User talk:GlobalTourniquet

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Apologies for the inconvenince[edit]


This user name change is very important to me, so please indulge and forgive me. When I first joined, I didn't know how important my work and my involvement would become to me. This name has a stronger personal identity for me, and I just need to do this. Thank you. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 17:55, 4 March 2009 (UTC)

I often expect others to call me Sycamore, so integral is it to my identity;)--Sycamore (Talk) 18:07, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
I like your new name, there's some really deep meaning to it. -Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 19:32, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
Wish I'd done something like that when I started to realise I was gonna be pretty active on here instead of leaving myself saddled with this username. Ah well, them's the breaks, kids. --UU - natter UU Manhole.gif 10:33, Mar 7
I just wish someone had tipped me off about the over 9000 thing. I really had no idea that existed when I joined! IT'S HAL!!! THE COMPUTER FROM 2001 A Space Odyssey dammit!!! MrN Icons-flag-gb.png 10:36, Mar 7

Prog Rock[edit]

Yeah, so you're a prog head, and I'm a prog head, and basically that's sick as fuck. Some things, though:

  • I do like Dream Theater, even if only four of their ten albums are worth listening to.
  • Spock's Beard does kinda suck.
  • English Prog, needless to say, beats the shit out of American Prog.
  • Opeth is sick as fuck.
  • Porcupine Tree is sick as fuck.

And yeah. Most of those things weren't at all important; I just like making my thoughts known in bullet-form.

Also, I'm going to re-write my Prog-related HowTo at some point in the near future, and if you could give that a looksie when I do I'd be very happy. And yeah, that's basicaly it. --Guildensternenstein 01:31, 5 March 2009 (UTC)


Hi, just wanted to remind you that our current Colonization, Jew, is still going. While things may be looking a bit slow right now, all it takes are a few good Colonizers to breathe some life into it again. Sure, it's going to take some work, but that's what IC is all about! Come on down and give us a hand, won't you?

Much love,
Sir SysRq (talk) 23:16, 8 March 2009 (UTC)


This is good - and its nice to see a bit of sorting etc, but putting your username on it is not so cool as it suggests that beyond improveing them, you sort of own them which goes against the idea a bit. Sorry to be the bastard here:)--Sycamore (Talk) 06:55, 13 March 2009 (UTC)

Funny you should explain that - when I put my name on it I gulped and thought, ooo - if I want that there I need to put this template in my User space. But then I noticed something shiny. (it was an very nice and very unexpectedly quick Pee Review by Kit). So should I move it to my User space then? Thanks. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 06:58, 13 March 2009 (UTC)
Oh no the template is good (I'm a bloody spaz this time of the morning), the link to yourself on it is the offending deed;)--Sycamore (Talk) 07:02, 13 March 2009 (UTC)
Yeah I know. See, actually, I have had no feedback on them at all, and I have this weird self-conscious thing about submitting every napkin scrawl I do to Pee Review, so I just figure I'm playing over here in the corner of the playground by myself. If anyone wants to make a sand castle with me, that's cool, of course. I just didn't want to be all presumptuous as to think that anyone cared about my self-gratification I call UnClassic Film Review. So that's why my notion about moving it to my little space. If you think it might be a fun game for everyone, I'll remove my name or you will. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 07:03, 13 March 2009 (UTC)

Thank you for your Review[edit]

I'm glad you liked most of it, but I'm a bit confused about what you meant towards the beginning about "I just personally felt like it got too strong going forward. I think the author needs to back off here and let the story tell itself." Would you care explaining this a little more, or perhaps providing an example of what you mean? Thanks. --' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 20:11, 13 March 2009 (UTC)

Sure. Funny, when I reread that I wondered if it would seem vague. What I mean is that the author character insulting the "you" character and yelling (in all caps) got to be too much for me toward the end.
There is an author character here. It is the "instructor", if you will. The guy telling the second person ("you", or me, as the reader) how to do this. This character begins with subtlety. I liked it. But in the later sections, this character starts yelling and berating and insulting the "you" character. A little of this I think works fine. I simply felt for my taste that it got to be too much and it actually distracted from the humor of the story. This is a classic case of less is more.
For an example: "Do it. Do it now. DO IT NOW!" I think the author would be more endearing if he weren't so pushy: "Go ahead and do it, my friend." This type of aloof character I think would serve the comedy better. That's all. I would at least hope that you might give it a try to see if you agree. Overall, though, I like this piece a lot. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:32, 13 March 2009 (UTC)
Thanks, I'll work on that.--' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 23:01, 13 March 2009 (UTC)
Look at it now. I changed the unnecessary yelling, but kept a few of the insults, just because I had wanted it to show slightly gradual frustration leading to annoyance in the end. But yeah, the over-enthusiastic screaming is decreased. As for the images, I put out image requests, and I got those two pics, but as for the other two, I don't know. I'm still waiting for a response. I do it myself if I could; I know how but I don't have the resources at the time. I don't suppose you can do them. If nobody responds to the requests, I might just go looking for photoshoppers. (Hunting em' down 1 by 1) Anyways, tell me if you think it's at all better now.--' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 23:18, 13 March 2009 (UTC)


...on your first full-fledged feature. With luck, you'll have as many features as me some day.

"Guildy, you only have two features."


Anyway, congrats.

Sir Guildensternenstein 20:00, 17 March 2009 (UTC)

Well, quality trumps quantity. That's why you have that lovely pacifier. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:28, 17 March 2009 (UTC)
It's like I'm Erich Wolfgang Korngold, and you're Max Steiner. Except Korngold's considered a miserable failure, while Steiner wrote the music for King Kong and Casablanca.

Sir Guildensternenstein 04:09, 18 March 2009 (UTC)


Maybe you and I could gang-bang Terry Gilliam, because that sucks. Or maybe an UnBook, mostly because I haven't written one since my featured one back forever ago. I'd imagine you're fairly well versed in literature from days yore, maybe something along those lines. Or maybe "Thomas Pynchon Novel: Condensed Version," or something. I dunno, I'm just so sick of writing funny modifiers for PLS and am eager to do something else as far removed from that as possible. So yeah. —Sir Guildensternenstein 03:53, 20 March 2009 (UTC)

Wow. A Pynchon UnBook sounds like an undertaking, but if I dedicated some time, we might be able to do that one up (of course, a "condensed" Pynchon book is still 900 pages, I'd say). I've thought a bit about what might be doable for Terry Gilliam, but I haven't come up with anything. Do you have an idea there?
He's best known for being the sixth Python nobody ever saw who did all those wonderful animations, so I thought we could play off that a ton, and mention his Hollywood career in passing (or even not at all). And then the Pynchon work would obviously be about the misadventures of Schlemihl "Bloody" Slothrop, and his sex romp about a major city durring a looming-though-unmentioned historical crisis. —Sir Guildensternenstein 12:51, 20 March 2009 (UTC)


Hi GlobalT, just dropping you a line to thank you for doing a bunch of helpful reviews over the last couple of months, and say that if you wanna join PEEING, just pop over and sign up - you meet all the criteria and so forth. Of course, it's utterly optional. Anyway, whatever you choose to do, thanks for helping out, and carry right on! --UU - natter UU Manhole.gif 11:27, Mar 20

Despite my relative level of success with the reviews I have done, my participation in Pee Review has been out of a sense of obligation rather than pleasure. Hypocrisy is my enemy, integrity is my aspiration: the height of hypocrisy is to dish out what you can't take - the corollary of that is to ask for what you don't give. I like being reviewed, so I swallow hard and put my best effort into doing reviews. When I do them, I make sure they are helpful, appropriate, constructive and even entertaining if possible. But I don't enjoy it - I consider it a necessary evil. So joining PEEING, while I'm sure I could contribute, isn't very attractive to me. Does it come with any rewards that I should know about (I mean besides its own reward, aaaack), like naked dancing girls? --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:13, 23 March 2009 (UTC)

Premature Congrats...[edit]

On your featured article. You've come a long way, Globey. Some day, you might have as many features as me.

