User:Feebas factor/Naruto Original

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Naruto Original

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"Dude! We're ninjas! We graduated Ninja Tech!"

Naruto (ドラゴンの球z ) is an unsuccessful anime series by Junichiro Koizumi and a part of the final phase of project anime. It stars an aspiring ninja by the name of Smoochina Sausage, avid slicer of wrists and fan of My Chemical Romance, and his two teammates, Whirly Swirlamagig and Haruno Whatsherface. Having lost the draft for the plot of this series three days prior to his deadline, Koizumi resorted to desperate measures and generated it from scratch by taking the script for J.K.R. Tolkien's Harry Potter series, replacing all the wizards with ninjas, shredding it into pieces and randomly drawing plot threads and characterisation points in order. This choice seems to have been purely arbitrary- only God knows how differently things would have turned out had he decided to use the script for Bob the Builder instead.

Explode! Dive!! And more vaguely action-oriented verbs followed by superfluous exclamation marks and flashbacks!!! It's the Naruto Plot, BELIEVE IT!!![edit]

WARNING: Attacks in battle are farther then they appear.

Fake bootleg international editions have led some amateur fans to believe the series follows the trials and tribulations of some guy by the name of "Uzumaki Naruto", a teenage ninja who wants to become a ninja in Cojona, the village of leaf fires. However, the true original versions feature nothing of the sort, and instead focus on Smoochiha Sausage, a dark-haired boy with a dark soul bent on killing his brother, Hibachi. Also at the focus of the story are Haruno Whatsherface, a pink-haired blonde with a crush on Sausage, and Sausage's rival, Swirlamagig, who keeps raving on about the coming of the "Hok Age" except nobody ever listens to him, because they are too busy marvelling at Sausage's tortured soul. The three pre-teens are involved in a love triangle in which Swirlamagig likes Whatsherface, Whatsherface likes Sausage, and Sausage probably likes Swirlamagig (at one scene, he cleverly manipulates the social dynamics of the entire class to result in Swirlamagig being pushed on him, resulting in a kiss; in another quite touching scene, he demonstrates his undying affection by deciding at the last minute not to kill him).

Cojona, which is where most of the story takes place, is the hidden city of dusty leaves - one of five such cities all well-known for their lack of distinction and generic landscape. The ninja of the hidden villages are hired as mercenaries to suit the petty purposes of those with enough cash; this usually involves ninjas fighting other ninjas, and thus necessitates the training of twelve-year-old children to become emotionless tools of death. The result is that Ninja culture has assimilated all other normal culture in the known world, and the place is full of fully armed teenagers throwing explosives and stabbing each other with sharp objects (compare middle east).

Twelve years before the events at the focus of the series, one of the residents of Cojona made a fatal mistake: he allowed a fire stone to touch his pet Vulpix. The Vulpix, of course, immediately mutated into a gigantic, malevolent Ninetales, wreaking havoc in the village and killing many of its residents. The Ninetales' special attack rating was truly beyond decent; it roared, flattened mountains, raised tidal waves, kidnapped women in their twenties and climbed with them to the top of buildings while resisting heavy helicopter fire, etc. etc., until Numbuh Four, on a special mission from the Kids Next Door to retrieve gear from the village so they would be able to dress up as ninjas for Hallowe'en, managed to take advantage of the Ninetales' low defense rating and seal it with a secret Ninjutsu (probably to be revealed at the launch of Pokemon Diamond and Pearl), sacrificing his life in the process out of undying love for Numbuh Three (it has been theorised that Whirly is in fact their love child from the future, which would certainly explain a lot). Numbuh Four wanted the people of the village to remember Whirly as a hero, since acting pretty much as a container for garbage that cannot otherwise be disposed of should obviously make one the subject of utmost reverence. Surprisingly they did not.

Naruto doesn't maintain any sort of balance whatsoever, and actually, people are still wondering exactly why it is named "Naruto" in the first place. It follows Sausage and his friends as they develop new and more elaborate techniques to kill people, which are necessary for their survival because just throwing shurikens or kunais never, ever works; it also capitalizes on the fact that apparently in Cojona you must have a traumatic childhood to sign up for being a teenager, and the inhumane ordeals the characters have gone through to attain teenage hood. Sausage gets stuck with two people he couldn't care less about, Whirly and Whatsherface, but they aren't really important and serve mainly for filling purposes when the author doesn't feel like advancing the main storyline: Sausage's ambition to exact vengeance upon his brother, Hibachi. Subplots are sometimes adopted to augment this fundamental pillar of plot, but are dropped without second notice. I mean, who cares about all that other stuff anyway.

What?! Exposition Already?! The Main Characters Gather!!![edit]

Clash of the Super Main Characters! Team 13.2 goes Wild One Hour Special!![edit]

Locked in a vicious love triangle and a forever-ongoing mission to recover Scarecrow's lost brain, Team 13.2 is essentially an assembly of people from dysfunctional families who had come together to form another sort of family. Ideally. However, Sausage's betrayal has screwed it up completely, possibly rendering the ambient dysfunctionality levels worse than they were to begin with. It is named team 13.2 after the average number of times Whatsherface utters "Sausage-Kun" per minute (SKpM). Mercifully, since Sausage has gone to Lord Voldemort in search of power, the "13.2" is no longer applicable and the remaining three members are just sorta known as "That team over there" nowadays.

