UnSignpost 11th March 2010
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008
Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery
For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception.
- By Template:U
Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal.
However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history.
One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered!
There is no
Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia.
As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again.
I may even go to Antarctica.
rtantly, there is no
r never has been, a cabal.
A useful HowTo? does not compute!
Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Template:U, Zionist control freak Template:U and
- By Template:U
sucker for punishment workhorse Template:U got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement.
If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.
|From our logs:
- 00:09, 10 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?)
- 18:33, 9 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously))
- 09:19, 9 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.)
- 22:08, 8 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. )
|Biopic of the Week
If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot Template:U. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff Template:U himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him?
|Admin answer of the Week|
Template:U: Why did you huff my page?
Template:U: Because it sucked.
Any questions, folks?
|Horoscope of the Week|
*Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:05, Mar 12
About the whole VFS mess
Do noms count as votes? I'm getting all confused.—Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! NOTM 01:03, March 13, 2010 (UTC)
- No, noms don't count. Since you couldn't vote for the past two days, those who nominated will have to come back and vote. --Roman Dog Bird 01:05, March 13, 2010 (UTC)
Here is a hippie
The Uncylopedia Moderates to Delete Your Account for saying a bad word
you said: F... UNCYLOPEDIA
your error ban expires in:
- thank you come again
UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
Mar 18th, 2010 • Issue 80 • Hold the line! News isn't always on time!
VFS: it begins
As exclusively reported in your super soaraway UnSignpost last week, the voting process for new Uncyclopedia sysops has begun, and so it's time for Signpost mascot and never-popular running joke DogNewspaper to give the traditional unbiased Signpost rundown of the candidates.
- By Template:U
Leading the popular vote at present is long-serving poopsmith and kvetcher Template:U, gaining a seemingly unassailable lead by being helpful, friendly and competent, and by promising to bake cakes for all who vote for him - a ploy which may well have snared the support of more than just the odd swing voter.
In a comfortable position just behind the Rabbi is lengthily-monikered Belgian workhorse Template:U, the joint Uncyclopedian of the Year for 2009, who seems to be gathering followers by being helpful, competent, friendly, and doing loads and loads of stuff. This cunning stratagem has obviously endeared him to the denizens of this wiki, who seem to be propelling him towards having his own banstick.
But hold on, who's this coming up stealthily behind Socky? Why, it's pee review supremo and scourge of vandals everywhere Template:U! The Chief is steadily accumulating backers through the cunning tactic of being competent, helpful and friendly. He also rules PEEING with an iron fist, and spends inordinate amounts of time cleaning and tidying up the place, facts that have led to him coming within striking distance of the leaders in what appears to be a three-horse race.
One thing is clear from this - all 3 of the most popular candidates appear to be helpful and friendly, which this newspaper finds unacceptable - where is the next Template:U going to come from? where will we find an admin willing to infiban users and delete all their articles just for looking at someone the wrong way, or for being Template:U?
Also nominated, and receiving some support are current Writer of the Year and greatest person in the history of all things ever Template:U, diplomat by Uncyc appointment to all religions Template:U, canine broadcaster and damn fine journalist Template:U, allcaps-named VFD machine Template:U, confirmed female on the internets Template:U, easy-to-spell feature-machine Template:U and jaded old-timer Template:U.
Other people have been nominated without recording a score as yet, but as this article is already long enough to have the editor wondering how many filler boxes he can dream up for the right-side panel this week, they just appear as a brief list: Template:U, Template:U, Template:U, Template:U, Template:U, Template:U, Template:U and some bloke called Template:U. Will any of them pick up a sympathy vote before the end of voting round 2?
- By Template:U
The Imperial Colonization is a long standing organisation that has for years been at the cutting edge of creativity of articles for one of the world's most respected websites: Uncyclopedia. Due to a period of unprecedented growth during a time of economic downturn, as most of our members are otherwise unemployed, we are looking for a new assistant to the head of IC. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to work from home.