"Guildy, GT has more features than you."



Anyway, congrats thought, seriously.

Sir Guildensternenstein 16:52, 24 March 2009 (UTC)


I am afraid that I have no desire to have a coma dedicated to me, as I find it demeaning and insulting. However, I would consider it a somewhat lessened affront to my dignity were you to dedicate a semicolon to me in the stead of the afforementioned comma. Perhaps we can discuss this at a later date?--Blaaargh Blaaaargh 19:18, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

Well, this tremendous honor, which anybody in their right mind would covet, is yours to miss. Did I forget to mention that during the coma in question, if at any point I happen to find myself at all lucid, that I promise to think fondly of you the entire waking time? Does that perhaps make it more attractive? --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 19:22, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
Ah, I must apologise; I misunderstood your proposition. Due to my eraticaly poor grasp of the English language, I mistook the word 'coma' for the word 'comma'. Naturaly, I would be delighted to have a coma dedicaed to my name, but I must request that it be of a duration no less than seventeen days. Thank you for your patience,--Blaaargh Blaaaargh 16:27, 26 March 2009 (UTC)

Thanks anyway![edit]

Neurotic.jpg Neil thanks you for voting!

Obviously by Neil I mean 'I' cos you know that people who refer to themselves in the third person like that actually tend to be kinda narcissistic and I'm not - well I mean I wouldn't say I was - so from now on I'll say 'I', I just had to say Neil so you knew that it was me and not somebody else. So I came here to say thanks for advertising my daily torment I hope that now more people will have a greater understanding of why I'm so dysfunctional. Thanks, did I say that?

For voting for the first time it was nomminated, your support is still apreciated! I mean I think I'm thanking teh right person. You were TPLN correct? :) ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb.png ~Talk~ Gay sign.png 12:54 26 March 2009

TPLN was a mean, rotten guy who stole all of my rightful time using this brain, but I have successfully supressed him. He is still screaming to get out, bugging the shit out of me, so I'll thank you not to encourage him by mentioning the name. That said, did I not vote for it the article the second time? I apologize - for all of his faults, he had exquisite comedic taste and I'm certain his vote was merititious. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 16:55, 26 March 2009 (UTC)

Where's your template?[edit]

You and I did collab on that David Lynch article, and so your userpage should reflect that with a nice little "featured article" template. —Sir Guildensternenstein 20:34, 26 March 2009 (UTC)

My contribution was relatively minor. However, between you and me, shall we maintain that the actual feature score is, say, 3 1/4 (me) to 2 3/4 (you)? So that way I am still winning. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:38, 26 March 2009 (UTC)
A collab's a collab, dude. Don't forget that doing David Lynch to begin with was your idea. I'm not gonna force you ta do anything (because I am greedy), but if you really don't want to take any credit than I suppose that's fine with me if you're fine with it. And my new Metal Gear article's looking like it'll be featured in the very near future, so I will soon be regaining the lead. Muahahahaha. And don't forget your work with the Al Gore IC thing. Per IC rules that counts as half a feature, you know. So in another day or two, we'll both be at 3 3\4. —Sir Guildensternenstein 04:45, 27 March 2009 (UTC)

HowTo:Write Good[edit]

Thanks. I don't mind it being changed; you wrote it, after all. I was just adding to your work.--Blaaargh Blaaaargh 15:35, 27 March 2009 (UTC)


Hey, I'm just wondering since you reverted my edit on the Your Birthday section whether your intention was to keep the same two adjectives for all constellations? --The Dit 01:12, 28 March 2009 (UTC)

I put a note on the edit - my intent is to have them the same on every sign. That's my joke - that actual horoscopes simply tell people what they want to hear about themselves - not something specific to them. By giving every sign the same two banal meaningless characteristics we tell this joke ad absurdum. This way we separate ourselves from (and emphasize) the phoniness of real horoscopes. I also personally think the triplet becomes stronger that way. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 01:18, 28 March 2009 (UTC)

You know[edit]

I just judged your Alfred Hitchcock article (take a look at the results), I read Plink because I noticed that Thinker gave it a high score, I loved Inland Empire, I'm sure you've written other great stuff I forgot about...I think you're my new favorite writer. Or my favorite new writer. Whichever comes first. I believe they come at about the same time, although they mean two radically different things. The point being that I'm glad we finally have a new writer who's making a big impact on Uncyclopedia (not that Guildenblahblahblah isn't a good writer himself). Allow me to buy you a drink sometime. -RAHB 08:11, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

I appreciate the acknowledgement. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing in my own little corner of the playground over here, so thank you. And make mine a Gin and Tonic. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 18:01, 5 April 2009 (UTC)
That makes two of us then. The gin and tonic I mean. I play in my own little corner, but "my own little corner" is Uncyclopedia as a whole, and "playing" is wreaking havoc on the site with my admin powers. -RAHB 21:28, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

You moron[edit]

Now that I have your attention, maybe you would make a nice review here.

I'm not a brit[edit]

No, my native tongue it is not English, but that does not mean I can not write nice articles, BUT you may not perceive the punch-line as I would, meaning not all people think the same. Maybe, you can give me some hints and tips on where I make mistakes.

The last vfh[edit]

Actually, that vfh was just to draw some attention. You, from those who voted fooled me into thinking you tried to read the article, at least, the others just saw some old piss reviews on the article and fired away, matey.

Read the damn article, before making an opinion, top to bottom[edit]

Maybe, just maybe, some times my English is too hard for you, or I'm just wrong. Either, if you don't see something that may go on Broadway, they don't give a damn ( YOU, too) to even start reading the article. I bet my leper-riddled cat that you all just watch the photos, like my child does on his porn mags. The preceding unsigned comment was added by Silicson (talk • contribs)

May I ask, what is your native language? It may help me understand the nature of the mistakes and how to correct them. I speak four languages. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 18:04, 5 April 2009 (UTC)
You will talk in a more friendly tone. I'm not asking like GlobalTourniquet just did, I'm telling you. Understood?
Also VFH in not to be used to "just to draw some attention". It should only be used when the nominator in good faith considers that the page is front page material. If I think that you are doing this kind of thing again I will close the vote imminently, and depending on the circumstances possibly ban you for a short time. Simple eh?
If you are struggling to get people to help you with your articles, I suggest you try helping others more. MrN Icons-flag-gb.png 18:15, Apr 5
Absolutely precious.Actually, my tone was quite friendly.Maybe when you read it, you're tone sounded a little harsh. Perhaps a cold? And what I mean on drawing attention, was that the article is good for front page nomination. (I'm sure that's the maximum thing possible, which I hoped after rewriting it.)

Anyway, my native tongue is Romanian. Can you know what kind of mistakes I'm doing? What languages do you speak?--silicson 14:13, 6 April 2009 (UTC)

I'm not joking. MrN Icons-flag-gb.png 14:18, Apr 6
(sorry to fly in here like a seagull) But I just had to wonder what the word for "ban" is in Romanian?--DRStrangesig5.png Sherman.png Fingertalk.png  13:40, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
It's "ban". We import a lot. But not seagulls.--silicson 14:11, 6 April 2009 (UTC)
Well, Romanian would be beyond my knowledge. Have you tried this out? It doesn't look like it has too much action. Looks like it's the work of one guy. But maybe you could change that. In the mean time, regarding the article in question, we could work on the English, but the joke either escapes me or isn't very funny. As for everyone saying that you need to be nicer, I'll have to agree. Sarcasm in print is a delicate thing, and certainly when you are not able to express yourself precisely, the joke is lost and only simple meanness remains. Your comments are being taken as rude. As native speakers my friends and I can call each other dickhead, and somehow in the friendly language surroudning it we can identify the irony. But when you are working in something that isn't your native language, that becomes too delicate, and you should back off with the snide comments, I think. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:13, 8 April 2009 (UTC)
Romanian is often rather similar to other Romance languages, like French or Italian. Do you know any of those languages, GlobalTourniquet? -Sir Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 22:20, 8 April 2009 (UTC)
I speak French. In fact, I know enough about Romanian to know that my knowledge of French is basically useless. There are general mistakes that may be similar across those boundaries, but mainly I was hoping that if the native language was one that I know, that our vampire friend might be able to express himself in his language and I could find a suitable translation. I have done some translation work in the past. The article is rather hap-hazard, and in fact may be naturally so, in which case no amount of skilled translation work would help it. But I thought I'd give it a chance. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:26, 8 April 2009 (UTC)
You suck more than I do! ^^ Just kidding... But I think you're right. Other culture's print on a language is different the the translations, or someone who translates. The idea might be lost or perceived different. That's the curse of us non-native English speakers. But just to clarify a thing, or brag in a vampirish way, I have my Cambridge Advanced taken with A, so I don't have the level to speak English fluently, native-like. (Not yet! *Vampire laughter in background). But, if let's say I'm below medium, at making funny, understandable English articles, Romanian articles, would be upper stupid ^^ (with mercy). I have bigger grades at English, than Romanian ^^. Maybe, I'm just a n00b in writing. (thought of that?).But seriously now, someone please, do me a thoroughly pee review, the same way you would thoroughly penetrate a vampire's heart with a blunt wood.

