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An Open Letter To Uncyclopedia


This is a serious letter. A very very serious letter. It is an epic and you should treat it with respect. Besdies, furthermore it is important. In this serious letter I shall dramatically finally and truly admit to having left Uncyclopedia, despite currently being logged in to write this dramatic leaving letter. I shall finally relieve my millions of Uncyclopedia-based fans and reveal my true reasons for leaving. I shall elegantly set forward my opinion of the problems of Uncyclopedia and the moral decay of society. I shall back up one of my points with a personal anecdote of when I was but a young n00b with a glimmer of the Uncyclopedia Statue of Lols flashing across my eyes as my steamer pulled into the bay. Yes I am the Don Vito Corleone of Uncyclopedia.

I am bigger than Jesus.

And I am being serious. I am. I am. Look how serious and elegant this letter looks. I promise I shall not swear, either also and furthermore, as that will be detract from my serious, dramatic attention seeking. Despite not being active on Uncyclopedia for some considerable stretch of I-don't-have-a-metaphor-here-but-pretend-I-do time, I still have an opinion on the crumbling standards of funny at Uncyclopedia and the constant wearing down of hilarity. And my opinion matters. Because I am famous. And bigger than Jesus.

Let me start by posing a theoretical question. How many articles must an Uncyclopedian write to be considered an Uncyclopedian? This is a question that was ignored, and you wonder why a question of such gravity has never been asked or even considered. Is it because of the cabal? No. (Yes). It is because the fascist cabal left-wing tree-hugging anarchists Nazis of Uncyclopedia have been holding back the question. And who are these fascist cabal left-wing tree-hugging anarchists Nazis, you ask? They are you.

You. The one who sits there, protected by the anonymity offered by your monitor and keyboard. It is your doctrines of hatred that are sucking the lifeblood out of this community. It is you that, like a tumour, eats away at The Society.

And so I am leaving because of the falling standards of Uncyclopedia and because this website is clearly in its twilight years. If this were real life I would be dramatically throwing back my long, wavy hair and storming off in a diva-esque way. And as I am leaving and storming off in a cloud of self-serving, self-righteous pink drama I have the right to make a leaving statement. I have the right to name and shame and plainly explain why I think Uncyclopedia has gone to the shit clowns from your worst nightmares. These are the clowns that rub shit into kid's hair and set their toenails on fire. It is this right I have decided to embrace. I shall now reveal, through a series of careful, cryptic metaphors and riddles the true reason for the communist mafioso who now stalk this website like so many pigeons of war. War.

The green bird flies tonight through the purpling haze of an Italian summer night. The dwarf is holding the machine gun as the dying man stumbles backwards off the bridge, blood glowing through the dark ripples of the river.

And that is why Michael Jackson died.

I have been Elvis, Son of God, Greater than Julius Ceaser, Tsar of Watchmakers. Thank you and goodnight. Let my riddles forever die.

This has been the restoration of Da Vinci. Run free my children. And remember the message I have handed down for the next decade. The point I have been hinting at in a roundabout way is to remember the lessons your elders were taught. As Uncyclopedia crumbles around you and the rabble of virgin zombies storms through the shattered walls, raping your women, eating your children, and pillaging your men, remember that you were once a humming bird, King of the Skies. One day the intertubes themselves and the millions of hamsters - to whom we will be forever indebted to for their service to Communication - will fall away and all that will be left will be the open plains of existence. Remember in your time of need that I told you so. I warned you the Mayan calendar ended in 2012 and you did not listen, I warned you Miley Cyrus was a Martian and you did not listen, I told you Einstein was wrong all a long and you did not listen, I told you India was just Aidni spelt backwards and you did not listen, I foresaw the coming of the Three Riders and you did not listen, I was dragged off in a straight jacket and you did not listen, I fucked your mother and you did not listen.

So the point is whatever lolz. Peace and shit. Fucking nuke the whales. Or something. Whatever man. Get stoned.

It is 2010,
I am Yettie.
You are probably not Mozart.