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“They great appreciated; I not have my 500 wives without them!”
It should exist... or wait, does it?
Laser Goats are a breed of Mountain Goats that exist only in countries as
fucked up as magical as Krushnevya. They are often found in the far off mountains or Russian brothels. Recently, however, they have been used to the advantage of the king and his army by being captured and brought to the palace. Their laser powers are the best weapons available in the area, so they will come in handy in the war against Paulland and their Laser Tigers.
Laser goats have only been around for around fifty centuries, ever since Pfizer, the awesome maker of Miagra, first began sexual enhancement experiments with goats as test subjects. Regular old goats, however, proved too frail, their sex organs expanding to literally astronomical proportions (literally; one goat's cock inflated to the size of Saturn... or could have, but by the time it had reached the length of a football field the monster penis a-sploded). So mountain goats were brought in to improve success rates (by now resting comfortably at 0%). This, however, proved equally futile, as the mountain goats' dicks grew faster and longer than the goats'. Finally, a
homosexual special mountain goat was delivered to the Pfizer Main Testing Facility and, upon being given the latest test compound, demonstrated amazing results. These results, unfortunately, were not in the areas of sexual activity but rather of, well, er... To put it simply, the goat's penis fell off, the scrotum merged with the milksack, and its udders swelled up to the size of grapefruits. Then, to everyone's surprise, the udders began to glow. The scientists leaned in closer to investigate and... BAM!!! Laser beams began shooting out from the udders, vaporizing the unfortunate Pfizer scientists and blowing a massive hole in the side of the test facility. Pfizer subsequently shut down that facility, and the laser goat was donated to Goodwill, where the King of Roam found it and demanded that it be mass-produced for his army in preparation for the Punic Wars.
The Laser Goat, Laserus Goatus can be found in the northern mountains of Krushnevya. They have nice white fur that keeps them warm in the mountains. Unfortunately, this nice white fur becomes a problem when their powers are used.
The Laser Goat has an unusual power not found among other goats. It has eyes that somehow shoot deadly laser beams from them. However, most goats do not know how to use this power on command, as most goats do not take the official Laser Goat Training Class available in Downtown Krushnevya. Only the wisest goats take this highly recommended training. There are none of these wise goats in existence at the moment. And so this lack of training results in a most common accident among Laser Goats; Burning
Dog Goat Disease. Often when the goats are grazing in the fields of the mountains (irony not intended) they look downwards in an attempt to lick their hooves. This usually is not successful as the goat's Laser System will take action and unfortunately smoke their asses.
While this unfortunate even happens often in the mountains, it also occurs on the battlefield against the Laser Tigers. Often this results in fiery goats and utter confusion (not to be confused with udder confusion). This is a problem, and the king is often upset and firing the goat trainers, leaving untrained goats to create even more problems with their uncontrollable lasers. Laser goats often need to now carry fire extinguishers around to avoid catching Burning Goat Disease.
The goats have these extinguishers wrapped around their neck so that in an un-rare case of Burning Goat Disease, they can rescue themselves so that the king does not have to risk his worthless life to save the goats whose lives are worth more than he can imagine. Just kidding.
These laser udders come in handy when they are being attacked by pedophiles especially, for this is when their dear udders are under attack. Though to the enemy it seems as though they are being squirted by milk, they are actually being shot by a powerful laser beam. The laser beam DOES seem like milk, Ryan.
Maybe you should try it, dumbass.