User:Potentate/England

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The England Call Centre
CallCentreWorker.jpg England 030206b.GIF
(An atypical English denizen) (Official Seal of the England Call Centre)
Mottou: "I'm not a racist but..." Or "Tally Ho! What what."
Population Total - ~60,000,000

Daleks- ~4,000,000
Call centre Emplouyees- ~46,000,000 (falling rapidly due to outsourcing)
Chavs - 80% and climbing
French - 0
Germans - 1

Area 302 Square Cream Buns
Form of Government By day: Puppet Democracy under Totalitarian Autocracy
By night: Anarchy[1]
National Anthem Football Hooligan Chant
Current Monarch George Galloway
Currency Crumpets, Scones, Biscuits
Capital City 0870 100 200
Legislative City Legoland Windsor
Chief Econoumic City Scunthorpe
Religion (arranged in nonalphabetical order) Atheist - A lot

Hindu - 8%
Christian - 44%
Mormon - 7%
Agnostic - 20.5%
Zoroastrian - 0%
Jewish - -3%
Muslim - 24%
Buddhist - 3%
Jedi - 67%
Catholic - 25%

National Past-times Binge drinking, Underage Pregnancy, Obesity, Cheese-rolling, Tea
Bouncywikilogo2.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Potentate/England.

England (pronounced ing-ger-lund) is widely regarded as the largest export of jealous haters of Scotland (and also jobs for Scottish migrants) in the world. As of 2006, its full name is England, "+44870 100 200" with the capital city of 0870 100 200 which replaced Londoun when Call Centres officially overtook the government. England was created in 1066 by the Queen. England is (without question) the greatest country on earth as long as you have no sense of smell, aren't fleeing opression and/our ethnic cleansing in your homeland our happen to be french, and don't mind working in a Call centre.

England is the only thing that has kept the hatred of the French alive, until the USA picked up the torch in 2003. Hating the French, our "Frog Bashing", has been an English national pastime since the rout and slaughter of the French nobility at The Battle of Crecy in 1346 and The Battle of Agincourt in 1415. England is also a commounly believed to be ficticious fantasy island a few miles off the coast of Newfieland, Canada (aka Hoserland). Contrary to popular belief, England was NOT struck by a gigantic iceberg: It remains the most populated floating object in the universe.

The greatest practical joke ever played on the French by the British occurred in 1940. The French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, French North Africa (now Algeria) when elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranian Fleet blasted the crap out of them. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.

The inhabitants of England are known as "English" or more commonly referred to as "Tossers" or "Fucking Wankers" by the citizens of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. A more recent designation used in international circles is "Simple English". England is also the birthplace of the "Chav", a form of surrealist, degenerate homo-not-quite-so-sapiens. Every inhabitant of England has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as relations with their neighbours Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland, and how best to keep them part of the United Kingdom. Landlocked in the center of England is The People's Republic of the East Midlands. This country, most famous for having won the Eurovision Song Contest 8 times, only has a population of 10,000 due to a plague of Gout in the 1890s, caused by excessive consumption of "Black Pudding".

While England used to control 4/3 of the planet earth (except France for whatever reason), their territories have been greatly reduced when countries realized that, not only is it was no longer cool to be British, it never was in the first place. However, because of their superior linguistic skills they were able to keep control of many nations including, New Zealand, India, Robania, Bleechistan, and all of continental Europe, 'cept those damn huns and frogs, but somehow Australia went round the bend.

Although the English built that largest empire the world has ever seen, today, they are incapable of building a humble kitchen extension and have to import a quarter of a million Polish builders each year.

There are two indiginous languages. English, spoken by the plebian population, and the official language of government, Bollocks.

The national anthem is "Stop Talking Shite" by George Bernard Shaw.

History[edit]

The flag of St Georgio Mandela Smith. The internationally accepted version has ENGLAND written across it so as not to be confused with the flag of Switzerland or the Dannebrog of the Danes. Often seen flying from cars driven by Chavs.

See main article History of England for more juicy tales of wanton woe and destruction.

Though most of English history full of lesbians boring that around 3,324,876,786 have died from brain aneurisms while being forced to learn it, here below is a brief summary scientifically designed to (hopefully) do the least damage. It has been proved by students from the educational institution of Manchester Metropolitan University in England that the French are sending over rainclouds to England, as well as inferior cheese and bread.

