“Nuni is unbelievable! Nuni is incredible. You can run thousand miles, you can lead 10000 revolutions, you can live million lives but you cannot describe Nuni. Nuni is Vladimir of twenty first century. Long live Nuni. Long live revolution. Nuni loves fish.”
“If NUNI did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it”
“You are either with us, or against us”
“I will give free healthcare to anyone who shoots that idiot!!!”
Remember Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? A group of hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings demanded to learn the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything from the supercomputer, Deep Thought, specially built for this purpose. It takes Deep Thought 7½ million years to compute and check the answer, which turns out to be 42. However very few know the story behind 42 or for that matter how Douglas Adams was forced to delete the real answer and replace it with a number. The real answer was NUNI.
To come to the point, NUNI is a secret organization. Only this and nothing more, as the Raven had insisted. The survivors of the human race like me shall assert truthfully that we know not what NUNI is, for the difficulty in breaking in through the mantle of secrecy that shrouds NUNI is incomprehensible by ye folks, who grow crops and tweet away in the comfort of your office. We can only have conjectures and hypothesis.
Origins - The Matsya Avatara
pralayapayodhijale dhritavanasi vedam |
kesava dhrita mina sarıra jaya jagadısha hare ||
One theory, propagated by a group of honest and fearless journalists, says that in the year 1920, just after the end of many nights of partying, Lenin went on a fishing trip on the Volga with his sex slave. Having drunk too much Vodka, he slipped over the side of the boat and drowned. He was brought to Heaven where he met God. Since Lenin was an atheist, he was sent back to Earth to die at the hands of his second sex slave. Back on Earth, Lenin and his two sex slaves drew up the blueprints to a highly secret, quasi-military organisation, which would annihilate God and nationalize Heaven. Stalin grew tired of being somebody else's sex slave and wanted one for himself. So he got rid off everyone who knew him to be Lenin's sex slave, declared himself the General's secretary, and got a new sex slave. When his sex slave tried to kill him, Stalin took out his original blueprint, and sent it by carrier pigeon to a place where he knew nobody would dare to go. The pigeon was caught by a fisherman, who found the plans and hid them inside the stomach of a freshly caught fish. This fish was sold at the market to a thin jolly bespectacled man who found the plans inside the fish. Many historians have tried to document what happened after this, but they have all mysteriously disappeared.(This is in reference to the plans and not the fish. Everyone knows what happened to the fish. It was fried lightly in mustard oil, and then slow cooked with yoghurt, green chillies and aubergines. It did not go down too well with the delicate Bengali digestive system).But it may be that this theory is Nuni's ploy to subvert their true history, as one ex-Nuni operative from Bangalore confirmed recently. She was last seen near Osho's asharama. Some say she dissolved into thin air, forming four massive rings of smoke.
However, others believe that N*** has been omnipresent in the virtue of reality as some of the cosmologists suggest since the big bang bombing. However, there is no established evidence that N played a major role in KT extinction to change the course of evolutionary history, still it is also a popular belief that N was there much before the 7-th day advent of humankind but may not be in the dimensional shape and size in which today we try to see it as an Euclidian object, rather as a concept. As a concept, it carries the legacy of all revolutions, i. e., the jumps in the qualitative description of visible reality, which is again beyond logical explanations at any point of time. Probably this was the idea behind Tutankhamen’s death, Alexander’s decision to not invade far-east, Pizzaro’s magnificent win over Spanish oligarchy and so on. However, the concept of N*** started to assume its humane version when Marx toggled Hegel’s theology and for the first time visualized human being as the past form of specters. Almost it took another century from there when N*** started its land based operational camps. Popular belief again assumes that N*** was mostly grounded in deep sea and probably has used the exotic triangles as their initial operational basis. It's probable camps in seas and and in web, may have supplied them with the idea of their emblem.
