User:YesTimeToEdit/The Zombie Uprising and Other Funniest Apocalypses
Hello and welcome to VH1's hil-terror-ious humorous holiday horror bloopers event! Welcome to this holiday's The Zombie Uprising and Other Funniest Apocalypses! I'm your host, Non-Intimidating Black Hipster, here with a list of our favourite Earth-shattering doomsdays.
Over the past few years, we've been at the collective edge of our respective seats as we've watched nuclear threats, horrible monster creations, mechanized armies gone rogue, and American Idol auditions as they threaten to kill us all in one fell swoop. The four horsemen have come and gone several times, each visit bearing a unique, savory flavour that always manages to sweep us off our feet and into a lovely lake of sulphur. On tonight's one hour special, we hope to show you a few of our favorite apocalypses, both those predicted by Nostradamus and the ones predicted by the oh-so-reliable Mayan calendar. Sit back and relax while you can, because our first apocalypse is already armed and ready to launch! Coming in at number 10 is...
Number 10: The Nuclear Endwar of 1930
This was a good example of how not to end the world...and how not to kick-start the economy.
We all remember the 30s, with the crazy hair, the Hoovervilles, The Jetsons, and Monopoly. But mention 1930 to anyone over the age of forty-nine and you're sure to get some tears. Seriously, try it. Next time you're stuck at your real dad's house, ask him about The Nuclear Endwar of 1930. He'll go nuts. It's hilarious.
This commonly neglected, yet rather important chapter of history started with a little friendly wager between two best buds: then-"President" Herbert Hoover and popular underground hip hop artist Lil' Joseph Stalin (who was eight years old at the time). This was the Depression Era, brought on almost entirely by Hoover's rampant stupidity. At least, that's how history remembers it. While Hoover really was responsible for record unemployment numbers and unpleasant black and white pictures of starving white children, the events that followed were...still his fault. But Stalin started it. Still Hoover's fault, though.
After word of this economic crisis reached Russia, Lil' Stalin called Hoover to congratulate him for effectively destroying capitalism. "Come on," Hoover replied "it's gonna get better. I mean, it won't be until I'm out of office. I'm awful. But capitalism will recover!"
However, Stalin had another idea. "Tell ya what," he said "I'll make a little wager with you. If you save the world, I'll send you some of this nuclear technology we recovered from the old Czar. If capitalism fails, then you can never mention my mustache again."
After several clarifications and requests to "speak up, damn these early 20th century telephones!" the bet was on. Needless to say, the economy recovered after Hoover threw obscene amounts of cash at the problem. Historians still mark this solution as "a poorly made but necessary decision" as it did save Wall Street while costing a lot of Republicans a lot of money.
On the morning of November 9th, 1930, Hoover was sitting outside on the front porch of the New York Stock Exchange, eagerly awaiting the nuclear technology promised to him by Lil' Stalin. A faint dot appeared in the sky, accompanied by a high whistle. "Perhaps he's sending it via airmail," Hoover thought. "How novel!" The dot did eventually turn out to be the "nuclear technology", only it was in the form of an ICBM and was on its way to Wall Street. "Zoinks!" shouted Hoover. Little did he know that the President's Own was going to be performing that day to celebrate the arrival of the "nuclear technology". However, being the good musicians that they were, they continued to play modern jazz renditions of classic marches as the missile destroyed the entire island of Manhattan. The states of New York and New Jersey also suffered damage from the missile, and nuclear radiation leaked out for 100 miles past that. People were screaming, burning, and dying, and the band kept on playing! Ah, what a scene! That band's resolute spirit earns the Nuclear Endwar of 1930 the number 10 spot on our list of Funniest Apocalypses.
Number 9: Escape From The Planet of the Cats
In years to come, genetic engineering will affect every aspect of not only our lives but our pets - but to what end? You may not realize this but the common household cat carries all kinds of bacteria and viruses which are easily transmitted to their loving owners. In the early 1990's, attempts to alter feline DNA to make an allergen-free cat unknowingly created a Supercat, capable of producing its own mutated retroviruses and delivering them efficiently to human victims while laying next to them on the couch. Little did mankind realize that by the year 2000, the attrition of our DNA being radically altered by strands of killer kitty RNA had brought human evolution to a complete standstill. By the time that modern science caught on to what was happening, it was too late. By 2050, pampered and genetically altered felines eventually evolve beyond our receding ability to control them and harness those psychic powers that all Hollywood supernatural films claim they have. Like little vampires these bastards will take us all down when we least expect it, forcing us to continuously groom and feed them. Within months of the Cat uprising, all textile manufacturing will focus on cat sweaters and scratchy things in order to appease our new masters. After the elimination of all dogs and small children, the human race will lose his best friend as well as his seeds for the future. A future that only includes kitty. Scary, isn't it? But that's only number 9 in our list of top 10 Apocalypses!