Your daily duties will include:
- Telling writers that they should be working on the latest colonisation
- Ensuring that changes to current colonisation are consistent with the theme
- Telling writers to stop wasting time on other projects and get back to the current colonisation
- Vetting new applicants to IC to ensure they are of the quality needed
- Telling writers that they should really be working on IC
- Going insane with power (optional)
The relevant applicant will have:
- Significant experience in editing and writing articles for feature
- Preferably have worked on IC or in a related field
- The ability to tell writers that they should really get back to the current project, as it needs to be completed by the 20th of March.
- A fluffy teddy called Norman (optional, but preferred)
This is a rare opportunity. The successful applicant will become next in line to take over the reins of IC when the current head
gets sick of it retires. You will be paid in the half feature credit when a colonised article gets featured, as well as being able to call yourself the assistant to the head of Imperial Colonisation.
To apply, contact Template:U here.
|From our logs:
- 08:26, 17 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Vandal: Oh my, you are just so fucking witty. With wits like that, who needs enemas?)
- 18:53, 16 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked Hyperactive-Sausage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (enjoy your complimantary penis)
- 00:21, 16 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (I THINK 22.214.171.124 SHOULD BURN OR HAVE TO PAY FOR OXYGEN, fuckin fuirt, KILL 126.96.36.199)
- 12:30, 12 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (Cyberbullying: and generally being a retard. Let's get this right... You call your friend Gay, but you like editing the Powerpuff Girls page? Think about that...)
|Biopic of the Week|
We at the UnSignpost pride ourselves on profiling only the finest Uncyclopedians. So how in the hell has it taken us 80 issues to get around to profiling Template:U? A self-confessed female and all-round smartass, Zana has been on this wiki for years, bringing her uniquely feminine touch to the Uncyclopedia Legal Department and a whole bunch of impressive rewrites. She's also been WotM for writing funny articles about flashing beaver, tits, and butter, proving conclusively that she knows exactly how to appeal to the sensibilities of the largely male Uncyc userbase.
|Old-School Featured Article of the Week|
Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! (1959) was a fact-based horror film that played in drive-in movie theaters across America. It is widely lauded for opening the eyes of an entire generation of movie patrons to the blood-curdling terror of a heterogeneous nation.
Filmed in Super Black 'n' White-O-Vision, with monophonic sound recorded in Mono-O-Phon-O-Sound, Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! proved to be a blockbuster that far exceeded the director's humble expectations. The movie's potent real-life lessons held patrons enrapt, while its documentary film-style distracted horny teens, protecting them from the joys of second base for the duration of the action-packed second and third acts of the film.
|Reason to leave Uncyc #341|
Template:U won't quit hoggin' the shower.
|Obligatory Filler Box of the Week|
When you absolutely positively gotta have an extra line or so to balance out the UnSignpost - accept no substitute!
|Horoscope of the Week|
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will say words that are complete nonsense to you because you think they identify a particular culture that you otherwise completely ignore, but that no one of that culture actually ever says. B'gosh and begorrah.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
9001(bot) http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/4/4e/HalIcon.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/c/ca/MrNCyber.JPG 11:50, Mar 18
18:33, March 18, 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Pain of Salvation" [create=autoconfirmed] (expires 23:33, April 18, 2010 (UTC)) (Fucking BEST BAND EVER) (hist)
I fucking love you so hard. -User:Optimuschris/sig23:35, 18 Mar
- the word must be spread. tell all da people. melvins are t eh greetest (even though i haven't listened to them in months. they've got a new album coming out on June 1st though, so i better start again.) --Roman Dog Bird 23:42, March 18, 2010 (UTC)
- I told you I met King Buzzo, right? I'm so much better than you. -User:Optimuschris/sig23:44, 18 Mar
--184.108.40.206 00:43, March 19, 2010 (UTC) I deleted that picture that was the reason you voted delete on the vfd
