User:Joe9320/The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“A train? In my Zelda game? What the fuck?”

~ Zelda series purist on The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
This engine came from Phantom Hourglass.
Developer Untendo
Release Date 1987
Genre Adventure
Platforms Nintendo DS
Rating 10 "It has a train!"
Would Amy Rose play it? A train? In Zelda? WTF?

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (ゼルダの伝説 大地の汽笛 Zai'erda no Densetsu: Dadi no Al-Qaeda , lit. "The Legend of Zelda: Whistle of Earthly Trainwrecks"), is the sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and is set 100 years after the vents in that game. Developed by Nintendo for the Nintendo DS, it is part of The Legend O'Zelda series. The game was given a Why didn't anyone think of that before?! award for bringing the Zelda storyline to the Steam Age.

Like its predecessor, Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks uses the same cartoon-like action as The Wind Waker, and the CEO Satoru Iwata called it "the most biggest transition of all time" when they include a train during the Nintendo States of America and Nintendo Union joint conference in Munich, Germany[1].


Link was ready for the ceremony for getting an engineer's certificate for riding a steam train. They were off to see Zelda, but as Link brings Zelda out of the castle secretly, her body was taken away by Coal and Burn so that Mallard would rise from Hell, enter Zelda's body and rule evil. To do that requires Zelda's body, but the memories of her broken relations and scandals destroyed the tracks. To prevent that from happening Link and Zelda, who is now a fucking ghost (JESUS CHRIST IT'S A GHOST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY HAUNT US!) have to restore the tracks by preventing any bad memories of train wrecks such as scandals, drug use and violence by the King that occured to her. After Link received a flute that plays any music, they went to the Tower of Spirits, where they meet a train named Anjean and told them to go and get the Japanese rail map that will restore the tracks around the Japanese Realm [2]. They were given a train known as the Shinkansen.

As they continue suppressing Zelda's train wrecks and restoring the train tracks, they met different kinds of races and creatures, and they met other trains. Link and Zelda then went to the trading post to meet the grandson of the chronic masturbator, Linebeck III. Zelda also discovered that while she is a ghost, she can enter suits of armour called Phantoms. When they restored all power to the Tower of Spirits, and suppressed all of Zelda's train wrecks, they got the Bow of Light, whcih is the only weapon capable of destroying the Mallard and the Compass of Light, in which they can find the Death Train. By the time they got to the North Korean Realm [3], the Mallard had already entered Zelda's body. Zelda finally re-entered her body and discovered the Mallard's weak spot: the arse. Link and Zelda finally destroyed the Mallard, and the trains go to heaven. And later, Link and Zelda get married and had sex.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks.


“OK, so THAT'S the bullet train. Looks nothing like that much, better keep on moving... oh shit, there's a flying elephant chicken thingy, better toot the horn.”

~ Link

Like Phantom Hourglass, Spirit Tracks uses the Nintendo DS touch screen, is rendered in 3D in the style of Animal Crossing and there was massive lawsuits as one developer sued another (both are the same ones that developed [4]. But unlike Phantom Hourglass, the new gameplay revolves having Link travel around a high-speed train known as the Shinkansen to get around and to get to places like dungeons, towns and temples. The game utilises the same touchscreen mechanism as Phantom Hourglass, and the player uses the touchscreen to make Link move, to feel him up, to have him hit Zelda with a whip or boomerang, to play minigames or to solve puzzles. The top screen is used for the map, and it can also be sent to the touchscreen to make notes, to vandalise it or to draw penises. The map can transform into a 14-foot screen if needed. Boss battles uses the top screen and touchscreen, and sometimes, your TV screen as well as your neighbour's TV screen to generate audiences to watch your boss battle. The player can even have Link molest Zelda in Phantom form by hitting her with a weapon chosen on the top right screen.

Sword movements can be made by drawing circles or a straight line on the touchscren, but sometimes it can cause Link to feel stoned or have Link to touch in a way or in a place that make them feel uncomfortable. The overworld is set in four places called realms: The Japan Realm (Forest Realm), the South Korean Realm (Ocean Realm), the Himalayan Realm (Snow Realm), the Hawaii Realm (Fire Realm), the Egyptian Realm (Sand Realm) and the North Korean Realm (Dark Realm). The distance, combined with the train's speed, made people so bored to death when they travel between places. But to prevent boredom, Nintendo's R&D Unit added evil trains (known as the Bullet Train) to scare people into getting out of trouble, and enemies that destroy the train, steal your cargo and rape Link.

Spirit Tracks takes advantage of every feature of the Nintendo DS like Phantom Hourglass, bar the buttons, which the only feature they are capable of is flipping the map to draw penises or open up the menu, which is pretty useless as there is already a menu bottom on the touchscreen. The flute is needed to be played by blowing onto the microphone as if it was a blowjob, and the flute is designed to resemble a bunch of penises attached together. Songs that can be played include ones that can make Link masturbate, ones that can wake up statues by telling them the nearest brothel or treasure chest and ones that call up birds to touch Link inappropiately.


“You get four Links, lots of floating triangles and some Phantoms, and you get a multiplayer of diarrhoea!”

~ AVGN on Multiplayer

The Multiplayer mode is the illegitimate twin of the aborted fetus known as Four Swords DS. The developers took the game and made it into the multiplayer mode for this game. However, they were lazy in the design so they borrowed it off Phantom Hourglass and added walking pieces of scrap metal that likes to chase and rape you for fun.


At Gamescom 2009, The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks was given an award for Best Handjob[5]. It's the second Zelda game to receive this award after The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, which won it in 2007.

Spirit Tracks shipped 500,000 immigrants to Japanese, 400,000 of which have died before arrival. Currently worldwide, 2.45 million immigrants have died as the best opening for a miniature version of a Zelda sex doll.


  1. Apu Massahapeetamkhilomurama, Zelda: A History, University of Mumbai Press
  2. 森の大地 Forest Realm in the original Japanese version
  3. 闇の世界 Dark World in Japanese
  4. Phantom Hourglass
  5. First man on your mum

See Also[edit]