(Visit Transilvania! Lord Dracula is alive with our cloning science! Feel the thrill of being sucked by a genuine vampire!*
*50% off for people with blood groups A and 0 ) --silicson 09:32, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

Andrei Tarkovsky[edit]

Thanks for the review. I was considering fleshing it out myself (stuff about his fixation with levitation and of course the obligitory 'filmography' section) but I think that would actually work against the whole feel of the article. The thing I was going for was making it a long in the scroll-whell sense while making it short in the word-count sense, much like his films. I think I will add a levitation section (because that's comedy gold right there), but a filmography section would be too much, in my opinion, by working against the intentional sparse feel of the rest of the article.

Also, Stalker is fucking brilliant and one of my all-time favorite films. Just throwing that out there.

Thanks again for the review. Could you maybe review the revised version for me? Thanks in advance if you do. —Sir Guildensternenstein 01:21, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

I'm thinking I will do that suggested filmography section, along the lines of what you suggested. —Sir Guildensternenstein 14:34, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
Expanded the Tarkovsky article, if you care to take a look. —Sir Guildensternenstein 22:59, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

Most Brilliant Idea Ever[edit]

Just thought of this just now. Maybe, just maybe, you and I could re-write all the "great director" articles. You've done Hitchcock, with both sorta gangbanged Lynch, and I did Bergman and Tarkovsky. I'm sure you're well aware of the fact that most of the director articles are utter shit, and definitely in need of rewriting. It could be our little project, just in time for that Conservation thing. Tell me what you think.

Oh, dibs on Kurosawa. —Sir Guildensternenstein 01:40, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, that'll be cool - you forgot to mention I did the Coens. Perhaps I'll put an effort into Gilliam or Fellini. Oooo - and there is no Jim Jarmusch page.... I'm still down with this damn bronchitis, so my time here is limited for now, but I should be done with it in a week or so. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 15:33, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
Ah, yes, the Coens slipped my mind, which is odd because I reviewed the first draft haha. I was thinking of doing Fellini, though you can take him if you want (just be sure to make it as overtly Italian as possible, with plenty of Federico! 's, as per the constant cries Guido! in 8 1/2). There's also no page on Sergio Leone, plus the articles on Jean-Luc Godard and Michelangelo Antonioni are crap. The article on Tarantino is "bad", but in the best possible way. If you really want we can divy up the great directors amongst ourselves, although it doesn't really matter to me so much as long as I get Kurosawa-san. I also didn't know you had the bronch; good luck getting over that. Never had it myself, but yeah. —Sir Guildensternenstein 20:17, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

Speaking of extended benefits[edit]


It's Naked Barbie Time! Times are tough out there but Barbie and all of her friends sure know how to show their appreciation for your generous vote to feature Economic Collapse Barbie
They'll be seeing you in the bathtub later on tonight!

Well, I'm approaching my one year of being unemployed anniversary and I'm set through 09' with benefits. There's still the last emergency claim that I havn't popped yet. Who knows, I might be collecting another full year from now. I'd rather not but hell, if there's nothing but $10 an hour jobs for twentysomethings out there (if even that) I'm staying home.--DRStrangesig5.png Sherman.png Fingertalk.png  12:03, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

Update: I just read that people in high unemployment regions (like mine) are set through May 31st 2010. After I run out of the 33 weeks I get one more extension and the free ride is over. Hopefully I'll be working before 09' is over.--DRStrangesig5.png Sherman.png Fingertalk.png  13:14, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
Good to hear your weathering it. My problem is the benefits are less than half of what I make, and I have these weird short people running around my house calling me "dad" and asking me for pizza and toys. I gotta get a job. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 15:35, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
Crap, sorry to hear that. That's been one of the few silver linings in my life, no kids, but their just might be nobody I know at my bedside when I die - the drawback.--DRStrangesig5.png Sherman.png Fingertalk.png  15:55, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

HowTo:Get Over Jenny[edit]

Hey, I took your advice from the review (PS thanks for the good review) and it is now on VFH. Do I have your support, my man?--' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 23:43, 10 April 2009 (UTC)

UnNews:Carpenter dominates Pirates in Cardinals win / Who vs. Whom[edit]

Thank you genuinely for correcting that. I have a thorough and genuine love and respect for the English language. However, I do, now and again, mix those words up. The same happens with lay/lie and neither is uncommon, still, I try to be careful. I will add though, that I'm not an idiot, so I don't really appreciate being "spoken to" in that manner, especially over the internet. You can correct someone without being an ass. Otherwise, it just makes you look cowardly. --WesMan20 Nothing to... ... read here (talk) 12:04, 12 April 2009 (UTC)

Sorry, sometimes it's hard to hear facetiousness in writing, isn't it? My comment was delivered in a friendly voice to a fellow language explorer (and equal) behind a knowing smirk. "Whom" sounds awful to me when used correctly, so my facetious comment is based on that, and was not offered in any condescending way. If you heard it with condescension, my apologies. I also still mix up the lay/lie thing when I don't look it up. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 16:42, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
Well then, please forgive me for perceiving it that way. As is common, and as you noted, facetiousness is difficult to interpret in print when you have no history with the person. I wouldn't call myself your "equal", otherwise I'd be an editor myself. I just felt slighted. So, please accept my apologies. In further good faith, I noticed that I used the phrase "had no answer for that" in the article almost three consecutive times. I don't know why I didn't catch that when I proofread it. It's poor form and now I do feel like an idiot LOL. Anyhow, I'll fix that, and again, I am genuinely thankful for the correction. Be well.. -- 15:46, 13 April 2009 (UTC)(Sorry I'm not signed in)...

Thanks for acknowledging my leading vote in favour of your article . I prefer to remain 'Romartus' without title or honour. --Romartus 18:33, 13 April 2009 (UTC)



Do you realize that by supporting HowTo:Get Over Jenny, you are supporting insane, demented, homicidal stalkers everywhere? You should be ashamed.

Guard in park.jpg

Danke schön![edit]



...have you been? I miss you so... —Sir Guildensternenstein 13:45, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

im a whore[edit]

vote for me please--' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 23:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)


You seem to have disappeared about a half a month ago. You all right? Please do come back. --Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 Complain here Vote now! 20:36, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

For Mahm00shA[edit]

Helpful Whoring-- cHeDDaR,6May,2009


It's that time again! YAY WHORING!!!-- cHeDDaR,7May,2009

Der Unwehr[edit]

Check this out, and join if you really want to: User:Guildensternenstein/Der UnwehrSir Guildensternenstein 21:32, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Hey Faggot![edit]

Or alternatively, hi there! I noticed your name was listed on IC. I also noticed that our latest project is in need of some help. So I put two and two together and realized I should ask Modus. When he told me to get bent, I immediately thought of you. I'm setting an arbitrary deadline for this one at next week Saturday, so if sometime in the next week you can tear yourself away from your porn collection and maybe contribute a line or two it'd be appreciated. We're counting on you, <insert name here>! -OptyC Sucks! Icons-flag-us.png CUN18:27, 23 May Dictated; not read.