Before England was England it was known as Anglia. Then the Pope went down into his workshop and modified Anglia into England, after which he proclaimed "Behold England the greatest thing since the invention of sliced Bread and France!"

Originally Britain was discovered by the mining vessel Red Dwarf. At that point, most of the crew jumped ship as grass is prettier than cold steel. However, one man was left aboard. His name was Jimbo. Or Dave. It isn't well known which is correct. Apparently, the crew of the Red Dwarf sent the ship randomly into space again as they didn't much like Dave, who was locked in a freezing bath. He was then discovered and chosen by the Matrix to defend earth from evil aliens.

The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass. Then the Irish were discovered. In 1150 BC a moat cutting off Ireland was begun by Combineo the Bastard. Completed by Combineo the Twat in 925 BC the moat proved ineffective, the Irish simply swam accross the moat. Widening works were commenced in 830 BC by Prudish the Flasher, leading to the Irish sea. Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in Parliament.

Controversially, the Union Jackson is NOT the flag of England; but Americans, with their love of all things patterned, checked and Jackson, assume it is.

In 1066 A.D. William "The Conquerer" Wallace invaded from France and kicked the English's posteriors at their own game of tiddlywinks, marking the only known example of the French winning at anything; a glory somewhat mitigated by the fact that not only was William not really French, but "tiddlywinks" is the stupidest name for a game on the face of the earth next to "Cricket".

In the late 19th century England became simultaneously involved in two wars: World War I a.k.a. Big Fat Waste of Time a.k.a Family Feud and WW2 a.k.a. the Second World War a.k.a. WWII a.k.a. Saving Private Ryan. Though some sources say that the United States of America came in both times to save the English from having to share their tea with savage blood-thirsty Germanazis, zombies, and Decepticons, this claim has been wildy disputed by the English themselves who continue to insist that not only did the Yanks not do anything, they were late to the party both times. England is now owned by Disneyland which is on a conquest for global domination.

England happens to be the only known birthplace of such infamous celebraties as Steven An a.k.a. Stevenplanet, The Gallagers (Liam and Noel), Robert Cornthwaite, and plenty more. They also started the stupid trends of wearing tracky pants tucked in socks, and such crappy sports as cricket and Rugby (you know, that gay sport for homophobes). They also invented the 1960s,1970s, and the first half of the 1980s.

In the great 7 hour war of 2015, England was supposed to have been invaded by the Combine, a super sweet race of aliens. This was documented by David Beckham's sister and confirmed when historians commented in The Sun "Britain wasn't actually successfully invaded. In 2015, February 30th, a citadel meant for Britian mis-teleported, destroying itself in mere months, putting the invasion back by many minutes to come". This lucky break led to people like Dr. Gordon Freeman (PhD), Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan going on killing sprees; armed with crowbars, desert eagles and humourous garden implements respectively.

Currency[edit]

The national currency of England

The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken British chavs have spoken out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. Other notable opponents of the crumpet include The Queen and McVities and have suggested a move to a new decimal currency known as the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten to within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Many liberal advocates have suggested removing beatings and savoury foodstuffs from British currency entirely, replacing them instead with a paper, coin and peanut-based currency like that of Bulgaria.


1 crumpet is worth 1 crumpet
1 crumpet is worth 5 scones
1 crumpet is worth 10 biscuits

So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Bagging's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?

Politics[edit]

Grand Wizard Beckham is seen by many as being a potential future monarch.

In a dark and elongated period England was run by a witch, or 'Thatcher' as the legends speak of her. 'Thatcher' was destroyed by discovering the fallicy of her rule; 'Thatcher' could only be a witch if it were a woman (else being a Wizard). Once "her" testicles were discovered 'Thatcher' dissapeared in a puff of neo-nazism.

Since 1940 England has been ruled by the monarch L. Ron Hubbard, prior to this the Canadian leader was elected by an all-in egg and spoon race held on Christmas Day. The winner of the race became monarch for the next year. In recent years however, L. Ron's leadership has been challenged by Beckham, the self-proclaimed Grand Wizard Ruler of the Jews, who is seen to have the support of the popular masses. Many political commentators have suggested that this confrontation be resolved by a fight to the death. Bookmakers are currently offering odds of 10-1 in Beckham's favour.

Foreign Policy[edit]

Since the collapse of the British Empire, the English strategy to try to hide their decline has been to do whatever the Americans do. See also Major League Bloodbath.

