User talk:Aleister in Chains

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Here is Archive1, 2

Talk to the hand
Talk to me, good cop bad cop preferred
Thanks for stopping by.
Do. You. Want. A. Cook. ie? Do. You. Want. A. Cook. ie? Do. You. Want. A. Cook. ie?

Useful things (edited)

You wanted code?[edit]


This is what I imagine you're like in real life[edit]

...In case you were wondering --Black Flamingo 13:43, May 23, 2010 (UTC)

Ha ha. Now that ya know I gotta send the boyz over for a little talkin' to. Ya better put on ya iron jockstrap unless ya wanna test the strength of dose gummy sacks. Al a coppa minutes lader

In case you don't see my SF Pee Review note[edit]

Please see here and let me know what you think. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:46, May 24, 2010 (UTC)

Laotian help[edit]

Also if you'd like someone to take that Laotian girl off your hands for a while, feel free to let me know. I'd be happy to let her be on my hands. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:49, May 24, 2010 (UTC)

Reinvent the wheel[edit]

Hi Al, I just read the above article carefully. Concept wise it's the best I ever heard of, the freakin' wheel... in a time when only the reader knows what a wheel is. My only question is how did he (reader) manage to go back in time? It's kinda like In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida was without the very song of title, then you added the song, the band, and your insider explainations. Or Parting the Red Sea needed a "reason." If nobody wants to review Wheel, or if you would like me to do it, I'll be glad to review it, because near perfect articles are the most easy to review. When a story is well considered it leaves very little to fix, if any. Whattya say? Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 21:39, May 24

Hi. There is no explanation. When you wake up in an alternative reality, there you are. You just wake up there. Changing timestreams without a horse. Sailing the ocean of now and ending up WOW! He just switched timestreams while he was asleep. Maybe I should put some wikipedia links to alternative realities, or a sentence or two describing the physics or theories behind them. And sure, if you'd like to review it, but please find faults in it and kick my ass. You did find some very serious faults with the James Bevel article, and helped with its form now and hopefully in the future. So as long as you kick me upside the head on the page, appreciated, and thank you. Al sans chains 00:10 25 5 MMX



Well, I'm quite often around, not always editing and not always logged due to laziness ;). And I'm happy you are happy when you see me ;). And no, seems like you didn't edit the page referenced in my discussion. Anyway, it also seems it's a bit late for featuring this material.

I reduced my activity here due to language barrier. I can speak or write reasonably well but my efforts are still depreciated by some people here and it's not nice. So that's why I avoid writing here too much. There are always problems with proofreading etc. (And I became an admin on Polish Uncy ;p (Finally but I'm no longer interested in any adminish work there :P. They just gave me that function for lulz).

By the way, how many features did you get during last 3 weeks? ;). User:Ptok-Bentoniczny/sig 00:30, May 25, 2010 (UTC)

Congratulations on the admin post on Polish Uncy! Nice work. Now I can ask you too, do you have someone who can translate the Mortal Sin page and post it on Polish Uncy? A nice catholic country likes yours would just love that page, photocopy thousands of copies, and pass them out on the streets. Is there a translator there? Thanks. On your pages here, I'd be happy to proofread one of them for language and commas and stuff, not for content as much as to English-ize it. Then maybe other people would volunteer to do one apiece. You write very well for someone whose first language isn't English, and you've added valued material to the site. As for my features, alas, I've had none featured for a month or so. If you want to nominate one or two, please do so, to get me at least one feature. Not many ready right now though. Thanks again, and enjoy the admin post (hey. you can ban Mordillo from Polish uncy!) Al 00:39 25 5 mmx
Thanks. Well, I believe I could translate Mortal Sin to Polish after exams (in about 2-3 weeks). If you want proofread m article, you don't have to ask, just do, and I will be happy with it. (and thanks for info about Mordillo ;D). Cheers User:Ptok-Bentoniczny/sig 12:14, May 26, 2010 (UTC)


If your question in VFD just now relates to the new voting format, I asked the same thing on the VFD talk page...and got nowhere. Spıke ¬ 01:49 25-May-10

I figured I'd just ignore it and go on as before. I liked the informal feeling there, and how people communicated within that format. Different than VFH, and it was a good difference. Al des chains 1:59 25 5 MMX

Recording DKW[edit]

