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“I did not have inappropriate relations with that woman.”
“I did, however, have inappropriate relations with these women.”
This is a much-confused entry on mountain goats that was first conceived as a page on mountain goat racing. Since the authors currently cannot find the time, incentive, or sex drive (it's in use already "researching" said mountain goats) to make a separate page for mountain goats and make this one for racing only, this article will continue to be confusing, twisted, and impossible to follow. We DO NOT apologize!
Does this article NEED an introduction?! It's about goats, people, COME ON! What could be more awesome than goats? Nation, we have a serious problem here if you aren't satisfied with goats racing, being milked, having sex, and blowing shit up! Now sit down, shut up, get your hand outa your pants, and ENJOY!!!
Mountain goats have been used throughout Krushnevyan history, society, culture, politics, and sex for their adaptability and flexibility. They can be used in a number of ways. The first use ever proposed for the mountain goat was as a beast of burden, much like the llama, camel, and horse of other nations. However, an unknown individual declared that goats should be used as mobile dinner tables, the forerunner of the mobile home and recreational vehicle, and promptly attempted to make a sellable "Table-Goat". The goat, however, a-sploded upon contact (it apparently was too Conservative to be touched by Democratic hands), and the unknown inventor was never heard from again until the next election. The mountain goat took its place alongside other domesticated goats as a pack animal, slightly lower in status than a mule.
Creation - Evangelical/Biblical Version
Illicit Real Version
Mountain goats first came into existence when your mom was anally penetrated by bull elephants and two cocks sprouted from her head. Her offspring slowly mutated into what we now see today as mountain goats; the horns are genetic hand-me-downs of the original two cocks. Ever since, the mountain goat has seen little in the way of evolutionary change, apart from the total disappearance of any sexual organs and their replacement by extremely milkable udders. It is not known how these goats reproduce, nor how fans of bestiality continue to celebrate the mountain goat's placement in Fuckfest Daily's Top 10 Best Animal Fucks (at #4, just three votes behind the Doberman, and amazingly ahead of the Arabian horse).
There are many different species of mountain goat, almost none of them natural, excepting the Virgin Goat, a bastard child from the temporary union of God and Madonna. Many of these species and subspecies were genetically engineered in experiments by Pfizer (see Miagra, their latest product) as carriers for a new sexual stimulant allowing the drug user to take up to eight cocks in the ass. Unfortunately, the goats weren't aware of the eight-dick limit, and consequently began literally splitting each other in half as test subjects took as many as 300 cocks in every body orifice they had and asploded.
The most successful subspecies that came from the project was the laser goat, a weapons platform secretly developed for the Roaman Army in their constant struggle against the laser sloths of Cartilage. Upon learning of its development from a Jamaican hooker, the Supreme General of the Imperial Krushnevyan Army ordered that they be bought for Krushnevya, and over a period of five years, twenty-two herds numbering 500 laser goats each were deployed around the world alongside their mainstream cousins, the mountain goats. At a glance, laser goats are almost indistinguishable from mountain goats; it is easiest to identify them when they are firing their lasers, for obvious reasons. Otherwise, a close examination of their genitals (or lack of them) is required. Additionally, their horns are thought to be shorter and thicker, but official Guinness World Record measurer-people are unable to get close enough to measure the horns without being dissected by lasers!
Current Uses and Employment
As of a couple of weeks ago, mountain goats serve Krushnevya in a number of capacities.
The Krushnevyan Army's current front-line MBT (Main Battle Tank) is the M1A270 "Abraham" Main Battle Goat (pictured, right), a powerful awe-inspiring weapon of war still in use after its first deployment in 1492. The goat is fed a mixture of petrochemical hydrocarbons, oats, cum, bran mash, Viagra, and hay, and has an unrefuelled range of three miles. The goat packs a 120mm smooth-bore German-made cannon "borrowed" from the American M1A2 "Abrams" SEP, and in its later variants is equipped with a rear-firing MLRS (Multiple-Launch Rocket System) on its ass. During testing, however, a number of the MLRS-equipped goats suffered catastrophic SAG (Separation of Ass from Goat); the goats could not be saved, and five gajillion
drug and prostitution tax-payer dollars went up the ass down the drain.