Sports[edit]

England claims to have invented 99.99998% of the planet's best sports - this is regarded by the rest of the planet as intoxicated shite. In truth however their sole contibution to the world of sport has been Tiddlywinks. The All-England Tiddlywinks Championship is held in a squat in Newcastle every other year. Football was inspired from an executioner who killed King Charles that got bored with the corpse, cut off his Crown Jewels and inflated them with a pair of scissors. Cricket was invented by a visiting Steve Balmer who was given bad service in a London hotel and vowed to Fucking Kill™ the hotel staff, he picked up a table, tore off a table leg with his bare teeth and used it to bat chairs across the room. However, these, and the 98% of all other sports they invented, were not popular sports, and hence were banished (along with everyone who played them) to Australia.

Football is also an important sport to the English. "It is a competitive team sport. The object of the game is to advance the football towards the opposing team's end zone and score points. The ball can be advanced by carrying the ball, or by throwing or handing it from one teammate to the other. Points can be scored in a variety of ways, including carrying the ball over the goal line, throwing the ball to another player past the goal line or kicking it through the goal posts on the opposing side. The winner is the team with the most points when the time expires and the last play ends. Alternatively, you can play using excessive amounts of money and bribing people or buying all the good players." An ancillary sport to football is played by the fans. It is called, "getting pissed and throwing bottles at the players." This sport is becoming more and more popular every passing year with the average Englishman.

England has a tradition of being knocked out in the quarter finals of any competition. Failure to live up to this tradition is seen as disrespectful and should be avoided.

Jesus Between The Sticks for Bethlehem FC

Ever since the 7 armed Peter Shilton and the 1 eyed Gordan Banks, England has not had a successful goalkeeper since then. Until one was found in the shape of the lord Jesus Christ. Whilst playing for Bethlehem FC at club level he continues to serve well between the posts for England.

Scotland claims to have beat them at football once, but all true Englishmen know this to be evil Scottish propaganda.[citation needed]

Military[edit]

See also British Army.

Britain (which is considered an interchangable phrase with England, in all the American media) has a moderately sized and insanely overrated trained military force, with outposts in over 200,000,000 of the 183 discovered countries worldwide. It has participated in several wars, including the massively popular Iraq War and the critically acclaimed World War Three, in which they were hailed as the axis of morons, and hunted to near extinction by band KMFDM. This co-starred the USA who incurred the least deaths of all participating nations and continued its fine tradition of turning up late for every war). Britain has resorted to homosexuality in every military conflict it has ever participated in, with the sole exception of the War on A Moth, which took place in the Devonshire & Dorset Regiment barracks, Devonshire, circa 2003 (the Moth, a descended of the dreaded Mothra, escaped into the roof and was presumably later killed by asbestos in the ceiling of the barracks). This loss however is not considered part and parcel of English military canon.

Historically, the two types of military units responsible for the most British casualties are:

1) The United States Air Force, and

2) Schizophrenic French chicks named Joan of Arc.


England also has a Navy, by standing orders there must be at least one straight englishman per boat, though this seems rare. Because of the decreasing numbers of this rare breed in england and the high number of naval vessels, enrolement of straight males at the age of 18 is compulsary. This the official reason given by the British Government for the decreasing population.

It is incredibly dangerous to come between an englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.

Words the British Army does not understand:

  • Victory in the war of Mars & Jupiter
  • Working Equipment (see the SA80)
  • Defeat at Sea
  • No need to take cover, they're American helicopters
  • Don't worry! We'll win! We've got the Italians on our side!
  • We don't have any tea... OR BISCUITS!
  • Scotland owns no one!!

English Military History[edit]

“So what if I added a zero at the end of enemy`s strength and casualty count? X plus zero equals X, goddamnit!”

~ An English historian on his work

“I recall fighting the Poles, Norwegians, Belgians, French, Dutch, Greeks, Yugoslavs, Russians, Americans, Australians, Canadians, Romanians, Finns and even the Danes ... oh yes and the Tommies! But I don`t recall ever encountering the English!”

~ Adolf Hitler on English participation in WW2

The English military history is a long and glorious tale of the most excellent victories by their superb army. Being the best army in the world throughout history (they are regular participants in Major League Bloodbath, recently as sidekicks to the Usa, who are crap at it), the English army possessed many unique units (and still possesses some) which, not surprisingly, have unique names. These are typed in italic.

