User talk:Contestant

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Hello, Contestant, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for nooblets:

If you read anything at all, make it the above two links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (Button sig.png) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Again, welcome! 

The brain welcomes you
Now, being less formal, the above message you will see in every user talk page. However, that not means this is an automated message. Really, I had to click myself on your user talk, copy-paste this stuff and submit it with my own fleshy finger. Now some personal non-official advices:
  • You may think some stuff that appear everywhere here are cool, but those things are utterly overused and not anymore welcome. Among the sophisticated intelligentsia, we call this phenomenon cliché, and Oscar Wilde, Chuck Norris, Russian Reversal and Mr. T. are surelly worn out to the death. Just don't mention them except you have a very good reason.
  • Another stuff we veterans hate is Random Humor. Don't put chicken from Mars in an article about George Washington. That's it.
  • Humor is a subtle subject. You will find people that tell you that talking about excrets is just bad taste - count me among them - and others will find this kind of stuff the pinnacle of subversive irony. Just stay calm and try to learn what works better. No one here will ban you if you don't impose your ideas on already created stuff.
  • Never recreate a deleted article. Never. Never redo a reverted edit. Never.
  • And don't be afraid. We don't eat people. Usually. -- herr doktor needsAraygun Rocket.gif [scream!] 02:54, 17 February 2007 (UTC)

Loved the article you created[edit]

For that, you deserve an award.

--General Insineratehymn 14:49, 17 February 2007 (UTC)

Aye, you might want to check [[Talk:HowTo:Start a Religion]] for added praise. —Braydie 15:02, 17 February 2007 (UTC)

[email protected][edit]

0 This user has contributed 0 pints points to the Uncyclopedia [email protected] Team.

And have a point keepin' userbox. Premier Tom Mayfair 19:31, 17 February 2007 (UTC)

The Real People's Champion is Here![edit]

Prepare to face my wrath. Nobody gets in my way and lives to tell about it. Big Boss 0 02:27, 18 February 2007 (UTC)

Lovely! I've never had a 12-year-old throw down a cyberthreat before. Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 02:28, 18 February 2007 (UTC)
Aw, you got permanently banned before you could do anything. Such a shame. ...No, it's not a shame. Sorry. Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 02:43, 18 February 2007 (UTC)

because you deserve it[edit]

Newcookie.gif User:UNKNOWNFILE has awarded you a cookie!
Now go play in traffic.

For helping me ward off a general annoyance that follows me everywhere. --» >UF|TLK|» 03:12, 18 February 2007 (UTC)

religion follies[edit]

I'm really enjoying your HowTo. It's Brilliant, and you beat me to the punch, I'd always thought this particular HowTo needed to be written. I hope you don't mind my self-serving additions... cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 14:28, 19 February 2007 (UTC)

I'll get in on this HowTo:Start a Religion love. Nice work.--Procopius 14:51, 20 February 2007 (UTC)
Soviet Mayonaise Jar.jpg NeedABrain has awarded you a mayonnaise jar!
For you got the brains. In case of unwanted death, just have your brain tucked in and fill it with serum, formol or mint liqueur. If you can't wait, go tease a lion.

Congrats for your meteoric career here. A small token of recognition, for your own trophy room. ;) -- herr doktor needsAraygun Rocket.gif [scream!] 17:30, 21 February 2007 (UTC)

You suck[edit]

--Lstarmes 02:27, 28 February 2007 (UTC)

Congratulations on becoming n00b of the month![edit]

Take this stupcarp as a complementary gift:


--» >UF|TLK|» 02:53, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

Thanks! ...what's a stupcarp? Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 03:04, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

My Comrade[edit]

Premier Tom Mayfair 18:30, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

Thank you[edit]

Dear Contestant:

A big congratulations on your NooB award, and an even bigger thank you for the vote on Potatochopper of the Month award. It was very kind of you to recognize me for my work. And it was a very nice honor to get after a really horrible past couple weeks. Again, thanks so much. Dame PotY WotM 2xPotM 17xVFH VFP Poo PMS •YAP• 22:52, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

evil audios[edit]

Thanks for contributing 3 evil, malformed, unprofessioa, and thoroughly horrid audios to UnNews... you'll fit in nicely. The little tune you used (I hope you didn't steal it) was interesting. I recommend new users use the "official" UnNews jingles, but that's one's ok with me. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 23:02, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

The hosers.jpg YOU'VE BEEN HOZED!!!

The hosers.jpg
Rev_zim has performed a Hozing on your soul; apparently you've done wrong in the eyes of doG. Take off, eh?!.

Welcome to UnNews[edit]

Here it is, your welcomeing drivel, fresh from the oven. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 23:23, 1 March 2007 (UTC)

The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Zim_ulator, contemplating your fate.

Welcome to UnNews, Contestant, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.

I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.

Good things that can happen to you

You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.