- Except that I like that photo. It's adorable. Why did I use it for my vote? Well, why not? The page sucks, and I'm going to delete it. Sorry, but it's got enough votes now for me to go ahead and do so. Oh, and you didn't "delete" the photo, you removed it. There's a pretty clear difference between the two. --Roman Dog Bird 01:04, March 19, 2010 (UTC)
--220.127.116.11 00:47, March 19, 2010 (UTC) do you really want rick astely in your closet
- Why does he need rick astely in his closet he got me for that--User:Iwillkillyou333/sig2 (Version 2) 00:55, March 19, 2010 (UTC)
- gtfo --Roman Dog Bird 01:04, March 19, 2010 (UTC)
- But your closet is so nice, it got free nachos--User:Iwillkillyou333/sig2 (Version 2) 01:07, March 19, 2010 (UTC)
- M,m,m,m,m,m, nachos! (I think it may also have R. Kelly.) User:Happytimes/sig 25 Mar 2010 ~ 01:26 (UTC)
I noticed that you banned the ip until judgment day, although he deserves it, I thought it was admin policy to ban ip accounts for only a couple months, since ip address owners change? --Mn-z
01:38, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
- ok --Roman Dog Bird 16:15, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
For personally lifting up In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and throwing it onto the front page. Appreciated. Since two others get credit (PF4Eva and Funnybony) for the page I won't be funny ha ha or gross ech wtf in my thank you. And when the song is googled our page is the 12th listing. TomHanks again. Al in Chains 18:53 25 3 mmx
UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
Mar 25th, 2010 • Issue 81 • So full of news, our news-gut hangs over our news-jeans
VFS reaches third and final round, Uncyclopedians bored to tears
And so the bloated process that is VFS stumbles drunkenly into its third and final stage. All the chaff - that is, those polling low numbers of votes - has been mercilessly pruned, and the wheat - Template:U, Template:U and Template:U - is now being sifted carefully by the admins. And the UnSignpost once more devotes precious space to covering it, even though most Uncyclopedians, with their reduced attention spans, got bored of it weeks ago.
- By Template:U
Once again, the Rabbi appears to be in pole position, and there are rumours that Template:U is already preparing him a traditional Jewish banstick, such is his current lead. Meanwhile, Sock and Chief are neck-and-neck for the second slot, polling three votes each currently. When he interviewed himself for this article, lazy journalist Template:U exclusively told us: "this reflects well on the site - we have three great, very strong candidates, any and all of whom would do a great job if opped. And a number of those who didn't make it to round 3 will probably make a much stronger showing next time. If there is a next time."
All that remains now is to see how the final few days affect the vote, and who finally gets the supreme honour of being able to go delete every single page of shitloads of crappy games that have been nommed on VFD, and the like. Joins us next week for the "From Our Logs" new admin special, when we analyse their first bans, and watch as these new admins mercilessly ban the unlucky loser and abuse their new powers flagrantly. Hopefully.
Top 5 Of-The-Months Become 90% Cheesier
- By Template:U
Well known and completely badass user Template:U, known for his increasing his own self-image, and for being one of the coolest guys ever, has now set a record by being nommed for all four "big" nominations in the same month. Even more impressive, he has been nommed for these four without doing much of anything deserving of awards (besides the aforementioned alleged coolness and/or badassedness). The always tasty Eyetallyan snackfood has been able to hold tightly to last place in each one of these all month.
When asked about his newfound record, the great man/food had this to say: "I always knew I was special. The bag of cheese curls that I referred to as "Mommy" for 15 years would tell me so on a regular basis. Also, suck it bitchez."
Of course the amazing record-breaker would think well of himself, so we went elsewhere, to question his adopted son, Momo. When asked about the excitement over the record, Momo claimed, "Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy." Curiously, his comment did not much relate to the matter at hand, yet it was deemed necessary to include it anyway. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. In other news, it appears that Don Chedds is about to set another record by being the first Uncyclopedian to drastically lose all five major awards in one month. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. Here's to you, CheddarBBQ.
Oh yeah, and Template:U Template:U Template:U had something to do with it as well.
