User:Tagstit/Unbooks:Dairy of a Monkey Lover
There I was, laying half dead in the forest. What had my life become? I had gone from a decent family man, to a sick pervert. A monkey pervert. I went out to the forest because I thought I was missing something, and I found true love in someone unexpected, but it was all for nothing. This is a true account of all the events leading up to this moment. And although it is a tragedy, I feel there is much to be learned.
Chapter 1: Finding Myself
Something in my life had always been missing. I went out on this retreat because I hoped to find that something. For a long time I had been thinking what could have possibly been wrong? I had everything going for me. I was a semi-handsome thirty year old man. I had two kids both healthy and pleasant. I even had a steady job as a lawyer. What could be missing?
So a few weeks ago I decided to place blame for my sense of emptiness and sources outside the material world. In the spiritual world. So, being a, well, not so practicing Chrisitan, I went to my local Church. The priest wasn't busy and had a quick word with me. "Good evening" I began, "it has been a while.
The priest laughed slightly, "Yes, so what seems to be your problem?" I explained to him my situation and he responded, "How interesting. Well what I suggest is that you try to connect more with your religious side. You need to realize that there is a connection you need to find with your spiritual side in order to be truely virteous, and therefore whole." What the fuck does that even mean? Religion HAD to be the reason I was so unhappy, because I simply didn't understand mine. I decided to go through a series of retreats for different religions.
I went to a Jewish retreat, a Muslim mass, some place where Buddhists were, and I even tried a Satanic worship place. None fit me. I finally found what I was looking for when I went to a small retreat out in Africa for some weird religious group. But it wasn't religion I found, no not at all. In fact, it was something completely different.
Chapter 2: Lost
When I went out to Africa to experience a new religion, I thought it would be a completely normal experience, but what it turned out to be was something completely new! It was a bunch of old people in underwear yelling random jibberish and cutting off chunks of their own skin.
I was nervous but I bared through it until they all started commiting suicide. So one night, before it was my turn to kill myself, I snuck away and ran as far from the tribe as I could. It was late and I couldn't find any sign of civilization. Eventually I ran so far that for some reason I couldn't see the moon or clouds and the ground became soft and leafy. But then suddenly, I tripped on something I couldn't see on the floor, and I passed out.
When I woke up sometime later, I found myself in a jungle. It was very warm and smelt like...trees. I had no idea where I was and decided to walk around for a bit. There were many monkey noises and bird screeches and I felt very whole, but not complete yet. Then, out of nowhere, a chimp jumped out of a tree. Just a chimp. Leaning on its arms and standing with a slight bend. It was very pleasant and came up to me.
I thought it would just move along and not be special to me at all, until it came up to me, and touched my hand and looked up and grinned at me. Just a cute smile and it was then, and only then, my heart felt completely whole, and I knew this monkey was something special.
Chapter 3: True Love
A strong connection was born and we went on a lovely date. She held my hand and took me around the jungle. She showed me the very edges of the forest. We splashed around in a spring, and watched bugs, she ate a few. Then we climbed up a tree, and she was way better than me, but she taught me how to climb easily. She laughed as a slipped a few times. I had decided to name her Matty.
Then I watched as Matty caught a cute young lion cub and bashed its head into a rock. She then used the rock and opened it up before treated me to a cold lion feast. I didn't particularly care for it, but I didn't want her to feel bad so I ate it anyways.
Next, we walked to a place where many flowers were growing. They were numorous and beautiful, but not as beautiful as my flower. As we were sitting among them, I picked one, and gave it to her. Matty smiled and giggled a little, or the monkey equivalent of a giggle, which actually scared me at first, then I was alright. Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek, or the monkey equivalent of a kiss, which is actually quite gross, but I got over it.
When it was time for Matty to go, I walked her to her tree, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek before smiling and climbing up her tree. And I watched her until she disappeared into the trees.
Chapter 4: Monkey Business
When Matty left and I was certain no one was around to see me, I spun around for a bit and danced around the trees. I had never felt more happy in my entire life. I had found what I had been looking for, and life simply couldn't be better. I decided to find some brush to lay amongst for the night and I walked around for a bit. I came to the pond where Matty and I had swam. There, I found another monkey. But it didn't notice me.
I watched in awe as I saw this beautiful monkey splash around. It was hot, sexy, beautiful. I couldn't take my eyes away. I wanted to jump in and splash around with her. But I didn't want to mess things up with me and Matty so I decided to just watch. All of a sudden though, I got a massive boner. I couldn't control myself. Then, she came out of the water and walked towards me. She did a sexy strut and the water was dripping off her glorious hair. She grabbed me and wrapped her legs around me. She screeched monkey sounds and got really rough. She then got off and led me to a treetop. Then, we performed things that shall go unexplained, because everyone I have told so far has thrown up. Except for my dad; he seemed to really enjoy this part and ran to the bathroom before I could finish.
Chapter 5: Complications
I woke up the next day and when I opened my eyes, I was staring at a sleeping monkey. I spazzed and almost fell off the branch before I realized where I was. Everything last night I could remember perfectly and it was wonderful, but I felt so dirty. I was in a commited relationship with Matty, I couldn't go monkeying around like this. I didn't even name this monkey! I quickly named her Stacy. Then, I decided it would be best to just leave without a word. So I tried sneaking out of the tree without waking her up. I was just starting to climb down when I heard a screech behind me. It was Stacy, looking very confused. Well at first she was confused, then she understood what I was doing and got angry. She started going ballistic and screeching and jumping up and down.