  • Scarecrow - Some guy addicted to gay porn, who managed, in a freak, hentai-related accident years earlier, to lose both his brain and his left eye. Although he quickly managed to lay a hand on a spare eye by arranging for the death of one of his teammates, he never quite figured out a method to restore his brain and has been searching for the legendary Wizard of Oz ever since. Fortunately for him, though this disability renders him mostly incapable of speech, not constantly pouring forth a torrent of idiotic shit from the mouth is often regarded, in Cojona, as a sign of unrivaled genius. His implanted eye suffers from severe internal bleeding and infections, causing it to appear very red with spots of black here and there, but due to mental instability he is absolutely certain that this is because God has blessed his eye allowing him to see the future, nullify nearby explosions by sending them to King Kai's Planet, and make stuff explode by staring at it. He also likes to read cheap adult graphic novels while fighting, as it helps him fantasize what his opponent would look like if they were naked. Unfortunately this immersion often leads him to confuse the novel's reality with his own, and this has led to several unfortunate events involving the children of Cojona who were tragically put under his care. He is known to be one of the only two people to ever become an ANBU and live.
  • Smoochiha Sausage - The arrogant, even-minded sole survivor of the formerly powerful Smoochiha Sausage Stand Corporation -- which was brought to its knees and the verge of bankruptcy by Hibachi, his evil brother. Sausage is the main character of the series, although a fringe cult of deluded Swirlamagig fans claims otherwise. His ambition is avenging and resurrecting his fallen clan, or in more blunt terms, killing Hibachi and getting laid. Sausage is overall a very talented ninja and has even inherited the Smoochiha's powerful genetic ability, Shenanigans, but his unrelenting fixation on gaining even more power has led him to defect from Cojona village to seek guidance from Lord Voldemort, gaining odd duck-like wings and lipstick in the process. Only character not to be rendered obsolete by Whatsherface. Is also emo. In the horribly mangled bootleg copies his name was hilariously mistranslated as "Uchiha Sasuke".
  • Swirlamagig Whirly - By any and all reasonable criteria that could possibly be applied, Whirly is the suckiest ninja ever. Seriously, nothing useful comes from this kid. He is Sausage's teammate and rival, and doesn't really compare to Sausage even when he releases the terrible, hidden, above-average, special attack rating of the Ninetales sealed within him, which often causes severe nasal trauma and bleeding from the eye sockets. He idolizes the late Numbuh Four and has deluded dreams to someday take over the village, bringing about the Fourth Hok Age. Aside from his infamous ramen addiction, Whirly is renowned for his distinctive fighting style:
    1. Charge in blindly from the front without any use of strategy whatsoever. Get pwned. (Wield a pointy weapon for bonus points.)
    2. Attempt a technique from the vast accessible repertoire of approximately five, out of which three are of any conceivable use. Completly ignore the context of the situation and the probability that the enemy just might be omg fast and omg strong and possessing of a cheesy secret ability that the attack will only serve as a cannon fodder stage for the demonstration of. Get pwned.
    3. Duplicate self to myriad copies. Have each copy individually attempt steps 1 and 2. Get pwned.
    4. (Optional) Duplicate self into myriad copies, and stand there doing absolutely nothing while the bad guy picks them off one by one with balls of lightning or bone swords. Then actually wonder why it didn't work.
    5. Continue getting pwned.
    6. Have a tear-jerking emotional flashback.
    7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 while inside tear-jerking emotional flashback.
    8. Have the very disorienting recursive loop mercifully terminated by opponent countering with their own tear-jerking emotional flashback.
    9. Construct a plan so flabbergastingly dumb as to morph with the very simple action of finding the enemy to, by purely semantic logic, leave them dumbfounded.
    10. Attempt that jutsu. Sucky enemy eliminated DC-14, non-sucky enemy eliminated on a natural 20. Previous emotional flashbacks lend a cumulative +1 bonus.
    11. (Previously) Yaaaargggggh. Get angry, have eyes turn red, grow fangs, shout out in agony and despair, grow tail and red fur. Charge in. Unless you are either fighting Bebi Vegeta or are still in 2003 and in the midst of the chunin exam arc, get pwned.
    12. (Currently) Recall the damages of going all Yaaaaaargh. Refuse to go all yaaaarrggh. Pursue alternative source of power via training. Until that is accomplished, get pwned. Repeatedly.
  • Haruno Whatsherface- Little is known about the mysterious Whatsherface. Nobody has ever met her family, her childhood is smoke and mirrors, and most suspiciously of all, she appears to have no background, distinctive personality quirks, or childhood trauma whatsoever. How she outwitted the Cojona bureaucracy and managed to become a teenager despite this is hotly debated among fans. She's obviously in love with Sausage but has, in recent manga chapters, said something which can be interpreted to mean she's starting to have romantic feelings for Swirly, so now fans are going to be confused until, well, basically until Koizumi feels like it. In two years of arduous training whatsherface has developed Smashy Smashy no Jutsu, a terribly intricate technique of supreme strategic prowess consisting of punching stuff really hard, usually causing it to break. When she gets angry her hormones lose control and her PMS is formed as a seperate entity in her mind. Most notably, Haruno Whatsherface emerged from relative non-importance and obscurity to a state where her ambivalent romantic feelings and angst have all but swallowed the series whole and rendered most other characters redundant.
  • Psy - An underling sent to infiltrate That Team Over There on behalf of a generation-old fascist conspiracy within the village, codename "Psy" - nobody cares about his real name - is essentially like Sausage with a transmogrified personality and a belly shirt. Unlike angsty teenagers who merely whine about how they have no social skills, Psy really does not, in fact, have any social skills, as instead of actual experience his fascist superiors forced him to get acquainted with the subject by reading the FAQ. Psy's main weapon is the deadly art of insult swordfighting, and though he isn't that great at it it still gives him an edge over the clueless, witless people of Cojona. Example:
Psy: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Whirly: ...I'm shaking, I'm shaking! (Psy wins).
Whereas the correct comeback is
Psy: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Guybrush: Why? Did you want to borrow one? (Guybrush wins).
Psy: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Guybrush: Why? Did you think I had a third leg? (Guybrush wins).
Psy: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Guybrush: Why? Did you want to suck it? (Guybrush wins).
And in the extremely rare case of the opponent possessing the fearsome bloodline limit, Shenanigans:
Psy: You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Hibachi (using Shenanigans' "copycat" power): You're weak. Do you even have a penis?
Psy: Umm... No...
Hibachi: Aha! (Hibachi wins).
As you can see, Psy is very fond of using the word "penis". He has already addressed Swirlamagig's penis twice and is expected to use the word "penis" many times in the future.


