusual distribution of Electoral College votes was caused by a combination of pregnant chads, the phase of the moon, and burning marsh gases reflected by a high-altitude weather balloon.
|United States Presidential Elections|
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See also: HowTo:Win a Presidential Election in the USA • Political advertising