User:Matt lobster/Star Trek
“Who do you think is the better captain, Kirk or Kirk?”
"A long time ago in a galaxy far far away" they said, and so started the Sci-fi phenomenon of Star Trek...
Back in the late sixties most television series were set on Earth (HERE!). "Oh there was definitely an Earth bias", Gene Roddenberry, Star Trek's creator, commented - his words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Lager. "I think it's because most of us live there. But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count alternate universes, which I do...but that's just a hobby…and to be honest I've lost count."
Roddenberry that as well as an Earth bias, there was also a bias towards setting shows in the present day. "The present day is only one day out of about 3000 billion days available to set a television show in." Roddenberry continued, naked as the day he was born, "I wanted to set my television show on one of those other 3000 billion days."
So Roddenberry set to work, asking his mother if he was allowed to create a television series not set on Earth and not in the present day. Her answer was apparently ‘yes’, as long as it wasn't set next Wednesday - as that's when she was getting her hair done 'by Betty around the corner'. With next Wednesday ruled out, Roddenberry set the show in the mid twenty-third century - a century that hasn't, even to this day, happened.
Pitching Star Trek
Roddenberry went to TV Executives at Paramount to discuss his ideas. "I wanted to name the series after my favourite cat 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' but they didn't think this title snappy enough. We compromised with 'Star Trek' and to be fair, the cat would still answer to that name as long as he knew there was food in it for him."
On the strength of the pitch, a pilot entitled "The Cage" was commissioned. A dispute over biscuit allocation caused a strike at Paramount and so filming was cancelled in favour of shouting. A year later (the time it takes the Earth to orbit the sun) Roddenberry pitched another story and "Where No Man Has Gone Before" (about a woman - a species no Star Trek fan has yet discovered) was produced. A dispute over on-set masturbation brought the second strike, and Roddenberry was forced to start again, eventually making "The Man Trap", which wasn't very good but had a reasonable gay following.
TV Executive Marcus Howdawg decided to support the show despite low pilot ratings, as he found the show to be a great escape from the demands of his feminist girlfriend - who had only the week before asked him to have a 'conversation'.
Filming In Space
Without the complex jiggery-pokery of CGI, producing a fictional action series set in space was always an expensive and troublesome operation. It meant all such programs had to be actually filmed in space itself. Though a full mock-up of The Enterprise was built, it did not have engines of its own and had to be pulled by ropes attached to a space shuttle.
Gene Roddenberry gave away a few tricks of the trade in an interview with Walter Cronkite - though due to the zero-gravity environment all of the u's floated away: "Obviosly, in the corse of the series, The Enterprise visits a nmber of alien worlds. With the limited range of the Space Shttle, we cold only really get to the moon, and though we toyed with the idea of the Enterprise continally discovering the Moon every episode, we finally conceded this would be fcking appalling. Ths we jst painted the moon different colors to represent different planets visited. Granted the moon is only a third of the size of Earth, but painting it did take a considerable amont of time and indeed paint, especially in near weightless conditions".
By the third season of Star Trek, Lenard Nimoy's insistence that his prosthetic ears be made entirely out of gold mean that budget cuts had to be found elsewhere. This forced the production team to only paint half of the moon for each episode. "It wasn't ideal", William Shatner commented with a comment articulated from his own mouth by the dexterity of his tongue,, "but we just had to work around it and only use half of it. It's sad in a way - but so was the death of Princess Diana and the end of the movie E.T"
The automatic doors in the Enterprise were open and closed by invisible dogs.
The first series was performed entirely in the original Klingon with no subtitles in an attempt to appeal to a fictional alien species. The experiment proved unsuccessfully and later series used the language spoken by the Queen of England.
Narrative Devices to Allow Deep Space Travel
You have to travel pretty fast to travel around outer-space and Roddenberry knew this. He came up with a measurement called Warp Speed whilst ice skating in Belgium. "I decided to make Warp 1 equal to 100mph." Roddenberry explained, "I know this sounds fast for, what is effectively the lo the Enterprise’s first gear, but I don't think you should misunderestimate the size of outer-space. It's many times larger than earth. It’s bigger than America for god’s sake!"
Warp 2 became 200mph and then up in 100 mph chunks with warp 9 being 900mph. "Warp 10 was 2000mph instead of 1000mph because I felt that it should be an out-there kind of figure." Roddenberry continued, "Twice the speed of Concorde - in effect - the enterprise travelling at full-whack could get you from London to Sydney in just two hours!!"
Star Trek’s Politics
Continuous drunken accusations that Star Trek has connections to communism have dogged the show rather like a dog would. Money abolished - in Star Trek's universe absolutely. And if that wasn't enough it is argued, the left of left helter-skelter ran to treating women and blacks with respect. Of course religion is no match for technology in this red spockosphere. Gregorian calendar? Not a chance - we're working with Tsar-dates here. If a five year mission sounds like a long time, a five year plan most certainly does not.
Characterisation of Kirk's Cock
Though never seen on-screen, Roddenberry considered Kirk's Cock to be at the heart of the show and he would often insist Shatner left it flopped out – even in rehearsals.
Thanks to Captain Kirk's habit of 'going where no man has gone before', Dr. McCoy was the foremost authority on intergalactic venereal diseases, although he never could figure out exactly what Kirk caught from the green chick. Except a few extra pounds here and there.
And if you've ever wondered why all the aliens in Star Trek look like humans dressed up? Ask Kirk...
On Set Relationships
Much has been written about the frosty atmosphere present on set between Shatner and his co-stars. ”Personally I’ve never had a problem with the fat prick, dammit”, DeForest Kelly said in an interview published in the July 1991 edition of Efficient Baking , “ But it did grow slightly tiring when Bill would constantly insist on improvising rather than following the script. His off the cuff remark that he had to go call his wife totally ruined the tension of my removal of Spock’s brain. Kirk didn’t even have a wife dammit.”
”I said at the time and I’ll say it again” Kirk has since responded, ”This is sci-fi man, it’s out of space…you guys ever heard of time-travel?’
Star Trek vs. Star Wars
Star Trek were looking for revenge after their 2-0 loss along time ago in a galaxy far far away and they took an early lead in the first half when Kirk nodded in a header off a cross from Spock. Star Trek continued the pressure and almost went two-up when Chekov had a snapshot from 40 yards. The ball flew inches over the bar with OB1 scrambling across his goal line.
Second half pressure from Star Wars provided them with an equaliser on 72minutes when Skywalker rose highest from a perfectly weighted Leia cross. The remainder of the game was played out at a relatively pedestrian pace with Solo lucky to stay on, only getting booked for a two footed challenge on Picard on 83 minutes.
STAR TREK 1
McCoy, Spock, V
STAR WARS 1
- HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship
- UnNews:Starfleet Academy graduate looking forward to posting
- Shatkins Diet
- Scotty off of Star Trek