Penis, penis, penis.


Hidden Emotions, White Hopes: The Tragedy of Team 26.4[edit]

A bunch of freaks from Sausage's year who took the Tuning Exam with his team, Team 26.4 specializes in running around aimlessly and searching for stuff, which works out well as three-quarters of the recent manga revolves around exactly that.

  • Shonenai - The leader of the team who knows how to mess with people's minds. She has really weird eyes, which is probably the reason Cancer Man digs her (the weirdo). She was actually meant to be in a hentai manga but the project got scrapped when she tried to MKULTRA-style mind control one of the line artists. Shonenai's main characteristic is her proficiency in genjutsu (the aforementioned messing with people's minds). Since this is equally displayed by Whatsherface, she has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress. She currently has Cancer Man's HIV'd bun in her oven.
  • Willard Bugmenot - A guy wearing a long coat and sunglasses, often seen selling pirated CDs in large quantities taking advantage of the trench coat. No one knows what else lies underneath the trench coat besides roaches and pirated CDs. He serves very little plot purpose during the first part of the series. Then when Swirlamagig returns to the village two and a half thousand years later (or at least, fans report this was the perceived length of waiting for the chapter in question to be released,) he only manages to recognize Bugmenot by noting his familiarly annoying speech. Sucks to be him. Bugmenot's main characteristic is his unique fighting style, consisting of covering his enemies with rats until they notice that they're being covered by rats and having them freak out. He has a wide breadth of knowledge regarding nature, herbs, wildlife and the like. Since this is equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.
  • Pinata Colada - ...And getting lost in the rain... The ancients have long spoken of this long-forgotten character, once thought to possibly be Swirlamagig's love interest and prominent feature in many sappy "omg I am standing up and fighting and not running away" scenes, believed to be irrevocably buried within the sands of time. Though strange still shots from a parallel universe collected by quantum computers have depicted her practicing Sailor Moon poses naked under waterfalls and shooting laser beams from her bare hands, she had remained as legendary and elusive as ever for as long as recorded history stretches - which was not surprising, given her X-ray vision augmented Tai-chi and undying, stalking, adoration of Swirlamagig being rendered utterly obsolete by her cousin Spyro and Whatsherface, respectively. But as her voice actor wept in dark corners and thought back to her better times acting in Tales of Symphonia, where she had the sense to sign up for playing the perfectly legitimate female lead with many positive qualities who ended up getting the guy, the fanboymeters in Cojona labs suddenly started going haywire and blowing smoke, and as the horrified professors rushed to their monitors they saw nothing but the plot directed towards an ominous climax and an evilly snickering Pinata sharing the whose-turn-at-Swirlamagig's-side-is-it spotlight with nobody but a few immaterial side characters... could the legends have been true?
  • Kibble - Guy who seems to have the running theme of dogs about him (owns a dog, Bakamaru, has enhanced sense of smell, can grow fangs, prone to uncontrollable fits of chasing cats, digging in the backyard, pissing in streets). Also has had the misfortune of having Whirly repeatedly fart in his face. Never had any presence in the storyline to begin with and thus is not fading out of the storyline as events progress.
  • Bakamaru - Kibble's dog, with the ability to mimic the look and attacks of his owner and urinate on objects tens of meters away. Never opens his eyes, and has recently been shown to have grown to roughly the size of a baby hippopotamus, which implies frightening things about his new and improved urination abilities. Bakamaru's main characteristic is his usage of dog shampoo. Since this is equally displayed by Whatsherface (and technically even more so), he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.

Enemies abound and Traps Deceive! Will Team 52.8 Survive?[edit]

A team assembled from students in Sausage's year solely because their parents were also in a team, Team 52.8 is noted for somehow coming up with a team strategy despite the fact that their skills seem almost engineered to get in each other's way.