Note: The writer of this article has decided that a fact check as to whether or not either of these are true records would be unnecessary.
|From our logs:
- 23:47, 23 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked Dakotah0 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Being a Dick: Fucking n00bs, editing the UnNews Main Page.... what do you think this is, rimjob? Wikipedia?)
- 09:16, 23 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (stop being so full of fail. seriously, did you have a fail transplant or something? that's a serious fail supply you carry round with you.)
- 05:14, 22 March 2010 Template:U blocked TheUnUncyclopedian with an expiry time of infinite (Have you ever tried to cum in your mouth? I did. I couldn't go through with it though. No way was I going to eat my cum. What the fuck was I thinking? True story.)
|Biopic of the Week|
Tell you what, let's do a bio of someone who's won the WotM award this year - how's that sound? Splendid, knew you'd like it. And you'll like the guy we've chosen too: Template:U. How can you not? He's friendly, cuddly (we're told), and capable of writing a funny article about Corn Flakes. That's pretty much as good as it gets, right there. Unless you have some kind of Corn Flake aversion, but then, if you do, you're beyond help. Probably.
|Day of the Week|
A glut of Sasquatch-related UnNews stories led the very Reverend Template:U to declare March 24th Sasquatch Appreciation Day. He celebrated by spamming a template around a few talk pages. Do those sasquatches appreciators know how to party or what?
|Old school featured article of the Week|
Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay abreast of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, many people have mass-debated over the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.
--User:ChiefjusticeDS/sig 22:45, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
Appeal to your better nature, or worse nature, depending on POV
"Poop throwing monkeys" is on Vote for Good, and some of the monkeys have been calling your name. "Roman," they call, poop in hand and at the ready, "Roman". Also many other good articles on display, ah, voter ready, at the page. Please come, at the bequest of the monkeys! (and Mn-z wrote a new companion piece to ptm, see the link at the bottom of the ptm page. One of us. One of us.) I am but a humble and obedient servant of the Poop throwing monkeys 12:41 26 3 mmx
why was the article bed huffed? -komputerkurt
UnSignpost 1th April 2010 - Always on time
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
Apr 1st, 2010 • Issue 82 • You'd better watch out, you'd better beware: if any news happens, the Signpost will be there
VFS Finishes, New Admins Unleashed, UnSignpost already struggling for material for next week
And there it is folks, weeks of frenzied voting (sorta), underhand whoring (possibly), fevered speculation (mostly by this newspaper, as is the role of the press), and finally apathy and overkill (abour 4 days in to the whole thing), Votes for Sysops has ended, and the unlucky losers are Template:U and Template:U.
- By Template:U
What does this mean? Well, it means there are now two more Brits armed with bansticks loose on the wiki. Their chirpy, endearing optimism and approachability has already been replaced by the dead-eyed stare and world-weary cynicism required by sysophood, and their friends on the wiki have all turned into suck-ups looking for joke bans.
When asked for comments, Template:U told us: "I'm willing to accept bribes for huffing articles, banning users, replacing pages with goatse and so on and plan to become as corrupt as possible in as short a time as possible". He also said, when accused of being a "Big Tough Admin Guy": ""Big" - indisputably, but it's all fat; "Tough" - only if you mean chewy; "Admin" - yes, can't argue with that one; "Guy" - only until I've saved enough for the operation". Template:U hadn't commented at the time of going to press, so we made something up: "I'm going to ban everyone, I have judged this wiki, and found it wanting. All must pay", he might have said.
Of course, this situation also means the long-overdue return of the wildly popular Votes for Sandwiches. Already, 3 bread-based snacks have been suggested, and voting is expected to be fierce.
Finally, it also means that the UnSignpost, which has leaned heavily on VFS for
filler its lead story for the last 3 weeks, is now set to struggle heavily for stories for the forseeable future. What desperate straw will we clutch at next week? Find out next thursday!
Frat party; Bring your own kegger
- By Template:U
Finally the fraternal (and sisternal) instincts of Uncyclopedia's finest minds have a place that they can call their own.