I paniced and stopped. She did a loud call and I didn't understand what it was for, but then suddenly I saw what it was doing. Down on the ground, I saw a gorilla, a fucking gorilla! He ran to the tree, and he stopped at it then started climbing it. He got to where we were and I prepared for my death. I closed my eyes and braced myself but the gorilla ran past me and ignored me. He and Stacy screeched at each other for a bit and then she pointed at me. He turned around very angry and started beating his chest. He charged me.
I jumped out of the tree grabbed a vine and swung down. The gorilla simply jumped right behind me as I ran. I kept running as fast as I can to Matty's tree. There I might be safe. The gorilla was catching up to me amazingly fast, I was done for. Then all of a sudden, a hand grabbed me out of nowhere and pulled me up a tree to safety. The gorilla didn't see where I went and ran around looking for me. I looked back around to see what pulled me up. It was a very old looking monkey. He was sitting on a branch that was propped up and was a sort of chair. There was another facing him which I took. Behind him, I saw Matty sitting down. The old monkey stared at me for a while before beginning.
"Ooh Oooh AH" he pointed at Matty. When he realized I had no clue what I was talking about, he used hand motions and I think he was asking, "What are your intentions with my daughter?"
I didn't have time for this! I had to make sure the gorilla wasn't after me! I checked around and didn't see the gorilla, so I decided to answer. I had no idea how to respond though, so I just answered, "Ooh OooH Ah Oh Ah". I must've said something bad because the old monkey stood up and gave me an open palm slap across the face. I stammered quickly trying to come up with something else, "Aah Aaah Oh Ah Oh". He stared at me, and gently nodded his head. I said something good. He asked me other things and I answered them as best I could. I did get slapped a few more times though. After that though, he let Matty and I go down, and we went on our second date.
Chapter 6: Second Date
Matty again held my hand, and took me to some of the familiar spots. We went to see the flowers again and I gave her a bunch of flowers. She put one in her hair and looked adorable. Then we went to the treetops. She taught me to swing among the vines and climb around trees easier.
Then we decided to eat some fruit. She brought an assortment, mostly bananas. She took off the peel and ate them in one bite. It looked like she was deep throating them and I thought it was really hot. She smiled then took me to meet some of her monkey friends. They all liked me. Or they seemed to, they were picking flies off of me and eating them while hugging me. I didn't mind. After Matty showed me alot of them, she looked around confused, like one was missing. She decided to go look for her missing friend.
We walked around to familiar spots and didn't find her. We ended up going to the pool where we first swam and where I saw Stacy. I quickly hid behind a tree as I saw Stacy again bathing in the pool.
Matty kept walking and gave a hug to Stacy. Apparantly they were friends! They screeched for a while before Matty noticed I was missing. She walked behind the tree and tugged at me and motioned for me to follow. When I didn't she got confused. She tugged harder and finally forced me out from behind it. She pointed at me and Stacy went from happy to angry.
Stacy screeched a few times at me and Matty looked very confused. Stacy kept screeching at me, then started screeching to Matty. I think she was telling Matty what we did because Matty went from looking confused to worried. Stacy kept screeching, then stopped and turned around angrily, crossing her arms snootily.
Matty looked at me very sadly, "Ooh Ah oh?" she said very sadly.
"No! No!" I began, then I realized even if I had an explanation, I couldn't explain it to her. Matty turned around sadly, and walked away. I think she was crying, or the monkey equivalent of crying, which is actually quite scary, but I didn't care.
Chapter 7: Patching Up a Broken Heart
My heart had broken in two, and I felt horrible. I followed after her, but she started running. I chased after her. She turned a corner and before I could see where she went, I lost her. I decided that I had blown it. My one true love had come and gone. It was all over. I went into depression. I decided to take a walk around the places we had gone.
I went to the place where all the flowers grew, and I twiddled one in my hand. Then I went and sat on a tree top and ate a banana, all alone. Then I went to the pond and stared at my reflection. This had been the saddest moments of my life. We could've gotten married. Started a family. Have some kids and grow old together, but now that was all ruined. no, it couldn't be. It simply couldn't be over! Not yet! I would have to go tell her I am sorry. Tell her how I truely feel.
I ran quickly to her tree and climbed up it. I shook the branch (monkey equivalent of knocking on the door, which actually is quite dangerous but it works for them) and she looked at me. Long and fierce. I decided to try and say a few things. "Ohh..Ahh, Ooh Ahh OOh Ah Oh AAh AHh Oh," I firmly stated. There was a moment of silence. She turned around, before screeching really loud and charging me. She pushed me off the tree and I fell on the ground really hard. I couldn't get up. She jumped on the ground and dragged my body to a rock. She grabbed my head and started slamming it into the rock. I must've said something really bad! And now she is trying to kill me! But right before all consciousness was lost, she stopped, pooped on me, and climbed back up the tree.
What had my life become? I was a wreck! I lay here now about to die, when I had a family and a good job. Then I come out here and screw it all up. I am a total wreck. I mean I have MAJOR problems. Seriously, who the hell gets turned on by a monkey eating a banana, and imagines it deep throating it. Wow. Well that's it. That is the story of my death. I had a good life, as twisted as it may seem, but I die semi-content. Well...what is that? Oh I hear something. Is that a gorilla? Oh its Stacys gorilla coming to finish the job! Oh crap! What is he doing? He just flipped me over! Ahh! NO! He is raping me! AHHH! OOOWWW! Damn gorillas have big dicks. Passes out and dies.