  • Cancer Man, RIP - The former chain-smoking leader of team 52.8 who could impale you on chakra trench knives. Had a scarily prominent beard, which is probably why Shonenai dug him (the weirdo). Cancer man's main characteristics were his strength, ability and general kick-ass tendencies. As this was equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has been rendered obsolete, gradually faded out of the storyline as events progressed and ultimately became the first victim of her swallowing the plot by means of an enemy forcing him into involuntary suicide. This is especially alarming seeing as he had a name, wasn't a part of the ANBU, didn't have a bad ass character design, and was under 60. NO ONE IS SAFE.
  • Chunky "Stay Puff Marshmallow Man" - Fat guy who, to his credit, knows how to take advantage of all the aspects of being a fat guy. His incredible power is to grow even fatter than he is at the moment. In one of his more memorable battles, he demonstrated his ultimate technique by taking the red pill and stepping out of the Matrix, gaining infinite strength and agility in the process while plagiating Turn-Ass Gundam's Moonlight Butterfly move. This was supposed to kill him, but did not because in Cojona, having a name and being under 60 automatically exempts you from death, no matter how ludicrous the circumstances. Chunky's main characteristic are his strength and kind heart. Since these are equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.
  • Shika Shika Boom Boom (Ole' Ole') - A smart guy who is slowly but surely being driven insane in the absence of other smart people within a thirty-mile radius of Cojona. His sole technique is excellent for stalling the enemy and groping, which works out rather well for him considering he's always forced to fight chicks. Could also be used to establish the greatest synchronized dancing team in history. Shika Shika's main characteristic is his intelligence and ability to think ahead. Since this is equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.
  • Miss Piggy - A clone of Whatsherface, except her blondness reaches from the figurative plane and extends into the literal one. Also unlike Whatsherface, she has some character background, and has released no ambiguous romantic-esque Japanese idioms in Swirlamagig's direction. It is generally believed that Miss Piggy's main characteristics are her vanity, 5-year-old tantrums and adoration for Sausage. Since these are equally displayed by Whatsherface, she has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.

The Power of Youth Explodes! It's Team Gay![edit]

  • Mighty Gay- A master tai-chijutsu worker in Cojona and arch-rival of Scarecrow, despite Scarecrow not knowing Gay exists. He specializes in motivating speeches and hyperactive outbursts. Since this is equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.
  • Brock Lee - A perfect miniaturized clone of Gay, Brock Lee is a master of reverse combat psychology- possessing virtually thousands of different moves all of which stand little chance of actually harming the enemy but invariably inflicting severe damage on himself (sometimes to the point of rendering him permanently crippled). Strangely enough, he becomes stronger when drunk. In order to pump up his mysterious backround, Koizumi has added owl-like Eyes to Brock's character design, leading to the question of whether he is possessed by the 15-tailed owl element demon, Owlzilla. If this were true, Would Brock's ultimate Taijutsu art be the ability to completely turn his head 360 degrees in order to look back at Gay for permission to further cripple himself? Only time will tell.

Brock's main characteristics are his physical toughness (though rumors say an old lady is cooking up steroid-laced curry for him) and ability to have extra testosterone in the facial hair department. Since these are... yeah, you know what, these are equally displayed by Whatsherface. Whatsherface just shaves more. Alot more. So he has indeed now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.

  • Spyroji "the White" Colada - A homicidal preacher of Calvinism (this swastika chose ME!), Spyro "the White" Colada is famed for almost killing his cousin, Pinata, during the tuning exam, third stage preliminaries. His name is Singlish for "screw", because he has been known to screw people. As in his childhood everybody was after him and his cursed fate caught up to him time after time, he has gradually attained the same incredible genius and slightly insane spark often found in members of the Jewish people who have been through similar misfortunes, and has consequently developed various fearsome techniques including but not limited to the Hakke Sho Dreidel and Hakke, 613 Mitzvahs. Previously having humiliated him by branding him with a green X (a known Nazi emblem), the bad people who made his life so miserable have thus found themselves ripped asunder crying oy vey. Spyro's main characteristics are his talent, inherent genius and generally being regarded as a prodigy. Since these are equally displayed by Whatsherface, he has now been rendered obsolete and is expected to gradually fade out of the storyline as events progress.
  • 10-10-220 - A long distance service which has claimed to save the person you're calling some cash. You may remember seeing commercials for it with that one old dude from 3rd Rock from the Sun. She has no storyline significance at all other than to bring an X chromosome into the team, and help Spyro be thrown into the lot for shippings. 10-10-220's main, and only, characteristic is to be able to overcompensate by the use of weapons. Though surprisingly this is NOT equally displayed by Whatsherface... does it matter? Her irrelevance transcends the plot itself. Rendering her obsolete, unnoticeable though it would be, would likely drive a rip into the character-plot continuum and inhale the entire fictional world in a whirling vortex of pain, clichéd lines and overdeveloped themes. In short, it would not be pretty, so we just leave her be.
  • Remember, dial 10-10-220, that's 10-10-220, for great savings on long distance calls!

