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“How u mine 4 fish?”

~ lamz0r n00b on "The Kingdom of Loathing"

RuneScape (or RunEscape) is an online game launched by Jagex Industries. The game was originally meant to exist for smugglingOscar Wilde quotes across the borders of the Internet. It achieved moderate success until the invention and utilization of Uncyclopedia, which essentially put RuneScape out of business. Desperate for cash, the creators turned it into an online game, and after several attempts, released it to the public in a form they would understand. The game was a smash hit, gaining enough prestige to earn its very own Uncyclopedia article.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Encoded.

RuneScape is an MMORPG comparable to other games such as Guild Wars, World of Gaycraft and Final Fantasy XI. There are currently over nine million registered accounts, with about sixty-three or so of those currently active. (During peak hours, almost 8 or 9 people have been known to log on at once, making it the most popular online Java the Hutt game ever.) The game acts as an alternative for social interaction for the nerds and twelve year olds who play it.

RuneScape is based around running around, killing stuff, and eating it...and raping it. The main goal of every single player on the game is to become the "phattest" player. The game is based around collecting party hats, otherwise known as "phats"; hence the "phatness" goal. The player who gets the "phattest" (collects the most phats) is the winner. Together, this suggests that all of the people who play RuneScape either eat at McDonald's or have an eating disorder or is Jesse(AKA watupladys).[1]

Versions of RuneScape[edit]

Choose-Your-Own RuneScape Adventure[edit]

The table of table of contents. Told you it was huge.

Back when RuneScape was first being developed, Jagex didn't know what kind of game RuneScape was going to be, so they turned to 3-year-olds for help. The first kid they asked said he liked choose-your-own adventure books, and that was good enough for them! The book, originally called Choose-Your-Own RuneScape Adventure, gave players every single choice that would later be available in the online version. But since it was in book form, that meant that every single tile, every single action, every single little detailed possibility was accounted for.

And that meant that the book was frigging HUGE.

Seriously, here's an excerpt from the book:

Page 1
You have finally loaded RuneScape after half an hour of loading. Which class do you wish to play as?
To play as a miner, go to page 2.
To play as an adventurer, go to page 34289.
To play as a ranger, go to page 623423.
To play as a wizard, go to page 142794.
To play as a warrior, go to page 1659084.


Page 2
You are a miner. What do you wish to do?
To go north one tile, go to page 78.
To go south one tile, go to page 90234.
To go east one tile, go to page 425463.
To go west one tile, go to page 6.
To equip your pickaxe, go to page 31,758,431,759,431.
To beg to a random person, go to page 2360.


Page 3
Elvarg has hit you for 24 damage. You have 1 hit point left. What do you wish to do?
To curse yourself for not bringing any items, go to page 5 while cursing.
To die, go to page 1.
To PM I scream D I to come and save you, go to page 77756
To see the surprise ending, go to page 1337.


Page 1337
Elvarg was a hax0rer. You lost all your items. What do you wish to do?
To whine in the forums, go to page 10
To see if he stole your Axe of Flaming Death, go to page 3,254,121,726
To see if he stole your Pickaxe, go to page 1226
To stop playing and get a life, go to page 0

RuneScape: the RPG[edit]

RuneScape: the RPG was fairly popular for a while, attracting even the attention of the Knights of the Dinner Table. Popular, that is, until the first-ever official tournament was completely ruined when Zezima flew into a fit of rage after rolling a 1 and subsequently strangling himself while trying to catch a lobster. In an event eerily resembling the World 111 Glitch, Zezima ran around the hall and slew random players, yelling "PK! PK!" Zezima may be powerful now, but you ain't seen nothing if you weren't there for the previous versions of RuneScape. Rumor has it that he even beat the book version before it was completed.


The creators finally decided to make the game into an online MMORPG. Thusly they developed a game called DeviousMUD, which resembles modern RuneScape, but doesn't really look anything like it. When Jagex looked into their crystal balls and saw that DeviousMUD looked nothing like the game they were supposed to be making, they halted all development and started over.