I'll do it some time tonight or during the day tomorrow. Any particularly vocal directions you want to give me? It helps the voice actor quite a bit. User:Dexter111344/sig 00:13, May 26, 2010 (UTC)

Cool. Maybe when you do the photos you can describe them in a normal voice, then read the captions in the voice that you pick for the page. There are the obvious places where it's a more heady feeling, like when the narrator talks about her tongue ring, and her being six foot tall and red-headed! Like WOW, can you believe this woman exists! Then the last section, the academic conference, you can read more seriously, like a news narrator. Make sense? Do you practice once or twice before recording, or do you record a few and then pick the best version? I've never done a reading like this myself, at least not for internet upload. It'll be great fun to hear! Thanks for the heads up too (that's what she says to Dennis) Al 00:19 26 5 mmx
To answer you about my process, I do all recordings in one single shot and fuck up in all of them so I then start off on tangents and singing. By the time I'm done recording, I have two recordings that are complete and I pick which of the two is the least crap. User:Dexter111344/sig 20:29, May 26, 2010 (UTC)

Science Fiction Pee Review[edit]

I Pee Reviewed Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/project aka Science Fiction based on version 4563018 of 15:20, May 24, 2010. I hope this helps! Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  05:44, May 26, 2010 (UTC)

Don't be a Dick[edit]

that rule doesn't work when the OP is being a dick themselves, additionally that whining template should serve to demonstrate the OPs behaviour, if it provokes them, that is their issue and simply demonstrates they're not interested in a proper discussion -- User:Olipro/sig 01:45, May 27, 2010 (UTC)

The template was used and discussed recently. Whining is in the eye of the beholder. I will whine now to show you what I consider whining: I say, my good man, is the present discussion under review being held without a serving of tea and almond cookies? Al few minutes later

Voidism feature[edit]

Dude! You're on such a roll! Even you simply "Nom" an article and it gets featured. Awesome! Al, I want to thank you and the other voters. Where can I find the old voting page for Voidism? I looked around quite a bit without success. The Void is thankful. And 'thankful void' is the best kind. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 07:01, May 27

Infinite thanks from the void.
When the void calls, nobody hears. When the void spends money, no goods are acquired. The void has no hopes and no complaints. The voters for the void can be found right here, in the void. no-Aleister no-in no-chains 11:16 27 5 MMX
Oh, thank what's his name! OK, I think I got every one covered. That article Voidism has been up for a couple years, but it took you and MrN to hone it down and also teach me how to write more suitable for VFH. So Voidism is a joint effort as well as a long-time in the making. BUT, you, jeez, how many features this month? Man you think faster and are more creative than anyone I've seen. People complain on Pee because your too prolific. Duh! That's a real-bad problem, huh? But, it spite of all the page that should be your BEST article is not yet up to par. But will be shortly. BTW: You said, "When the void spends money, no goods are acquired", and organized religion says, "When the void receives money, many goods are acquired!" Cheers and much thanks!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 21:10, May 27

The FAT lady sang?[edit]

Dude. I've done a lot, a LOT, of work on this post-apocalypse December 22, 2012. Maybe you can figure out what's deficient or excessive. It needs to be totally serious sounding, in a very British, upper crust, manner. Any hope? I know this might be a bit soon, but I'm never sure about tomorrow, so no time like the present. Cheers--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 21:50, May 27

Will take a look at some point soon. Thanks for all the silly statements above, you must be drinking some of that Thai juice again. And yes, my best page, People Who Like to Fuck Naked, will keep on improving. I've figured out a way to make the opening and an opening picture family friendly, so friendly that a seven-year-old child could enjoy seeing it. As for the 2012 page, you have over two years to finish it! Al des chains 00:23 28 5 MMX

HowTo:Disperse an angry mob of protesters[edit]

Al, dude! I just got a helpful and inspiring Pee Review on this article, which I have greatly improved and expanded. The article flowed as a result of recent experiences where I am now. As for the start picture, I intentionally give away the punch line because the article is more funny to read if you know where it's headed. Do think it's good enough for me to Nom now? I gotta follow your example. Who has time to wait. Hehe! Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 20:15, May 28

Hi. It seems like more work is needed, take a bit more time on this one and it should be better. Lots of random names in there. Give the tea some time to boil. Let the page find its soul-mate. Don't let the sun tell you which way is up. Fry the beans before tasting the batter. That is all. Al des chains 3:02 29 5 MMX

Wizard of Aus[edit]