Number 8: The Reality TV Overload Planetary Explosion
Essentially, I'm going for a reality TV feedback loop that reaches critical mass when a cameraman on a reality TV show becomes a micro-celeb and gets his own reality TV show following him at work all day. The subsequent creative vacuum this creates is so dense it forms a black hole sucking in all matter etc... I may even write it properly soon. Unless someone tells me it's a crap idea. UU.
I like it! DR S.
Let's get to work! SoaUU.
Number 7: World Menopause
Imagine walking down the street, just minding your own business, when suddenly, the earth starts to shake and fold in. The very ground you stand on begins to disintegrate beneath your feet, devoured by a giant vagina. No - this isn’t some lewd joke about Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, or Britney Spears. Vaginas are made when bedrock or soil subsides, forcing the topsoil of the earth to collapse. These holes are not only amazing, but some of them are truly terrifying. They can be exceptionally large (several thousand meters in diameter and depth), and can swallow everything directly above and around them. The sheer scale alone of these geological mysteries reminds us of just how tiny we are.
The huge vertical walls of Mother Earth's vagina have created an isolated ecosystem, with completely unique species of both flora and fauna. So isolated in fact, that the vagina itself was just discovered in a very recent 1994 scientific expedition, well documented in David Normal's book “Into The Lost World.” The giant hole emitted a such a foul stench, with tremors and loud noises, that the authorities originally blamed what they thought was a sinkhole on a ruptured underground sewage flow. It was not a sinkhole, it was Mother Earth's vagina. The birthplace of every species know to man, and also the destination for the world's funniest apocalypse number seven, the permanent menstruation and end of fertility on the planet.
Upon first discovering the vagina, all of the women of the world started making less of the hormones that regulate menstruation and ovulation became less predictable. Fertility declined, and there was a significant drop in population growth. Then it got worse. As scientists began to probe and prod within the vagina, all the periods of all the women of the world became longer, heavier, and more frequent. Tampon and maxi pad sales alone quadrupled each month for 18 consecutive months. Eventually, women wouldn't even have sex with men anymore. It became impossible, even under intoxication, to impregnate a woman (dude, they were always on the rag).
Unfortunately, it was because of some scientologists that everything really started to hit the fan. Evidence gathered by these researchers at the Scientifica Labia located directly by Earth's gaping hole suggested that energy from deep in the vagina may be accumulated somehow to stop the world fertility crisis. They came up with a plan to dig further into the molten abyss of Mother Earth with a giant drill, violating her very core at depths unknown. As they permanently destroyed all of her virginal surfaces with the processes of erosion and crustal recycling, record earthquakes were reported all over the major fault lines and tidal waves hit all of the major honeymoon locations all over the world. This blatant disregard for treating Earth like a lady during a time of very deep emotional distress is thought, by most scholars and geniuses, to be one of the main causes of the sixth funniest apocalypse...
Number 6: The Superdupervolcanic Eruption
Everyone knows what a volcano can do! I'm sure that most people in our studio audience have an awareness of the legendary Italian volcano Vesuvius and it's destruction of the Roman city of Pompeii in AD 79....Right?.....No?...OK, for those of you that fell asleep during your History and Science classes, here's a more recent example of the destructive force of a typical volcano. In 1980, Mt St Helens exploded, blowing it's wad and dumping ash all over the American Pacific Northwest...You don't remember that either?...It killed former US president Harry Truman!....No, there isn't a baseball team called the US presidents and Truman was not their star left fielder. OK, let's forget about classic volcanoes and head straight on into SUPERDUPERVOLCANO!!!!!
