User:Zim ulator/Zim Buddhism

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Reverend Zim_ulator is shown instructing skeptics in zimdo practice, with optional hashish pipe.

“I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction..."”

~ Dalai Lama on ideas His Holiness stole from Zim Buddhism

Zim Buddhism is a degenerate form of actual Buddhism. An accidental encounter with Zen practice in Okinawa in the late 1970s is the cannibis seed of beginning.

The Principle of zimizm, an Anti-cult[edit]

“zimizm ism the schism that ism zimizm”

~ some douche on zimizm

The first duty a novice perform when embracing Zim Buddhism as a way of life is to denounce Reverend Zim_ulator as the One True Salvation of Mankind, the Indivisible, the Bat Fuck Insane, and to break themselves away from the One True Thing into a schism of their very own. The novice may still be called Zim Buddhists, but in actuality, they're created a bud of the Original Tree, and made it their own.

The Four Malleable Truths[edit]

  1. Life is tough, life is hard, so grease it up with antelope lard.
  1. Dickness is a side effect of being human.
  2. Humans can harness their dickness to save sentient all beings.
  3. Stop being such a dick!
  4. They say to transcend being a dick is the Path of Zim Buddhism. Who "they" are is up for debate.

Four Noble Truths[edit]

The Four Noble Truths appear many times, throughout the most ancient Buddhist texts, the Pali Canon. The early teaching and the traditional understanding in Theravada is that the Four Noble Truths are an advanced teaching for those who are ready for them.

  1. There is suffering (dukkha).
  2. There is a cause of suffering (craving).
  3. There is the cessation of suffering (nirvana).
  4. There is the eightfold path leading to the cessation of suffering.

The Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim Buddhism[edit]

Like regular and premium Buddhism, Zim Buddhism has philosophical underpinnings. In our tradition we call them the Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim. These are similar to the Five Pillars of Buddhism that all the fancy-pants Buddhists believe in. Six Abuttments are actual ideas; the odd abuttment is the beginning of the Bridge to Nowhere, and has no corresponding principles rooted in reality. In Alaska this is know as the Sarah Palin Principle, but in the rest of the know world it is called the Excercise in Futility. Reverend Zim_ulator experienced four years of concentrated futility while enlisted in the United States Air Force.

“I blazing your hyena.”

~ n00b on zim buddhism


These are things which must be believed by Zim Buddhists.

  1. Evelyn The Modified Dog is the Doggess of our Faith, and should be worshiped on the Pi of the hour. Evelyn is in fact a dog, but during transmutation of Holy Communion, She becomes the flews and anal glands of the Holy Incarnation of Dog In spirit, however, She lives the life of a cat, in that She does what she damned well pleases.
  2. The Universe began its current incarnation of approximately 14 billion years as a Dog. Roman Catholics misspell this frequently as God.

Embrace your inner dickness[edit]

We are humans, and thus, cannot help being dicks. Hiding this fact behind a facade of ingeniousness leads to unhappiness, and begins a cycle of ever-increasing dickness. This manifests itself as irritability, asshole behavior, and an unhealthy attraction to politics.

The workaround is, embrace your inner dickness and employ it in your humor. In this way, the natural dickness of your spirit has a harmless outlet. This has been proven by Taoist and Buddhist logic; you'll have to take my word for it.

Moral Principles[edit]

  1. Try not being such a dick.
  2. Zulch! Is the auto works! I'm telling you, that's where they take all the cars that they hurt!

Holy Scriptures[edit]

  • Chiropractic for Assholes will instruct one in the ways of flim-flammery.