New stuff below this line, stupid
You must have us confused with dog shit
I have been Chief Janitorial Editor of UnNews since the title was implemented, so trends at our humble media outlet come to my attention. Repeating trends, even more so. In fact, UnNews has experienced an unprecedented growth spurt lately.
We are not the fucking Onion!
UnIon, UnOnion, Non-Onion, Anti-Onion, AgnosticOnion
HowTo play the pan flute
The pan flute is an ancient musical instrument, most closely related to bagpipes and the French horn. They were originally used by Celtic druids to summon poltergeists, and were adapted by the conquering Romans in Britain for urban life by integrating them into common plumbing systems. By harnessing the flow capacity of the aqueduct, Roman cities were able to assemble entire orchestras of pan flutes, with players numbering in the hundreds.
Snooty people are easily impressed by old, obscure things and worthless talents. You can impress prospective marks and friends by building and playing your own pan flute. It makes a good conversation starter.
- One to six quadrupedal mammals of a mass of 20 kilograms of less
- One Western-style toilet
- One pan flute player
- A ten meter length of plumbing snake
- Some musical ability
- 8mm. 10mm. 12mm. hexagonal bolts, 24 each
- 8mm. 10mm. 12mm. lock washers, 24 each
- One tube sex lube
- One meter length of 20mm. specialty gardening hose
- One lynx bladder
You will need:
- One 8mm. open-ended wrench
- One 10mm. open ended wrench
- One 12 mm. open ended wrench
- Musical ability
- 10. Mouthpiece grip
- 11. Sonic projectory bell
- 12. Western-style toilet
- 13. Connectory
- 14. Kitten mid-spine
- 15. Harmonic refraction surface
- 16. Reeded mouthpiece
- 19. Aquarium tubing
- 20. Hosebag
- 21. Kitten upper spine
- 25. Flatulator
- 26. Kitten lower spine
- 27. Medium sized kitten
Your birthday this week: Cancer! In the old days, people would call you crabby. In the modern world of political correctness, you are called a dick. You're always in a bad mood, and nobody really likes you. If you've stumbled into a position of power by some miracle, you have no friends among the sycophants that rely on you for their positions. If you're not paranoid, you ought to be. Content yourself to live a life of irredeemable dickness, an insignificant, irritating little placeholder in human history. YOU LOVE FUCKING COLORING!
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Give your fellow employees a break and call in sick for the week. Slovenly is not a compliment; take the hint. Badgers and Frenchmen will attack you on Thursday. Prepare by carrying a taser and brass knuckles.
- Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your spouse may be poisoning you. Avoid wobbly chairs and subways this week. There are some places where humans aren't supposed to have hair. Spend some time gazing at the full moon.
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Careful when reaching into your mailbox this week. Pretend you are descended from royalty. Business will be slow, enjoy some porn.
- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Stay away from large angry dogs. An old friend will drop by and ask to borrow a significant sum. If you experience stroke symptoms, don't worry. It's actually a religious experience. Go with it.
- Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - That smell is you. Do not tip your waiters this week. Act like you have millipedes in your pants at work. You can put off fixing the brakes on your car another week.
- Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Push "press" to pull. People will find you sexy if you dress like a mime. See how many prunes you can eat in one hour.
- Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Leisure suits are now out of fashion. If you meet a Finnish person, be evasive. If you are Finnish, bury some cassette tapes in the nearest churchyard to your home.
- Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your cooking is awful, and potentially dangerous. Give it up and order some take out. Cultivate an appetite for Britcoms and people will think you're snooty. If you are a drug dealer or pimp, start running now.
- Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Collect weekly urine samples for fun. You can neuter your dog for the price of a pair of pliers, but it won't be pretty. Avoid caviar and recluse spiders this week.
- Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Plastic surgery will not fix your real problem. You've got 22 cats, for the love of Jesus! Your appendix will burst. Hang out in hospital waiting rooms this week.
- Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Check your mail at odd hours, when nobody is looking. Try taking a wallet making class or pushing a friend over a cliff. There are tusks growing out of your face.
- Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Sabotage a neighbors car. Do not buy a Renault or weasel this week. Your dark side is actually your good side. Feeling blue on Sunday? Go to Church and fart a lot.
Are there conspirators in your non-dairy products?
HowTo:Scare the bejesus out of me
Construct a user interface to operate a rudimentary Reverend Zim_ulator.
HowTo:Command respect while a duck is standing on your head
How to be a denialist
I completely sporked this because I think it's hilarious. File it here for now until I find inspiration for an article and/or a better place for it. I am the dirt under your rollers. 16:40, June 18, 2010 (UTC)
Martin McKee, an epidemiologist at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine who also studies denial, has identified six tactics that all denialist movements use. "I'm not suggesting there is a manual somewhere, but one can see these elements, to varying degrees, in many settings," he says (The European Journal of Public Health, vol 19, p 2).
- 1. Allege that there's a conspiracy. Claim that scientific consensus has arisen through collusion rather than the accumulation of evidence.
- 2. Use fake experts to support your story. "Denial always starts with a cadre of pseudo-experts with some credentials that create a facade of credibility," says Seth Kalichman of the University of Connecticut.
- 3. Cherry-pick the evidence: trumpet whatever appears to support your case and ignore or rubbish the rest. Carry on trotting out supportive evidence even after it has been discredited.
- 4. Create impossible standards for your opponents. Claim that the existing evidence is not good enough and demand more. If your opponent comes up with evidence you have demanded, move the goalposts.
- 5. Use logical fallacies. Hitler opposed smoking, so anti-smoking measures are Nazi. Deliberately misrepresent the scientific consensus and then knock down your straw man.
- 6. Manufacture doubt. Falsely portray scientists as so divided that basing policy on their advice would be premature. Insist "both sides" must be heard and cry censorship when "dissenting" arguments or experts are rejected.