I saw that![edit]

You made a contribution! -RAHB 21:17, 4 June 2009 (UTC)

It's still in my user space - I'm working on it. Needs an ending. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 21:22, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
Welcome back! Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 21:30, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
Hurray! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:50, 4 June 2009 (UTC)
I don't really know who you are, but your articles rock! Good to have you back! Staircase CUNt 04:59, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

An important announcement from your friends at IC.[edit]

Did you know *snicker*...Ahem. Did you know that SYSRQ IS TEH GHEYZORS? LOLOLOL!

Also, we've decided to keep our Colonization projects contained to Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/project for your watchlisting convenience. Put it in your watchlist and try to remember to add a cuss word or something once in a while eh?

Also also, I heard that Gerry likes the smell of his own farts.

Have fun Colonizers and let's be careful out there. -OptyC Sucks! Icons-flag-us.png CUN15:08, 6 Jun


Alright, so here's the deal:

  • Jim Jarmusch is a solid little article. I like it. I'm not overly familiar with his work, though I have seen Mystery Train, and I have a friend back at college who I swear to God mentioned how awesome Coffee and Cigarettes was on a weekly basis. So yeah. Put it up for Pee and I'll give you somemore in-depth criticism, but the long short of matters can be boiled down to "I like it."
  • Secondly, it would be really cool if you could give this a look, and maybe give me some non-Pee advice on this. I have the feeling that talking to people who A) actually know who these fucking people are, and B) therefore get the jokes, would be helpful.
  • Thirdly, welcome back! How's the whole being-in-wherever-the-fuck-you-are going? Also, how's the job hunt/unemployment been treating ya?

Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:59, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

Oh, also:
  • I started reading Against the Day recently. Good stuff.
The Pynchon book is absolutely brilliant, what parts I've taken time to briefly scan - in the very near future I'll give it the attention it deserves (sounds like my reaction to a real Pynchon book, which means you have eminently succeeded, doesn't it?). I looked at a couple of weeks ago and my jaw dropped at its greatness, but I couldn't read it all just yet. Again, just like with a real Pynchon book. I'm still stuck on Mason and Dixon. Everything before it I've managed to finish. I am putting all of my attention right now on another great one you should check out if you haven;t yet, Don DeLillo. I'm reading "Underworld" - it's great. He's a great writer, very much like David Foster Wallace. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 06:41, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
I am familiar with DeLillo. I read White Noise at around Easter-time, and enjoyed it. I've since bought Underworld, and the last weekend at school before semester's end I picked up Falling Man in a box of free books (along with Player Piano and The Sirens of Titan), which is always nice. Haven't gotten to any of them yet, though I hope to fairly soon. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:31, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Oh, also, I'm really glad you liked my Kurosawa article. What do you think of Duty, though? I'm thinking I'm gonna revise it some, regardless, but I want to hear your preliminary opinion. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:32, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
I was 18 when I read Dubliners, and that was decades ago, but I might be able to rack my brains into appreciation. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 18:10, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Why are you insinuating that I said you said something different than "Underworld"? I definitely didn't. See for yourself. Anyway, yeah, James Joyce is pretty badass. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:06, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Insinuating? I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:33, 9 June 2009 (UTC)


I have two for you. Firstly, join my usergroup, because it's awesome. Secondly, I recall back ages ago that you offered to fix up HowTo:Write a Progressive Rock Song for me; an offer I never accepted. If you want, you can take a stab at it, fix it up accordingly, and yeah. If it makes it to VFH, we'll count it as collaboration between the two of us, that cool? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:06, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

I did help you some with that, you'll recall. The breaking the song into parts was my idea, for instance. I'll have a look and see if I can add anything. For instance, there's still no Roger Dean album art. How do you justify that? --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:31, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Und da für die Gruppe - das ist aber unglaublich! Ich bin kein Nazi - ich möchte nich, dass sich Ihre Partei! --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:38, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
I'm no Nazi either--it's mostly about site improvement, if you read the stuff on the grouppage. I just happen to really really like the whole "Nazi" aesthetic, if you couldn't tell. It also serves as a nice foil to those limey IC bastards and their British infatuation. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:32, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Also, feel free to give Akira Kurosawa a good Peeing. I'm awaiting you to put Jim Jarmusch up so I can give that a good look for ya. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:32, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
I reviewed Jim Jarmusch for you. If you could do the same for Akira Kurosawa, I'd be really happy. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:59, 10 June 2009 (UTC)


Alright, so, I like your idea for Terry Gilliam, though feel free to tackle it yourself. I'm not overly familiar with his work (though I have seen Twelve Monkeys and Brazil and his Python work, obviously), and I'm already "booked" for quite a while as it is. I'm going to rewrite Tom Brady in the near-future, do a collaboration with Mulitliteralist as I promised, finish my D&D series of articles, and then probably write/rewrite The Fifties with IronLung. I'm a little tired of doing filmmakers, anyway. I had to rewrite the Akira Kurosawa article, from scratch, three flippin' times, because the concepts I'd picked prior were really awful, so I'm a little "filmed out". In about a month or so when I do get back on that horse, so to speak, I've got a great angle for a Sergio Leone article, so perhaps you and I could bang that out, but obviously not for a while. In regards to joining Der Unwehr, just read the stuff, add your name to the chart, and get cracking. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:52, 11 June 2009 (UTC)

Also, the new Mars Volta album sucks balls. As a fellow fan of TMV, I thought you should know. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:05, 13 June 2009 (UTC)


Terry Gilliam Pee[edit]

I'll get to it in the next day or two. I've actually just sat down to write my new, improved version of Tom Brady, so I'll be occupied with that for a while. I'll either do it tonight, time permitting, or after I get out of work tomorrow at some point. I'll let you know when it's done. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:41, 15 June 2009 (UTC)

I Pee'd on Terry Gilliam, as you requested. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:24, 17 June 2009 (UTC)

this edit[edit]

Was one of the funniest things I've read today. I was just checking my watchlist and got blown away by the awesome. Nice work. - T.L.B. Baloon.gif WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 18:03, Jun 16

Thanks for the love. Yeah, the funny gods smiled on me there for that one. I don't get much feedback regarding these horoscopes, so when I do nail one, it's good to hear. Because I never whore myself. thanks. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 19:26, 16 June 2009 (UTC)
It's really a shame that we can't feature just a page of horoscopes somehow--there've been a bunch of those that really made me laugh. Hell, you should see if you can't work them into the page on horoscopes and get that featured. - T.L.B. Baloon.gif WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 19:11, Jun 23


I Pee'd it for ya'. It's kind of short, but I tried to be brief (a quality most in-depth Pees sorely lack), so yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:26, 30 June 2009 (UTC)


good work on the horoscopes! i wrote them for several months but got burned out by it, so be careful, but keep up the good work! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:13, 2 July 2009 (UTC)

Hey, thanks. Yeah, I took a couple of months off, uninspired, I guess. But then I picked it right up again when the stars got back in alignment. It doesn't pay much, but it's fun. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 16:15, 2 July 2009 (UTC)

Octahedron (and other stuff)[edit]


It's pretty terrible; whatever you do, don't buy it, because it won't be worth it. I loved the video. Those Hitler videos were 'my thing' very briefly about a year and a half ago, so yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:52, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

And Other Stuff[edit]

You should check out my new article and give it a good Peeing when you get the time, because I know if anyone here will appreciate a good satire of the Christian Right, it's you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:52, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

Good Evening[edit]