RuneScape Classic[edit]

Eventually Jagex finally got it right, releasing the game to the public as an online MMORPG. The website was created, the first accounts were made, and the first n00b was pwnt. For Jagex, however, that wasn't good enough. So they put their heads together and tried to think of a way to make RuneScape even better by taking wilderness away.

RuneScape today[edit]

Today's version of RuneScape. Note the hyper-realistic graphical effects.

Jagex found their answer in the form of the god they themselves had created, Zamorak. And so, on one cold February evening, under the guise of better graphics, Zamorak blessed Jagex, and Jagex took a collective dump and named it RuneScape 2 (the beta version of RS2 had been released 3 months prior, after Paul Gower had a bad case of the shits). This is the RuneScape we all know and love!

...well, except for the guys who still play RuneScape Classic, so we'll say it's the RuneScape we all know and most of us love, but you can call those runescape classic players 40-year old virgins.

...but then there's the people that hate RuneScape, so it's more of the RuneScape we all know and some of us love.

...but then you add in the starving kids in Ethiopia who don't even know about electricity, and such, and it's more like the RuneScape a few of us know and almost nobody loves. For some strange reason, some people actually like this game.

Then again, we all have to feel bad for those Ethiopian kids.



A commonly found RuneScape n00b.

This section deals with n00bs as found in RuneScape. For other uses, see the main article n00b or this section of this article.

RuneScape has been cited as a popular hangout for n00bs. A brave undercover reporter went into the realm of RuneScape to discover whether any truth existed in this myth, venturing as far as deep into the city of Lumbridge. What he got was more, so much more, than what he bargained for. Players viciously fought over the pot, knife, and iron dagger respawns, and left their burnt chicken lying around in the Cook's kitchen. The in-game instructor NPCs were swamped trying to keep up with all the n00bs asking them for free stuff. They even had to start handing out "training items" to avoid a mass riot. The rivers choked with the slain rats, goblins and chickens that fell by the thousands to the sheer power of these players. (As well as the unfortunate n00bs that accidentally fought the farmers and cows.) The general store was overwhelmed with burnt shrimp, wooden shields, cabbage, and bones.

But worst of all, according to our undercover reporter, was the incredible influence of these n00bs. The reporter witnessed a crowd of 15 or 20 n00bs pass by a level 93 player wearing full rune and holding a dragon longsword. When the dust cleared, the player was stripped completely nude (even his clothes were gone) and he was immediately banned for obscenity. Quickly, the reporter left the scene with his hastily written notes, so that he did not share the player's gruesome fate.

The reporter's conclusion was that RuneScape was overrun with n00bs and needed a purging. He sent letters to Jagex requesting that Lumbridge be destroyed by an asteroid, but Jagex's response was the typical finger. It was done as they do in RuneScape, of course, so it looked like this: -.|..(-.-)..|.-


Aside from n00bs, many players in RuneScape boast membership. Being a member means you get access to all of RuneScape and an extra 100 pounds of fat, rather than the 10% available to "free players", or non-members. Members have the power to lord it over free players, wear full dragon, wield the abyssal scissors, say things like "Selling 10 laws!", take shortcuts, etc. They also have more skills to waste their lives on. All these advantages of membership cost only your firstborn son, your house title, and some pie for the admins. Oh, and, like every other aspect of RuneScape, lots of time.

Top Players[edit]

These are the players who have devoted their lives to RuneScape achieved the highest possible ranking of their respective stats.

  • Zezima (level 99 everything)
  • Harry Potter (level 99 Magic)
  • Xena Warrior Princess (level 99 Strength, Attack, and Defense)
  • Robin Hood (level 99 Ranged, level 99 Fletching)
  • Bob the Builder (level 99 Construction)
  • Starcraft Terran SCV\ (level 99 Mining)
  • Jesus (level 99 Prayer)
  • Chef Boyardee (level 99 Cooking)
  • Paul Bunyan (level 99 Woodcutting and Firemaking)
  • Edward Elric (level 99 Smithing and level 99 Herblore)
  • Jack Bauer (level 99 Hunting and Slayer)
  • The Flash (level 99 Agility)
  • Farmer Joe (level 99 Farming)
  • Bob the Generic n00b (level 99 N00b)
  • Bill Gates (level 99 Thieving, owner of 98% of the game's gp)
  • Your Mom (because, as stated above, the fattest wins)
  • Cabbage (since he's such a bastard)

Game Mechanics[edit]


A RuneScaper demonstrating the use of the scissors form.

