User:The-elementalist/Edward Fingerhands

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Edward Fingerhands is a highly successful film that follows the tragic life of Edward Fingerhands, who was born with the horrible condition fingeritis, where the victim is born with fingers on their hands.


When the local neighbourhood happy pill dealer Peg doesn't make any profits from her weeks supply, she goes up to the tallest room in the tallest building at the castle at the top of the hill. This is where she meets Edward. She then feels sorry for the poor guy and takes him back to her house in the suburbs.

After spending some time at Peg's house, he begins to fall in love with her teenage daughter Kim. Although Kim is initially frightened of Edward, she begins to fall in love with him as well.

The neighbourhood, initially thrilled by what he can do with his hands, become frightened of him and shun him. The only person who is really still on his side is Kim. Around Christmas time, Edward makes amazing sculptures with his hands, arousing Kim (it is never revealed why this is so). After the two 'make love', Kim ex-boyfriend Richard Cranium says she is a slut. This enrages Edward, and hence, causes him to go on a murderous killing spree.

Edward then runs off back to his house on the hill, and exiles himself from the town. Kim, to make the town think he's dead, runs down the hill with one of his hand's on her shoulder screaming 'Get if off me! GET IT OFF ME!!!'


Edward Fingerhands shown with his horrible condition

Edward Fingerhands - A shy man, with fingeritis, a horrible birth condition. Although he is of much interest to some of the females in the story, his one true love is Kim. Although that murder spree kind of made them drift apart.

Peg Biggs - The mother of Kim, and 'adopter' of Edward, she sells many illegal drugs in her neighbourhood. Her husband died in a very ironic way, by means of drug overdose.

Kim Biggs - Daughter of Edward, who's gradual lust for him inevitably results in her losing her virginity to him.

Richard Cranium - A man with little grey matter despite his name, he is Kim's ex, not to mention a jerk. Murdered by Edward.


Johnny Depp after his drug addiction

After it's original screening, Edward Fingerhands had quite a substantial following, with 90% of the sample group giving it a rating of 4 stars or greater.

The remaining 10% died from shock after seeing such a horrible condition.

After nearly 3 weeks at the box office, it was estimated that it made approximately $US50.8 Million. However, due to legal red tape, the producers had to pay insurance to those who had received trauma from seeing this (quote from one victim) 'horribly graphic film'.

The film also had adverse effects on one particular crew member, Johnny Depp, who played Edward Fingerhands.

“Seeing my damn hot body on screen like that was way too much”

~ Johnny Depp on seeing his body in Edward Fingerhands

He then subsequently took drugs, and ended up looking like this (see image on right).


A small line of Edward Fingerhands toys were released, however were recalled almost straight away after there were calls that the toys would 'scare the living shit out of children'.

See Also[edit]