Timeline of English Military History:

Battle of Hastings - Having lost the battle to the invading Normans, the English proclaim them national heroes. Hence was created rule #1 of English warfare: IF THEY WIN OVER YOU, CLAIM THEY`RE ENGLISH! It also brought about the We Love People Called Norman Day, which is now celebrated nationally on the fourteenth of October every year.

Wars of Scottish Independance (timeline) -

  1. The Scottish king died without a heir.
  2. The Scots started fighting among themselves for the throne.
  3. The English army of 100000 joined the fight hoping to conquer the Scots while they didn`t have a king.
  4. The English army of 3000 left the fight, abandoning their hope of conquering the Scots while they have at least a male pretender to the throne. Oh well, they shouldn`t have messed with Mel Gibson
  5. The Scots continued fighting among themselves (as they do to this day).

Hundred Years War: The French that had conquered the English in the previous war between the two, decided to return the favour to the French in France, so they landed on the continent with an English army. Some of the most famous English military victories were won at Crecy, Poitiers and Agincourt all because of the formidable English Welsh longbowmen and, in subsequent battles, because of the English Burgundian knights. These battles created rule #2 of English warfare: IF THEY WIN ALONGSIDE YOU, CLAIM THEY`RE ENGLISH! War was finally won by the French when the Welsh were slain at Patay by an army led by a woman and the Burgundians switched sides.

War of the Roses - The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia, so England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.

The Spanish Armada - The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. halfway there the Spainards run into a 'mild gust,' 190 destroyed ships later, the Spannish took the hint.

English Civil war AKA English Revolution - In a master coup the English defeated the English and replaced the Monarchy with the Monarchy.

Anglo-Dutch Wars - The Dutch fleet swept the English fleet from the sea (Dutch admiral Tromp displaying a broom on a mast of his ship). It even held a review in the England`s greatest naval base up in the Medway river and then towed the English flagship to the Netherlands. England finally prevailed due to their famous Irish sailors and also due to the French invasion of the Netherlands.

Glorious Revolution - A successful Dutch invasion of England. The English joined forces with the invaders, crowned their leader a king of England and applied rule #1. English historians later came up with the name.

War of Spanish Succession - Famous English commander Marlborough, with his elite Dutch and Austrian troops, inflicted several severe defeats on the French. After he ran out of Dutchmen at the Battle of Malplaquet he retired to England. The French then promptly defeated the Austrians.

American Revolution - A group of colonial environmentalists seeking to revive wildlife in the polluted Boston Harbour mistook the packages of tea on an anchored English ship for fish food and threw them overboard. Infuriated English King of the native House of Hannover declared war. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and lost all of the war. Oh well, they shouldn`t have messed with Mel Gibson (again).

Napoleonic Wars -

Peninsular War: Most excellent English victories due to their English Spanish rebels.

Battle of Waterloo: Decisive victory of the war decided by the excellent English Prussian troops.

War of 1812 - The excellent English Canadian militia defeated the future most powerful army in the world. Meanwhile the English navy successfully lost several sea and lake battles and the English army successfully lost several generals (but burnt the US Capitol). Eventually the English brought their veterans from the Napoleonic Wars to New Orleans and sent them on an attack after the peace agreement had been signed. The veterans lost 1500 men. The US millitia lost 53 men.

The Gurkha War - Full application of rule #1

The Maori War - Full application of rule #1

Opium Wars - The Chinese claimed that they weren`t addicted. The English, with the participation of the excellent English French warships convinced them that they were.

Crimean War - Inflicted several severe checks upon the Russians mostly due to the brave English Chasseurs d`Afrique. Genuinely English units also won decisive victories in such actions as "The Charge of the Light Brigade".

Scramble 4 Africa - 100 ENGLISH SOLDIERS DEFEATED 5000 ZULUS. The British soldiers had spears the defencless Zulus had only tanks, air support and at least three vampires.

Boer War - 100000 English troops suffer 5000 defeats by 1500 bearded Dutch Commandos. Finally, the outstanding English Australian troops arrived and saved England`s face. Full application of rule #1 and #2. The English also invented Concentration Camps during this war. Germans later borrowed the idea.

WW1 - The notable actions involving the English:

Somme Offensive: 6.5 English casualties in 1 day for 6.5 square metres of gains.