Because RuneScape revolves around battle, a significant amount of in-game resources are devoted to combat. All combat-related actions can be categorized into three "combat types". These three types of combat form a combat triangle, where each type of combat is advantageous over one of the others, but is weak against the third. The three types are called scissors, rock, and paper.

Scissors refers to the use of hand-to-hand weapons. Users of the Scissors form can whack monsters, other players, or whatever else with enormous chunks of metal shaped vaguely like weapons. It is named after the most powerful weapon in the game, the abyssal scissors, which is so powerful that it can cut through any type of paper known to man, including the sticky part of Post-It notes. Scissors always beat rock, but is pwnt by paper.

Rock refers to ranged weapons. Basically, rocks are projectiles that can be thrown at enemies. A major advantage to rocks is that players can hurl them at opponents and monsters from across tables and fences, and the target won't be smart enough to move around to the other side. Sadly, these enemies are still smarter than half the RuneScape population. Rock destroys paper, but is no match for scissors.

Paper is slang for scrolls, which have magic spells on them. Nobody knows why magic is called paper, seeing as how magic isn't read from scrolls on RuneScape, but there you go. Paper users are often considered the strongest, since if they run out of runes to power their spells, they can use the paper to give their opponent a nasty paper cut. Paper always beats scissors, but can't stand up to the pure muscle of rock. Some players also insist that the King's Reward scroll, which rewards you with a great number of gold coins (600gp), makes quite the rolling paper. Collect many King's brand rolling papers and you could make a small fortune!


Main article: Runescape Quests
Quests in RuneScape are quite possibly the most exciting aspect of this third-person sworder. Most quests consist of something along these lines:

  • Find some dude|tte in trouble.
  • Talk to him/her.
  • Have them tell you about the overly simple errand they need running, or the curse that's been in their family for generations.
  • Run the simple errand.
  • Kill something.
  • Kill something else.
  • Have somebody talk to somebody else, and recieve their life's savings as reward.


The game known as RuneScape Classic, an older version of RuneScape.

According to polls collected on the world's ultimate website, RuneScape boasts an incredible graphics engine, soaring ahead of such engines as Source, Doom III, and real life by a longshot. The excellently rendered static pixels, the state-of-the-art distance fog (a calm and relaxing black haze instead of a depressing white haze), the awe-inspiring 3D graphics... all of this has sharp written all over it. Sharp enough, in fact, to give players a brain hemorrhage (or at least cause optical bleeding or, in extreme cases, SEHS) if taken in for too long.

Owing to the immense success of the RuneScape graphics engine, Jagex's graphical artists have clealry spent hours rendering the textures used throughout the game, and decided that in this case, simplicity is superiority. RuneScape players will never see any image containing more than four colors of pixels, because anything more might fry the servers.

But now Fagex has released Runescape HD. This update is pointless since running HD will lag any computer and blow it up to pieces. But these graphics rivaled World of fruitcraft's graphics. Now the monsters have texture to make them look like scratched dildo's.


In order to simplify things between players, RuneScape supports an in-game chat feature so you can totally hit on that hot chick in the full dragon, also for for the perverted social outcasts who use their imaginations WAY too much. Players can type a message into the message box and when they press Enter, the message will appear right above their heads! (Just like a comic book, only without a speech bubble.) Players can alter the appearance of their messages; for example, the message "red:AAAAAAAAA!" would appear as AAAAAAAAA!". Players can also make their messages flash colors or wave around, rather than stay stationary. No one is sure why these features were implemented. The most common use of these features is in World 1 at Varrock, where hundreds of players gather in spots of a dozen tiles or less and valiantly pursue their quest to give all of RuneScape a collective seizure through their use of flashing letters.

