User:Richardgashton

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Tunbridge Wells Psychopathic Gay Society[edit]

The Panty Tiles
TWPGS Recruitment Centre
The giant penis denotes
17 Park Street, HQ of TWPGS

Situate at 17 Park Street, and funded by the Hurlingham Club, the TWPGS is ideally placed to represent the waste of space in your life.

I'm Mandy! Fly me! To Park Street, bitch is fucking Europe

Straight to Tunbridge Wells[edit]

Straight people will not go to Tunbridge Wells, especially not 17 Park Street. Royal Tunbridge Wells is a Royal Spa, and that means its full of Queens, poofs to you, semi-humans who want to climb into your dirt box, and think they have a right to do so.

Notable Members[edit]

His Honour Lord Justice Nelson, Lord Jeffrey Archer, Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair, former Prime Minister Tony Blair, Mandy and leading libel lawyer Roderick Dadak, are all supporting psychopathic members of the Tunbridge Wells Psychopathic Gay Society.

Dennis Nilsen[edit]

Dennis Nilsen was a civil servant, loyal member of the Hurlingham Club and supporting psychopathic member of the TWPGS. In recognition of his murder and necrophilia, Dennis received the Dadak award, but, but despite the best efforts of the Metropolitan Police, his hobby became obvious when drains were blocked by parts of human bodies.


Found in any good phone box. As Vladimir Lenin once said, "Yeah, I'd fuck her!"

Male Prostitution[edit]

The centre for male prostitution in England is Park Street in Tunbridge Wells.

London[edit]

Prostitute advertisement box in London, cleverly disguised as a telephone booth
Rochdale prostitutes charge just a little more for premium services, £25 all in

In London, prostitutes erect, so to speak, fake telephone booths for their advertisement cards. London tarts charge far more than the cost of a return ticket to Rochdale, the centre of prostitution in England.

Black helicopters (top left) ferry London clients to and from Rochdale, where their needs are met for £20, about €28 or $40US.

London clients can also use rail services from Euston and King's Cross to Rochdale and National Excuse provides a most inexpensive coach service direct from Victoria to Rochdale for prostitute clients. Train is preferable as Rochdale railway station is adjacent to the main prostitution toleration zone.

Rochdale[edit]

Pickup Street, Rochdale, Greater Manchester, England

Rochdale in Greater Manchester aims to be the centre of prostitution throughout the European Union, with world class tarts. Why, they've even named a street just for purpose.

Rochdale's Main prostitution toleration zone

What if I cannot afford a Prostitute?[edit]

Rochdale's Clothes dump for prostitutes, Rochdale, Greater Manchester, England

They like to leave their clothes at the start of this short-cut to the railway station opposite The Landings on Oldham Road. Think of them as free masturbation aids.

How do I avoid Prostitutes?[edit]

In Rochdale? You can't. Her Majesty's government is so desperate to get her hands on foreign money, some will even take Euro.

How to get to Rochdale[edit]

Rochdale is about 90 minutes from Manchester International Airport, which has its own railway station. The ticket, known as a Rail Ranger costs £3.50 (about $7 US or €5) per day for adults, £1.75 per day for children under 16, and free for accompanied children under 5 (2007). Rochdale Railway station is the red dot on the map of the main Rochdale Prostitution Toleration Zone (above).

One of Rochdale's better prostitutes

The last train back to Manchester International Airport is at 2352, 11.52pm if you're American, but check with National Rail Enquiries. Notice we can spell check sensibly, but only when its suits us. You can drive to Rochdale, using your sat nav and this useless Google interactive map thingy.

How do I get out of Rochdale?[edit]

That can be a problem, but thankfuly, it's your problem.

Any male prostitutes in Rochdale?[edit]

The Royal Mail will do whatever Attorney Rod Dadak tells them to do. The British word for Attorney is solicitor.

Any other prostitutes in Rochdale?[edit]

Do you mean Selecta Showers on Dodgson Street? Unfortunately Selecta appears no longer to be in business, possibly owing to obeying too many instructions from Solicitor Rod Dadak. The Greater Manchester Police department, which covers Rochdale, are the best police that money can buy.

Selecta Showers Dodgson Street in Rochdale England

Then there's Rochdale Boroughwide Housing and the municipal authortiy Rochdale Metropolitan Borough Council, neither of whom are remotely savoury. Some of Rochdale's Social Workers boast of the sort of mendacity that would make even a Police Officer blush. If that does not turn a women into a heroin addict and drive her to prostitution, then what will?

Price of prostitutes in Rochdale[edit]

On 11 June 2007 the charge was £20, about €28 or $40US.

Forty bucks to poke some limey slag?[edit]

Ugly, fat, heroin addicted, disease ridden, foul mouthed, limey slag, if you don't mind.

How do I get it for free?[edit]

Threaten them with a Social Worker.

Is Rochdale prostitution a joke?[edit]

International prostitution logo

It is 100% true. Quite why they leave clothes at that corner near the main A671 Oldham Road is a mystery to me.

Rochdale Metropolitan Borough Council Social Workers liaise closely with the heroin trade, to facilitate a plentiful supply of world class prostitutes at Third World prices, to meet your every need.

Freebee[edit]

Prostitution services are free to anyone who threatens a Rochdale prostitute with a Social Worker.

Why do women practice prostitution?[edit]

It's a way of making ends meet.

Famous prostitutes[edit]

How do we stop the circus of prostitution?[edit]

Go for the juggler.

See also[edit]

Gorillatrans.gif HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Chatting up a woman[edit]

Chatting up a woman is no easy task, unless you know how.

How it's done[edit]

Women like tragedy

Women like tragedy. Tell her you only have one liver. What would they know?

