User:Modusoperandi/UnNews:Pickled lout ruins "...of the Month" awards
1 February 2007
Wikiadome, parts unknown -- Modusoperandi, in a drunken and rambling speech, thanked those who were foolish and ill-informed enough to vote for him as "Writer of the Month" recently. Uncyclopedia.org holds the monthly ceremony at the Wikiadome (motto "Home of the Wilde!"), formerly "Miss Kwan's House of Massage". 'Happy endings' are still provided for a nominal fee.
"I'd like to thank all of the little people I stepped on to get where I am today. <checks notes> I'd like to, but I never bothered to write down your names. There was that guy, you remember, with the lazy eye? And the lady with the poodle hair? And what's-his-name, was always typing things...aw, heck, you know who you are. Give yourself a hand." opened Modusoperandi after stumbling onto the centre stage at the 60,000 seat Wikiadome.
Instead of a speech, N00b of the Month The Bard gave a delightful interpretive dance. "We're still waiting for someone to tell us what it meant...but it was nice.", said one audience member. The Uncyclopedian of the Month, Braydie graciously received his award and gave a stunning speech that had the audience in tears, but nobody wrote it down, so you'll have to take our word for it. The Foolitzer, meanwhile, was won by David Gerard for the popular nine-part expose of the ladies' shower area, and the conspiracy of soap and bubbles within. An angoraphobic shut-in, the intrepid reporter refused to attend due to the sizeable chance that someone in the audience would be wearing a fuzzy sweater.
During the half-time extravaganza Splaka (no picture available), January's Potatochopper of the Month made a surprise appearance and 'chopped someone else's face onto a picture of your body because, well, let's just say you have a face for radio.
Uncyclopedian of the Year, Mhaille, gave his speech as a mime. "His 'trapped in a shrinking box' bit was breathtaking, outdone only by his 'pulling on a rope' bit." several attendees scribbled in the 'Comments' sections of their 'How was our service?' cards. The always verbose Hardwick Fundlbuggy, 2006's Writer of the Year gave his acceptance speech live by satellite from his palatial secret underground lair, deep inside Skull Island. In his speech he humbly thanked all Users and Admins at Uncyc for giving him a chance to hold the world hostage with some stolen nuclear warheads.
All winners of "...of the Month" awards received a brand new 1978 Dodge Omni, courtesy of DaimlerChrysler. Except UotY and WotY; they got two.
The ceremony, filmed before a live studio audience, is watched by an estimated 7.9 billion people worldwide. The calculator for this estimate is broken and is rumoured to "...ain't never not haven't worked real correct-like..." states Chronarion, on condition of anonymity.
Modusoperandi, after being interrupted by this disembodied narrator's lengthy commentary, continued, "To the Suburban homeboys in the crowd; your tiny front-wheel drive Asian boombox cars with great big wheels and enormous exhaust tips make me weep for the future of western culture, yo."
"A shout out to biblical fundamentalists; your combination of ignorance and zeal inspired me to, for the most part, use your own words, ideas, and ideals to expose your lunacy. Your vision for a new world that resembles an early iron age tribal society writ large, frankly, still scares the hell out of me." he mumbled, almost spilling his congratulatory box of wine in giddy glee.
"I'd like to thank the bureaucrats for approving my 709J form even though I signed in black ink, rather than the approved blue. You can be sure that I'll be sending a sternly worded letter to your supervisor recommending your dismissal for your lax and half-assed adherance to procedure." At this point his speech broke off, as he was too full of emotion, and himself, to continue. After a momentary pause, unfortunately, he carried on.
"To Pulp Novel, my eternal gratitude. Thanks to you and my occasional habit of adopting the 'method writer' style, the security guards at work stripsearch me every morning and probe me in places that I didn't know I had places, and I have to give blood and urine samples every week or they'll force me into counselling. That first part is pretty good, now that I think about it."
