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Optimus Prime
White guy transformer.jpg
Seen here collecting his welfare check.
Date of birth: 4/13/1956
Birth location: Trenton NY
Height: 5' 11"
Notable role(s): Played himself in a late-night infomercial in the mid eighties.


Optimus Prime was born in 1956 in Trenton NY to Val and Aqua Prime. He went to a public school and got average grades. Around the age of 13 he noticed there was something different. All of the other children were beginning to show signs of puberty while he did not. He was put on an expiremental hormone therapy, but despite all the side effects (night sweats, muscle pain and chronic diarrhea) his facial hair remained frustratingly absent. After extensive research and many late nights in the medical library Optimus finally determined that he was a robot. When asked how he never noticed his parents were also robots, and famous ones at that, Optimus simply replied "My parents always told me we were Mexican". Optimus came to resent the lie he was raised believing and began to shun his robot heritage. He graduated high school and immediately found work as a truck driver, despite having to take his driving test six times before passing. He spent the next ten years hauling various consumer goods all over the U.S. until a strange turn of events brought him briefly into the public eye. His current whereabouts are unknown. The welfare office sends a monthly check to a PO box in Nevada, but none of the local residents will admit to knowing him. There have been reports of sightings in the upper midwest, but it's most likely Optimus was just passing through transporting meth for the Hell's Angels.

Early Career[edit]

The Subow Incident of 1984[edit]

Military Career[edit]

Identity Theft[edit]

See Also[edit]

OPTIMUS PRIME IS A DICK! <---duh, shoulda thought of that right away.