They prefer the simple things in life, such as men, so you have a head start. Women are easily impressed with chat, so pretend you can speak French. The following is guaranteed 100% successful.

  • "Avec vous blow jobs?"

She will respond,

  • "Oh you silver tongued cavalier, I'll have to ask mother."

Problem solved.

Night Clubbing[edit]

Spill a very small amount of something pathetic, like lemonade, on her. Apologize profusely about the mess on her clothes, then apologize profusely again, and finish with, "I am so sorry. You're going to have to let me help you out of those dreadful clothes."

Do not try this if she's sitting down. If you do, she'll slide off her seat.

Female Humour[edit]

Female humour does not get beyond word play. The following will leave her in creases.

An hilarious female joke I[edit]

A British virgin
because she can run faster than her uncle
  • A bear goes into a bar, the barman asks "what would you like?"
  • The bear replies, "oh, err, umm, well, I, err, think, oh, err, I see, do you, what about, do you think I could have a pint of beer please?"
  • The barman replies, "so what's with the big pause?"


Now, to you and me, perhaps even an American, this needs no explanation. Don't tell it to a woman, tell it to a man, when a women just happens to be between.

By this you will learn:

  • She is listening, using her multi-tasking abilities, and you can't say anything without her knowing.
  • To her, the above is not only the funniest thing she's ever heard, but even requires explanation.


An hilarious female joke II[edit]

  • How do you close a circus?
  • Go for the juggler.

Don't try anything cleverer, they don't get it.

How not to chat up women[edit]

On the whole, the following are useless:

  • "How would you like a length of this up your passage?"

Carpet salesmen with a faulty zip should avoid this, as should everyone else.

  • "Your slip is showing."

So is yours.

How to chat up a man[edit]

Join the Hurlingham Club. It's like a row of tents round there - full of judges wearing wigs and tights.

See also[edit]


Fat man.jpg
   v  d  e
Fundamental Stereotypes
Adults | African Americans | Americans | Aspies | Armenians | Australians | Babies | Basement-dwellers | Beatniks | Blexicans | Bros | Bronies | Blacks | Blondes | Boys | Brazilians | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Children | Christians | Communists | Corpses | Dead people | Dolphins | Douches | Dummies | Elves | Emos | Extremely Ugly People | Fantards | Fascists | Fat People | Feminists | Flying Gypsies | Foreigners | French | Frisians | Furries | Gays | Germans | Ghosts | Girls | Gnomes | Heroes | Hindus | Hippies | Hipsters | Hispanics | Humans | Idiots | Indians | Irish | Italians | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | KKK | Lesbos | Men | Mermaids | Metalheads | Metrosexuals | Midgets | Minsters | Moldovans | Mormons | Mudripper | Muslims | Native Americans | Nazis | Nerds | Niggles | Ninjas | N00bs | Nuns | Ninja Pirates | New Yorkers | Old people | Pagans | Perverts | Pikeys | Pimps | Pirates | Platypuses | Poles | Preggos | Poor people | Politicians | Preps | Psychics | Redheads | Rednecks | Retards | Rich people | Romanians | Russians | Satanists | Scarecrows | Scots | Southern People | Teenagers | Thieves | Transsexuals | Trolls | Toddlers | Tourettes People | Trekkies | Vegetarians | Whites | Wiccans | Wiggers | Wookiees | Women | Yuppies | You | Zionists | Zombies

Aer Lingus[edit]



NOT a flying penis, but an
Aer Lingus Airbus A330-300 departing Dublin
Not merging Cunard Line

Rumours[edit]

Rumors of a merger involving Cunard and the Irish airline, Aer Lingus, which would give the merged company dominance of international travel both by air and sea have been denied.

Warning[edit]

Therefore, the directors of both Cun & Lingus have announced,
anyone submitting suggestions for the name of the merged company, will be prosecuted.

German graphic of Titanic going down at night
the nearest any Kraut gets to sinking a British ship
Cunard's ship Titanic
before she went down off Ireland

Taking the piss[edit]

"There is no doubt," said the current Chief Executive of Aer Lingus, Dermot Mannion, "that the German film about The Titanic, In Nacht und Eis (In the night and ice) is utter crap, and the graphics even worse, but we're not going down on the road of mer - oh sheiße - we have no intention of merging with Cunard Line simply because we hate the Krauts. Everyone hates the fucking Krauts, almost as much as the bloody English."

Later the Aer Lingus CEO admitted he had been offered a golden handshake if he manages to get Cunard's share price to go down on the stock market enough for him to buy, and if he fails to erect a thrusting new ship and air company, a golden shower.

Cunilinguslogo.svg.png

New CunLingus travel plans[edit]


Everyone knows The Earth is a woman, said CEO Mr. Dermot Mannion, looking at a map of the Grand Canyon. He said for customers who wanted to go down on Mother Earth, he planned a fleet of something long, hard, cylindrical, and full of sea men: submarines. For adventurous hot weather travelers, the ship of the desert: a camel, full of Arab sea men.

Rhubarb[edit]

Long & thin, covered in skin, red in parts, and stuffed in tarts.

Ireland[edit]

Chairman of Aer Lingus, John Sharman, commented, "I do not think Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats, or an apartment block or even ein ApartmentHaus." Asked if his condom machines still demanded Johnny Cash, Chairman Sharman told us to "feck off." Chairman Sharman came unstuck when he tried to blow up our car. He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A sexual airline[edit]


Aer Lingus "does not advocate circumcision"


President & Managing Director of Cunard Line, Miss Caroline Marlow, said, "oh god, yes, yes, yes, don't stop." She promised Aer Lingus Congratulations if they manage to buy-out Cunard, and threatened them with the rest of Cliff Richard's records if they fail.

See Also[edit]