“I watch the Michigan Wolverines on the radio all the time.”
The University of Michigan is an institute of higher learning located in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Currently, it is the only part left of the former state of Michigan still under United Spades control after the Nike Revolution of 2006.
The University of Michigan was founded in Detroit in 1817. During the Detroit potato famine of 1845, the University searched for a new home and chose Ann Arbor, named after a well known whore that had wandered down from her home in East Lansing.
Ground was broken on the University's first building, Angell Hall, in 1847. That was also the year in which the university first admitted students not of the Albigensian faith. Building of the university continued at a fast pace until 1863, when the University was razed to the ground by Confederate troops under Nathan Bedford Forrest.
Rebuilding the University took the better part of 50 years, during which time programs were added in mathematics, Slovakian studies, and fingerpainting. During this time, it became known as the "Harvard of the Midwest." Interestingly, Harvard became known as the "Michigan of the East" at the same time.
After a recruiting scandal that was adjudicated by the Supreme Court in the case Gratz v. Bollinger, the University announced in 2004 that it is vacating all academic records from 1984 to 2000. As a result of this self-imposed sanction, the university was forced to remove three Nobel Prize and two Rhodes Scholar banners from the rafters at Crisler Arena.
In 1974 it was learned that the city of Ann Arbor never provided the University with the mule that it had been promised in return for the university's relocation to the city. In retaliation, the University unleashed a plague of couches placed on porches and expensive coffee shops that continues to this day. The University also dropped the mule as its official mascot and replaced it with alumnus Arthur Miller's favorite X-Man, the Wolverine.
During the Nike Revolution of 2006, the University was occupied for a brief period by the New Michigan Red Army. However, much like in the movie Red Dawn, students launched a guerrilla campaign to expel the enemy troops, using the nickname "Wolverines". This proved successful, however, the rest of Michigan remains under the control of the New Michigan Communists. Because of the tension between New Michigan and the University of Michigan, the Michigan Wall was erected on the border.
As a result of this outcome, much changed at the University. During student efforts in containing New Michigan forces, the Michigan Student Assembly assumed all administrative power at the University. Their current president is Peer, who has led the charge to support Proposal K, the Peer-to-Peer File Sharing Amendment (which will legalize all types of file sharing at Michigan).
The former administration still exists, but in a role similar to that of the monarch in a constitutional monarchy. Currently, the administrative president is the Mary-Sue character, the official currency is the Entrée Plus Dollar (EP$, exchange rate: EP$ 1 = US$ 1), and the official word is "diversity."
Special rules and regulations
It is obligatory for every student at U-M to invent at least one activist campaign "to better the public good". This requirement was created in 2003, supposedly to "better the public good", but has in fact caused a number of weird, dumb, or just plain silly student campaigns. They include Students for Michigan, By Any Means Necessary, an insane number of student political groups, Students Against Britney Spears, the Justice League of Turnpike Toll Collectors, and the Student Apathy League (which since its inception in 1963 has not actually had a meeting). Additionally, the University of Michigan was formerly known for the massive number of affirmative actions which took place on campus. In fact, due to U-M's role in defending affirmative actions in the Supreme Court, Ann Arbor was known as the "Affirmative Action Capital of the World". The passage of the MCRI has now changed this - affirmative action is now punishable by death by being run over by a rental car. However, certain university groups are planning airstrikes on the Supreme Court to get affirmative action back. Until recently, the University of Michigan was a dry campus (that is, no Coca-Cola allowed, period). This is because in 2006 the University, under pressure from RC groups (those who favor RC Cola), banned all Coca-Cola products from campus.
Layout of the Campus
The majority of the University's academic programs are located on Central Campus. Landmarks on Central Campus include Burton Tower, the university's first attempt at constructing the world's most phallic building, and the Diag, where world-renowned harmonica player Zell Miller plies his trade. Visitors are attracted to the Exhibit Museum, which displays 3,000 year old dinosaur fossils, and the U of M art museum, where the works of the university's greatest fingerpainting graduates are stored.
All electricity for Central Campus is produced by the President spinning a rotating sculpture known as "the Cube" every morning. This has been officially denied, therefore it must be true.
Some notable buildings on Central Campus include:
- Fleming Administration Building: The one building which students CAN NOT go into, the Phlegm Administration Building is where the University conducts its super secret business. This is where the Ghostbusters have their campus office (some of the old dorms have ghost problems), as well as the FBI, CIA, and Men in Black.