"N00b" is a very commonly found term on RuneScape. It is used by players as an adjective for almost anything (for example, "LULZ THT IZ A NOOB TREE"). It is also important to note that all players are far too n00bish to spell "n00b" correctly[2].

Language Filter[edit]

The RuneScape language filter ranks among the most sound and stable language filters available in online gaming. It is capable of censoring out just about any profanity detected in the game dialogue by replacing obscene words with asterisks, thereby protecting the innocence of the twelve-year-olds who play the game. "Crud", "lol", "help", "Darn", "Ovaries", "Newbie", and "Goatse" are among the most commonly encountered expletives found within the game.

Below is a sample of a RuneScape dialogue exchange, demonstrating the ruggedness of the language filter.

ed_22 says: "Hi" 
uber1 says: "He**o *d_22"
ed_22 says: "Coo* axe u*er1, can * buy?"
uber1 says: "Sure"
ed_22 says: "Ho* ***h?"
uber1 says: "W*a*?"
ed_22 says: "Cost?"
uber1 says: "Oh, 1**"
ed_22 says: "How ****?"
uber1 says: "W*** a** *** saying*"
ed_22 says: "*** **** **** it *****"
uber1 says: "* **** ***"
ed_22 says: "************************"
system message: ed_22 has been permanently banned and muted for using profanities


Jagex is very concerned about the health and safety of their patrons. To this end they have taken the necessary steps to ensure that everyone on RuneScape has a really good time. Their security system is second to none, protecting people the world over from the wrath of hackers and angry n00bs.

These are simply a few of the space-age security features offered by Jagex:

Random Events[edit]

Main article: Runescape random events


Oh noes!

Jagex loves to ban their beloved players at the drop of a hat. The slightest hint of macro use (which was really just a n00b who hated you that reported you) and OMGOMGPERMBAN!!!11. Lifting a ban, however, is possible due to their patented Banan-aPeel system. Applicants must craft a lie in 400 characters or less, explaining that they were hacked (or drunk) and couldn't control their character, or face the ultimate doom of the real world. Within 6-8 weeks Jagex may reply with a STFU, or not reply at all.

A typical Jagex response is as follows:

We are 140099999999999999999% confident in our macro detection systems, and in the poorly
trained staff who monitor and take action based on the results produced
by a monkey, and as such are 1300999999999% confident that you have been using
such a program. This is a fuzzy dilution of the Rules of Conduct and in
accordance with our policies, your account has been placed on a permanent banana.
This decision is FINAL and any further banan-apeels will
only be considered if significant amounts of pot are offered.
RuneScape Customer Support

Permanent Muting[edit]

Permanent muting is Jagex's new way to get stupid n00bs to shut the HELL up. A system administrator, upon discovery of someone spamming a player for free stuff, will cast a magical spell to seal away the n00b's voice box for all of eternity. Or perhaps half an eternity, depending on the length of the muting. Either way, drop parties are held afterwards in celebration. If the same person continues to create accounts and commit jackassery, an order for permanent muting is issued to Jagex Special Ops.


Main article: Runescape Moderators

Recovery Questions[edit]

If, by some odd chance, your account is hacked, you can recover your password by answering your recovery questions, which you must set yourself[citation needed]. Suggested questions by Jagex include "Who was your first best friend?" "Where were you born?" "What was your mother's maiden name?" "What's your Social Security number?" "How many nipples do you have?" or anything else that the original hacker in question could get from your LiveJournal.


Nope, this isn't a macroing program. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Macroing is completely impossible. There is no way that a program called SCAR, ARGA, or iBot actually exists and works. Also, any rumors you may have heard about an elite group of SCAR pascal scripters is absolutely false. Also, a supposed Runescape cheating encyclopedia you may have heard about does not exist. Besides, even if they did exist, Jagex's advanced anti-macro system would ban them immediately. The function is as follows:



  1. Or both.
  2. Including the player writing this article. Damn.

See Also[edit]

Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online