The 3 Ninjas from the Village Hidden in the Sandbox[edit]

  • Baka - The leader and least powerful of the Sandbox team, all he really does is sit back and talk about how well he trained his students, and the fact that they could rape him. He also has a sword made out of wind, which isn't as practical as he made it out to be. He doesn't actually have any plot significance or fans, but is still often subject to much undying hatred for killing off another completely irrelevant yet popular character *cough*, and apparently for no actual reason at all. Nice one... baka.
  • Cigaara - The most powerful of the the 3 Ninjas from the Village Hidden in the Sandbox, Cigaara has a gourd shaped humidor on his back. It smells of blood and cocaine, but pills and coffee beans have been known to drop out on cue when people would say "smuggler". This humidor appears to have band bumper stikers on it for NIN. Cigaara has an ancient Sandslash inside him that even rivals Whirly's Ninetales in power, but only appears when Cigaara is engaged in a death/kill/murder battle. His sand control jutsu works without him even thinking, which is convenient because of the installation of the Grey Matter Ban of 1962, which forbids any Naruto character from forming a logical/unsexual thought. He is also a complete psychopath who has only lived to kill [or rape and kill] people since his father threw a beer bottle at his head when he emerged from the womb. Researchers believe that he has killed over 9000 people already, but no-one has attempted to stop him. In fact, they insist on placing him in fights to the death with other teenagers, which are always stopped before anyone actually gets killed off. He is the only Naruto character who does not yell the name of his attack before performing it, possibly not wanting to draw attention to the accompanying hand gesture that conspicuously ressembles grabbing a woman's breast.
  • Geppetto - Cigaara's older brother. Geppetto received a magic puppet from Scorpion Man from Puppet Land and from that point on he is always trying to find a way to turn his puppet into a real boy. He eventually succeeded, sending the puppet on a long, long journey of trials and tribulations which culminated with both of them escaping from the belly of a giant whale.
  • Fangirl - The final member, eldest sibling and supposedly attractive member of this team, who has recently adopted waitress attire. The only female who didn't seem to suck during the tuning exam (or vice versa if you want to get technical). She seems to have a deep-seated hatred of trees and has taken numerous opportunities to create mass deforestation. Oh and she has a giant fan too, go figure.

The Deadly Sound Five Assassination Squad[edit]

Feared among all the ninja nations, when they're not slitting throats and busting heads they like to sit down and watch Quentin Tarantino films while sipping a white Zinfindel.

  • Black Mamba aka Pied Piper aka The Merry Minstrel aka tayuya -She took a direct bullet to the head by Oscarmaru, miraculous for her she did not die but fell into a coma. Then waking up several seconds later she discovered she now had to wear a retard helmet forever. She ditched her flute for a cool ass katana and made it her life's goal to KILL OSCARMARU!
  • Cottonmouth aka Mr. -Mr. Bonejangles was once a famous Broadway dancer but after taking a can-can kick to the ass began to suffer horrible compound fractures. Unable to dance, he joined the Sound Five Assassination Squad. He also formed a group of dancers who suffered similar can-can related injuries, they are known as the Ill-Tempered 5782. Before he joined the Sound Five Assassination squad he did milk commercials showing how easy bones can break if children do not drink enough calcium. His only regret? Having BONEITIS!
  • Sidewinder aka Crunch and Munch-Sidewinder is Oscarmaru's brother. Crunch and Munch is a complete failure and can't do anything right, that's why he lives in a beat-up old trailer out in the middle of the desert. This is all the information he deserves because he sucks so much.
  • Copperhead aka Ganeshamaru aka Peter Parker-Through twisted genetic experiments with Ganesh DNA found on eBay India Copperhead has six arms. He worked at Benihana's for 7 years, this is where Oscarmaru picked him up. Oscarmaru said he had a special talent, he could shank someone six times at once. Ended up using this talent to shank Whirly's Nazi friend a whole lot, however he just wouldn't die thanks to the Cojona death exemption clause. Spyro finally got fed up, so he first broke all six of Copperhead's arms then emptied an entire can of bug spray into his face.
  • California Mountain Snake aka Ball and Sack-After eating over-irradiated mashed potatoes Ball and his younger brother Sack fused into one person, now they go by Ball sack and wear an eye patch over one of their eyes. Their main talent is dressing in a nurse's uniform and poisoning people while whistling a catchy tune.

The Boys who Wear Purple[edit]

  • Neil Kabutops- The prduct of the soul of an evolved Kabuto shoved into the body of a body under Voldemaru's control, this Doctor's so-called "apparent" "loyalty" to "Voldemaru" is "debatable" given that he "appears" to "betray" Voldemaru at every "turn", or at least "pretend" to, to the "point" where it is "unclear" whether he is a "double agent", "double reverse agent" or perhaps a triple reverse agent plus backflip and nosegrab 720. During the Tuning Exam arc, he explains that he has "failed" the said exam 22 times, making him the only "person" who is more of a "failure" than Whirly.


  • Yoroi - One of Kabutops' fodder-nin who has the amazing ability to suck his enemies' will to live. A half-dead Sausage defeats him by copying a mere 2-hit combo off of somebody else without having ever attempted it before, which explains his reluctance to ever show his face in the series again (declining even a guest-star role in a filler arc, which is ultimately not that unwise of a choice).
  • Misumi- One of Kabutop's interns and fodders who is also afraid to show his face, Mitsuki has the incredi- wait, this guy has no incredible abilities whatsoever, just fodder ones. After gloating in typical fodder fashion about how he could so easily defeat Gepetto in the tuning exams, he is quickly decapitated by his puppet. However, despite popular fanpinion, this does not kill him, and amazingly he does not get faded out of the plot by Whatsherface, either. Instead he lives to fodder again in a filler arc. Can we get a WOW in here? No, we can't.