What happened to my article?

If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.

Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.

Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?

UnNews Audio

If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.

UnNews UnFunnies

At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.

This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for the audio![edit]

Greetings! Thanks a lot for adding audio to UnNews:Ice slabs fall in Toronto, mayor calls for 'tons' of salt. It is much appreciated and you did a great job :) - Enzo Aquarius 22:33, 5 March 2007 (UTC)

Get back on IRC![edit]

Get back here, you FFS'er! --Starnestommy 00:51, 10 March 2007 (UTC)
jbndsakdjsadnadadndkjasdnaskdasjdnasd You --Starnestommy 01:14, 10 March 2007 (UTC)

Wa-hey! Free Food![edit]

Bagels.jpg Shalom!
Yum! You've received a basket of delicious fresh bagels from RabbiTechno!

מזל טוב

RabbiTechno 11:37, 29 March 2007 (UTC)


This was great, so I decided to keep it for you.

Bearing in mind that the article content was "Ha!" —Braydie 17:26, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

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Final Score: 50 Terrific! VFH-worthy. Just make a few key changes, like, oh, I don't know, adding shit instead of expecting other people to write it for you?
Reviewer: Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 02:20, 28 February 2007 (UTC)

Thanks from UnNews latest blabber mouth[edit]

Network rage.jpg I'm Mad As...

Thank you for your vote. And, yes, I'm seeking professional help.

Thanks for the vote, mate. I truly enjoy your work as well. Kenvalyi 02:02, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

Johnson family audio[edit]

Since you got the first one, would you mind doing the sequel? Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 16:46, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

Done. --Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 01:54, 3 April 2007 (UTC)


I just listened to your audio version of Slate industry in Wales and enjoyed it. Bravo. I actually had an idea for your audio version of Fisher Price: maybe you could have an elaborate opening sequence like how some books-on-tape do, where they have some flourishing music, publishing information, and some proper-sounding person saying "Fisher Price. By Read by the author." And then what you already have at the end. Just a thought. -- » Sir Savethemooses Grand Commanding Officer ... holla atcha boy» 02:06, 20 April 2007 (UTC)

Oh shit! I've gone all topical![edit]

I realize that it's not a lot of warning, but this needs your magic audio touch. There's no time to waste because, for some reason, I'm occassionally topical. Who knew? --Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 03:15, 22 April 2007 (UTC)


Thank you very much for your vote. This month, do the right thing and vote for Spang. --Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 02:25, 1 May 2007 (UTC)


Care to discuss a little? The article is on Pee Review, in case you are interested. -- herr doktor needsAraygun Rocket.gif [scream!] 21:33, 8 May 2007 (UTC)

At least from a grammatical, spelling, and vocabulary standpoint. --Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 21:43, 8 May 2007 (UTC)
Ah, all right then, that's why I asked for help. It was rewritten preserving some parts but I guess you may credit me for most of that mess. -- herr doktor needsAraygun Rocket.gif [scream!] 21:45, 8 May 2007 (UTC)

Fun with n00bs[edit]


You were whored once by an evil man who has gone from the dark side to the side of goodness. He has ended his whoring ways. he has crawled out of his swamp of depression. He has taken up golf and fishing. He has shaved his face. He has taken a shower. He has eaten breakfast. He has put on a white suit. He has gone back to work. He has gotten engaged. He has taken away the hot picture that used to be here. This template replaces the evil whoring he once did. He is sorry. This message was paid for with positive energy and love

--MajorMajor'GUN' Ggarfield, Le Marquis de Nofu .Complex! 19:45, 10 December 2007 (UTC)

Um, you are aware that you're whoring inactive users? And if you get this message, don't listen to him--Æ 20:21, 10 December 2007 (UTC)

Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:TheLedBalloon/UnNews[edit]

So, are you from MA, too, or did you just look us up on Wikipedia? ;) Actually, a bunch of those are towns that I don't know, are they in Western MA? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 22:45, Dec 13

Both. Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 22:46, 13 December 2007 (UTC)

Have a not-shitty Christmas![edit]

WinterBreakCalendar.PNG Heya, The Led Balloon here, wishing you merry Christmas, or any other holiday you feel like celebrating. Just remember what it's all really about: NO WORK, NO SCHOOL, FREE STUFF!!!
Here's to hoping your school(or work) calendar for December doesn't look too much like this...

Merry Christmas, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 00:37, Dec 17

Christmasbeerbottletree.jpg AE has awarded you a beer in which you help build your own Christmasbeerbottletree (shown right)
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

On a side note, I'm really tired of you Massachussetts guys invading Uncyclopedia. This has to stop--Æ 01:39, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

Bloody Pagans[edit]

Pagans, the Whole Lot of Yous

Premier Tom Mayfair has been a naughty boy this year, but he still deserves a kiss from under the mistletoe. His external organ is fair game.

