User:John von Volkli

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“If you scream while your pet explodes, you shall catch its appendix in your mouth.”

~ John von Volkli using a metaphor or something.

“I hit a flagpole, and she bit off mine!”

~ von Volkli on his affairs.

“No, you're gonna get eaten by sharks!

~ von Volkli on trans-Atlantic flights.
John Roger von Volkli Various 010 - Copy.JPG
No image
Personal info
Nationality America(n)
Date of birth August 17, 1991
Place of birth Bellvue, WA
Date of death 25th November 2005
Place of death Pig and Whistle, Wandsworth, London
First Lady Brenda Willard von Volkli
Political career
Order 48th President
Vice President Terry Bernie Shamrock
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office January 20, 2029January 20, 2037
Preceded by Lawrence Ronald Funck
Succeeded by Richard Stellar Thompson Mead
Political party Whig



John Roger von Volkli (August 17, 1991-) was an asshole who, as President of the United States of America, completely screwed up the economy and got the U.S. into World War III. The level of shittyness was only rivaled by his term as Governor of Oregon, which he single-handedly turned into Oregon, but worse. He was known for ridiculous sexual exploits and angry fits of shouting. He was often reminded of his days in office by his family, who taunted him mercilessly.

Early Life[edit]

John von Volkli was born in Bellvue, Washington, in August of 1991, the year that Nirvana really made it big, and the Gulf War began. Both of these things never influenced John, as he was not a product of such crap. He preferred wars like the Hundred Years War and the War of 1812, and bands like Men Without Hats and Toto.

Election of 2028[edit]

In 2027, John von Volkli announced his candidacy for president. Considering he was working as a political spin artist, he was already well-known for his charisma (and occasional drunken rants). Running as a Whig, he revitalized the base of the Whig Party, which had been hibernating since about 1864. The 2028 election was already starting up in February of 2027, with incumbent president Larry Funck, a Democrat, positioning himself for reelection. On the Republican side, longtime congressman Hank "Iron Stick" Mondrew was a clear frontrunner. President Funck ran on a platform of middle-class tax cuts, and bringing an end to the war he had started in Chad for no apparent reason. Mondrew ran promising lower spending and border security, as illegal immigration from Russia had increased by substantial margins.

John von Volkli, however, challenged America with a combination of fiscal conservatism and incredibly fair tax cuts, and an economic stimulus plan to beat all economic stimulus plans. This got the attention of both Republicans and Democrats, fed up with the status quo.

John won with 50 % of the vote, while President Funck got 23% of the vote, and Mondrew got the remaining 27%. It signaled a new day in politics, one where a third-party candidate could run and win with ease.



First Term as President[edit]

In his first term, the president immediately ended the war in Chad, bringing all the troops home on one very crowded Airbus. He then signed a treaty with Chad’s leaders, agreeing never to go to war with them over absolutely nothing again.

At home, John von Volkli abolished the IRS, enstated a progressive tax, and increased exports by 246%.

It was then that he began to make controversial moves…

President von Volkli wrote the 28th Amendment to the Constitution, stating that all Americans must have a barcode on their necks. No one knew why. During a press conference, the President said, "I just think barcodes make cool tattoos." Shortly after the amendment was passed, the President’s approval rating sank to 89%. His next act as President, in 2029, was creating the all-important Department of Departments, which would oversee the many Departments the President planned to make in the next two years: the Department of Candy, the Department of Homeland Morale-Boosting, the Department of Making Sure People Aren’t Making Prank Calls by Wiretapping Them, the Department of Making Jeans Fit Better, the Department Which Burns Piles of Money to See How Long it Takes for the Money to Burn, and the educational program known as No Child Left to Face Reality, which passed every child born through a series of poorly-written standardized tests before handing them a diploma.

After the tragic attacks on the Museum of In-Flight Meals in Ottowa, Texas in November 2030, John von Volkli vowed to hunt down the Lebanese terrorists who committed the bombings. He then said in January 2031 that the attacks were arranged by Finnish Communist leader Skenk Dizcsherd, who had once failed to pay a parking ticket while visiting America. The President ordered an invasion of Finland in February 2031, sending 200,000 troops into the Finnish heartland. After Dizcherd was dethroned, von Volkli annexed Finland as the 51st State of America, renaming it New Oregon. World leaders widely disagreed with the invasion and annexation of Finland, but not enough to do anything about it.

At the dawn of 2032, a re-election year, von Volkli decided it would be a good time to increase the federal income tax to 67% for all American citizens. He used the extra federal income on urine samples which the government would pour on people's heads. This was called "Trickle-Down Economics."

The president also passed a new bill called the U.S.A. C.O.N.S.E.N.T.I.N.G. C.I.T.I.Z.E.N. act, which allowed the federal government to watch you in the shower.