The Sonic Youth[edit]

3 ninjas (ninjii?) from the village hidden in the garage, who use extreme sound (not music mind you) as their main weapon. They also wear cow-pelts around their necks as... some sort of camouflage, or something.

  • Thurston "snap"-The retard of Sonic Youth, Thurston is a belligerent young dick who would rather get holes drilled in his hands, breaks in his shoulder blades, and insects up said holes before giving up and admitting that he should have accepted a life of poverty. Spoiler: This is exactly what happens. Note that he is no Zaku boy, no Zaku!
  • Kim "crackle"-The uber-fodder of Voldemaru's pawns, Kim fails to provide any backstory at all, but still comes off as being an insufferable feminist. Kim's main attack is to drive her opponents insane with her constant whining about "equal rights" and her only defense appears to be pwning herself before her opponent does it first.
  • Leesu "pop"-Leesu is the oldest member of sonic youth. Not like it's any different than the other members, but Leesu's main attack is to attack the opponent's inner-ear with his guitar that plugs into his amplifier of an arm. Leesu is also one of the many ninja to cover his face. Ironically, he is one of the few who actually doesn't need to wear a mask to hide his shame after losing his first fight (just to look baadaaaassss). During the fight he is gloated at by Fatso Fizzo (Ed Mound) who thinks he can eventually overcome the odds to beat one of Voldemaru's top ninjas just like Willard and Shika-Shika. Fortunately Leesu was just enough above the fodder line to overshadow Ed whose dumbass factor was a catalyst in losing the fight. Unfortunately Leesu did not progress up the significance line enough to avoid getting cancer from Cigarra.
Wow, if leesu here actually needs those bandages, they're probably for hiding his monstrous ugliness!

The Legendary triple trio of three sannin Appear!!! What is their motive??!!![edit]

  • Voldemaru Jackson- He tried to rape one boy, but he couldn´t. This boy retains the mark of the attack upon his forehead neck, and he is known as Harry Potter Smoochiha Sausage, the boy who lived. Voldemaru's goal in life is to collect all 493 jutsumon, and Sausage is the perfect man to help him, for - as the insignia on the back of his T-shirt reveals - he hails from an ancient clan of elite jutsumon trainers. Now, he wages his twisted war on the citizens of Cojona, Ninjas and Muggles alike.
  • Froglicker - An old man very, very, very addicted to porn. Possibly the owner of Playboy. At one point after Whirly hunted him down in the red-light district, he taught Whirly to summon giant frogs, a technique that was so absolutely useless and ridiculous that it could be only used successfully in one sitation before being quickly forgotten by the Naruto faithful - like the majority of Whirly's attacks.
  • Pamela Anderson- An actual Hooker. Uses special Jutsu to make herself look younger. She is an expert user of Smashy Smashy no Jutsu, Big Booby jutsu, and Plot no Jutsu. She is also known as the Legendary Sucker. We shall let you interpret that how you will.
Note: Since it may be unclear from their name, it should be noted that the legendary triple trio of three sannin are, in fact, three people.

Dolphin Dude[edit]

A key character whose parents were killed during the Ninetales' terrible rampage. What? Really, he is important. Granted, he's a terrible ninja, and he hasn't done anything of any importance for as long as anybody can remember... but... he's... uh, a teacher! And what could possibly be cooler than that?

That Man[edit]

The logical Laws of The Excluded Middle and Noncontradiction do not apply in Swirlamagigian Propositional Calculus.

That Man, born in That Day and also known by the alias This Guy or That Person, is well-known among ninja of the world for developing That Jutsu and his key role in That Incident. He is the unsung inventor of the catchphrases "THIS IS THE END!" (must be shouted when both battling shinobi have not yet exhausted even a half of their repository of freak genetic abilities, absolute defenses and trump cards) and "...IF I DO THAT I WILL SURELY.... DIE!" (a statement so powerful as to twist the very fabric of time and space to ensure that whatever it is that will soon be done, no matter how suicidal, will produce no ill effects).

Though their names are similar, That Man should not be confused with That Man who is That Man but is not really That Man (see picture).

The ANBU[edit]

The ANBU... Well, if you're familiar with that old saying about life where one day you're the fly, one day you're the windshield, these are the guys who never get to be the windshield. The NPCs of the RPG that is Cojona, they die in such awe-inspiring frequency and randomness as to give rise to theories of them actually being stick figures from the demented cartoon movie who have wandered into Cojona via an interdimensional crossover rift and subsequently recruited en masse to serve the crucial role of Cojonian cannon fodder. Another theroy involves Lord Voldemort cursing them forever. Not far from the largish stone bearing the names of Cojonians who have fallen in combat there exists a rumoured ten-mile-high obelisk which just barely contains the names of the ANBU fallen in battle in very fine print; the ANBU put in charge of recording the names often complain that they are having difficulties keeping up. They also often plunge to their unceremonious deaths.