Good advice. I may leave it for a while and think of some more Ocker-style slang to Australianise it. Not my area though. --Sog1970 09:23, May 30, 2010 (UTC)

Upsilon Sigma Sigma[edit]

Hey bud, I'm in Europe right now studying for the next month, do you mind taking over duties with USS for the next month or so? I need you to archive all of last month's stuff too. You're a smart dude, I have confidence you can follow the format without any trouble. Leave me a message if you need anything, I'll be checking in on uncyc from time to time. -- Sir SF13 (Talk) Upsilon Sigma Sigma's last completed collaboration GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 09:24 Budapest, Hun 2 Jun, 2010

Re. Afterlife[edit]

What? It's still at the bottom on my screen. Could you post a screen cap of what you see? Btw, my resolution is 1280x1024, if that matters.Sir Padddy5 CUN VFH 18:34, June 6, 2010 (UTC)


Why not just go here and to look at his earliest contributions, and keep going forward if you so wish? Sir Padddy5 CUN VFH 18:34, June 6, 2010 (UTC)

Puritan Poetical Thanks[edit]

Post Apocalypse[edit]

Dude! It's ready for your magic. That Pee made a wee little difference, we could say. I hope Guildy, etc., will like this now. Whattya think?--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 20:24, Jun 7

And I will look soon, it was very good yesterday. My magick has a place when needed, but maybe you've done well. I'll give it a look see before later comes later. I'm on a semi-roll on UnPoetia:Well-Oiled Birds, and will focus on that for awhile today. When it's shaped a little more I want to link every line to a UnNews story on the oil thing, do you have favorites? More soon, Al soon later
Dude! Great! When I saw your edits it reminded me of my own advice in HTBAFANJACF, "spend at least as much time 'deleting' drab facts as you do 'inserting' them." I think it's awesome now. I hope the Pee reviewer will see their advice didn't go in vain. Do you think it's ready for a go on VFH? Please don't Nom anything until New Moon on the 12th (for good luck). Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 11:42, Jun 8
Glad you liked it, I didn't know if you would. I took off the thing on my user page per your advice, all wait for New Moon. Do I see it rising? Al 12:02 8 6 MMX
HERE is what the Pee reviewer thinks about the result of his Pee, and our joint effort for perfection:
Wow, you've really improved this, well done. The narration is awesome. I'll give it a more thorough read through when I have more time and let you know if I have any more suggestions, but again, great work. --Black Flamingo 19:46, June 7, 2010 (UTC)
We don't believe in any post apocalypse, at least not in our life time. I consulted with top astronomers and astrological experts in India, and they say the planets will NOT be in any such unusual positions as to portend any apocalypse in our life time, and Dec 21, 2012 is just another day. BUT, we do love to cross the finish line, which is an FA. An FA is not winning a race, but it is crossing the finish line. Writer of the Year is winning a race, and I'm not in the running. But you are. Anyway, maybe we should include the Pee reviewers above quote if we Nom Post Apocalypse for VFH. I also really improved the final picture. Cheers, dude!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 20:28, Jun 8
Piffle and sticks. On, hey, you changed it, you had Dec. 12, 1012, which is what I was going to comment on. I'll look at the pic. And what's this "we" kemoshobee, your page grew from your brain and I just gave it a haircut. Al few minutes later
p.s. Laughing at the last picture change. Still laughing half a minute after seeing it.
Dude! Take a closer look at that last picture. The cosmonaut on the right has a Russian space logo, the guy on left has NASA space logo. Hehehe!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 11:30, Jun 9
Hi, I came by for a few minutes of innernests. I know, that's one of the things I was laughing at, maybe the US guy (Gus Grissom by the looks of him) finally got his wish. Al 11:46
Hey, thanks for that important info. I just changed the name to Capt. Gus Grissom, Jr. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 16:55, Jun 9 16:55, June 9, 2010


HowTo:Appreciate Womp Rats[edit]

Bro! This had a PEE over a year ago, and I fixed it up. Then when I discovered your "hero" angle it all made sense, and I changed to a HowTo. Would you like to finish this off? One good thing is I write shorter articles, so less work! Does it need another Pee? Or is it ready for a go at the finish line? Jes wonderin' Hey, let me know when Tantra is ready. But I think, perhaps, it should end in the middle. And then make another article out of the 2nd half called HowTo:Tantra, that gives those instructions. Just a re-thought. Wow! Tonight I got my son to watch 12 Angry Men (old b/w classic). And the acting blew his mind. The whole movie is in one room with 0 special effects. And it's riveting! Remember that? Freakin' awesome! Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 18:56, Jun 13