Hey GlobalTourniquet, just thought I'd pop by to say I dig your Hitchcock page A LOT - great writing, this is how uncyclopedia should be - as well as Serj Tankan/Plink articles, and to semi-plug myself (but I'd be ever so thankful if you didn't judge either of my writings yet, they're far from finished, also I'm a n00b and need guidance from my superiors) and hence offer exhibit keenness to help out on your Great Directors series. Noone seems to even know Haneke (whether you like him or not doesn't matter, I'm not sure myself), so I guess he can't be included, but I wouldn't mind having a go at Godard, Antonioni, Pasolini, Herzog or Kiarostami or someone... ideas are short to be honest at the moment, nothing jumps out at me that is immediately obvious in terms of satirical possibility, but maybe a bit of discussion could help with that? Keep up the good work --El Sid 18:26, 4 July 2009 (UTC)

Haneke can certainly be included in the "great directors" series--just add his name to the template (provided you know how). And feel free to write more whenever you like. I've unofficially called "dibs" on Godard, but you (Siddhartha Wolf) can certainly do him if you like--I haven't actually thought of an "angle" on him yet I want to pursue, so if you've got one go right ahead. But yeah. Happy writing, Siddhartha Wolf. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:40, 6 July 2009 (UTC)

A Request[edit]

I recently revised IOLT by Thomas Pynchon, and I was wondering if you wanted to give it a Pee for me. I want to know if my additions--which give the UnBook more of a plot, for those non-Pynchon enthusiasts--work or not. And, I know no one will appreciate IOLT more than you, so yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:23, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

There are only two problems with this request right now. One, my attention span has been reduced to zero since I had my dick removed yesterday (well, OK, just an eighth-inch length of the vas deferens from inside the scrotum, but you get the idea), and two, when I first read this I thought it was as close to a 50 point article as could be, and now you've... what? Included a semblence of a story to satisfy non-Pynchon-types? That sounds like complete nonsense to me. Whatever for? I don't get it. Can you justify that to me? --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:24, 17 July 2009 (UTC)
Well, even Gravity's Rainbow has something that sort of seems like a plot, plus I think my additions tie together the random motifs better. Also, it makes the article significantly longer--with Pynchon, longer is better, obviously. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:10, 19 July 2009 (UTC)
Also, my condolences to your scrotum. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:11, 19 July 2009 (UTC)

Fantasy Football[edit]

Would you be interested? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:28, 19 July 2009 (UTC)

Belated apologies[edit]

I was very inactive at Uncyclopedia for a while and didn't get back to you. I feel like I've failed you as an adopter. Sincerest apologies. Glad to see you've been a success despite the neglect, unsuccessful circumcision, and attempts at selling you over eBay though. That warms my spirit and all that over gay shit. -- [sire] EMC [TALK] 22:17, 30 July 2009 (UTC)


But you do need to stop by once in a while. Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 20:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

OK, my bad. I was under the impression that my will was my own, and that the Uncyclopedia community was not a mind-control cult. Congressman Ryan was coming to get me, but I'll tell him to stay home after all, and I'll never leave again. Sorry Sockpuppet. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:40, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
I forgive you. Don't worry about it. Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 20:49, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
But next time it happens, I'm castrating. Myself. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 Complain here Vote now! 20:50, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
It's a harrowing experience. They say it's a minor, relatively painless thing. But my balls still hurt to touch a little, after four weeks. My seven children, however, have caused far worse pain in my life, so there you go. Castrate away, my friend. But my recommendation would be to have a trained professional do it. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:55, 6 August 2009 (UTC), still emotionally wrapped up in his recent vasectomy
So, the crazy foreigner down the street should do it? Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 Complain here Vote now! 23:36, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Poo Lit: The Judgening[edit]

We're looking for judges for Poo Lit. Are you game? Are you?! Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 05:09, 1 September 2009 (UTC)

You know what? I should like to. I haven't had the mental lubricacity to do any writing for a while, but judging quality might be just the ticket to get me pumped back up. That or a lovely hand-job. Do I just put my name under a category in that page or what? How many judges are there in each category? When do we get egg rolls? --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 22:48, September 4, 2009 (UTC)
Yes, three, after the laundry is done. And thanks. Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 23:58, September 4, 2009 (UTC)

The Shins[edit]

I listened to some of their stuff recently, and I could see myself totally getting into them. They'd make a nice change-of-pace from all the Prog Metal I've been listening to lately. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:24, September 16, 2009 (UTC)


I registered for an account and then reviewed your article. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:01, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

You lecherous, lustful, dog. Have you no respect? I bet you cheered for David Letterman too. You people make me sick. Oh, and, thanks. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 21:04, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
Not a problem. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:26, October 3, 2009 (UTC)

It's almost time, you sexy judge you[edit]

Poo Lit ends on the 18st. After that, from 19-25rd, you have to judge (leave your choices here by the start of the 26st). Before that, keep an eye on your category. I'm not saying all Uncyclopedians will cheat and steal to win the coveted Poo Lit Surprise. What I'm saying is all Uncyclopedians will cheat and steal to win the coveted Poo Lit Surprise. Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 00:17, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go-oh-oh! Before the Poo Lit Judging!" ~ The RaMOnes[edit]

That thing you're supposed to do starts on new day GMT tomorrow (leave your votes on User:Modusoperandi/PLS/Results). If you can't do it, talk to me on my talkpage. I'd have emailed you this, but there's no "email this user" for you on the sidebar. Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 03:58, October 18, 2009 (UTC)

You can change your mind...[edit]

...right up to the close of judging. It's only a problem to the nosy bastards watching the judging page, and they don't count. Sir Modusoperandi Boinc! 02:57, October 20, 2009 (UTC)


Glad you liked my Insipid Sentimental Women's Novel. The thing about the end, though, is I wanted it to be as abrupt and jarring as possible. Standard Opera's Book Club convention dictates that the two have a tearful reunion at the end, and there's forgiveness and whatnot, and yeah, and standard comedic convention would probably dictate I do something similar to what you suggested. Instead, however, Susie just gets all indignant-black-woman on the protagonist's ass and huffs out the door. I thought it was funny, at least. The standard comedic convention route would also obviously work, though, and if the general will is in favor of that then I'd probably change it. Anyway, glad you both liked the article and provided relevant feedback. Thanks. (P.S. Hope you don't dramatically change your mind.) —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:49, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

I was actually going to melodramatically change my mind, with the back of my hand at my forehead and an over-the-top desperate look in my eyes. It was very funny as is - I just thought that little addition would be an eye-rollingly funny addition. It's... shall I say... a bit disconcerting how much you know about Oprah's book club conventions... you need to pick up David Foster Wallace or Don DeLillo and be cleansed I think. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 16:47, October 20, 2009 (UTC)
Well, I'm about 2/3rds of the way through Against the Day, actually. I've been reading it forever, and haven't picked it up in about a week--it's amazing how much less appealing recreational reading becomes (as well as how little time you seem to have for it) when virtually all the work for your two liberal arts majors consists of reading. Yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:24, October 21, 2009 (UTC)
This is actually totally random, but a friend of mine mentioned to me in conversation today that she read the excerpt about David Lynch from A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again by Mr. Wallace for her film class. Yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:59, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

Ditto what Guildy said[edit]

Except about my UnNews entry instead of his UnBook. And probably not the stuff about the feedback as there wasn't really much of that. And not as loudly because you get them in the wrong order. But seriously thanks for the kind words. <span class="GenOberst"> PoopyOnTheRadio </span>t 03:08, 22/10/2009

Charlie Kaufman[edit]

The inexplicable magic portal to my review of your Charlie Kaufman article is here. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:46, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

Okay so globaltourniquet (or "was TPLN", as you like to be called)[edit]

Many of the judges do include comprehensive detailings of their scorecards and such, but they just don't put it all on the judging page, because that would just be cluttery, ugly, unnecessary, and drama-whoring. They put the details in a page in their userspace, like THINKER or Under User did. Just sayin'. --Littleboyonly.jpg TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly.jpg 08:30, October 25, 2009 (UTC)