The ANBU vs. Katon Jutsu Problem[edit]

A longstanding issue in ninja science stems from a thought experiment in which a regular ninja attacks an ANBU by using a fire-based technique. By definition, the ANBU cannot withstand any form of attack without being wasted immediately; on the other hand, a fire-type technique by definition results in nothing but a thick cloud of smoke which slowly disappears for the sake of suspense (has the target got away using speed? A replacement technique? Fire immunity? Instant transmission?). It has been mathematically proven that if in these circumstances the ANBU member actually survives then P=NP and the Riemann Hypothesis is false.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!! And The Tale of the Notable Episodes[edit]

  • Episode 001-0029 - Nothing of any importance
  • Episode 030 - Lord Voldemort, the series villain, appears, places a cursed plot device (a cursed hickey of eternal peril) on Sausage's neck and promptly disappears.
  • Episode 031 - Flashback to Lord Voldemort using the cursed plot device.
  • Episode 032 - Whatserface finally gets her fifteen minutes of glory. In a rather short time-frame she manages to conjure useless illusory clones, be hit by numerous shuriken, bite on a sound-tard's arm, get hit in the head repeatedly and receive a self-inflicted bad haircut. All in all not one of her better days.
  • Episode 033 - Flashback to Whatsherface fighting with another girl.
  • Episode 040 - Thurston attempts an inspirational flashback, which backfires when he doesn't notice Willard is filling the big l' holes in his arms with rats.
  • Episode 042 - We discover that Whatsherface and Miss Piggy were best friends until they both crushed on Sausage, which is a true testimony to their depth of character. They fight and somehow end up both losing (huh?) despite the fact that Piggy can actually pull techniques beside sucky replications.
  • Episode 043-045 - Repeated flashbacks to Ms. Piggy and Kermit the Frog's past lovelives.
  • Episode 046 - Spyro "the White" Colada makes a laughingstock of his Counsin's Pinata's nonexistent fighting ability, proceeding to almost kill her in a fit of rage because she points out that maybe he should see a shrink. What he doesn't take into account is that attempted second-degree murder of poor, adorable, stuttering little girls does not tend to win you popularity points in general, least of all with Whirly, who undertakes a blood oath to shut him up for humanity's sake.
  • Episode 047 - Another flashback.
  • Episode 048 - Lee gives a sound demonstration of the utter uselessness of taijutsu.
  • Episode 049 - Another pointless flashback to Bruce Lee punching a tree.
  • Episode 051 - After matches full of tragedy, inspiration, and foreboding secret the Tuning Exam prelims end on a humourous note when Leesu beats Chunky with one hit.
  • Episode 053 - An old, drunk, perverted man appears, who decides to teach Whirly how to summon gigantic frogs, then lick them.
  • Episode 062 - Whirly FINALLY shuts Spyro up. And there was much rejoicing. He doesn't even attempt to use the froggy-no jutsu that he just spent months learning in preparation for the battle, instead opting for the highly technical "punch'em in the face". Whatsherface shows jealousy because Whirly can take more hits to the head than her.
  • Episode 067 - Sausage reveals his ultimate technique: A straight thrust crackling with bright electricity that has to be charged and run through fifty feet away and makes the sound equivalent to that of a thousand birds chirping simultaneously. Scarecrow explains that this move is supposed to be used for assassination, which makes sense as long as your target is blind, deaf and stands perfectly still (which, ironically is just what Cigarra's main attack consists of). But hey, then again, if he manages to catch Hibachi standing perfectly still, that's two out of three.
  • Episode 072 - Flashback.
  • Episode 079 - In a final showdown between the wise old-teacher Obi-Wan Kenobi Wilmer Valderaama Albus Dumbledore Jesus Sandaime Hokage Numbuh Three, and her incredibly powerful, corrupt student Darth Vader Severus Snape Orochimaru Judas Iscariot Lord Voldemort, the former sacrifices her soul for the noble cause of temporarily disabling the latter's hands, thus dooming it to eternal limbo of playing hot hands with hostile disembodied arms within the belly of the death god. Whirly remembers he can summon a Senior Frog's franchise, serves an abnormally large amount of spit and bans Cigarra.
  • Episode 081 - Only about 80 episodes after hearing about him, we finally meet Sausage's highly superior in all regards brother, Hibachi. He kicks Sausage's ass and promptly disappears. Sausage begins to go mad with lust for... Well, power, says the official statement released by the Smoochiha Sausage Stand Corporation Associated Press shortly afterwards, though other interpretations have been suggested.
  • Episode 082 - Another flashback to Hibachi.
  • Episode 093 - Whirly is run over by an old man in his SUV. Or at least we can wish.
  • Episode 101 - In stark contrast to the series' absurd, ridiculous and lightheaded tone, this bleak episode explores the dark secret behind scarecrow's mask and its ties to three horrendously demented people, stalking Team 26.2 from the shadows. The candles of hope slowly wither as the veil of hiccuping powder descends...
  • Episode 107 - Whirly fights Sausage. No, seriously.
  • Episode 109 - Sausage leaves Conoga, vastly reinforcing rumours of his homosexuality by not taking advantage of Whatsherface even after she declares that she would "do whatever it takes to make him happy." Instead he opts to thank her and promptly knocks her out. Way to go, Sausage. Real smooth.
  • Episode 110-130 - The Sound Five Assanation Squad is introduced and then promptly killed off.
  • Episode 133 - If you've ever watched even one Naruto AMV on YouTube, it's 97% certain you already know what this episode's about.
  • Episode 134 - Sausage's decision to defect to Lord Voldemort, in all its irreversible and tragic glory, finally sinks in, as many tears are shed. Not for Sausage and Whirly's friendship but for the final farewell of legitimate plot and the dawn of the wicked reign of... The Fillers.
  • Episode 136 - Whatsherface has another go at the spotlight and the result is Whirly almost being shrunk to death inside a psychadelic d4. She decides that she's had enough of this and storms to Koizumi's house, fuming with anger, demanding that drastic changes be made to her contract OR ELSE.
  • Episode 142 - Filler! Dolphin Dude's Nemesis? ... Mid-boss is Back! - Mid-boss, the bad dude from the very first episode, is back, has a prison gym body and is after Dolphin Dude! When Mid-boss undergoes yet another transformation to reveal his terrifying final form as Tony the Tiger, does Dolphin Dude have enough character depth to prevail against his ultimate attack, Frosted Flake Pandemonium? Watch it, It's Gr-r-reat!
  • Episode 151 - Pinata Colada utterly screws up a bug retrieval mission by getting kidnapped and is thought dead until suddenly, Sailor Pinata appears on the scene, rights wrongs and triumphs over evil. Then promptly disappears for what is probably going to be another 90 episodes. This episode features **LASERS**
  • Episode 153 - Whirly goes off with team Gay on the critical mission of demonstrating the moral superiority of cooking biohazard curry over being involved in creepy organizations that bury people alive. Spyro Colada's advanced genetic ability, the secret of which his father died to protect, is then pwned by a paraplegic kid in a backpack.
  • Episode 161 - Wandering through one of those interdimensional rifts between the real and Naruto worlds so common at, a pair of really awful Lee and Gai cosplayers appear in the village and are forced to to clean up slug feces foul enough to disgust mountains.
  • Episode 169 - Fans all over the world raise their hopes at the possibility of "Good Filler," including some that escaped from mental hospitals calling it the Anko Gaiden. Most of the excitement came from the reappearence of Luffy and Absorber-Zoro. Mass suicide occur as the arc turns to mermaids that rival Mid-boss the Tiger.
  • Episode 178 - Whirly demonstrates his newest technique, whereby he turns into a rock.
  • Episode 185 - Whirly discovers the 587th Pokemon, Onbaa.
  • Episode 186 - Bugmenot and Whirly go out to prevent a man from laughing. Bugmenot gets tricked into eating Extacy Rice, which makes him laugh the entire episode. Nothing else happens.
  • Episode 191 - Whirly promptly refuses living together with a beautiful, full grown-up and rich princess. Smart one.
  • Episode 220 - If a filler season ends and nobody is there to watch it, does it still suck? A philosophical question pondered by many, as Swirlamagig returned to his adventures of filling in as the main character during Sausage's absence. Then promptly dismissed as people gave each other shifty glares, growing increasingly convinced that the last few dozen episodes couldn't have possibly happened in reality, and thus must have been nothing more than their own imaginations playing cruel, cruel tricks on them. Notably, Beethoven's 5th symphony does not randomly start playing, and the final twist does not turn out to be that Alchemy is possible because of massive casualties in a world war going on in a parallel universe.