Thanks, will look at Womp Rats soon (in fact their distant cousins, the brown rats, are crawling all over me as I type). Tantra works as one article, imnho, and I've been cutting it back several times today and am getting it in good and less cumbersome shape. Has to have the right balance of data and humour, and your comments plus the pee review really helped. Black and white, naw, can't recall the medium. Although I think the old lady who "said" or "pretended" she had trouble seeing was in on it, and they both pulled the wool over Henry Fonda's eyes. And the movie had the elevated train and the fan in the jury room, both special effects which predated and inspired Lucas' and Speilberg's later efforts. Al sometime during that same day.
Check out these two ditties: Punji Stick and Joe Pesci. You're rubbing off on me. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 17:33, Jun 14

Duran Duran?[edit]

How about this cat Roberto Duran? Only a guy my age would know him, and appreciate the absurd truth in the humor. Any potential here? Hey, HowTo:Be Uncyclopedia Beach Local just got featured on HowTo by the powers that be. Neat! I think Womp Rat is much better. But the point of the featured HowTo is to get people to fucking REGISTER. How's things? I think Guildy's take on your bird poem is really good. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 21:08, Jun 19

UnPoetia:Well-Oiled Birds[edit]

Fun! But I thought - because its OIL, it would look better in black text. Nice blue is being too nice. Just a thought!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 20:38, Jun 8

Nah, but maybe a black background washing in from the bottom right or something, worth a thought. Hmmmmmmm. The text has to be blue, I guess, so people would know to click on, or at least look at, the links. I love the turtle gif, found it on random changes by "chance" (and we all know how much credit "chance" gets in this universe). I went to the zoo today and we saw a zookeeping lady "steal" an egg from a Flamingo nest, under threat of attack from a few flamingoes. Day in the life. Al few minutes later


There seems to be a problem with my admin powers you discussed on my talk page. For instance, I cannot ban. Perhaps you can give me administrative powers into the server so I can investigate a possible software problem? Recall that my expertise and amazingness in the field of physics gives me a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything that it contains. Thanks sir. --Lineintegral123 01:07, June 9, 2010 (UTC)

The discussion involves this note left on Linintegrall's talk page:
You have won easily, and have been appointed an administrator. Please report to Why do I need to provide this? for your duties and things like rollback, banning privliges, ways to circumvent feature voting in order to just pick a feature, etc. Good luck on the site. Aleister the Administrator 21:28 6 6 MMX
Give me a guide here, who is it you'd like to ban? And I also have a question pertaining to the universe and all it contains--I've often thought that time and gravity are identical, which is why a gravity particle cannot be found. Can this theory be eligable for prizes and things immediately, or will it have to have further support amongst the physics communities? Thanks, Aleister 1:12 9 6
I don't have anyone in mind to ban now; I just went to the recent changes page to see if the link was there. Time is part of the fabric of space and not at all the same a gravity, which is a force. Gravitons are independent of the fabric of space. Think of time as another dimension along which objects in the universe can move. Gravity does not share this behavior. Your theory is an epic failure and I will win the Nobel Prize instead for eventually proving a significant grand unification theory. --Lineintegral123 01:15, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
Ah, but gravitons are unfound, unproven, and a failed theory. Time/space implies the existence of a unified force on all things--so time itself connects all objects in space, thus implying a force upon all things. Hence, gravity. Please mail my Nobel Prize forthwith, as I have just beaten you to the gut. (Pats self on back) Aleister 1:21 9 6 MMX
Do you know what an integral is? Thought not. Therefore, you loose and have no understanding of Gravity. Gravitons are not a failed theory, they are simply unproven, just as evolution is. Your logic requires serious work. I'd be willing to tutor you in it after I have tutored you in basic integral and differential calculus. Let me know when you've brushed up on your algebra. Cordially, --Lineintegral123 01:27, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
Yes, I am loose. And yes, gravitons are a failed theory if my theory is true, which it is:Time and gravity are the same thing! Think it over for more than a few seconds of low wattage, mull it in your mind for a day or so. Go to sleep working out the connections. Then you will see that not only am I correct, but that it explains why no one can find gravitons, just like they cannot find fairies, or the Loch Ness monster, because they are not real but ignorant professionals have given "them" a name. Time is gravity, andthe other way around. I not only do not loose, I wynn. Aleister 1:31 9 6 MMX
You can believe what you want. But you have clearly lost. When I'm an admin, I will ban your computer not only from here, but from the internet. Such is the power of a beautiful mind genius such as myself. Euler's number would have been apparent to me without the proof. --Lineintegral123 01:37, June 9, 2010 (UTC)
Ah, Euler, she is hot. Why don't you give me her number, and then her and I can test my time/gravity theory in more ways than 1. Aleister few minutes later
Oh Al, you and your ridiculous pseudoscience. On the other hand, gravity and evolution - that's the same thing too, since they are both "unproven". However you can never really "prove" any scientific theory, so by that logic, time, light, electricity, gravity and evolution are all the same thing. No one has discovered "timetons", for instance. All your Nobel Prize are belong to me. User:Hiatus Hernia/sig204:08, Jun 9, 2010
Your logic is illogical, of course. To be serious, when I was high once I actually went into this very very logical and well thought out and written theory of how time and gravity are the same thing, and it made perfect sense to me at the time and to others later. That's where that came from. But you're right too, so we will share the Nobel and leave Lineintegral on the outside looking woefully in at the celebration. Aleister, signing off 4:16 9 6 mmx
Lineintegral is already outside looking woefully at our celebration for attaining adminhood. User:Hiatus Hernia/sig204:27, Jun 9, 2010