Premier Tom Mayfair

Yet another christmas template, but with more penis![edit]

I just wanted to wish yew a faggy christmas!
I mean... merry.
I contest yew to have a great christmas! :P
Honest, I meant merry!

~Fag x FS
Faggy, I mean, merry or what?

Et toi[edit]

It's that time of year again!

And we're all asking Santa for what we want, while trying to find the perfect gift for our loved ones. This is just a reminder that for Christmas, rifles are always a hit! Even Santa agrees!

Santa fun with guns.JPG

--MajorMajor'GUN' Ggarfield, Le Marquis de Nofu .Complex! 15:32, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

Merry Xmas![edit]

Bonner would like to wish you

a Merry Christgame
And a happy New Game
P.S, You just lost the game (Bonner) (Talk)

Merry Christmas soon![edit]

Uncyclopedian wishes you have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year's!

Marshal Uncyclopedian! Talk to me!

Christmas cuteness[edit]

Thanks for the card, it's going to look just great hidden down the back of the sofa.
Here's wishing you the cutest Christmas ever!
Not cute enough? CLICK to try again

Yay Christmas! -- sannse esnnas 21:37, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

There, Iowa[edit]

Thanks for the review!! I added a conclusion and a Proofread Template. Do you think it's fine now?--Æ 23:58, 19 December 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, it's much better now. I put the article on UN:PROOF for you. Contestant buzzer.JPG Contestant CUN -- VFH NotM Buzz Ctrbs 00:02, 20 December 2007 (UTC)

Merry holiday celebration thing...[edit]

--Capercorn FLAME! what? UNATO OWS NO!! 08:06, 23 December 2007 (UTC)

Pee review[edit]

Yo, thanks for the review. In fact, have this:

GoldenShower.jpg Rejoice, Contestant! You have been entitled to the
Golden Shower Award
For donating high quality material to the Pee Review.

Thankings aside, I fixed it up a bit, do you still think it's too informal-sounding? I do the official templates and categories after I put it into mainspace, so my subpage doesn't wind up in a bunch of categories. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 22:58, Dec 23

Joyous victory for political correctness![edit]

WinterBreakCalendar.PNG The Led Balloon thanks you for keeping our school systems politically correct to the point of absurdity.
But really, does anyone care?

Thanks for voting, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 23:26, Dec 23

Merry Christmas[edit]

African babies that will make your heart melt with grief.jpg

Merry Christmas. - STM


Thanks for the encouragement. But what does dibs mean? Yongen 92 04:35, 27 December 2007 (UTC) Unnews:Latest attempt to capture Santa Claus fails

Why?:Take Your Fish To Work[edit]

GoldenShower.jpg Rejoice, Contestant! You have been entitled to something that looks similar to the
Golden Shower Award
For doing something nice for Cajek!!!

Thank you anyway, Contestant! I updated the page a little bit based on your suggestions. Especially thank you for being honest. If you think it's vfh, you could nom it. Maybe I should see what a few other people think, though.   Le Cejak <-> (Dec 27 / 05:33)

Thx, can you give suggestions on another new article[edit]

Hey Contestant! thx for your review. Now, I'm working on another article(Unbooks: chicken soup for the chicken's soul). Would u please stop by this page and give osme suggestioons on the article? Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul

Yongen 92 14:30, 28 December 2007 (UTC)


--Æ 00:44, 1 January 2008 (UTC)

Join Unsoc[edit]

User:Jocke Pirat/Unsoc/Invite
You have shown yourself as a worthy contributor to unc and have the skills and experience to help make uncyclopedia a better place. I joined. Why don't you, comrade?--My rank in UNSOC Sir Unknown User (Talk : Cont : VFH : PEE : CUN) Jan 5 21:02

Sorry I'm late[edit]

Enjoy your late thankin'.

SnowySnow.JPG The Led Balloon thanks you for helping him to spread awareness of the plight of Ogle.
Beware the white stuff!

- P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon.gif(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 04:13, Jan 14

PLS Judging[edit]

I'm sending you this because you are signed up to judge the Poo Lit Surprise. If you no longer want to judge or are incapable of doing so, please tell me as soon as possible. If you're still good to go then here are the instructions:

First, read all of the articles in your specified category. Second, judge them. Judge how you like, as long as it's at least fair and based on merit (one suggestion would be to use the Pee Review format). Post your top 5 articles here. Hit me up on my talk page for questions, comments, if these rules are not cognizant within you, or of you don't know what the word "cognizant" means.

Thank you again for your valued participation in the balletic train wreck that is the Poo Lit Surprise! -- [sire] EMC [TALK] 23:34, 27 January 2008 (UTC)

Let's never mention this again, eh?[edit]

-- [sire] EMC [TALK] 20:44, 10 February 2008 (UTC)


Hey, could you help me edit ExOps, a page I made, or at least review it. Thanks.