“In Soviet Russia, tree humps YOU!!”
Dendrophilia is the extremely natural sexual attraction towards trees. This includes both gymnosperms and angiosperms. Some dendrophiles are also attracted to bryophytes; however, this symptom is less frequent. Although the term is defined this way, some dendrologists suggest that this attraction is not limited to trees, but can include tree products and any sort of wood in general. Dendrophiles have, in fact, even been known to attempt to make love to houses, books (especially those about trees), and even bottles of maple syrup, all of which are produced from trees. Some dendrophiles even find themselves attracted to other plants such as shrubs and bushes (not to be confused with Bushes), or even small foliage like grasses and mosses. Needless to say, many of such dendrophiles find themselves aroused whilst simultaneously offended when served salad.
Dendrophiles are observable in their own natural habitat in national parks during nocturnal flights of fancy.
Dendrophilia is not to be confused with mycophilia, the sexual attraction towards fungi; unlike mycophilia, dendrophilia is a genuine paraphilia, while mycophilia is just a disgusting perversion of loonies who find repulsive things such as mushrooms attractive. In fact, many mycophiles are psychopaths who enjoy exposing themselves in public, and brainwashing children to do the same.
Mating with a tree is rather complicated for dendrophiles; so complicated that no one has ever quite figured it out. Because trees do not expect to some day have sex with a human, they rarely have any sort of orifice in their body that would work properly in the act of fornication with a man. However, female dendrophiles have had much more success in mating with trees. The children produced are ghastly.
Male homosexuals, though, enjoy moderate success mating with trees. However, trees do not often give the reach-around, which has been an issue with their partners.
Oftentimes, a dendrophile will claim saplings as his or her own offspring. These are often hideously ugly, though, and tend not to be capable of sexual reproduction. However, such mating has produced a race of trees now called "Ents", which banded together to destroy the evil forces of Isengard and capture Saruman during the war for Middle-earth.
Although spread widely amongst various groups of people, dendrophilia is particularly common amongst hippies, who are known for their great desire to hug as many trees as possible.
Despite that some lumberjacks hate dendrophiles, most are themselves dendrophiles to the highest degree. In fact, if they were not dendrophiles, they would probably never have become a lumberjack in the first place, as many men find it extremely difficult to spend years on end in a forest with only the manliest of transvestites. Some experts say that isolation in the forest is, in fact, the factor that causes the lumberjacks to have sexual attractions towards trees, as opposed to the attraction of trees causing them to isolate themselves in the forest. However, lumberjacks have the highest prevalence of dendrophilia, even above that of hippies.
Humans are amongst the few species known to harbor attractions towards trees. Woodpeckers also seem to enjoy banging their heads against trees a lot, from which they evidently receive some sort of masochistic pleasure. Other species, such as dogs, however, tend to revile trees, spending a vast majority of their time urinating on them.
The causes of dendrophilia remain largely unknown. Many think its causes to be genetic because it has been observed in organisms other than humans. As such, billions of dollars have been put towards funding research to find the gene responsible so it can be destroyed so nobody has to deal with tree-huggers. Fortunately, the geneticists involved are themselves dendrophiles who spend their whole time fornicating with trees and working to grow the sexiest trees ever. The government does not know about this. You saw nothing.
However, some insist that dendrophilia is a choice; particularly, the choice of Satanists and demons and other evil beings who, when confronted with a nice, sexy oak, violate it through all hours of the night. However erotic the image of such an idea is, the idea that dendrophilia is a choice is a misconception. One does not simply choose to find trees and the thought of demons humping them erotic; the trees are already themselves arousing, and to not find them so makes one mentally insane.
Others believe dendrophiles are merely very horny.