He is envious that I found GUT before him. You see, when time and space divided into two when their real state of oneness slowed down, gravity became the way that time acts upon space. Space acting upon time creates the other forces, all related to electricity, which itself is a space/time read-out of gravity, which is the time/space read out of electricity. In the near future the name Newton, Einstein, and Chains will be said in the same breath. Say it now, just to hear how it will sound to the populace. Has a ring to it, eh! I will sign a photograph for Lineintegall so he can hang it on his mom's basement wall where he can point at it and tell people that he knew Chains before the theory became world famous. And they will say "You know CHAINS?? Are you fucking me??". And he will glow with pride. Chains 23:15 9 6 MMX

This is the best conversation I have ever seen on a talk page. --Black Flamingo 19:05, June 13, 2010 (UTC)
Thank you. Brought to you by "Rice Dream", the ice cream substitute with pazaaz! (only $3.99 at good stores and supermarkets everywhere, 50 cents or 30 pence off with a print out of this coupon)--checkout gals fall in love with you when you hand it to them.) Al later that same day.
It reminds me of this time my friend took ecstasy and drew me a picture, which he claimed was the meaning of life. To me it just looked like a bunch of squiggles, but to him it made perfect sense. When he woke up the next day though, he no longer understood it. --Black Flamingo 16:25, June 14, 2010 (UTC)
Robert Anton Wilson, or Terence McKenna, or another of the greats, says somewhere, to paraphrase, that the reason some people don't come back from their trips adequately explaining their theories is that they have to have the skill and language capacity to write them down in comprehendable form while they occur. Wilson would type his manuscripts "sober", then edit high on good grass, then another edit off of grass, then another on, and the final polish off of grass. Those scribble may have actually held the meaning of life, if only he could have explained them (my main teacher, by the way, told me the meaning of life is to

"learn how we create". Which is the best explanation I've heard when the word "creation" is taken many ways on many "levels". Maybe that's what the squiggles were telling him. But I don't htink ecstasy (which I'm a'gin em) is a good "drug" for mental exploration in the first place, so the squiggles make sense there. Give me grass/hashish/hash oil or sacred mushrooms and I'm a happy camper. Al few hours later

I seem to remember reading some Buddhist text that said the meaning of life was to accept death. I think I pretty much agree with that. On a lighter note, I might take my friend's drawing to Lineintegral, see what he makes of it. --Black Flamingo 19:20, June 14, 2010 (UTC)


You insult me with your idiocy. Change the UCLA article back to second best. Better yet, edit it correctly and change it to best. Now. Or I will steal your rug. --Lineintegral123 01:49, June 9, 2010 (UTC)