Well, when I was a young PLS winner, the judges put their comments right on the judge page, and we liked it. Young whipper-snappers. Get off my lawn. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 11:22, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
You really give your pal Guildensterinininanstineinsein a run for his money when it comes to saying horrible and pretentious things. I'm going to go move your comments to the talk page now. --Littleboyonly.jpg TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly.jpg 17:29, October 25, 2009 (UTC)
And you're still a dickweed, TKF. (Nice totally-non-biased judging, by the way.) —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:47, October 26, 2009 (UTC)
I'm going to say it here, even though I know it will make no difference whatsoever, but I appreciated the feedback, and what's more I had absolutely no issue where it was left. It's didn't come across as drama-whorish or attention seeking or whatever, but rather as feedback from a peer who was trying to support the creation of good material on Uncyclopedia. And as for pretension, some of the humour here is more high-brow then others, and some of the feedback is more high-brow than others. I much prefer a more high-brow response to my work than someone summarily dismissing it as too texty. (Even if the response is simply an admission that you can't think of a way to improve it - much better than making something up that if I followed would weaken the work.) PuppyOnTheRadio sig.gif                                                  01:44, 27/10/2009
Surprisingly enough, I felt exactly the same way. What's even more strange is that no one (besides TKF, obviously) had a problem with it. Hmmm... —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:12, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
Actually, I did. I originally complained. It didn't fit with the rest of the page. Fucked up the format the others had set a standard for and whatnot. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 Complain here Vote now! 20:17, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
Dex, I think Guildy and Puppy are referring not so much the format of putting the text on the judge page, but of the content of the text. I too can agree that the text on the talk page is a better format all in all, though like Puppy I'm not that concerned about it. But if you read carefully, the vitriol coming from TKF was about more than just the format. He used the words "horrible" and "pretentious" in a way that made it clear that his main complaint is personal. The responses made by Puppy and Guildy are more about the content of the judging, which I think is far more important than where you put it (that is, if you do care enough to put some commentary somewhere...). --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 20:28, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
I know. I never even complained. I just didn't want everybody against TKF. He's mine to lie against. And if he's cheating on me, I swear I'll divorce and take half his money. Pleb CUN KUN Dexter111344 Complain here Vote now! 20:48, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
Well, fact of the matter is that TKF is a jerk-and-a-half that calls people pretentious like it's his job for no adequate reason. If he weren't an admin his general dickishness would have earned him a substantial ban or two long, long ago. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:46, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
I think you're all missing the bigger picture here, namely the fact that GlobalTourniquet doesn't need the "was TPLN" in his sig anymore. Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 23:05, 27 October 2009
Probably, but my point from before stands. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:37, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
You know, Socky, how in those Zen stories, some bland, innocuous thing happens, like the water spills out of a pail or something, and some clueless dude suddenly gets enlightened? Well, that's what happened to me when you said that about my boring sig. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 23:48, October 27, 2009 (UTC)
I am so to say Zen-ish. Sir SockySexy girls.jpg Mermaid with dolphin.jpg Tired Marilyn Monroe.jpg (talk) (stalk)Magnemite.gif Icons-flag-be.png GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 18:39, 28 October 2009


...ya know all those super-awesome Pee Reviews I do for you? Want to maybe look within the kindness of your heart and return the favor? Not that this is a request, or anything... —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:12, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

I'd love to Pee Review this. And I will. But I think it's only fair I should warn you, I might say something horrible and pretentious. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 19:26, October 26, 2009 (UTC)
Well, if that's the case, I'd rather you not review it. I'd much prefer the opinion of someone that passive-aggressively bans people for retorting to their unwarranted provocations, or the opinion of someone that doesn't bother to even leave feedback after their "judging" of other people's work, or the opinion of someone that's just a good old-fashioned prick. Actually, no, no I wouldn't. I guess you can still review my article, then. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:18, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the Review[edit]

It seems a lot of my articles suffer from this "lack-of-consistent-tone" thing. Hmmm.... Anyway, thanks for the review. One thing, though: the US Air Force was called the "US Army Air Force until 1949, because it was subordinate to the Army and not yet its own branch of the military.

In other news, I'll be revising along your advice shortly, and hopefully make some improvements. Thanks. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:28, October 28, 2009 (UTC)


...I just revised the article per your advice. Would you mind giving it a quick once-over and then letting me know what you think when you have the time? Pleeeeeeeeeease? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:40, October 28, 2009 (UTC)

Wow, great job. You chose the subtle route and executed it really well, keeping the understated digs coming. I laughed again re-reading it, and without the twinges of feeling the tone shifting. I'm jealous about how quickly and easily you are able to chop your own stuff up and improve it based on feedback. I find that harder than anything, even though I know I need to. I have been up and down my Terry Gilliam article and I am dreading it. And with that one I can even articulate what is needed, just I fear doing it and ruining it. So congrats to you. --Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 18:34, October 28, 2009 (UTC)
Wow, thank you. The changes I made weren't at all dramatic, or anything, but I'm nonetheless glad you find them so effective. Thanks. I'm going to move the article to mainspace now and nominate it, and then see how it does. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:10, October 28, 2009 (UTC)
Wait! Don't nominate it, you might hurt yourself. Let a real man take care of it. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 21:08, October 28, 2009 (UTC)

Test 1 2[edit]

this is a test --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 21:01, October 28, 2009 (UTC)

this is also a test. A fake test. Necropaxx (T) {~} Saturday, 11:41, Oct 31 2009

It's back up[edit]

You and other people abstained on Jamie Lynn Spears so I asked for it to be withdrawn from VFH. A lot of people said it should be expanded and I promised I'd let people know when it was ready. Well it's back on VFH! Dame Pleb Com. <font="Times New Roman">Miley <font="Times New Roman">Spears (talk) 07:39, November 3, 2009 (UTC)


Rod Serling[edit]

Really dig the article. Do you care if I nom it (who am I kidding, you want it nommed and we both know it, you whore you), or would you rather put it up for be first or get a second opinion or revise it some or something? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:37, November 5, 2009 (UTC)

Nom away, trick. Leave the money on the dresser. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 05:53, November 5, 2009 (UTC)
Didn't realize I linked that wrong. Also, I'm going to nominate it right now. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:27, November 5, 2009 (UTC)

Godot shows up and everything gets weird.[edit]

Thanks for the thanks on Godot shows up. I love the original play (I've read it and seen it on stage). Are you familiar with Tom Stoppard's "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"? It deals with some similar themes. But as it happens your thank box is doing weird things to my talk page. See here. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  18:57, November 5, 2009 (UTC)

User:PuppyOnTheRadio and User:Syndrome have both helped me with code problems in the past, and one or the other of them is often here. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:12, November 5, 2009 (UTC)

I've read "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead," actually. It's one of my favorite plays that I haven't actually seen performed. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:17, November 5, 2009 (UTC)
The Tom Stoppard-directed film with Tim Roth is really excellent. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 19:21, November 5, 2009 (UTC)
Now why does it not surprise me that Guildensternenstein is familiar with Guildenstern? And I love Tom Stoppard. I've read a number of his plays. One of these days I'll have to rent that movie. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:29, November 5, 2009 (UTC)
Hey, GlobalTourniquet, you fixed it! Cool. I'm going to your template right now so I can steal adapt it. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:35, November 5, 2009 (UTC)


I nominated Rod Serling (this morning, actually), just so you know. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:18, November 5, 2009 (UTC)

Thank you so much for taking what was and making it into this (I checked the history). I'm a huge Serling fan and I was so afraid this would suck. I loved it. I recognized probably over a dozen episodes from a few words here and there, and you explained poor Serling's later career (I think I really liked only one episode of Night Gallery) and, most importantly to me, did it as a Twilight Zone episode that really read like a classic Twilight Zone episode. Thanks again. Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  22:02, November 6, 2009 (UTC)
I love him myself, given what he did and the time he did it with the Twilight Zone. His career after it is actually a pretty sad story. This is my homage. Thanks for your comment. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 22:16, November 6, 2009 (UTC)


I left this in the forum as well but here:

MrN9000:s Collaboration page is Whorehouse by another name. Hm. What if you just joined forces with him/that place? I don't see why the page couldn't fulfill two functions. Both ideas should gain popularity by that.

