User talk:Da boi's 5

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Javall McDermid, in a typical moment of genius.

“For fuck's sake, do not approach this guy at 200 meters when he's having one of his 'sugar rages'. Actually, don't even look him in the eye.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the subject of this article

Javall RRRHEEY! McDermid is a 16-year-old professional sociopath, infamous for his ferocious temper and penchant for screaming at random moments. Although little is known about his eventful life, it has been surmised that McDermid works as a mad scientist, often formulating his nefarious plots with his friends, most of whom are employed in a group known only as "L.O.V.E." The group consists of many other diabolical persons, none of which the authors will bother to list on this page. In addition to his side occupation as a member of the “Kool Kidz Klub”, he enjoys consuming obscene quantities of soda and getting into deep trouble.

Life[edit]

McDermid was born, without a doubt, on April Fools' Day 1992 in the village of New York City Chuburkhindji, Abkhazia.[1] The hamlet unto which he aboded was a poor,[2] humble agricultural community run by a gracious anarcho–laissez-faire–Communo–fascist–Nazi regime.[3] Once he reached the age of eleven, he mysteriously snapped for the first time, creating the “J-Virus” out of everything terrifying he could find in the immediate vicinity. After his friends issued a polite rejoinder upon being asked to be the substance's lab rats, he sold the concoction to Soviet Russia, and nuclear tests conducted THEM!! With the moola provided by the Soviets, he was able to hitchhike his way to Las Vegas, Nevada,[4] and commence with his reign of epic terror.

In Elko, Nevada, born and raised McDermid strived to build his empire of dirt. However, he couldn't afford dirt or an empire, so he settled for The Empire Strikes Back VHS tapes and blocks of his own shit[5] as building materials. Just as Rome wasn't built in a day, it took him a total of six weeks to build a decent perpetual motion machine out of these materials.[6] It wasn't long then before he made a quantum leap into time machinery. He tried the machine out, and with barely a flick of his wrist, he went back in time 25 years and destroyed Sylvester Stallone's ability to create competent sentences films.[7] Shortly after this occurrence, he again altered history by turning Abraham Lincoln into an assassin who shot President John W. Booth and forging a certain politician in the depths of Mordor out of pit bulls and hunting rifles. He would eventually gain most of his notoriety through this type of meddling in the murky chasms of time.[8]

Facts[edit]

File:0926080918.jpg
Javall waiting for his next victim.[9]

Notes[edit]

File:0926080921.jpg
Javall shortly after having a spot of Game Fuel. He is now ready for a day of kicking shit and taking middle initials.
  1. ...or so the officials claim. There are a few splinter groups who maintain he was found and transported to Area 51 early in his life, which may explain why he has stated his ancestry as ”¼ Uranian.
  2. Until the discovery of a platinum vein under the village, which transformed the entire population into slumdog millionaires until it caught on fire in 1997.
  3. They were attempting to oppress as many citizens as possible.
  4. Yes, across the Atlantic Ocean, as per Google Maps' instruction.
  5. Hopefully, this will be the only fecal matter joke in this article.
  6. And in the seventh week McDermid ended his work which he had made; and he rested in the seventh week with a keg of Game Fuel. (McDermid 2:2)
  7. God damn it; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot could have been cinematically on par with Casablanca.
  8. Hmmm. Those last seven words should be the title of a porno.
  9. Make no mistake, though — he is an equal opportunity discriminator, and will probably kill you no matter your race.
  10. Ah, shit, we broke our own policy on shit.
  11. Finding type GF-postitive donor blood to aid in repairing wounds of his has pissed off many a doctor.
  12. In light of the trauma, he accepted a 20-ounce bottle purchased by writer/producer S.S. Cummings at the 7-Eleven around the corner.
  13. ...where he is rumored to be genetically altering himself a Pikmin army and the most edible type of dog in history. (Mmmm... dogs.)
  14. You're going to see the real Bob Dole what's-his-name from now on.
  15. His next planned robbery is that of the sign in front of Ass, Italy.
  16. The sensibility of this proposition is puzzling even the most dedicated officials, but we'll know all too much about it before long.