- Michigan Union: This is the "U-M Greatest Hits" building. You get some food places, a couple of cool rooms, and a few offices - all of which have, in recent years, become hot spots for hot sex between anyone who's feeling up to it. Additionally, on the third floor of the Union is the Michigan Student Assembly Chambers, where the Michigan Student Assembly administers the University. They make plenty of Michigan Daily headlines in the process, though the Daily rarely has anything to really write about.
- Michigan League: Slightly different from the Michigan Union, but not hugely. The biggest difference is that it used to have a Tim Horton's. It originally was the Girls Edition of the Michigan Union back when the Union had a "No Girls Allowed" rule. It is now the hangout for most of the campus's conservatives.
- Angell Hall: The biggest of four connected halls (Angell, Haven, Mason, and Tisch). Angell Hall contains several classrooms, the world-famous Lettered Auditoriums, the Perlman Honors Commons (about which not much is known, as the only people to go in there without getting flogged are Honors students, and they're not talking), and U-M's secondary, indoor football stadium, the Fish Bowl.
After Burton Tower lost the 1964 Pritzker Prize for Most Accurate Phallus to the Ypsilanti Water Tower, the university purchased a tract of land about one mile northeast of Central Campus in order to make a new attempt at winning that prestigious prize. Leaving no detail to chance, Lurie Tower was constructed with a visible urethra and two small towers at its base to simulate testicles. Lurie Tower was more successful than Burton Tower and was awarded the 1987 Most Accurate Phallus Prize.
Once Lurie Tower was constructed, there was plenty of room left on North Campus for the university to use for other nefarious projects. In 1983, the University announced that North Campus would be converted into an experimental prison for engineers. The belief was that, if isolated from society at large, engineers would develop into a race with superhuman scientific activity, capable of making intelligent design theory seem coherent and finally determining the true value of pi. The experiment was unsuccessful, mainly because engineers have always isolated themselves from society at large even without coercion, and thus the engineers imprisoned on North Campus behaved no differently than engineers allowed to roam the world freely. The only lasting effect of this experiment is that the Faculty of Engineering is rated first in U.S. News & World Report's annual ranking of engineering schools in the category of "Least Capable of Engaging In Non-Technical Conversation."
Some notable buildings on North Campus include:
- Pierpont Commons: Think of it as the "Michigan Union Lite." Pierpont Commons has less room than the Union and only Chinese food (Panda Express - not even a full-size Panda!). As with other "lite" products, it is advisable to just go with the full-blown version.
- Duderstadt Center: Formerly the Media Union, the Duderstadt Center assumed its present name as a result of being purchased by the Federal Republic of Germany. It is now a German exclave on the U-M campus, and as such German is the official language, the euro is the official currency, and German law applies (so leave your Nazi stuff in your dorm, or else!) German majors often come here to practice their German, as well as to participate in study abroad programs on the cheap (though they naively don't know that "Duderstadt" is actually located on campus and NOT in Europe). There is also lots of computers here for student use - as the Germans are all into technical stuff.
- EECS Building: Home of the world-renowned HKN Donut Stand, the only place in the United States to sell Euroipods. The HKN Donut Stand is essentially the only reason to go into the EECS Building, as the rest of the building contains the offices of dangerous exiled faculty.
The University of Michigan is a member of the Big Ten Athletic Conference, which as of 2004 has 457 members, the third-most of any NCAA conference. The university's student-athletes are its brightest and most academically oriented students, maintaining a four-year graduation rate of 100% and a 0.8 grade-point average.
The chief landmark of the Athletic Campus is "The Big House," which has more seating than any other college football stadium in the world. The stadium maintains this distinction by decreasing the amount of space available for spectators as other college stadiums increase their capacity; in order to maintain its present capacity of 107,501,000, the average spectator receives a portion of bench approximate 23 centimeters wide, and is required to have at least one other spectator sitting on his or her lap. The chief rivals in athletics are the Ohio State Buckeyes, which have lost the series over 80 times. On December 16th, 2007 Michigan hired Rich Rodriguez as head football coach. With any luck, he won't suck.
After football, the most popular sport at the University was hockey until the start of the NCAA lockout in 2004. Because of the lockout, Yost Ice Arena was converted into a curling venue. The crowd at Yost Ice Arena is notorious for its bawdy curling chants, such as the notorious "C-ya" chant recited whenever a rock wrecks on a center guard.
The University of Michigan has 23 residence halls. They are not "dorms," they are "residence halls." Anyone calling the residence halls "dorms" is guilty under University regulations of a misdemeanor and are subject to either a $500 fine or have to wear Ohio State clothes for an entire day. (Most students choose to pony up the $500.)