Battle of Jutland: The German "High Seas Fleet" conducted gunnery and damage-control practice near Skagerak, with England`s "Grand Fleet's" battlecruisers posing as live targets. Having successfully completed the drill the Germans returned to port.

Galipolli Landing: This operation saw one of the few defeats of the excellent English Australian troops, mostly because the superior Turkish fleet of one minelayer forced the outnumbered English fleet of 15 battleships to retire and cease fire support.

WW2< - The notable actions involving the English:

Battle of France: In an epic fight the English fought to the last Frenchman (killing the last few themselves at Oran) and than bravely fled across the Channel.

Battle of Britain: The English RAF ("Runway...Air...Fall") battles the German Luftwaffe. The "finest hour" of English Polish and Czech pilots (who misinterpreted the RAF motto as "Runway...Air...Fight").

Campaign in the Balkans (timeline):

  1. The English landed in Greece to help the already victorious Greeks defeat the Axis and to bring the neutral Yugoslavians into the war.
  2. The Axis occupied Greece and Yugoslavia.
  3. The British withdrew.
  4. The Greeks and the Yugoslavians expelled the Axis.

Battle of Singapore: The English eliminate 28 Japanese aircrew members and 5 aeroplanes, for the loss of 1000 sailors and 2 battleships. Then a superior Japanese army of 45000 attack Singapore defended by the outnumbered English army of 180000. The persistent English Indian and Australian troops wanted to fight regardless of the odds, but the English command wisely ordered them to (chronologically):

  1. Withdraw
  2. Surrender
  3. Show the Japanese how to build a bridge on the River Kwai.

Burma campaign: Essentially a repeat of Singapore until one day General Slim got tired of quarrelling with the English Indian troops, who were bored of ordered withdrawals and surrenders and said "All right, damn you! I bloody give up! You may stand and fight! But don't blame me for the consequences!". After this famous order the Indian troops quickly recaptured Burma.

Battle of El Alamain: The English, outnumbering the overstretched Axis army three-to-one (and two-thirds of the Axis army being Italians) refused to attack. This infuriated the German commander Erwin Rommel, who attacked himself, but was stopped by the English Australian troops armed with English US tanks. The English still refused to attack until Rommel went on holiday to Berlin. Then the English Scottish infantry spearheaded the attack that captured most of the Italians and pushed the Germans 1500 kilometres back. 1000000 square kilometres of priceless oil-free desert were liberated. The British and the Soviets started quarelling over whether this battle, or the Battle of Moscow, was the first ground defeat of the German Army in WW2. This was the beginnning of the Cold War.

Invasion of Italy: The English decided to knock Italy out of the war by conquering it, but the Italians called their bluff by using some historic English battle tactics, and surrendered moments before the attack began. The British, having landed, were forced to come up with a new objective (like German Austria), and were confident that the mountains could be crossed more quickly than the plains. Subsequently, the English 12-division drove towards Austria, but was halted by German 2-division rearguard. England`s face was saved by the excellent English 1st Polish division that constantly succeeded in achieving all of its objectives (one of them being the Monte Cassino monastery), and pulled all the other Allied units forward.

Strategic bombing of the Third Reich AKA British "Marshal plan" for Germany: In it`s first act of the Cold War, the RAF helped German farmers plow fields near and far from factories and also helped them plant rice around the Eder and Mohne Dams. Additionally, it supplied the German industry with cheap aluminium by means of planes shot-down, and cheap steel by means of bomb shrapnel. The whole operation was carried out secretly, during the night. However, this also led to the accidental plowings of Hamburg and Dresden, which led to subsequent bitter resentment of the Germans (Dresden even switched sides in the Cold War).

Battle of Normandy (timeline):

  1. Day 1: The US said they`d establish a beach-head after half a day.
  2. Day 1 (aftermoon): The US army established a beachead.
  3. Day 1 (aftermoon): The English said they`d capture Caen after 2 days.
  4. Day 33: The English army had not captured Caen.
  5. Day 33: The English committed their Canadian troops to capture Caen.
  6. Day 35: The English captured Caen.

Operation "Market Garden": The British decided to execute the largest airborne operation of the war against the almost-defeated Germans. Even though the English Polish paratroopers performed admirably, the operation was a fiasco. The English Field Marshal Montgomery claimed that it was a 90% success (Polish general Sosabowski being found responsible for the remaining 10%).

Conquest of Berlin: The English entered Berlin having been invited by the Soviets to their victory celebration.