Fish, since then, has played a major role in every NUNI meet, it's alleged. At least all of them are well built, because of their love for fish. In their manual they opined, to survive in difficult terrains (like Orkut) you must depend upon fish, or as they say মৎস্য মারিবে খাইবে সুখে (merrily eat fish).
Missions - Varaha through Parashuram
Enter Gramsci. Who theorized for the first time that it's not enough to engage decadent bourgeoisie in the day-to-day battle for economic demands but you must also summarily defeat them in those points where they operate on the ideological plane. To overthrow the bourgeoisie hegemony you need to form an organization which works within the system, yet out of it. Even when the proletariat gains power you must work in the socialist state and beyond it, to defeat them both within and out of it. Hegemony can not be broken but can only be replaced - grasping this basic point was not enough. This, Gramsci also realized, and as he was acutely aware of the danger of an organization so built to challenge the bourgeoisie, he and other organizers of the NUNI realized that it must work outside the left movement itself!
A movement may be broken, a socialist state may go back to its capitalist moorings, a leader may die, but NUNI, so lovingly named by the unflinching comrades, must stay. Only when the whole of world would be liberated, then and only then, NUNI would come out in the open. But hey, you don't need NUNI then, as NUNI will wither away with the withering of the state itself. So NUNI is the only organization in the world which remains forever secret. And that is precisely the reason why NUNI gives so much importance to secrecy. It goes to the extent humanly possible to terrorize people who even think they know of NUNI. Their method of terrorizing has evolved with time (refer to Methods of Operation). To cut a long story short, NUNI is not primarily an organization dedicated to terrorize as some people think it is, but quite the contrary. It only takes up terror as a tactic when its secrecy is compromised. Other terror tactics in the left movement are not NUNI's forte, those are for common and mundane leftists. NUNI has bigger goals, as one NUNI member so eloquently said in a song summing up NUNI's motto আমাদের চাওয়া আছে অনেক বেশি (Our dreams pierce the sky).
Thirty years down the line, a minor NUNI member, Mao Zedong (though known to the world for wholly different reasons) handed over a white paper to Kushlob, better known as comrade Azizul Haque. Kushlob was from Russia and the biological son of Suslov. He was given a wholly different identity for NUNI operatives. The way Kushlob was transformed to Azizul is a scientific miracle, which we will come back to later.
Kushlob, though known more for his role in Naxalbari movement, played a larger than life role as a NUNI commando. To popularize the notion that Kushlob was behind the bars for 18 years, even a book was claimed to be authored by Kushlob, which was written by another member of NUNI, Samaresh Bose, taking down dictation from a certain Dronacharya Basu. While everybody thought he was behind the bars, Kushlob worked for NUNI tirelessly. Mao, a technical assistant of a underground NUNI lab, predicted that web would play a bigger role in future, a potential which NUNI must tap into. And when Khuslob went to China, in the pretense of working as a communist revolutionary, Mao handed some paper over to Kushlob, which though written in a obscure Bengali script, is nothing but a code to write a secret program to work in the web. Kushlob got worked up and soon after this, he got the idea of the NUNI emblem while he was still in China.
It is no secret now that to unearth the history of this turbulent preparatory phase, historians have had to work under innovative masquerades of the likes of iron masks, veils of cannabis smoke, questionable cleavages and with Shostakovich's Second Waltz playing all the while to a deafening volume.
Nuni- across the world
In keeping with the growing demands for expansion of operation overseas, NUNI started secondary and tertiary bases in remote areas around the world, although not a single one of them have been discovered by anyone. Well, not anyone still alive, atleast. However, urban legend states that the largest amongst these ground bases are located somewhere deep inside the jungles of Sunderbans. Rumour has it that they plan to expand into space and build the next base on the RED planet, Mars.
Historiography of NUNI
The historiography of NUNI has been swarmed with surreptitious and astounding revelations over the years. Swept over mythologies and folklores, inscriptions, oral history and Gchat transcripts, obscure references appearing in ancient texts dating back to the 5th Century BC, to more direct ones in the earliest Bengali texts found in Nepal -- historians have had it all! They risked their lives and combed every inch of the red corridor (including its newest inroad into Bangladesh via the Sunderbans) in search of NUNI's footprints. We only list a few examples.