Flying goats were first discovered in Shangri-la by Boris Tetich. He quickly saw their apparent usefulness and tried to mount one-very bad idea. The goat, whose name was Larry, at that moment bit Boris in the crotch, effectively castrating him and rendering the services of his twelve-thousand male and female hookers useless. Larry was never seen again, and the whole goat-with-wings thing went the way of the flying pigs cliche (it'll happen only when pigs fly, etc.). It was not until 1776, light years before the Write Brothers, that an inventor by the name of Alotta Fagina added bi-plane wings to a baby goat and kicked it off a cliff. The goat, amazingly, learned to glide on the way down, and upon landing was presented with a rotary engine. Fagina was subsequently raped by Hugh Jacoq and his son, Tine E. Cauq, during the Punic wars and was not heard from again. And thus, the AirGoat was born. This amazing creature requires only a high-protein diet of sperm, high-fructose corn syrup, and crude oil to fly, and has a combat radius of fifty-million centimeters. Modern-day AirGoats are equipped with conventional swept wings, high-bypass turbofans (I have no idea what this actually means, it just sounds fancy), and can be loaded with a variety of ordnance to suit a number of missions. As a fighter/interceptor, the AirGoat can fire up to twelve AMM (Air Milk Missile)-57 rockets, which are basically gallons of milk in cellophane bags that are flung at enemy aircraft (and ground targets, too, as it turns out). JMAMs (Joint Milk Attack Munition)can also be carried; these are the most powerful tactical conventional air-dropped weapons in the Krushnevyan arsenal, except for MAEs (Milk-Air Explosives). The current front-line AirGoat is the FG-69EM (Fighter, Goat type 69, Extra Milk), one of which is pictured at left. At right is an EG-1 (Electronic Warfare, Goat type 1), an older model built for jamming enemy hormone radars.
Goats have had the ability to swim for millenia, ever since the first ever goat in the world slipped on his way to the bathtub and began flailing around so as not to drown in soapy bubbles. Goats failed as warships (proven in World War II when the Black Sheep Squadron totally decimated a patrol of BoatGoats serving secretly
for a million geishas in the service of the Japanese). But as U-Goats, mountain goats have triumphed in undersea warfare. Currently, the Pronghorn-class hunter-milker submarine is the most advanced vessel of its kind anywhere.
The most recent addition to the Long List of Mountain Goat
UnEmployment is the laser goat; currently, their only application is in the military, specifically the Army, where it is currently fighting for funding, prestige, and hoes with the Abraham Main Battle Goat. Laser goats have yet to see actual combat in Krushnevyan use (although they were prominently featured in the Punic wars). The latest upgrades include night-vision contact lenses, rocket-hooves (these are still in development; at last count over twenty goats died as a result of testing), and laser udders, which basically give the goat a four-laser 360-degree turret between its legs. Unfortunately, this can interfere with reproduction.
Details About The Racing
Some mountain goats are bred in Krushnevya for, among other things, mountain goat racing. Since they conveniently have udders that can be milked, the official Krushnevyan Mountain Goat Racing racing teams must milk them as they race the 50 yard-to-500 mile course. Thus the saddle is located on the underside with anti-gravity straps. The winner of the race gets to spend a night with zee man on zee right-hand side at the bottom of the page. Teams consist generally of two crew, a driver and a milker. The driver steers by manipulating the horns. The milker simply milks the goat as it races; this tends to make the goat run faster, but also tires it more; think of it as an accelerant or "nitro". Additionally, the milker must collect a certain amount of milk per mile. Every few miles or so on the route a collecting station can be found; here, the milker simply collects all his gathered milk and chucks it at the station. Additionally, the milk can be used to fill balloons and may be thrown at other racers.
The first ever goat race was held on April 29, 1812, near Fagtown, Kulma Province, as the brainchild of Doris Pulshekyov. As this was the first ever race and advertising at this time had not risen to the McDonalds standards of modern Krushnevya, there were only eight goats. Originally, thirteen were entered, but one had a headcold, two had sex and were banned, one was eaten by Czarist pigs, and one got on the wrong boat and ended up in Jamaica, where its progeny now resides sipping tequila, rum, and huffing Uncyclopedia pages. The eight present goats were lined up at the start line while their crews (at this time consisting only of a driver with incredibly large spurs to torture the animal with) downed last-minute shots of the ancestor of Gatorade and got quickies in the side maintenance closet. Then, all of a sudden, a scary imposing female goat dressed as Piece of @$$ appeared out of nowhere (see archival footage, digitally remastered, at left)! The males were so frightened they were falling over each other to escape. The goats were inconsolable, and so the race was cancelled and the goats were shot and eaten, thus instating the First Annual Post-Race Feast. The tradition continues to this day, except that only the worst-placing goats are shot and eaten. Unfortunately, these also tend to be the ones with a new goat-only strain of Mad Cow Disease; hence, the stoned state of most modern-day racers.