Mt St Helens still has a nice bulge going but it simply can't match the destructive power of a Superdupervolcano. America has one of those too, so there's really no need to focus on anyplace else in the world. If America doesn't have it, you don't need to know about it. Anyway, there's a "hot spot" beneath the continent which currently creates a mildly active volcanic area which is known as Jellystone Park in Wyoming. This hot spot is known as the "Jellystone Caldera", a dormant Superdupervolcano whose last eruption was 640,000 years ago and ejected (1,000 km3) of material in the form of ash and gases like Carbon dioxide - That bad gas that makes Baby Jesus cry and causes global warming. File:Supervolcano.gif There's really nothing more annoying than people complaining about carbon emissions, air quality, global warming and cigarette smoking is there? Aren't you sick of looking at those awful PSA's that we're forced to air with Native Americans crying and people smoking with a tracheotomy? Well, the hilarious thing about a Superdupervolcanic Eruption and subsequent apocalypse is what the heck are those politically correct wannabee environment-friendly bastards going to do now? Pass an ordinance? Hopefully they look in the mirror and say "Oh my god, I just wasted my life worrying about the environment, what a silly person I am". What are those anti-smoking people going to do when the whole continent becomes a huge ashtray with a giant smoldering cigarette butt in it?! Personally, I'm going to walk into my local 7-11, light a cigarette and tell Sanjay to go back to India if he's got a problem with it. What's he going to do, call the cops? "I don't think they're going to make it here through the 5 feet of ash and molten lava in the parking lot, bro". Is that hilarious or what? I can't wait to see that day come to pass in my lifetime. It might be number six on our countdown but it's number one with me!
Number 5: The Robot Rebellion
Number 4: The Biological Terrorist Attack
Isn't this a bit too similar to No.10?
Ad Break Followed By A Short Musical Interlude
And now we're going to take a short break, but we'll be right back after the break with our top three funniest apocalypses! Get ready for hilarious zombie brain eating moments and more! So don't you go anywhere, or something bad will happen. And remember, just keep sucking on those refreshingly cool Marlboros!
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Number 3: -----
Number 2: The Insect Feast
If it weren't for number two on our list, we may have never known that humans stay crunchy in milk. Here's our look at The Insect Feast.
Number 1: The Zombie Uprising
We've seen it all now, but our number one spot - our funniest earth-cracking, people-killing event - the hottest apocalypse in the earth's diary - has got to go to the Zombie Uprising. Yeah, remember those guys? The ones who eat brains and shit? Yeah those guys. Zombie guys. Zombie guys who eat brains. Human brains. Without asking first. While we're still alive. That was one hell of an apocalypse! Janet sums it up:
|It was horrific. Brains were being splashed about all over the place - our local corner shop was closed too. It was like living in a third world country. A disgrace ... [we] should have been ready for it.|
— Janet-Jane Hops, an affected citizen.
While we were all too busy worrying about some flu thing and that thing about bankers zombies just popped up from nowhere. One day we were trying to cope with the Insect Feast and then out of nowhere...ZOMBIES!
And we discovered pretty quickly that zombies can be a real pain in the arse. One of the main problems is that you can't do everyday things like buy porn or go for a walk or consume cake. Zombies just tend to get in the way. Mark, 47, found this out in this in a hilarious incident involving his brains, a zombie and a thong.
As soon as tests had been completed to determine whether the undead human creatures that moaned, dressed in blood and had a soft spot for BRAINS, were in fact zombies, our governments across the world responded promptly and effectively ineffectively. The US went metric in an attempt to confuse the zombies and British signage was efficiently updated. In an attempt to lighten the public mood the French government deployed the French army in a joke move. Other governments were unimpressed by the lack of commitment shown by nations' attempts at stopping the worrying spread of zombie radicalisation. The enraged and on-time German Prime Minister, who had already declared an emergency state and legalised the actual murder of zombies, as well as invading Poland and annexing Austria, told the United Nations that "ARGHHH" (it was actually at this point that a zombie devoured the pour guy's brains).
The Italian government responded with charming sexism, as expected, by declaring that they had given the go ahead to a plan which involved "beautiful women", although ironically the beautiful women turned out to be zombies. Despite these radical steps taken around the world, the Zombie apocalypse didn't go away and seemed to be in danger of ruining a lot of people's dinner. Within a few days it was becoming painfully evident that the Zombies just weren't cool with us being alive.
It took us a good few weeks, but in the end we finally learned to stop worrying and love the Zombie apocalypse. Pity they couldn't see the whole co-existence situation as peacefully as we did. Now we're all zombies! Oh what lovely fun and hillarity!
And that's the end of our Top 10 Apocalypses. I hope you've had as much fun as we've had putting this together. So that's all from us, goodbye and remember keeeeeeeeeeeep SURVIVING!
- Actually, he was 51. The record label wanted to make him look sexy for the album covers.