Ah, so you admit it is the second best. Very well. Of course Berk is the best. If you steal my rug I will challange you to a bowl-off, and I will win. Aleister moments later
Al - I want to have your babies. Maybe with barbeque sauce. PuppyOnTheRadio sig.gif                                                  Wednesday, 02:32, Jun 9 2010 UTC
I beat you to my babies. Seasoned correctly, they were delicious. After meeting me, the authorities were convinced that the baby mama ran off with them, because who could blame her. I told them "Just don't come snoppin' around my yard with one of those portable ground-x-ray machines if you know what's good for you" and they laughed, thinking it was just about the funniest joke they've ever heard. Playing gotcha with the boys in blue, a true joy. Aleister 4:02 9 6 MMX
I prefer my babies with sweet and sour sauce. User:Hiatus Hernia/sig204:12, Jun 9, 2010
One will be "delivered" forthwith. With fries on the side. Al 12:05 9 6 MMX

Sir?!? Excuse me sir???[edit]

7079-main.jpg Are you enjoying the flight? Can I get you anything? Fluff your pillow? Cook your taco? Adjust your seating, airflow, overhead light or oxygen? Ok then, I salute you! User:Happytimes/sig 12 Jun 2010 ~ 05:08 (UTC)


Was able to check out your latest revision and I have to say I'm impressed. It's looks very solid my friend. I think it deserves to be nommed for VFH so that's what I did.

Peace, Love, and Xbox --User:John Lydon/Sig 12:08, June 15, 2010 (UTC)

You did WHAT? Jesus, Joseph and the baby mama Mary. Thanks, but you've opened up a can of wormy things, and they will crawl out into the sun to be eaten by cute Robins. Aleister 12:11 15 6 MMX


How, exactly, does one say that they shall be attempting to review something? On a thingy. I mean. Though why am I asking when I could probably just look at the source code and what other people did and figure it out myself?

Hmm... perhaps because I probably won't. >.< User:Lyrithya/sig/1 -- 20100615 - 15:46 (UTC)

OK, you seem to have that straightened out. But if not, then just write on the pee review request that you will review it, and give a rough timeframe, like "I will take this, so keep your mitts off of it. It will be done within 10 minutes or 10 hours, and if not done then, maybe within 24 hours. But if the sun comes and goes without it being done, just assume I am dead, and that the neighbors have come to divide up my poccessions , and if luck would have it, one of them may complete the review." Then sign your name, be on your way, and forget about it until Chief reminds you, and then delete his message. Easy as that! Al a little while later
Oh... that... okay, thanks. And delete his message? Is that safe?
And could you tell me if I'm doing any better with reviews? Although you were the nice one before, weren't you... hmm. User:Lyrithya/sig/1 -- 20100615 - 20:01 (UTC)

Well-Oiled Birds[edit]

I reviewed your article--hopefully it's helpful. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 16:56, June 16, 2010 (UTC)

My Draft[edit]

Here's my very-much-revised version of the poem (thus far, anyway)--let me know what you think. We can incorporate stuff from both this and the revised version you're working on into the finished project. Ultimately, though, this is far more your piece than mine, so I'll defer to you on any and all creative differences unless I feel particularly strongly. Anyway, what I have so far:

I’m told that the seabirds don’t mind it at all
That their homes are destroyed,
Their swim slowed to a crawl
As they try and they try to swim through the sludge
That covers their wings
Like a toxic hot fudge.

A crane in my view struts on a shore once so perfect,
Her wings now black glue,
Slim legs stick to long neck
I saw a brown pelican laughing it off,
Pouch sticky with food—
Did I hear him cough?

Oil-soaked Egrets take to the sand—
In throes of surprise
They stick where they land.
Seagulls once flew in the skies high above,
They dove into the sea
And it fit like a glove.

Osprey, sandpipers, ducks, a few storks—
They bob in the oil
Looking somewhat like corks;
They feel the black gold as it rolls off their backs
Down their shocked open mouths
Into tiny air sacs.

For birds never know they’ve been slated to die
So people can profit
Invest, spend and buy.
For while corporate execs just flip us the bird,
Real birds cannot fly
And their cries go unheard.

Though birds suffer and die, the Pigs do okay:
They don't care for the Gulf—
They live far away
In their big corporate houses powered by crude
That currently stains
Birds’ feathers so rude.

White men in black suits look on with a frown:
Not because of destruction—
Their profits are down.
They’ll lie and they’ll spin, no matter the cost
To try and recoup
The dollars they’ve lost.