The Moral of The Story[edit]

Warning: Accepting these conclusions will probably be what the sinister higher-ups of the Japanese military were planning all along when they commissioned Koizumi with making this anime.

  • Every single problem can be solved with violence and emotional flashbacks.
  • You must always tell your enemy what your super secret technique is going to do to them.
  • In order to do a technique, you must always announce it in a very loud and clear voice.
  • Do not call a fat kid "fat". He might have steroids that can give him butterfly wings.
  • The most efficient way to carry out covert operations is by being dressed in bright colors and running around on trees.
  • Projectiles of any sort are useless. There is no such thing as firearms.
  • Falling from ridiculous heights at terminal velocity has no ill effects.
  • When pressed into a corner, close your eyes and have a flashback.
  • Don't use anything that will gruesomely kill someone in one hit. They are likely to turn into a log/mud puddle/water puddle/etc. and appear somewhere else.
  • Child abuse and training are the same thing.
  • Fire is ABSOLUTELY HARMLESS. Yes, even to grass, ice, bug and steel-type people.
  • Dolls, gigantic fans, flutes, sand and pieces of paper that explode make very good weapons.
  • You are helpless to turn the tables on an opponent as long as the cool music doesn't come on.
  • On the flip side, your instincts and ability to put up any sort of fight are immediately nullified the moment the scary music comes on. If you hear Lord Voldemort's ~fight~ theme (essentially Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor on steroids) you're SCREWED.
  • It is common sense to send twelve year olds to do battle against professional terrorists.
  • Crushes NEVER go away on their own. And you MUST have one or you're not a complete human being. Pine, you pitiful Americans, pine.
  • You are powerless to make any difference without a tragic childhood to fuel your anger.
  • Never trust your family members, no matter how nice they seem. They are either 1: There to oppress and traumatise you, 2: There to go on killing sprees which may or may not include you, 3: Dead or 4: Any combination of the above.
  • "Death" is merely a temporary condition of quantum superposition where it is unknown whether you are dead or not until finally a watcher collapses the wave function and you turn out to be alive after all. Exceptions are rare.
  • Some things are just better with holes in them. Pipes, for example. And cheese. And plot.
  • Ninja battles are the #1 cause of deforestation.
  • 90% of the world's wars, death and property damage are due to overgrown traumatized children becoming crazy supervillains and could be pre-emptively nullified by counseling.
  • Don't run away or go back on your word. It's your ninja way of life... haha, sucker.
  • Ninja's wear orange, so they can camouflage within the green forest.

See also[edit]

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