User:Ggarfield/A Series of UnUnfornicate Events

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Book the First, The Booty-lishous Beginning[edit]


"Oooooooh! AHHHH, yetch, umph!"

Krout grimaced, and hurried along down the hall towards the kitchen. He had heard this twice before, but this was the first time it almost sounded mutual. Klaus could not even bear to think of it, so he put it out of his mind as he stepped into the horridly grimy kitchen. There, his baby sister "Chomp" was gnawing on an empty crack-cocaine vial, and banging a wooden spoon on the floor.

"I know things seem pretty bad right now Chomp," said Krout, "But it will get better. We will find a way to get out of here and we will all go and live with a happy family."

"yea rite muta fucka, we'sa gointa be a-livin by owselves by tha sound-o tha shit!", said Chomp.

Chomp, like most babies her age still used a language of minced nonsense words and expression she had picked up off the street. Fortunately Krout knew exactly what she was saying. It translated to something like, "I'm not entirely convinced we can take Vagoletta with us."

"Whoooah! Yeeeesh! OHHH!", more noises came drifting from upstairs.

Krout sighed. He knew his sister Crunch could be right. Ever since Countess Ola had take to "personally tutoring" Vagoletta, there chances for escape together had grown slim. He was simply going to have to stop reading Playboy and Maxim magazines and read something useful.


As Vagoletta sat in her slip looking out the window at the darkening evening sky, she couldn't help but recall the last hour she had spent with the Countess. At first, she had told her self that it was vicious child abuse. How could her own guardian be so cruel? But soon she had almost started to enjoy the time she spent conversing with the Countess. After all, Vagoletta realized, hadn't she been the one that had flaunted her stuff by wearing tight tank tops and sweaters? Vagoletta could even recall a time when she had purposefully left one of her electric inventions on the Countess' table.

So what? Vagoletta still thought it was pretty presumptive the way the Countess had just invited her up to the room that one day. However, Vagoletta couldn't deny that she liked. She shivered a little, part from the cold and part from the realization that she might be slut. Vagoletta wrapped a blanket tightly around her shoulders and let out a little sigh.


Krout awoke early to the sound of hookers being shot outside his window. He yawned, stretched, and reached for a copy of "Jungle Adventures" for a little light reading before he made breakfast. After his morning routine, Krout got dressed and went downstairs to get his morning chore list.

Countess Ola sat at the kitchen table sipping Lavender tea and fiddling with her gray cap. Krout winced when he saw her, because he hated dikes, even dikes as hot as Countess Ola. If she would only slip into a small dress and stop eating his sister, he thought she would maybe be an ok guardian. But no, today Ola looked like a chimney boy. complete with gray baggy trousers. Krout feared it was one of her weird fetishes, or worse, one of Vagoletta's.

"Krooout", Ola sang out, "I need you to clean that filthy kitchen up, and when your done would you be a dear and wash yesterday's clothes. Oh, and don't forget the dishes, they're in the sink."

Krout groaned, he knew what "dishes" meant, and it wasn't fun. He got his sister Chomp dressed, fed her some growth hormones, and headed to the kitchen. Then he remembered that he hadn't seen Vagoletta all morning. He rushed upstairs to her room, and without knocking, entered.


What he saw made his stomach turn over. Or did it? He hadn't ever seen two "real" girls naked before even if one was his sister. He could have done without the guy though. That was just gross. He was utterly taken, however, by the blonde who had her face on his sister bosom. He hadn't noticed Vagoletta had such big breasts until now. Ugh, he simply must not think things like that.

Vagoletta fixed Krout with a look of surprise. "I'm sorry Krout," she said, "I don't know what came over me."

"Umm," stammered Krout, "Breakfast is, err, ready?"

At this point the two people on his sister looked up. "Hello," said the man situated most conveniently on top of Vagoletta, "I'm Durk Quagmember. I, err, met your sister in class last week."

"Me too," said the blond,"I'm his sister, Isiwhora."

"Umm, pleasure," said Krout, still a bit distracted by the blonde.

"Well don't be a party pooper," said Vagoletta, "Take your pants off. I can see your dying too."

"Umm," said Krout.

"Don't worry," said Isawhora, "If it is your first time, I'll be glad to go solo on you."


Chomp sat on the kitchen floor chewing up some old porn magazines Krout had left there. Why did her guardian have to choose now of all times to go lingerie shopping? She could swear there was an orgy going on upstairs. Chomp wasn't sure what exactly an orgy was, but she guessed it was probably illegal and involved monkeys. She resolved to get a spoon, sharpen it with her teeth, and crawl upstairs to find out.

Although Chomp had learned a lot during her 2 weeks with the Greg Daniels street Gang, it was of little use to her in this instance. She didn't want to kill her siblings, just the other freaks and the monkeys, but she wouldn't be able to spoon throw less her aim was off. She was going to have to street fight them with one big spoon.

Chomp finally found a serving spoon, and sharpened it to a razor point. She hacked the tail off a rat to be sure. Yep, this would do. Chomp then set out for the two out crawl up the spiral staircase. She just hopped the traffic wasn't too bad today.


Countess Ola arrived home to hear the joyous noise of initiation, a word which here means that someone was loosing something. She could tell that there was a lot going on, she wasted no time, quickly making her way to the stairs. She quickly dashed up them, but did not notice as she kicked the baby back down the stairs.

"I eehz gonna keel yo foo ass hiney u fukin moron!," said Chomp, and expression that meant something like, "You'd better be glad Mr. Poe took my Beretta 6.5 mm pocket pistol away before he left us here."