-- Random Oranssiviiva.jpg Man 07:25, November 8, 2009 (UTC)


Thanks <insert name here> for promoting homelessness[edit]

User:Why do I need to provide this?/HTBHIA thanks

Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:35, December 1, 2009 (UTC)

Pee Review of Rock and roll[edit]

I Pee Reviewed Rock and roll based on version 4205532 of 07:08, November 7, 2009. I hope this helps! Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  02:35, December 4, 2009 (UTC)

Thanks, great review. very helpful. Except now I have to go and do shit. And there's nothing I hate more than doing shit. Seriously, the advice about doing a better job of building it up is spot-on. I was wondering what the article was missing, and that's a big part of it. Thanks. Oh, and you missed the link off of the "10". I shall make it more obvious. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 06:22, December 4, 2009 (UTC)

Oh dayum[edit]

Oh Dayum mah bads Mr. Tourniquet I dun realized mah mistake. i promise dat never will i ever do dis ever again so help me god.--Mintyfresh312 02:33, December 11, 2009 (UTC)Mintyfresh312

A Fast and Furious Thanks[edit]



Were you waiting to be recognized?[edit]

Congrats on UnScripts:Waiting For Godot 2: Waiting With A Vengeance being the number two article for November 2009! (And see, I was right--even after I posted this notice on your former identify, you were waiting to be recognized, as GlobalTourniquet!) Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  02:43, December 19, 2009 (UTC)

If you want another helping of Pee Review[edit]

Yes, you probably already know this. But just a reminder that if a Pee Review by any reviewer, including me, doesn't help you in the way you hoped, you are free to request another one. Happy editing! Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  17:33, December 25, 2009 (UTC)

I know it's late, don't bitch at me. Bitch.[edit]


Oh, and thanks for the vote :)
--It's Magically Fucking Delicious


I LOVE YOU JENNY!!Jenny? 20:51,4January,2010

Award from UN:REQ[edit]

Thumbs up2.jpg

This user created New York Yankees, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles. Good for them us!
(for more information, see award statistics)


Duty Calls! Imperial Colonization has been commandeered! With a shiny new, waterproof coat, we're heading out to sea once again. We need you for our next colonization. You have one week to nominate or vote from right now, Sunday the 31st of January 2010, to Saturday the 6th of February 2010. (See Protocol for how to nominate an article for Colonization. And remember, if you vote for an article that means you intend to help colonize it.) Then starting Sunday, 7 February 2010, we will start colonizing another savage land (i.e., improving whichever article gets the most votes). Come on board and vote or nom now, to the glory of Her Majesty!

EXTRA: Our most recent colonization, Transformers, has just been Pee Reviewed. If you're interested in making improvements, please check out the article and the review. With a little work, we may have another glorious Feature article! Wouldn't that be just spiffy? And remember, if you participate and this does get featured, you get one half feature credit!

For the Glory of Her Majesty and by Order of your Fearful Fearless Leader, Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  19:35, January 30, 2010 (UTC)

Thank you!![edit]


Your UnNews about NFL claiming copyright for all sentences was nominated for feature by... me! Yes, I salute you for your great wit and clever humor! Vote on your own article! Polisz.jpgPtokh-BenthonytchnoeHey! You can buy some sausage I illegally smuggle to Uncy! 15:33, February 3, 2010 (UTC)


Congratulations, you've been nommed for a Foolitzer this month. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 11:36, February 5, 2010 (UTC)

Wow, thanks. And you nom me against yourself, that has to be saying something. Maybe it's saying you want to be sure your competition is easy.... I hope it isn't bad form for me to vote for myself against you after you voted for me too, but to me it just means I agree with you. That's a joke, of course. In fact, how about this: I'll switch my vote to you if I need to to keep the vote interesting. But I warn you that this award is the most important thing in my life right now, because I am a gen-X slacker harboring a deep, debilitating ennui. So I will crush you. And your little dog, too. More importantly, either way I will continue to write idiotic fake news. The people of this planet appear to be unwilling to stop giving me material with their unbelievable satire-magnet idiocy. Thanks. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 20:52, February 5, 2010 (UTC)
I see your slack, and raise you a mental illness. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 16:32, February 6, 2010 (UTC)

Just about this...[edit]

I like this article - not as a featureable thingy but just as I found the whole stealing intellectual copyright from a parody source a ludicrous concept, and I used the self reference as I felt the humour would be more effective if I used a parody of a recognisable thing as one of the elements. The assumption here is that people who are reading an article on Uncyclopedia would find the parody of Uncyclopedia more approachable than a parody of College humour or Mad TV, to site the two real life examples that I've used. Is there anything that you feel could be added to this in order to improve it? (Other than more GlobalTourniquet references of course.) PuppyOnTheRadio sig.gif                                                 

In reality the self-reference itself bothers me little, personally. I actually love self-reference, but I temper that with the awareness that it may not be appropriate for the front page. It made me laugh quite a bit, it's a great piece. But I'm dreadfully ADD-stricken, and I find it hard to sit down and give thorough reviews the proper attention they deserve. You may notice that I rarely Pee Review, but when I do I do it pretty well. I hate pat answers, but my ADD often keeps me from studying an article thoroughly until I'm ready to battle it. What I'm trying to say is I haven't combed through this article well enough to know exactly why my initial reaction to it is uncertain regarding my feature-vote. It may be that I am being influenced by my fear of the self-reference Nazis. I will definitely try to take time later to look carefully at it to decide if that's really all it is. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 21:05, February 5, 2010 (UTC)


The Bible says God created the world in six days by himself--our crew of talented colonizers can surely recreate an article in a week and a half! Remember, any Colonizer is welcome to work on our current project, which is the Creationism article. But before you begin, check "READ THIS FIRST" at the top. From Sunday, 7 February to Wednesday, 10 February 2010, a hearty crew of brave colonizers plotted a strong course for the article by consensus. We have the beginning of a great colonization, so go forth and colonize to the glory of Her Majesty!

Special Note for Lobsterbacks (i.e. those who signed up but haven't yet worked on a successful colonization). We plan to keep your name on the honored membership list if you make worthwhile contribution to the article or other parts of Imperial Colonization between 31 January 2010 and the end of this project. If your name is removed from the list, you are welcome to reapply when you plan to become active. Why do I need to provide this?, Uncyclopedian Priest and Buccaneer Admiral of Uncyclopedia Imperial Colonization Project IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems)  05:11, February 11, 2010 (UTC)


I'm a huge fan of the 2/22/10 horoscopes, thanks for that one. I laughed copiously. The Taurus one was fantastic. The HRH MuCal. Tayor Lz4.jpgMUN (Praise!) (CMC!) 19:23, February 28, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed them. And to think how little you had to pay for them, a bargain at any price. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 01:04, March 2, 2010 (UTC)
Your idea to consolidate the astrology pages is resoundingly interesting and potentially one-of-the-classics. Bravo. You probably know that Zana and Funnybony have knowledge and an interest in astrology, so potential allies there. Onward and, u p w a r d. ~ User:Aleister in Chains User talk:Aleister in Chains 2:08 3.3.2Mx
Verrrrryyyyy good. Aleister in Chains :03 6.3.mmx

Imperial Colonization: Creationism and Batman[edit]

IMPORTANT: If you want to make comments on any part of this message, please post your comments on my talk page. I've sent this notice out to about 40 people, and will likely never see your response if you put it on your talk page. But if you insist on doing it anyway (sigh), please at least start a new section using == Your comments == below my signature and make comments there. This message is set up as a template, so if you try to make edits in this message, it will edit it everywhere, and get me nasty notes from admins.

The seventh day of Creationism[edit]

If you haven't heard the rumour, it's true. The new and improved and absolutely perfect version of Creationism has been created. And because it was so perfect, we got it Pee Reviewed so it could be even more perfect. Post-review edits are being done, and will be completed very soon so our colonized version can replace the current Creationism.

