User:Romartus/Herod Antipas

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“...but Jesus..can you walk on custard too ?”


- The Private Diaries of Herod Antipas

“..I rated Salome's dance an 8. What about you Bruno ?”


- Dancing With The Jews

“...Bother..bother...bothersome Nazarenes.”


- Transcript from The Trial of Jesus of Nazareth and Other Assorted Love Songs

“...I am stoned..pass me another rock to chuck at the heretic..”


- Pope Benedict XVI

Herod 'Pastry Face' Antipas , Tetris of Galilee and the fat bloke whose tongue hung out of his head when Salome did her dirty dancing routine to acquire the hairy noggin of John the Baptist, was actually a really funny guy. He is best known for his joke when meeting Jesus at a swimming pool party about whether the Christian celebrity could levitate over a hot tub full of pagan babes. Later on Herod acted as one of judges in the X Factorum final which saw Jesus lose out to Barrabas. Herod later on blamed Simon-Called-Bastard for that particular result.

Split Three Ways[edit]

Herod Antipas grew up in an unusual household where you didn't know if your father was going to provide you with love or instant death. Herod the Great was perhaps one of those people who wasn't really suited to be a dad . A homicidal dad yes - a father no. Perhaps it isn't surprising that in his own later life Herod had no interest in starting his own family, perhaps he feared he would kill his own children if that happened.

When Herod the Great died in around 4 BC , the surviving members of the family were brought together for the reading of the will by their auntie Salome. When she opened the box to read her brother's will, she was surprised to see Herod the Great had written about six different wills. Only this one seemed to make sense:-

*Herod Archelaus: My socks. *Herod Antipas: My best socks. *Herod Herod. High Priest Job and Keys to the Smallest Room at the Temple. *Herod Philip. Ermmm...who was he again ? *Herod Agrippa. The royal playpen. and so on. The final provision was if no one could agree on the carve up, Herod would leave his territories to a sanctuary for clapped out donkeys in Tyre.

Not unexpectedly, there was fist fight and the throwing of expensive plates. Salome eventually told everyone to calm down and told them all to sod off to Rome and let Emperor Augustus to decide on this. Herod Antipas was pretty sure his elder brother Herod Archelaus had tried to fix the succession and chose to go in his own vessel to Rome. The feuding brothers did agree to take Herod Agrippa, Herod Chalky Face and their sister Herodias with them as these were the children of their late half brother Aristobolus and possible rivals to their own claims.

No Wanted In Jerusalem[edit]

John the Baptist[edit]

Dance for Your New Daddy[edit]

Bothersome Nazarenes[edit]

Jesus Ruins My Jerusalem Holiday[edit]

Herod Agrippa, Bastard ![edit]

Sacked and Exiled on the Costa Del Gaul[edit]

Death and Legacy[edit]