Stockbrokers fight arm-in-arm buying and selling
Trading presents and futures
(It’s your future they’re selling)
To try and ensure their place in the sun
While we bite the bullet
From their oil spill gun.

The press and the President make like they care
(Barack’s numbers are down,
And the mid-term draws near)
But their words and their rhetoric won’t plug the spill
That sends tons of black death
Into the Gulf still.

Incorporate what you like, leave what you don't, and let me know where you stand on this tomorrow. I'm done working on this for the time being, and will be tearing shit up in Modern Warfare 2 for the rest of the night. Peace. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 03:23, June 17, 2010 (UTC)


...because my review was so damn helpful and all, <notwhoring>I don't suppose you could bring yourself to take a look at this. Eh? Eh?</notwhoring> User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 04:40, June 17, 2010 (UTC)

Second Revision[edit]

I like a lot of what you've done in merging our two respective versions. However, one thing I don't really like is all the stuff not relating to either birds or "pigs," if you know what I mean. I think fundamentally the poem should be one contrasting the plight of the birds and the corporate people responsible for that (and all that stuff about action you wish to put in the end)--this contrast is even implicit in the title "Well-Oiled Birds," with 'Well-Oiled' having obvious mechanical and corporate connotations and 'Birds' meaning, well, birds. On that note, I think all that stuff about fish and mermaids and Bennie the Gimp and Meg Ryan's complexion really detract from the fundamental contrast that's the core of the piece. On that note, here's my second revision:

I’m told that the seabirds don’t mind it at all
That their homes are destroyed,
Their swim slowed to a crawl
As they try and they try to swim through the sludge
That covers their wings
Like a toxic hot-fudge.

A crane in my view struts on a shore once so perfect,
Her wings now black glue,
Slim legs stick to long neck.
I saw a brown pelican laughing it off,
Pouch sticky with food—
Did I hear him cough?

Oil-soaked Egrets take to the sand—
In throes of surprise
They stick where they land.
Seagulls once flew in the skies high above, I like the present tense, brings the viewer intol the scene if its dive, fly, fits, etc.
They dove into the sea
And it fit like a glove!

Osprey, sandpipers, ducks, a few storks—
They bob in the oil
Looking somewhat like corks;
They feel the black gold as it rolls off their backs
Down their shocked open mouths
Into tiny air sacs.

For birds never know they’ve been slated to die
So people can profit
Invest, spend and buy.
For while corporate execs just flip us the bird, the image here is of the execs both giving the finger as well as flipping an actual bird corpse, which explains the language in the next two lines
Real birds cannot fly
And their cries go unheard.

Though birds suffer and die, the Pigs do okay: I'm uncomfortabler with pigs, for several reasons, inc. dated language and that pigs are very intelligent and loving animals
They don't care for the Gulf—
They live far away
In their big corporate houses powered by crude
That fatally stains
Birds’ feathers—how rude!

White men in black suits look on with a frown:
Not because of destruction—
Their profits are down!
They’ll lie and they’ll spin, no matter the cost
To try and recapture
All the dollars they’ve lost. Dollars are particular to some countries and not other. "Income" pertains to both money and their lost incoming oil.

Stockbrokers fight arm-in-arm, buying and yelling
Trading presents and futures
(It’s your future they’re selling)
To try and ensure their place in the sun
While we bite the bullet
From their oil spill gun.

The Congress and President make like they care
(Barack’s numbers are down, paranthesis used in last stanza, two in a row maybe a bit too much
And the mid-term draws near),
But partisan rhetoric won’t plug the spill
That sends Texas-tea death
Into the Gulf still.

I've both tweaked some of my lines to match your revisions where I thought the meter worked better, and tweaked some of your lines to better match mine along similar lines. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 15:54, June 17, 2010 (UTC)

