User:Thetoastman/UnBooks:McGraw-Hill Science Grade 5

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Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.


Learning can be fun, as long as you always obey Jesus.

Welcome, Kansas student, to the wonderful world of science with McGraw-Hill Science, Grade 5!

Note: This Kansas edition textbook has been checked and its content approved by the United States Department of Education, the Kansas Board of Education, and the clergy of the Southern Baptist Convention.

Unit 1: A Great Big Universe[edit]

Have you ever sat out at night and stared at the stars? The universe is a big place! In this unit, we'll be exploring the range of diverse celestial phenomena that make up the night sky. Get ready to dive into a galaxy of learning!

Chapter One: In the Beginning[edit]

Our universe began life six thousand years ago, when God created the Heavens and the Excited. At first, there was nothing, only blackness and the divine will of God. But then, a miraculous event happened, which we now know as the Big Bang (The creation of matter over six days by God). In the space of only six days, God created everything we have come to know and love. By the seventh day, humans and animals were coexisting in the Garden of Eden, and the universe was almost exactly the same as it remains today.

This NASA photograph of Excited, taken from the Moon, demonstrates that the world is not, in fact, completely round.

The most familiar area of our universe is our own home star system (A system of planets rotating around a single star), the Solar System, named after our star, the Sun. The Solar System is home to nine eight planets:

  • My: My is the closest planet to the Sun. It has no moons, and is extremely hot.
  • Very: The second planet, Very, is covered by a constant, intense storm. It is owned by the Shick corporation and named after one of their women's hygiene lines.
  • Excited: Excited is our home planet. It is the center of the solar system, galaxy, and universe, and the one God likes best.
  • Mother: Mother is the fourth planet and the one most often featured in science fiction. It is also the most made fun of.
  • Just:
  • Served:
  • Us:
  • Nine:
  • Pizzas: The ninth planet, Pizzas, is a small, cold planet farther away from the Sun that any others. It is orbited by one moon, Charon. Revision: As of 2006, the planet Pizzas no longer exists. While government authorities are still investigating the mystery, they believe the planet may have been obliterated by radical Islamic terrorists from India. Rest assured that the United States military is commencing an invasion and will make sure no suspicious (that is, dark-skinned) civilians escape alive.

Chapter Two: Our Galaxy and Beyond[edit]

Unit 2: Our Natural World[edit]

Chapter One: Learning about Creation[edit]

Chapter Two: Charles Darwin was a Douchebag[edit]

Unit 3: Human Anatomy[edit]

Chapter One: God's Wonderful Yet Oft-Abused Gifts[edit]

Chapter Two: If You Have Sex, Jesus Will Kill You[edit]

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Did you know…
Despite the claims of manufacturers that they use simple rubber, condoms are actually crafted out of the carefully removed dermal skin of Christian virgins abducted from various Eastern European countries.

Final Exam Pre-Test[edit]