Na jayate mriyate va kadacin/ Nayam bhutva bhavita va na bhuyah/ Ajo nityah sasvato ’yam purano/ Na hanyate hanyamane sarire
It is obvious now, that the Bhagvad Gita acknowledged NUNI when it said that the soul is indestructible. NUNI is neither born, it never dies. It never ceases to be. It is widely believed by a school of Vedanta that what the Gita referred to as soul was nothing but NUNI.
In an 8th Century Bengali text, in Caryapada era, a little known Bengali poet writes the following bold verse, calling upon the proletariat to rise up in revolution. As this era also coincides with the age of Matsyanyaya (Big fish eat little fish), this text doubles as priceless historical evidence linking the NUNI operatives with the history of Matsyanyaya.
In simple translation,
There is no rain throughout the year, cows do not give milk, no paddy in fields and no jute for clothes. People are dying everywhere. Landlords are still torturing them, common people have no roof above their head. Now they should act fearlessly and form their own groups. The king is taking away their land, feudal lords are taking away girls from mothers. The composer, Nunhi (NUNI in an older pronunciation), asks them to form their own herds as fish and attack these big crocodiles.
Making a jump cut to 21st century; NUNI has been found to leave its unmistakable mark (as seen in the photograph below) on urban graffiti designed by comrade KC Paul, a resilient guerilla fighter in disguise, who through his abject denouncement of the so-called 'standard' paradigm of 'science', has risen to fight an intellectuo-ideological battle, a la Gramsci, up against the Capitalists and the petty bourgeoisie intelligentsia who have conspired to structure and limit the framework of natural science on their own convenient terms, thereby killing the indomitable human urge to question and doubt, and to recursively keep doing so forever, for each and every natural phenomenon perceptible.
NUNI in history
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of NUNI. They have left a bloody trail throughout the pages of history, which only a few have noticed. These few have either been abducted by aliens or have been subjected to brutal physical and mental torture which has left them brain dead. The fearless investigators of a neo-fascist news network has managed to salvage some documents which lead us to believe that NUNI was responsible for the following events in world history.
-The dinosaurs becoming extinct
-The Ice Age
-The invention of the secret to marital bliss
-The birth of Adolf Hitler
-The death of Adolf Hitler(They always take care of their rogue agents)
-A Robot being elected Governor
-Global Warming (The highest form of Capitalism)
Facts and Fiction
1. CIA's Office of Transnational Issues had dubbed NUNI as the single most dangerous organization threatening the interest of the United States.
2. Nobody knows if NUNI refers to the name or merely stands as an abbreviation. The propounder of the theory NUNI--A Brief History of Time who argued that NUNI refers to Nullity of Uber National Individuals was found to be severely afflicted with neuro muscular dystrophy after his treatise was published. There is an even lesser known theory propounded by the chauffeur of an industrial giant that NUNI is nothing but NANO-UNO-NANA-INI. We do not know if UNO refers to the United Nations Organization or is a slightly phonetic version of You Know and these have widely remained the subject of popular debate.
3. Urban legends tell us that NUNI loves fish. This could be a direct allusion to a particular fish loving Bengali who was supposedly one of the founder members of the organization.
4. How NUNI got incorporated into our glocal vocabulary--NUNIfied translates as Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Need we say more? NUNI terror, NUNI-numb etc.
' E.g. I am NUNInumb. The police is after me. '
5. On September 27, 1997, NASA lost contact with their ship PathFinder on Planet Mars, shortly after PathFinder picked up signal of life on the planet. On March 10, 1998, NASA gave up their hope to regain control of the mission. On 13 June 2002, a major recording device from the same ship was detected by US secret service in Karachi, Pakistan. However within hours of receiving this news, the US state authorities also learnt that the US Embassy had been blown up, no more traces of proof remained.
