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Hidden in shadows... and fat Americans.

Publisher O'Houlihan Books
First appearance 666 BCE
Created by Patches O'Houlihan
Real name Sugar MacMillan
Status Brain-fucked
Affiliations The UN, Stephen Hawkings, Gary's Cafe & Restaurant
Previous affiliations Jackie Chan, Yo Mama
Notable aliases The Entire Population of Devon
Notable relatives Coheed MacMillan, Cambria MacMillan and the rest of the band
Notable powers Talking through arse, Bat Fuck Insanity, Strippergram

Excuse me kind sir...but um....

Guitar-22px.jpg This user plays guitar because it attracts more groupies, and gets more solos than the bass.
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...And a depressed rastafarian sitting on a cake in east London shouting "I LOVE YOU CONAN THE BARBARIAN!"

Bright, Intelligent, Cool, Tactful and Helping ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Torchwood

“ Shit, Gracie! We're gonna need some Beer, the boy is learning!”

~ A texan farmer on Torchwood

Torchwood is from the Isle of Greater Devon (Applause)

OK....Lesser Devon. *Holds head in shame*

Torchwood is:[edit]

  • Your haunting nightmare
  • That weird feeling of being dropped when you sleep.
  • A guy.

Whichever you choose, any could be the right answer. However, the right answer is 42.

Torchwood: The Screw-vie[edit]

Scene One[edit]

A MAN IN A SUIT enters the room. The MAN IN A HOODIE acknowledges his entrance and makes a break for the door. MAN IN A SUIT slams his briefcase into MAN IN A HOODIE's face. There is no shame.

Scene Two[edit]

Silence. A fight scene ensues. There is pain. There is cold. There is flames. There is suffering. There is marshmallows and a fondue.

Did you know...[edit]

  • ...that Torchwood is an anagram of Door Whoch
  • ...that he a killer ant
  • ...that he thinks hes funny...but ain't.
  • ...lalalalala.....Bovril!

The Torchwood Top Ten Of How To Annoy Someone[edit]

In An Elevator/Lift[edit]

  1. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  2. Collect an elevator tax
  3. Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
  4. Leave a box between the doors
  5. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  6. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
  7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play
  8. Eat jelly through a straw
  9. Stare at another person for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  10. Hum the Batman theme tune incessantly.

In An Office[edit]

  1. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
  2. Put up mosquito netting around your desk. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
  3. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a nodding dog.
  4. Grow mold in your coffee cup.
  5. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
  7. Come to work in your pajamas.
  8. Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
  9. Schedule meetings for 4:29pm
  10. Name all your pens and insist that the meeting can't take place until they are all there.

On An Airplane[edit]

  1. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
  2. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show.
  3. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world
  4. Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"
  5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
  6. Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
  7. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
  8. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
  9. Call the stewardess "nurse".
  10. Pretend you're flying the plane.

With A Policeman/Cop[edit]

  1. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
  2. That belly of yours sure doesn't inspire confidence.
  3. Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license?
  4. Bad cop! No doughnut!
  5. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
  6. I pay your salary.
  7. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
  8. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
  9. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
  10. I pay your salary.

And when they were gone, a voice rose from the dead and said: "I LOVE YOU CONAN THE BARBARIAN!"

And ye shalt all change thou names to John Aaaaasmith, for ye glory of being first in ye olde telephone booke. Insist it is Hawaiian and that all shalt pronounce each "a"

They said we should...[edit]

  • Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
  • Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  • Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates
  • Paint our windows.
  • Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

Torchwood Creations[edit]

Torchwood's Vanity[edit]

Torchwood 23:36, 29 May 2006 (UTC)