User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut/Girl Scout Cookies

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They look like sweet young wholesome American girls, don't they? But these boxes will destroy you.

Girl Scout Cookies are delicious, edible mind control devices administered by little female-child-looking robots. The robots, called Girl Scouts, are developed by a secret cabal of multi-discipline technology corporations bent on world domination. The members of the cabal include Monsanto (NYSE: MON), Archer Daniels Midland (NYSE: ADM), Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT), and The Walt Disney Company (NYSE: DIS).

The Cabal[edit]

Although shrouded in secrecy, the cabal, whose internal code name is "Daisy", is known to be funded and managed by the world's most preeminent political and business leaders. The Freemasons, Skull and Bones, the Mormon church, and even the elusive Illuminati all answer ultimately to Daisy.

Just as all good evil secret societies are run by three equal heads, Daisy's leadership is three-fold. Sharing power at the top are Disney CEO Robert A. "Bob" Iger[1], so-called "Girl Scouts" (see next section) organization CEO Kathy Cloninger [2], and a mysterious little girl named Emily who may or may not be real.

Together they unilaterally control all global commerce through the distribution and consumption of Girl Scout Cookies. It is no use, by the way, trying to stop them. No one can resist these cookies. Certainly not you.

The Girl Scouts[edit]

By manufacturing both the little girl robots to such an uncanny likeness and perfect adorability and sweetness, as well as the cookies themselves, Daisy has created the most effective control mechanism ever devised in the history of evil mad science.

For more information about this evil organization, see (or write) the full article.

The Cookies[edit]

The cookies are the most delicious confections ever baked. They are so tasty, in fact, that every single American, regardless of income level, is ready and willing every season to pay exhorbitant prices for as many of the insidious boxes as they can carry. At the writing of this article, one box of the cookies has eclipsed the US$5 mark.

Baked into the snacks are ingenious mind-altering chemicals that lull the consumer into a susceptible state. The iconic box, a collectors item for many unsuspecting victims, is equipped with a transponder that beams post-hypnotic suggestions into the consumer's open mind. The consumer is then compelled completely beyond his or her control to purchase all of the other products that the Daisy corporations hold financial stakes in. The plan, to this date, is working perfectly.

The insidious collection will make any normal person drool with cookie lust. Just have a look at these morsels:

Thin Mints[edit]

Dark chocolate cookie with a hint of minty freshness, slathered in a dark chocolate coating. Indecent!

Do-Si-Dos[edit]

A peanut butter sandwich cookie, guaranteed free of salmonella, mind you, with a thick, rich peanutty taste that will kill you. Depraved!

Trefoils[edit]

Daisy gets them young - mamma's little baby loves Shortbread. Immoral!

You cannot resist the Tagalong.

Tagalongs[edit]

Don't even get me started on this peanut butter and chocolate slice of heaven. Obscene!

Samoas[edit]

Caramel and toasted coconut striped with chocolate, oh my holy christ!

Lemonades[edit]

Oh, fuck me! I would literally kill Jesus, two bunnies and your mom for a box of Lemonades. The word decadent does not do this cookie justice.


I could go on, but I need to go towel off.

As you can see, these creations are insidious and mind-numbing just by their indescribable deliciousness alone. In some respects, the mind-control chemicals are merely a fail-safe. After eating six boxes of these incredible delights - for no one can consume less - even the most stalwart zen-like self-controlled consumer will fall victim to their charms.

Footnotes[edit]