The concentration of body hair has been suggested as a factor that enters into dendrophilia. Both hippies and lumberjacks, lacking either a razor or the inclination to use one, have excessive amounts of body hair. This is generally considered a repulsive trait amongst humans. Unfortunately, because of trees' unwillingness to share that sort of private information, no one knew if they too considered body hair repulsive. However, two scientists came up with a brilliant idea to prove trees liked humans with body hair. They exposed (pun intended) a series of hippies to random trees in a park and measured the sexual arousal of each individual tree according to the hardness of its trunk. Next, the scientists exposed the same trees to pornographic magazines depicting sexy trees posing in lingerie and engaging in sexual intercourse with each other. The hardness of the trees was found to be exactly the same for both tests. The results astounded scientists until they realized it didn't prove anything more than trees find hippies attractive.
Then some guy said that it was more likely that dendrophiles are generally hairy because the only organisms on Earth with which they could fornicate (trees) are incapable of refusing to do so. This pissed off many dendrologists, as they were experts in trees but had never thought of that before. Shortly thereafter, a mob of angry dendrologists chased down and lynched him, because no one likes a smart-aleck.
In society, the average dendrophile is looked upon as a dirty, disgusting pervert, along with other disgusting people like corpse-humpers and fungus-lovers. Those damned fungus-lovers... Of course, dendrophiles object to being grouped with such perverts, particularly those sick bastards who adore fungi... Ahem. Nevertheless, the majority finds no problem with persecuting such poor people who only want to be understood.
As a group, dendrophiles often receive threats, particularly from logging companies, and are commonly subjected to violent attacks. Some people say that dendrophilia is merely women attempting to impress men by fornicating with a tree, which is a strong turn-on for many (for some reason they cannot explain).
Others look even worse upon dendrophilia, calling it "unnatural" and "immoral", not to mention stating it to be banned in the Bible as well as the Official Lumberjack Manual (though this does not prevent some lumberjacks from making love to trees before cutting them down). Groups such as the Westboro Baptist Church speak openly against sex with trees and often arrange anti "tree hugging hippy" parades, both of which, like all of their actions, get rather annoying very quickly. Even camps and facilities exist where dendrophiles are told they’re going to Hell unless they cooperate and become homosexuals (people attracted to other humans) like every God-loving Christian. Use of the term "homosexual", however, often causes great confusion amongst many dendrophiles in attendance that results in gay people (who were not, in fact, very happy, despite the term).
These views have led to many dendrophiles hiding their attractions from even their closest friends and family members out of fear of being disowned, or worse, forced to marry a fungus. Bloody fungus...
With recent publicity for dendrophilia, the United States has passed a constitutional amendment that prevents any dendrophile from marrying what they love so dearly. Even the act of sex with a tree is looked down upon as "rather strange" and "not very normal". Many dendrophiles find themselves arrested for attempting to make love to their partner in her natural habitat or public parks.
The movie trilogy Lord of the Rings is commonly persecuted as "dendrophile pornography" because it features giant, talking trees who don't wear clothes. Documentaries about trees are also subject to attacks from anti-dendrophilia groups for the same reasons. Both are banned in many countries.
Evil Nature in Trees
A common argument against dendrophilia is that trees are very evil organisms that corrupt the youth with their ideas of sexual orientation. Such evidence to support this argument includes a Harry Potter book and the movie Evil Dead. However, this evidence is fairly unstable. For instance, the evil trees in Harry Potter have been corrupted by magic, which, although common in the modern world, rarely, if ever, is practiced around trees except by the occasional group of stoned hippies. Most trees maintain a relatively stationary life. In addition, trees do not particularly enjoy flying cars crashing into their branches. More or less, they become pissed and start destroying things. Most often, the first thing wrecked is the offending vehicle.
Incidents of trees raping humans are exceedingly rare and often involve the reading of the Necronomicon, a demonic book advised not to be read aloud unless one really enjoys having their soul devoured. Most trees are not like this. Very few trees have been known to rape humans, and those that do often apologize afterwards and send a get well card and some flowers. Most people do not respond well to this and begin to hate trees for the rest of their lives.