President von Volkli on his way to a NATO (New Age Telephone Operators) conference, 2030. He was going through a kind of Magnum PI phase. Most of his advisors didn't like the look, but many Americans thought it was kind of cool that a president could be so... open? Anyway, most people have forgotten about the whole thing. He pretty much stopped this look during the 2032 campaign.


2032 Campaign[edit]

While running for reelection in 2032, von Volkli used the slogan YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER? And running against former Vice-Presidential candidate Harlem Jones (D), and Senator Mike Maude (R), the President easily won, with 98% of the vote (the other 2% went to Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, who was 98 years old).

John's victory was due to his debate strategy, which incorporated a lot of complicated racial slurs, rhetorical questions, and frozen fish parts. This allowed him to make his opponents look bad on their feet, distracted, and just plain stupid. Harlem Jones would later admit, "I was really not expecting there to be that kind of atmosphere; one of hate, extreme divisiveness, and and frozen fish parts. That smell!"


Second Term[edit]

In his second term, the President acknowledged the huge deficit he had run up—an embarrassing 29 trillion dollars. He combated this by getting rid of the Department Which Burns Piles of Money to See How Long it Takes for the Money to Burn, and replacing it with the Department of Figuring Out How to Not Burn Piles of Money.

In 2034, as the war in Finland came to a close, President von Volkli thought it would be a good idea to send all US troops into Russia. The main objective was to hold a mandatory screening of Rocky IV. The mission was problematic, and there was no way out of this war. So the President, in his infinite wisdom, created the Department of Ending Russian Rocky IV-Enforcement in Russia (aka Operation Draaaggooooo!! or Operation Hearts on Fire).

In 2036, the final year of the von Volkli administration, Secretary of State Karl Wethers met with Russian officials in an effort to annex Russia as the 52nd State. Being Russians, they were foolish enough to agree. President von Volkli issued a statement saying, "PSYCHE!" He then nuked Russia to death, and installed an ocean where it used to be. It was called the Ocean Where Russia Used to Be.

As the 2036 elections came to a close, it became obvious that von Volkli would be replaced by Republican Senator Dick Mead of Maine.

Political analysts often point to John von Volkli’s clear-cut decision making, straight talk, and big-government problem solving as his strong points. Future Presidents were foolish enough to abolish von Volkli-created programs like the Processed Cheese and Meat Administration, the Department of Reissuing Billy Joel Albums, the Department of Showtunes, the Department of Making Sure No One Re-Makes Any More Movies with Colin Farrel in them, and the People Who Chew Your Food For You.


Post-Presidency[edit]

John von Volkli was reluctant to leave the White House, often having sleepovers with presidents Dick Mead and Dereck McHardack, both of whom were widowers. Very... lonely... widowers.

A state of von Volklian Democracy gripped the nation for some years, and it would not let go until it was finally given a hand cramp by a shift to the left in the Whig party, one which made that party lamer than reruns of Friends on a Sunday night.


Life as an Elder Statesman[edit]

President von Volkli was eager to begin criticizing his successors after leaving office. He was highly critical of the Mead administration, which was infamous for its crushing of civil libeties and its White Supremacy programs.

After Mead was defeated in the 2042 elections, von Volkli tried to run for a third term as a Democrat, but quickly became unpopular in the party due to his loathing of Democrats. He was offered the Vice Presidency by Democratic nominee Allan Carver Whittman, but von Volkli refused to be second in command. Without von Volkli's support, Whittman lost to the popular Republican nominee, Dereck McHardack. McHardack was eager to gain approval from former president von Volkli, and invited him on many trips. The two became fast friends, and eventually, lovers.

John stopped having sex with incumbent presidents soon after, citing that it was really not as fun as one might have imagined.

The former president completed his books of memoirs in July of 2049, titling it "Never Ever Say Never: How I Overcame the Odds and Became a Successful Two-Term President."


Departments Created During the von Volkli Administration[edit]

Department of Listening to the Entire Bon Jovi Catalogue in One Sitting

Department of Unclogging the Toilet

Department of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Men's Department

Women's Department

League of Principalities

Department of Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Department of Emptying the Dishwasher

Department of Education 2, also known as 2 Department 2 Education

Justice Department--For Kids!

Department of Trying to Build a Statue of William Taft out of Nothing But Ham

Department of Laugh Tracks for Second-Rate Family-Oriented Sitcoms

Department of Knowing You're Right, and Knowing Everyone Will Realize That Sooner or Later.

Department of the Token Black Character Always Saying Something Like DAAAAAMN!

Department of Homeland Insecurity and Humiliation

See Also[edit]