Residence halls vary widely, from the elegant suites of Baits Houses, where three-course meals are served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, to the sardine-packed Markley Hall, where students often have to sleep standing up for lack of room on the floor. Some residence halls have "themes" to them as well, such as East Quad's "hippie" theme. About the only residence hall that's anywhere near normal is North Quad, but only because it hasn't been built yet.
The residence halls are run by the aptly (if uncreatively) named Residence Halls Association (RHA). Members of the RHA tend to refer to their residence halls by their full name. For example, the RHA would call Baits housing "Vera Baits I" or "Vera Baits II." Members of the RHA tend to get assigned to committees with acronyms such as "BOSS," "NBC", etc. While that's all well and good for making their friends that go to State think you're important, all you're really doing is heading up the committee for keeping track of time at RHA meetings.
RHA members tend to go beserk when hearing the word that isn't supposed to refer to the residence halls. (Hint: It's four letters, starts with "D," ends in "-orm") They will attempt to kill anyone saying that particular word anywhere near them, and they tend to succeed. We think it's a hypnotic response.
As the chief governing body of the University, the Michigan Student Assembly is known throughout the world for the moral authority that underlies the resolutions it passes. Its 2005 resolution in favor of divestment from Israel directly led to the collapse of that nation's economy and its conquest by radical Shiite clerics. Another resolution by one of the major political parties led to the university abandoning its policy of race-conscious admissions. This resolution had the effect predicted by its supporters; minority applications and enrollment both increased by almost 50%.
Also, after a 2006 resolution condemning Iran's remarks on its nuclear program, the President of Iran responded with great fear, saying "Due to pressure from the Michigan Student Assembly, I have no choice but to discontinue my nuclear program." Additionally, another resolution passed by MSA against the war in Iraq resulted in Bush immediately withdrawing all troops - when asked about it, he replied "The MSA made me do it." (On a side note, this resolution took 2 days to pass, since the Assembly kept losing its razor-thin quorum when people went to the bathroom.) Finally, MSA also single-handedly raised the minimum wage in the state of Michigan with its "Raise the Wage" resolution.
However, the MSA is most famous for one thing and one thing only - starting the Nike Revolution. In fact, the MSA Chambers are considered an Official United States Historical Site for being the "Birthplace of the Nike Revolution". It has, however, also been known for its valiant efforts to solve world peace - which has led to several Third World nations, notably Nigeria, asking for MSA's help in recovering the lost money of an otherwise-poor Nigerian prince.
Despite all this, most students don't give a toss what the MSA does, and think that it won't have any bearing on reality. Their loss.
An annual tradition at Michigan is the "Naked Mile," in which retiring professors run from East Quad to the Michigan Union completely unclothed to celebrate the end of their final term at the university. The Naked Mile has never been recorded by Internet pornographers, who stay away despite being repeatedly invited to come and film the event by university administration.
Another yearly tradition is the "University of Michigan Dance Dance Revolution Marathon" (UMDDRM). In the UMDDRM, students, faculty, and staff (even the Mary-Sue character) play Dance Dance Revolution for 30 hours straight, only stopping to start new games or reset the PlayStation. This event is used as a way to raise money for charitable causes, though the "Quit Making Fools Out Of Yourselves Society" is usually left off the list.
The most famous student society at the University of Michigan is "The Society Formerly Known as Michigamua" (TSFKAM). As the name suggests, the society was formerly known as Michigamua, which was the cause of much controversy among astronauts (who found that the "mua" in Michigamua stood for Murdering Unsuspecting Astronauts). As a result, NASA protested the existance of the organization, and in 2000 staged a mission to Michigamua's tipi behind the Media Union (now Duderstadt Center). They uncovered evidence of Michigamua murdering unsuspecting astronauts, possibly after their 1989 agreement to stop doing so, and Michigamua was forced to hide in a dorm room in Baits II for 6 years straight. During the 6 years, members did nothing but sing "Kum Ba Yah" and do the tomahawk chop repeatedly. However, before the outbreak of the Nike Revolution of 2006 Michigamua agreed to go public (their stock can now be bought on NASDAQ), cease any murdering of unsuspecting astronauts, and change their name to TSFKAM - thus making themselves more acceptable to the student body at large.
There are a few more activities scattered around campus, but nothing really worth mentioning. The highlight of them all is a group that chases squirrels. Honestly, you'd think they'd have something better to do.
- Tom Brady
- Ann Coulter
- Ann B. Davis
- Kevin Garnett
- Eric Lindros
- Lucy Liu
- That Crazy Guy Who Hates the Pledge of Allegiance
- The Unabomber
- Raoul Wallenberg
- The Mummy Ted Johnson
The Society Formerly Known as Michigamua (TSFKAM) - the second most infamous group on campus