6.Some argue that in reality, NUNI is a highly efficient gang of fascist feminists who refused to succumb to Freud's theory of penis envy, and strapped on giant dildos called NUNIs to give a tough competition to that tower of male idiosyncracy, namely, the NUNU.
- A Word of Caution*
If you are not with us, you are with them. - a note found near every NUNI victim spells these words.
It has been established that whoever tries to be the inquisitive little soul enquiring about N***, invites the wrath of N*** on himself. If you love yourself, do not seek NUNI, for NUNI shall seek you. AND NUNIFY YOU!!!! (Old Jungle Proverb)
You have been adequately warned.
If you are reading this article, you will soon be terminated.
Get your affairs in order.
Mode of Operation
NUNI operates silently. So far no one has recorded any activity of NUNI. Stealth is NUNI's highest expertise. It is known that ancient Japanese Ninja warriors had collaborated with NUNI to learn some of the techniques. NUNI only leaves a mark in the society, sends a message with every action, but no one ever gets to see NUNI.
1987 Homeland Security report to President Reagan stated: NUNI has never been seen tracked intercepted or bugged in past 12 years, however we believe it is operational in the United States, and most probably operates out of a secret command head quarter somewhere in the state of California.
The last report to be de-classified by any government agency in the United States have been during the presidency of George.W.Bush. Ever since president Obama has taken the oath, none of the reports have been de-classified.
중앙정보부 (Korea Central Intelligence Agency) have repeatedly reported presence of NUNI in North Korea, however there has been no physical contact with any NUNI agent in the country. It is believed that 중앙정보부 handed over a dossier containing all available details about NUNI's operational tactics to CIA, КГБ, BVF (Bundesamt für Verfassungsschutz), RAW and MI6 in 1998. Information coming out of this meeting suggests that NUNI's operation is actually controlled from Germany by a few German citizen of oriental origin. There is enough evidence of NUNI's operational head being referred to as 'the Tiger', encrypted satellite phone conversations intercepted by German intelligence agency BVF in 1996 pointed that the sink of the signal was moving between Berlin and Munich, it is believed to have been used as a car phone. The conversation after being decrypted translated to a few disjointed sentences in a highly accented south asian vernacular language. The true meaning never came out.
Absconding and Kidnapping
Since the first annals of modern history, people were reported to disappear and they seldom came back to their near and dear ones. Some of them were murdered due to trivial reasons but most of them were either (i) murdered accidentally, (ii) murdered brutally and accidentally, (ii) kidnapped for a greater cause or (iv) absconded for the greatest cause. One fearless news analyst from a leading bengali web-based open media took the plunge of recording these stories from leading bengali news papers and came to the conclusion that where there's smoke, there's fire and the public rumors about NUNI showing people a way to their sacred hide, is atleast, partially true. He digs out several stories of missing men/women/couple with political importances where the cases remain unsolved for decades and then shows at least one instance in which a college student from a remote andhra village emerges as a fireband Maoist leader in Kolkata after 23 odd years since he was missing.
Available in pocket sized plastic bottles, NUNI juice is a revolutionary new concept in the area of brainwashing. Made from the juice of organs of NUNI think tank members, it is more popularly known in revolutionary circles as Mojo. Usually injected into the unsuspecting victim's derriere, it acts within moments, rendering the victim completely helpless, and turning him or her into a zombie, to do as NUNI wishes.
The NUNI Anthem
Arise ye workers from your slumbers
Arise ye prisoners of want
Join the ranks of NUNI as members
Or we'll shoot your fat old aunt
Away with all your masturbations
Servile masses arise arise
And come let us follow tradition
and put on the NUNI disguise
Ah so Comrades, come rally, and punch ourselves in the face
The NUNI anthem, entertains the human race
Ah so Comrades, come rally, and have a party at our base
The NUNI anthem, entertains the human race.