Two years later, a second race was organized, with thirty-three animals entered from all nine provinces (at the time). To ensure that the race began uninterrupted as previously, all female goats within a fifty-mile radius were raped and thrown over the Great Wall of China, where they began spreading another new strain of Mad Cow Disease, one that, unfortunately, also affects prostitutes. This is believed to be the source of a sudden surge in cases of a virus very similar to that of AIDS that is now blamed for homossexualizing hundreds of People's Liberation Army Navy sailors. As to the race, it began well, but the hundred-yard course proved too difficult; this was mainly due to attempts by the by-now burgeoning crowd of onlookers who made incredible and successful attempts to distract the goats by feeding them carrots, flashing, mooning, or raping them. Thus, only seventeen goats completed the course, five with riders and one by accident, as an errant carrot-missile had landed just past the finish line. From then on, a goat race was conducted every mid-May, and nothing much else of note happened until May 14, 1903, when a mountain goat from the Patuska Province was entered amid great fanfare and revelry for the first ever gay goat, which had proven faster than regular straight goats. The mountain goat preceded to win by an outstanding margin, its rider at one point jumping off his ride and onto the gay goat, where he proceeded to hump the rival driver till he fell off. The gay goat, now riderless, promptly fled to a ranch where its secret lover lived; the two were found and executed. The mountain goat's crew won, and from then on all races were undertaken with mountain goats.
Nothing much happened in mountain goat racing after that until 1921, when female goats in the United States and Krushnevya were both awarded the right to vote for female plumbers, a most outstanding achievement in the history of women's rights.
The 151st Annual Mountain Goat Race, hosted as usual by the Krushnevyan Mountain Goat Racing Team, took place on April 9, 1965, outside the Goat Palace, a shrine to all things goat-related situated near Sukisnepal, Kreqir Province. Over 5,000 mountain goats, with well over 2,500 from teams around the world, raced in a 9,600-mile-long course to commemorate the 9600th anniversary of Adam's Mliking of God which started the whole damned milking-animals thing. "Adam demonstrated the urge of all men throughout history to grab whatever's hanging and squeeze it," proclaimed the Temporary Emcee (the Permanent one was in Tahiti getting a full-body-wax at the time; upon finding out, the Great Leader of Glorious State of Krushnevya ordered an airstrike by AirGoats of the 23rd Strike Regiment to bomb Tahiti; the goats, however, failed to find the island, crashed in the ocean, drowned, and were promptly eaten by sharks. War was then declared on Tahiti, but Godzilla appeared out of nowhere, let loose this great bigass fart, and everyone on Tahiti died, except the local mountain goats, who proved immune but died because their favorite food of Berber (the floor; if you've seen Blades of Glory you'll recognize this) was stepped on by Will Ferrell) at the opening; this opening statement immediately started an orgy in the center plaza; the participants' names are still classified.
Over the years, a number of variations to traditional mountain goat racing have been created, the most popular of them being rocket mountain goat racing. By attaching large rocket engines to the horns, the goat may now
be in much more pain and suffering go much faster. Unfortunately, multiple pioneers of this most noble sport have been killed by their own engines; the drivers in particular seem particularly vulnerable. The goats are also affected; with all that extra weight, the goats tend to bow down more, and may begin cartwheeling, an arguably faster expedient of racing, but hardly a safer one.
Accidents and Deaths Unfortunate Events
As of now, gay jockeys have died from mountain goat racing in Krushnevya. No numbers exist for other nations, as other nations do not acknowledge that such a gay sport exists. Screaming bitch recently participated in a race somewhere in Wisconsin, and reportedly called Brutha from anutha mutha at his brothel saying, "You should try it!" Unfortunately, John Asshole subsequently accused the alleged female presidential candidate of misinterpreting race rules by giving the goat a blowjob instead of milking the udders. "Being an accomplished racer myself, and a great admirer of Krushnevya for inventing such a fine pasttime, i know for a fact that it is illegal to suck the goat while racing. Instead, one must kick the donkey in the balls while racing," said McCain after a rally in Maine. Subsequently, the ASPCA sued McCain for animal cruelty, but the local SPCA chairman subsequently was forced to resign after it was discovered he owned his own racing team.
In other news, a massive outbreak of Mad Goat Disease in 1999 in Belize was found to be linked to a smaller pandemic of Burning Goat Disease in Africa. Over transsexuals were infected, and began spouting fire from their genitals, lighting their homosexual partners on fire during sexual intercourse.
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