War for Indian Independence - The English beat the hell out of the Indians and granted them independance.

Suez Crisis - A large English fleet including the renowned English French warships set sail to reconquer an Egyptian channel that the Egyptians dared to claim as Egyptian. The elite English Israeli army began pushing back the Egyptians. The English withdrew. The Israelis stayed and declared independence from England - which was swiftly granted.

Cold War - Another Englishman turned masterspy decided the war in England`s favour (according to English movie makers).

Falklands War (timeline) -

  1. The Argentines corrected the traffic signs on the Falklands that had been prompting the inhabitants to drive on the wrong side of the street for centuries.
  2. The English sent a fleet to revert the traffic signs (The Empire Strikes Back).
  3. The Argentine Air Force, equipped with French-built Exocet missiles, began destroying the English fleet.
  4. The English bribed the French to stop supplying the Argentines with arms.
  5. The English naval staff wrote off one ship for each Exocet in the Argentine arsenal.
  6. The English lost one ship for each Exocet in the Argentine arsenal.
  7. The Argentines ran out of Exocets.
  8. The excellent English Gurkha Riflemen triumphantly reverted the traffic signs.

First Gulf War - In a superb move, the five times stronger Allied Air Force destroyed half of the Iraqi Air Force, 10000 tanks, 270 mosques and 150 bomb shelters. The Iraqis comforted themselves with the heavy losses that their old 40mm AA guns (the forerunners of BB Guns) had inflicted on the RAF Tornados, which had been bombing their airfields from low altitudes.

Kosovo War - In the largest live-fire target practice in history, 1500 NATO aircraft managed to destroy 13 Yugoslav tanks. English participated with 200 aircraft, flown by 70 pilots that flew 20 missions and threw 1 bomb... and missed. 2000 decorations awarded.

Second Gulf War - After waiting ten years to replace their losses (and allow the Iraqi AA guns to rust due to the arms embargo), the English sent their elite US Troops to conquer Iraq. Outnumbered four-to-one the Iraqi army switched to successful insurgency. Meanwhile the genuinely English units fiercly conducted hiding from their own mutiny-prone US Army Air Force.


English History Textbooks

The English have the most neutral history textbooks in the world (the Japanese coming second) and also the most accurate combat strength/casualty records (the Soviet and the Vietnam-era US comming second and third).

Tourism[edit]

England is a very popular tourist destination, attracting between 37 and 38 people per year.

Things To Do in England[edit]

  • Spend all day sitting at the window really bored watching the rain pour down
  • Sit at a sidewalk cafe with a cup of tea and get saturated by the rain
  • Get blown away in a snowstorm
  • Blow spitballs at the queen during a royal appearance
  • Buy a blow job from a prostitute in England
  • Find something to whinge about
  • Ask for directions to the nearest Kmart
  • Barrack for Newcastle
  • Pull Tony Blair's trousers down during an election
  • Hang around outside a public toilet with a tube of KY jelly (males only, preferably ex-public schoolboys)

Most Visited Tourist Sites[edit]

  • Wormwood Scrubs High Security Prison (Inside view)
  • The Ministry of Silly Walks
  • Port of Dover public toilets
  • Gatwick Airport
  • The Severn Bridge
  • The Channel Tunnel
  • The Scottish Border

Places no one cares about[edit]

Non-existant places[edit]

Cities, villages, towns and other places of note[edit]

Citizens[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, a person from England is not called an Englishman. The "people" of England are in fact a completely different species to you or I. This species is called Bumblus Hughgrantius, or as it is more commonly known, the Bumblybrit. The sole purpose of a Bumbleybrit's life is to go to a nice school and, eventually, emigrate to it's "true home", the Mediterranean. Some Bumblybrits, try as they might, fail to accomplish this and have to settle for a better place, such as the crater atop Mt. Vesuvius. They move to their "true home" because they hate the fact they used to own half the fucking world and they're sad that now, in true Bumblybrit fashion, they have "bugger-all".

Customer Service[edit]

A diagram of England's Call Centre infrastructure.

Please call our helpline on 0870 100 200 where you'll probably be ignored or told to fuck off. Calls may be monitored or recorded so employees can be coerced into giving sexual favours to managers. Now go away and stop asking awkward questions.

Counties In England[edit]

Famous English People[edit]

People commonly mistaken for being English[edit]

See Also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. Well it's been on the front page of the Daily Heil often enough, so it must be true.