Eh, I suppose. Once again, it's more your piece than mine, so do as you will. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 18:27, June 17, 2010 (UTC)
Feel free to change "pigs" and the like. I would prefer, however, if you retain my changes that improve the meter, particularly the lines "The Congress and President make like they care" and "That sends Texas-tea death." Your version of the former line is, like, fifteen or sixteen syllables long, which totally spoils the meter IMO, and the word "black" in your version of the latter sounds just a bit awkward because it breaks up the two consecutively stress syllables of "tea" and "death." Most everything else I'm not all that attached to, however, so keep what you want. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 18:37, June 17, 2010 (UTC)
Good meter fix, I got carried away there. Your earlier changes which "fixed" the first and last stanza of the earlier draft were exceptionaly good. Maybe black death can go somewhere else, I'll be careful with stress and counts. Will get to this a little later, I'm actually watching the hearings with Hayward, BP's chairman, who has been failing and protecting his behind all day (the best of no good options for him). Thanks, and later, Al a few minutes later
Just got your message--those are all perfectly fair and acceptable compromises as far as I'm concerned. The sea creatures fit much more than Meg Ryan, certainly, and I'm unaware of this whole "Bennie the Gimp" situation, but if it's topical and funny that by all means keep it. I'm pretty flexible when it comes to most of this stuff--I would just prefer more than anything that the meter work, hence my above note. And I was watching those same hearings earlier today for a while. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 18:49, June 17, 2010 (UTC)
The hearings are back on again. I was surprised only one sane person, I mean protester, spoke up at the start of the hearing. Then later. Poor Meg, I bet she wishes she had feathers so she can be included. Bennie isn't topical, a made up mafia name (with the link), just that it's an iconic image for the mob to cement-shoe victims into the deep waters, and here (lol now) Bennie gets the oil in his mouth on the way down. The last two stanzas, I'll put them on your talk page and see if we can work them out when I finish, I hope they work well. And thanks for the vote on wheel, for some reason I really love that page and it's trials on VFH has made me continue to edit it towards a better article, and it's almost there. Appreciated. More later, and this collab is great fun! (except for when it's not. I did the main work on the May frat collab, so will keep myself out of the Taco page for the most part. I hope you can join in on that one, or next months which should be really fun) Al 20:00 17 6 MMX

Thanks for your kite vote[edit]

THANK YOU for voting on Hello there! I'm a kite, and I will ruin your day! You are the BEST! I will kill you. What? I didn't say anything.User:Mrthejazz/sig 02:16, June 18, 2010 (UTC)


I didn't know you were deleted in 2007! I didn't know you even existed in 2007. User:Paizuri/sig7 22:42, 18 June 2010 (UTC)

Yes, and I have come back from the archives to extract my vengence. When that is complete Uncyclopedia will know the extent of my wrath!!!! (sinister laugh) Ya ha ha, Ya ha ha 'Al few minutes later
I knew it...!! The multiple features written by you were all part of a grand conspiracy to take over the world! How could I be so blind? User:Paizuri/sig7 22:52, 18 June 2010 (UTC)
I will not be satisfied with just the world, but will attain the universe quivering under my thumb in order to correct the wrong done my kind in 2007. Join me, and we can make it happen twice as quick. But remember, the dark side rewards with strange gifts. Ya ha ha, Ya ha ha Aleist now, moments have passed
Lemme guess, you're my father too? User:Paizuri/sig7 23:08, 18 June 2010 (UTC)
I don't know about that, but I knocked on your mom's door quite a bit a few years ago. On the Darth Vader thing, did you see the great vid on Doc's talk page? That one had me laughing like a hyena. Now don't you have a paper route and/or a Death Star to get to before dinner? 'leist'r today, at least
Oh snap! I totally forgot about my mission to blow up the Death Star! Thanks mister!! User:Paizuri/sig7 23:17, 18 June 2010 (UTC)
You guys better train hard with brave Womp Rat if you want to succeed in blowing up the death star. Without Womp Rat training you stand no chance. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th.png 08:52, Jun 19

The Ending[edit]

I looked it over and responded on my talkpage. So, um, go there and see what I wrote I guess. User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 14:24, June 19, 2010 (UTC)

A suggestion[edit]

Perhaps, per my suggestions on my talk page that I left in response, something along the lines of this:

Students, housewives, old broken-down hippies
(Who haven't been laid
Since the mid-nineteen-sixties)
Ask for world healing, bring all of creation
To a nonviolent stand:
The United Nations.

"End Earth's destruction!" our request to the leaders,
"Restore lands and waters!"
With the help of the feeders.
So here, a rhymed call for humanity's quorum,
Now gather your friends
At the world's modern Forum!

User:Guildensternenstein/sig2 00:50, June 20, 2010 (UTC)


Your userpage test worked. I'm leaving it alone since its your userpage to mess with. And yes, I'm the same Simsilikesims from the main Uncyclopedia.I'm admin here but not there.Simsilikesims (talk) 05:34, 6 March 2012 (UTC)