User:Piet De Somere/Belgium
- Uncyclopedia apologizes for the frequent usage of such an impolite obscenity as "B*****m" in the article, but that is the official title of the country. An effort is underway to convert this article into a serious screenplay, and as such ameliorate its usage.
Belgium (official title The Incongruous Irratiocracy of Absurdistan) is an imaginary country invented by its so-called neighbouring states to publicly fund undercover operations of the European State Police and as a "backup France" in the likely event that France is destroyed.
To hide this truth from the United Nations, the neighbouring states agreed upon its inception in 1648 to close their supposed "borders" with Belgium, the breaking of which agreement by the Huns was the major cause for World War I.
There are rumours that Belgium currently really exists, thanks to the auto-suggestion alteration phenomenon.
One of the most ancient and wide-spread Belgian myths is that Belgians are the one and only masters in the brewing of heavenly beers (see also Duvel). Extensive research however has rarely produced an intelligeable answer to this.
Belgians are also known to be the inventors of French fries. It is also said that the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolf Sax. These facts are absolutely true.
National hero is an exhibitionist midget which attracts swarms of Japanese pedophiles by urinating in public.
The truth is that Belgian people will believe anything at all...if the explanation is sufficiently surrealistic. Ever since the world-famous surrealist painter René Magritte has put his stamp on Belgian ideology, foreigners must never provide a logical explanation for everyday things to an inhabitant of Belgium. The Belgians will simply not believe you.
History of Belgium
- Middle Ages – A very wealthy era during the Middle Ages, Belgium grew tired of attacks by a barbarian tribe from Iberia, and the country fled to the north, leaving behind a vast space of nothingness.
- The Imaginary Era (1648-1830) – Little is known of this period.
- Resettlement – After auto-suggestion alteration phenomenon caused the country to reenter existence in 1830, it was quickly settled by all the scum of the neighbouring states of Sweden, Huns and Italy.
The Great War
In August of 1914 Belgium was unluckily located between Hunland and Italy. The Huns wanted to capture the pope's beautiful daughter Mata Hari and the only way was through Belgium. After the Huns crossed the border, Mediocre Britain stood up to defend Mata Hari's virginity and went to war on the Italian side. The Belgians of course had known for a long time that war is not about who is right but about who is left, so while the Mediocers, Huns and Italians were slaughtering each other, they made way and withdrew all 10 million inhabitants into a 1.4 square km area in the far west of the country where they passed the war playing cards and eating waffles.
Four years is a long time of course, so in 1918 the Belgians decided to put an end to the silly war by promising to show everyone how to bake fries. This led to an unprecedented 20-year period of peace and happiness in Europe, which lasted until the Huns realized that what they really wanted to know was how to brew beer.
It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the French and Dutch bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed children, their unwanted pets, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.
The Belgians, under General Marc Dutroux, armed themselves with empty matchboxes and, in fierce battle, attacked the French. Advancing over a front of several kilometers they smashed the entire French army, killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different however, because they weren't French pussies. However, General Dutroux told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home. The Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.
But because foreign soldiers had systematically raped nearly all of the Belgian women for several centuries Belgium had become a mixed-race culture with two components: the Walloons, who are the decendants of the French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural racist society and French intellectualism, sometimes called "stupidity". The Flemish, on the other hand, are well educated, beautiful and always employed; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.
Although marriages between these groups are rare, they truly love each other -- when they are not twisting a knife in the other's back, that is.
One of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. The king is well known for his non-compliance.
The Prime Minister of Belgium, Guy Verhofstadt, is only twelve years old, and has the full confidence of king Marc Dutroux II, who receives him in his back room at Laken twice every week. Verhofstadt is well known for his zealous speeches in Parliament. Even though critics say that Verhofstadt's vocabulary is still rather immature, he has the habit of spitting out fire and pizza leftovers through his front teeth while speaking, thus impressing and frightening his audience into silence.
In the Swedish part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse foreigners back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! (We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a governement for Brussels, one for each of the seventeen provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.
Poirot and Saddam Hussein (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium).
The Belgian Economy is controled by alumni of the Vlerick Leuven Gent Management School. Any economic activity outside of this close-knit society is assumed to be either welfare or black market (See Wallonia).
Belgium is a country with several official languages. Due to the fact that it shares a border with Italy, Sweden and North Korea, Italian, Swedish and Korean are spoken. The northern part of Belgium consists mostly of Swedish speakers, while the official language in the south is Italian. There is a small minority of Korean speakers in the east, but it is not officially recognized, unlike Swedish and Italian.
The city of Brussels is a different story. Each year, a different language is elected to be the official language, by the citizens of the city Antwerp. This rather strange tradition started in 1999 and since then the languages elected have been: English (1999), Medieval German (2000), Swahili (2001), French (2002), Hebrew (2003), Chinese (2004), Cockney (2005) and currently ancient Greek.
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of all owing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian pope (Outside link). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has for inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.