User:Staircase/UnBooks:The Diary of an Eight-Year-Old Vampire

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August 14, 2000[edit]

Dear ______,

This is my first entry! I still haven't got a name for you yet, but don't worry! I'll come up with something for you. Well, by tomorrow I should have a good name for you. Speaking of which, let me introduce myself.
This is my passion. Sort of.
My name is Bond, James Bond. Haha just kidding! My name is really Calvin Donahue and I'm eight. I live somewhere, I don't really remember where, it's called Lost Angels or somethin funny. However, I like to play things like games and ESPECIALLY GOLF. Golf is so much fun! I get to take a really long stick and whack a ball with it. My dad says you have to hit it in some sort of hole, but I don't really care I want to hit the ball really hard! Also, besides golf, I like to play with G.I. Joe toys. They are fun!
Uh oh, my dad is yelling a lot of bad things and hitting my mom with a bat. That usually means I have to go to bed. I'll talk tomorrow!
With love,
Calvin

August 15, 2000[edit]

Dear ______,

I still haven't come up with a good name for you. Usually I'm good at naming things, like with my G.I. Joes I gave them all new names because the one's that came on the box were bad. I gave the good names like "Chuck", "Klyde" and "William", instead of their dumb ones like "cobra". Every knows cobras are lame! Anyhow, I should have a name for you by tomorrow.
As for today, I did a whole bunch of fun stuff. First, I went to school. Even though I am eight, I am still in preschool. My teacher says "I am not ready yet", but then my dad tells me she's just trying to say I'm a dumbass. Anyhow, today we made paper projects. We had to draw pictures, or we would get whip lashed. It is no fun getting whip lashed. So for my picture I drew a man digging up dead bodies that were covered in blood. He was wearing a cape and biting their necks. His name was "Draculus". I showed it to the teacher, she said it was inspirational and had a good story behind it. However, she said this while stumbling around the room with a bottle of what looked like fizzy pee in her hands. She smelled bad. Well, dad's home, and he smells like the teacher and is yelling a lot. Better go to bed before he beats me like he beats mom.
Lots o' love,
Calvin

August 17, 2000[edit]

Dear Shithead,

Do you like your name? My dad called me that last night when he came home so I assume it is a good thing. Then he took off his belt and hit me with it several times. I think he did that because I didn't brush my teeth. I will make sure to do that every day now, cause getting hit with a belt is not fun.
School! It was fun. This time, instead of stumbling around, my teacher was sitting at her desk. Her eyes were all red and there was white powder all over her desk. She didn't say anything, in fact, she was hardly moving, so everyone was running around having fun. But then someone started a fire, which burned down half the school. I think it was Todd. But we got to leave school early from it! Then I went and played golf with myself. I hit the ball almost ten feet! It was so fun! Then I hit one and it broke some old man's window. He started chasing me around, but he had polio and couldn't move very well. The whole time he said "Get back here, you little fuck! I whack you across the head with my lead pipe!". It was fun because he could not catch me. Then I picked up an orange and threw it at him. It hit him in the face. He fell over and stopped moving and breathing. Then I walked away. That was all for today.
Sincerely,
Calvin

August 20, 2000[edit]

Dear Shithead,

Today at school was different. We were playing smear the queer, so naturally everyone was chasing me because I'm strangely attracted to men. They were also throwing rotten tomatoes at me. Anyway, I was running around so that they wouldn't kill me, then I tripped. My knee got all bloody. Everybody was staring at my knee. Then somebody from the back of the crowd yelled "Lick it!". I did so, and everybody said "yek". But it did taste good.
When I got home something was different. A window was smashed, and our TV was gone. It didn't occur to me immediately, but Santa must have come! It was kind of strange how he didn't go down through the chimney, but whatever. Also, he didn't leave any presents. Maybe because I didn't leave him cookies. That sucked. But then my dad came home and started yelling a lot, and then he was about to whip me with his belt until the police came to investigate our house. Then he started acting all happy and nice and he started calling me "son". Usually he calls me a cunt or shithead. That was strange.
From,
Calvin

August 21, 2000[edit]

Dear Shithead,

No school today! It was so much fun because I got to play with my G.I. Joes and play golf! First I went out with my G.I. Joes and palyed with them. Carl blew up Klyde with his Ray gun. But then William found a bucket of C4 explosives. He shaped it to look like a pile of cash, set it up for the next innocent bystander, and blew the hell out of him. He actually did this. Now Chuck is gone. That is too bad. He was my second favorite.
But then I got to play golf!!!!! I hit the ball and it went about thirty feet. It was so great! Then I hit the ball into the freeway. I went after it so I could hit it again, so all of these cars started screeching and crashing. I hit the ball of the road, and my golf club consequently exploded into several pieces. I don't really care, I have two others. Then I walked off, and everybody was cussing at me.
Then it was dinner time. My mom said she didn't want to cook. I told her I was really hungry, so she took the shotgun and shot one of the nieghbor's cows. Then she cut of it's leg and put it on my plate. She said "eat up, you stupid shit. You're just like your father." I ate it, and the blood tasted really good. I wanted seconds.
Truly yours,
Calvin

August 25, 2009[edit]

Dear Shithead,

Today I looked in the mirror and my teeth were pointy. It was very very strange. So then I went to school. I had the incredible urge for blood, so after school I took one of the school's chickens and snapped it's neck. Then I bit it and sucked out it's blood. It was delicious.
Also, I got a cape today. Other than that, no important events.
Of course,
Calvin

August 28, 2009[edit]

Dear Shithead,

You know that cow my mom shot? Well, everyday I go over there and suck up some it's blood. Also, at school people are always looking at me. I don't know why, maybe becasue I decided not to wear any pants. My friends always ask "Where are your pants? I mean that's jus-- OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HIS TEETH! THEY'RE ALL BLOODY AND SHARP!". I don't really know what they're trying to say, but it must not be nice, because now everyone stays away from me.
But when I get home my dad is usually stumbling around now. It smells like burning plants in my house a lot, too. But that is cool because it is soothing and makes me feel good. Then when that was done I went and played with my G.I. Joes. I had the incredible urge for blood again, so I took a bite at one of my G.I. Joes. I was quite disappointed; he had no blood. Then I tried to glue his head back on so I could use im again, but I couldn't. Good bye William.
I want blood,
Calvin