I gave credit on The Big Board to every colonizer who worked on the article (if I somehow missed you, put a note on my talk page). I really appreciate everyone's help; I think we have a great article. If this gets featured, however, I feel that only those who made the more substantial contributions should get co-feature credit. Otherwise, someone could add two words and get 1/2 credit for writing a feature article, which doesn't seem fair. (But note that half a dozen people or more could each get 1/2 credit; that's one of the advantages of being a colonizer as aren't limited by the laws of mathematics). Any opinions on this or anything in this notice are welcome on the IC talk page. Buccaneers traditionally work by group consensus, and I'm all for sharing the blame tradition.

I'm Batman[edit]

Our current colonization is Batman. Writing on it begins now. By consensus built over the past few days, this will feature a psychiatrist talking with Bruce Wayne, a delusional Arkham Asylum mental patient who thinks he is some hero named Batman--or is he delusional? See I'M BATMAN for the guidelines for this article.

Any colonizer is welcome to edit the article! Any non-colonizer who wants to apply is welcome to do so on the Imperial Colonization page. We promise we won't throw you to the sharks. Well, probably not.

The future[edit]

We are taking nominations and votes for our next project. As per previous IC discussions, old nominations which aren't in the lead and which haven't received any recent votes will be removed. Check out the current nominations before they fade into history--but an article removed from the list can certainly be renominated. Nominate and vote on the IC page.

Go forth and colonize! Why do I need to provide this?, Uncyclopedian Priest and Buccaneer Admiral of Uncyclopedia Imperial Colonization Project IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems)  03:36, March 4, 2010 (UTC)

Imperial Colonization Buccaneer Admiral walking the plank![edit]

IMPORTANT: If you want to make comments on any part of this message, please post your comments on the IC talk page. I've sent this notice out to about 40 people, and will likely never see your response if you put it on your talk page. But if you insist on doing it anyway (sigh), please at least start a new section using == (Your comments) == below my signature, or click the + tab up above, and make comments there. This message is set up as a template, so if you try to make edits in this message, it will edit it everywhere, and get me nasty notes from admins.

Actually, I'm looking for a temporary assistant/permanent successor as head of Imperial Colonization. I got put in charge of IC because I kept bugging a certain admin. I'd say, "Why isn't somebody doing this with IC?" and "Why isn't somebody doing that with IC?" So that admin basically said "Why, you're somebody; go do it" (see discussion here). But as you can see, I took on the position planning to update IC, get it moving again, and see it through one colonization. Well, that happened. IC was updated and reactivated and, thanks to some great colonizers, Creationism was recreated in a spirit of cooperation, was rewritten on deadline, was Pee Reviewed and, as a bonus, was voter-chosen as a feature article within about a day of being nommed. Our current project, Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/Batman is scheduled to be written by 20 March, and then we'll begin another. IC is moving...and I'm looking for someone to keep it moving. If interested, please post a note on the IC talk page--experienced and successful users only need apply. Ability to say "ARRRRR" like a pirate is not required, but would be nice.

Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  16:38, March 17, 2010 (UTC)

Discordianism vote needed quickly and member retirement[edit]

VOTE DISCORDIAN NOW: We need your vote! On both Creationism and Batman, colonizers who participated came to a consensus on a direction for the article. But on Discordianism, there's been more discord--or at least not a consensus. So we're resorting to (sigh) democracy. Go to Uncyclopedia_talk:Imperial_Colonization/Discordianism#Article_ideas and cast your vote!

You can vote for one or two, comment on as many as you like, but vote quickly--this is an eleventh hour effort, and we will hopefully have a direction in a few hours. I'll be checking the results sometime around 03:00 UTC of 25 March 2010.

ARE YOU RETIRED?: Also note that colonizers who haven't participated in any of the last three colonizations will be moved to the retirement list. Quite frankly, I'm doing this primarily because I have to post each of these notices by hand (I don't have a bot, and sure could use one), and it takes a long time to post to the pages of people who are inactive in IC and even on Uncyclopedia. If you're put on the retirement list and want back on the active list, simply post a request on the IC talk page.

KEEP CHECKING THE IC TALK PAGE: Many important decisions and updates are made and/or described on the IC talk page that are never posted on user talk pages.

POST COMMENTS ON IC TALK. As usual, if you post them on your talk page, I'll likely never see them.

WHY'S REPLACEMENT NEED: A special added reminder that I, Why do I need to provide this? aka Why do I need to provide this?, Uncyclopedian Priest and Buccaneer Admiral of Uncyclopedia Imperial Colonization Project IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems) , am only interim director of IC and need a replacement. My intention was to lead IC just long enough to get it revived, which is a major part of the reason I took the title Buccaneer Admiral instead of Admiral of the Fleet, which is the official title of the head of Imperial Colonization. I plan to abandon ship retire shortly after midnight (UTC) on Saturday, 17 April 2010. I would really like someone to work with me on the current colonization, and I will be happy to assist whoever replaces me during the transition--I do not plan to leave IC, only retire as head. If you're interested, post a note at IC Admiral of the Fleet needed.

Happy colonizations! Rabbi Why do I need to provide this?, humble goylem rabbi of the Temple of Narishkayt and rector of The University of Uncyclopedia, Whynersville Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn)  18:23, March 24, 2010 (UTC)


How's it going, Mr. Tourniquet? It's been a while. Just dropping by to say hi, as well as to inform you that I've renominated Charlie Kaufman, per the very slow VFH situation. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:29, March 30, 2010 (UTC)

Hey, thanks for the successful re-nom, Guild. Unfortunately the real world has reared its ugly head against me and conspired to keep me employed with a brand spankin new job. With a long commute, I've had little time lately to uncyclopediate. I hope to arrange work at home time soon so I can safely edit articles brilliantly instead of develop stupid database apps like I'm supposed to be. Anywayses, thanks. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 05:21, April 12, 2010 (UTC)
A job? Yikes. I'm going to have to get one of those in the next few weeks. Good to have you back, though, even if you spend most of your time "working" now. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:15, April 16, 2010 (UTC)
Yup. Working for a little software company in Redmond, WA. Maybe you've heard of it? They make a bunch of silly desktop nonsense that people seem to go for. --AKA The Pretentious Testicle GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, film critic 01:09, April 20, 2010 (UTC)


I don't want to steal your thunder for horoscopes, but it seemed time to update, so I took the initiative. Thanks for your kind words about my "work". I hope you'll keep doing these when you can, as you're really good at it. cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 03:20, April 18, 2010 (UTC)

Long headline[edit]

I claim that the headline of your UnNews of today is unusually long and asked Zim (at User talk:Zim ulator#Rename, please) to change it. Mordillo said the request should have been made directly to you. Would you please consider a move, to the name I propose or another suitable name? Spıke ¬ 23:18 27-Apr-10

Vote now for Colonisation[edit]

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and other,

As you may be aware we have now reached the point where April's Colonisation, Discordianism, has been successfully moved to mainspace, and we are currently voting on our colonisation for May.

As I have been press-ganged encouraged strongly to take the reigns of IC, I'm sending this out to remind all current and previous members of IC to vote on next months colonisation. Voting is taking place here as we speak. As of 1st of May I will be announcing the page that will get our tender mercies, so I encourage you to vote - or nominate - now.

Good luck, and may the farce be with you!

PuppyOnTheRadio sig.gif                                                  Tuesday, 03:35, Apr 27 2010 UTC

Discordianism has been added to VFH. Go, read, enjoy, vote. PuppyOnTheRadio sig.gif                                                  Wednesday, 09:45, Apr 28 2010 UTC


I hope I haven't stolen any of your thunder, because I've been doing UnHoroscopes lately. I gladly defer to you (or similarly talented users) to do them, as well as comics, or anything else you may care to pass by my Edit-sword. I only do them to refresh them weekly; I'll simply move mine into a queue if you care to do them, and use them later. After all, they are pretty much interchangeable, with a few minor changes. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 16:12, May 30, 2010 (UTC)

So, have you been around? Writing bogus horoscopes is harder then it looks. I'll be glad for your contribution, if you have some time. Cheers! rev. zim_ulator (Talk - Edits Logs) I am the dirt under your rollers. 19:43, June 17, 2010 (UTC)