User:Nachlader/World Wildlife Fund

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
No wonder they're an endangered species - the panda is the mascot of the WWF.

The World Wildlife Fund (now known with the suffix "for Nature" in attempt to attract naturists to the fanbase), or WWF, is a sports entertainment company dealing in professional animal wrestling arranged by animal lovers within the aforementioned organisation. It features fights, wrestling bouts, brawls, fisticuffs and bloodbaths wherein dangerous predators, the lazy and weak, perilous domestic pets and endangered species are the combatants, battling with one another in a pre-defined survival of the fittest.

The federation... sorry, fund features every wrestling fan's favourite brawler, including the bear, the elephant, the snake, the shark and the chihuahua. All of them scramble for glory in the bloodied ring, leaving no other animal standing, other than itself.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about the WWF abbreviation dispute.

The World Wildlife Fund was founded in 1961. The group stated their mission to protect endangered species and other animals, and they promptly set about getting involved in saving poor animals, like injured little bunnies and the rare Siberian orange duck-billed mongoose, from extinction and suchlike. But it wasn't until 2000 that in result of a botched attempt to sue the then World Wrestling Federation (now known as the WWE) for unfair trade practices, regarding the abbreviation, lead to the organisation's mission to be forever changed: in an unusual muddle of events, it was agreed that the World Wildlife Fund could keep the abbreviation for itself (whilst the WWE took a new name), but only if they focused on organising cock fights, bear baiting, feeding animals to the lions and other inter-nature conflicts. Eventually, the level of fights escalated and full battles between the beasts were held as a new spectator sport.

It is well worth mentioning, however, that the WWF was certainly not the first group of individuals to organise fights between beasts. This sport has gone back thousands of centuries, ever since cavemen organised fights between rabid children and mammoths (which led to the latter's extinction). The Romans pitted the Christians again the lion, which ended in a no-contest for the lion (although of course, Christians are no longer classified as an animal), and settlers in 1800s Australia often put the dodo in fights with the Bruce, a mysterious, near-mythical creature known for it's weakness to stingrays.

Feud chain[edit]

Whereas the WWE has the face/heel arrangement to determine popularity and feuds, the WWF uses the food chain to act as it's system to determine who is pitted against who.

The system also uses archetype rivalries that are commonly associated with animals, this means that the main events can feature historic clashes such as the cat vs. the dog, or the equally popular, the elephant vs. the mouse.

The Dog vs. The Cat[edit]

This battle was set in place innocently enough when the owner of a house in Manchester bought a cat and left it to mew about on the living room. As WWF cameramen filled the windows from the outside, the resident dog's inner thoughts decreed that he "thought he smelled a pussy-cat". The dog awoke from it's slumber to confront the cat, which was playfully rolling about on the carpet.

The WWF later denied that the whole setting was written and staged.

Match types[edit]

There a many kinds of matches in the WWF. The first varients came not long after fans quickly got bored with the standard singles match, where the fight ended when there was literally only one animal left standing in the ring - the other in the former's stomach.

  • Zoo cage match - This is exactly like the cage match featured in the WWE, however the stress of living years and years in captivity has taken their toll on the combatants.
  • Mating season - No, no, none of the stereotype "wrestling fetish" you read about on the internet. A mating season match is where two of the same species battle each other for a member of the opposite sex. Fights between grasshoppers is the most popular amongst the fans, as the feast afterwards is most tasty.
  • Cat and mouse -
  • Stampede -
  • Ladder match - A test of the beasts' intelligence: who will learn how to copy human beings and climb the ladder first? Always a riot.

Sea events[edit]

In 2003, after various experimentations as to how to get the whole animals-beating-each-other-up idea off the ground, one enlightened figure within the WWF remembered that the creatures of the sea were eligible to enter the fray. The first underwater battle, the swordfish vs. the octopus, went badly. Several cameramen in diving suits went down to film the historic battle, but they were skewered/inked to death, as they had no way of getting out in time.

It was then, that the idea of putting an animal from the land against the fish, was introduced.

The Shark vs. The Chihuahua[edit]

The Mexican chihuahua, otherwise known by it's stage name the Latino Heat.

So when the attempt to hold the first land animal vs. sea creature match was pitted to the WWF owners, the idea was met with much acclaim. The first idea was to hold a fight between the whale and the crab, but the latter prevailed when the whale became beached on the shore. It was decided that this was obviously unfair on the marine animal, so a fight held in the waters was to be organised. By a landslide, the chihuahua was voted to represent the land, and by a similar vote count, the shark was called out to represent the sea.

A boat with the chihuahua aboard set out to shark-infested waters to start the match. When the boat finally stopped, several WWF officials flung the chihuahua overboard and they awaited the outcome of what was expected to be a grilling fight. Seconds later, they identified a plume of blood, along with a dog collar, arising from the seabed to taint the surface. After several hours of staring into the musky red waters, they were not met by either the shark or the chihuahua and decided to call a draw.

WWF Champion[edit]

Just like any other fighting sport, the WWF has it's own championship belt, held only by the strongest wrestler in the federation. To prove who the first holder of the belt should be, London Zoo was hired for private use by the owners of WWF. To the surprise of the staff, all of the cages were unlocked and the beasts were on the loose, however imprisoned in the zoo with no choice that to fight each other. Whoever would be the last animal standing would be known as the champion until defeat. Lions feasted on the penguins, poisonous snakes took down the zebras, elephants stomped the meerkats, giraffes head-butted the high-flying but bothersome parrots, vultures often interfered in fights when the combatants were mortally wounded and then picked at their skin. In the end, only the venomous cobra and the lion was left standing. The latter simply ate the snake, but the poison caused the lion to die as well.

When the battle royale came to no real conclusion, the WWF owners decided that the championship should "start from the ground up" and gave the belt to the worm as a default.

The Worm vs. The Snake[edit]

The Snake vs. The Bear[edit]

The Lion vs. The Bear[edit]

The Crocodile vs. The Bear[edit]

The Gorilla vs. The Bear[edit]

The Sloth vs. The Bear[edit]