"Annie come home, darling. The children miss you. When they stare at me with those soulless, dead eyes and ask 'Father, where's the disquieting half of our disturbing parental unit?' it just breaks my heart and causes me to flee the room screaming."
"I'd like to thank Drama for coaching me on how to, on too many occasions, let my ego get the best of me. I really put my foot into 'it' sometimes, thanks to that guy. You're the man! My apologies go out to everyone who has ever cracked my thin candy shell and got my delicious but overwhelming nougat Diva centre all over their monitor. There are too many names to mention. If you've ever been on VFH or especially VFP...I'm sorry for being a jerk."
In December, in a separate ceremony out back by the dumpsters, Drama received the coveted Useless Gobsite of the Month award, for his many, many contributions to Uncyclopedia. Drama was a fictional character expressly created for the purpose of giving users and admins a way to let off steam by putting their own foibles, farts and missteps on a sacrificial lamb with a silly haircut and comically oversized bowtie.
After knocking back a big swig of wine (provided by Uncyclopedia's official sponsor and unofficial sponsor of self-loathing writers everywhere, "Great Big Box of Wine, Inc") he dropped the cards for his speech. Unable in his inebriated state to remember the correct order of the cards, he "winged it". "Which is always a good idea when you're shitfaced." an admin said later of the incident.
"I'd like to thank Hindleyite, Zombiebaron, Prettiestpretty, King In Yellow and Tooltroll for reasons that, at this moment, escape me. Whatever it was that you did, thank you. I love you all. Mhaille, Hardwick Fundlebuggy and Super90 deserve a big hug for adding their special touch to some of my pages; in Mhaille's case sometimes before I'd even started writing them. When I betray humanity to our alien masters I'll try to make sure that your cells get curtains. No guarantees, but I'll try."
"...and finally, to close my speech I'd like to thank all of those people who voted for my competition in WotM, simply because One-eyed Jack is more talented than I am, or doesn't resort to filling his pages with nudity and cuss words, or because he didn't throw up on your patio." he closed, as men in white overalls began to drag him offstage, tearing his vomit-stained robin's egg blue tuxedo in the process. "You guys are dead to me, you hear? Dead! I'm on top of the world, Ma! Top 'o the world!"
Modusoperandi is expected to return to active duty at Uncyclopedia just as soon as his head stops pounding and the bed stops spinning.
^ Just out of frame are the n00b's adorable Pokemon footie pajamas.
^ Braydie also plans not to share.
^ Modusoperandi wishes to apologize for the awful pun. If it helps, he fell down in the shower and bruised his bum when he thought of it. He got shampoo in his eyes and was "squinty" all day.
^ The only known footage of Splaka is that episode of C.O.P.S. with the two rednecks running away from the police. Splaka is the one in the cut-offs and flip-flops. No, the other one.
^ Apparently a bunch of you believe, as in time immemorial, that Jesus is coming back this year. Based on His past performance, Modusoperandi is willing to take that bet.
^ In the interest of editorial honesty it should be noted that Modusoperandi's car is Japanese, has a 650W stereo, giant wheels and a foolishly large exhaust tip. In his defence the car is neither tiny nor front-wheel drive, the stereo is rarely turned up, and the tip is big because it matches the exhaust. Which is also is big. Also, it goes like stink and makes a cool "Pish-aahh" sound when he lets off the gas. It does not, however, help him to get laid. Just so you know.
^ This footnote isn't in small type, because it's important. "Operation: Sacrifice Drama" was successful only in that it was a complete and utter failure, as there was and continues to be a little Drama in all of us. Where there are divas and drama, users and admins, text and whatever the opposite of text is, there'll be conflict. Communicating entirely via the interweb only compounds the potential for conflict as, except for the emoticon variety, your smiles, grins and guffaws don't reach the other users' monitors. Just try to remember, people come here to laugh. When they don't laugh they leave. Let's not let anything come between us ever again.
^ Pictures! That's the opposite of text.