ΥΣΣ, otherwise more easily pronounceably known as Upsilon Sigma Sigma, has been founded in the cellar of one of our newest members, who has already earned the level of respect and admiration that many of our members feel. Template:U has taken the initiative of an entrepreneur and put this together with nothing but a jovial spirit and a little bit of random whoring on an excessive amount of member's talk pages.
I've been sitting here, thinking to myself, "gee, Uncyclopedia has a lot of stuff, a legal department, a political party, and an assortment of other great things, but it doesn't have a fraternity." I also noticed that the top 50 wanted articles list hasn't changed in over a year.
|Template:U, Guildy's talk page
In their own charter, they claim that they stand for three thing, being Humor, Honor and Hubris, even if they are unable to spell two of them in English.
Already boasting membership of some of the finest that Uncyclopedia has to offer, including the founder of Der Unwehr and its highest point holding member, it is focused on creating one quality article per month via collaboration. However, rather than covering the same ground so amply covered by Imperial Colonization, it chooses to take its inspiration from one of most neglected sources, Wanted Pages.
However, not content to simply cater to those who like to work together on articles, they also have another focus in their writing sights - Requested Articles. And the third major focus is the betterment of articles by non members through their unstinting work on Pee Review.
While this is still in it's infancy the fraternity/sisternity is looking for
fresh blood new pledges willing to come forth and work for the community, or failing that, people who like to party and eat chocolate cake.
For those who are after more information, feel free to check out ΥΣΣ today. Or tomorrow, if that works better for you. The bar is always open, although not always stocked.
|From our logs New Admins Bumper Special!
- 10:22, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked <insert name here> (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (I told you not to do that)
- 09:59, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (now THAT's a proper abuse of power)
- 09:54, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Zionist conspiracy block)
- 09:50, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) (someone's gotta do it. Besides, over the last year, I've developed a perverse love of poop)
- 09:48, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 years (stop playing with the poop dammit! You're an admin baby!)
- 09:48, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) (Bah)
- 09:47, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes (Not banned enough yet: and being smelly)
- 09:46, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) (I've just woken up! Give me a chance to become accustomed to my new powers!)
- 09:42, 31 March 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs ) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes (Abuse your power dammit!)
|Biopic of the Week|
In honour of the new additions to their ranks, this week's bio profiles the Uncyc admins. Bitter, twisted, and cynical to a man (and they are all men, even the supposed Template:U Template:U), the admins spend their whole lives thinking of trivial reasons to ban people and delete their latest masterworks. Nothing gives them more of a hardon than watching someone lovingly sculpt a perfectly formed Chuck Norris joke, perhaps combined with a Your Mom reference and a sublimely subtle penis penis penis insertion, waiting patiently for it to be realised to the author's satisfaction, and then deleting it, possibly with an insulting message into the bargain.
Their mothers never loved them.
Friday, 04:50, Apr 2 2010 UTC
Hello, Roman Bird Dog. I was just wondering why you huffed/deleted the King Dedede article? Evilgidgit 15:43, April 3, 2010 (UTC)
- VFD --Roman Dog Bird 17:07, April 3, 2010 (UTC)
c u in da summah
You nigger. User:Necropaxx/sig Monday, 06:32, Apr 5 2010
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT THE NIGGER—Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! NOTM 08:04, April 5, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 4/8/10 - Oh hi Signpost.
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
Apr 8th, 2010 • Issue 83 • News even an Uncyclopedian can understand!
We deliver on our promises
- By Template:U
As stated in last weeks edition of the USP, VFS is over, and we've run out of material to be able to fill this particular edition.
Discussion about what to include in here has been vast and varied. Template:U suggested we write an article about how it's his birthday today, but how are we going to be able to write an entire article about his birthday? Especially when the bastard hasn't invited us to his party or shared any of his cake with us.
Other suggestions included writing the value of π to the first 1,000 digits, or planting drugs on an admin. As none of the regular writers are able to do anything mathematical, and we attempted to plant drugs on an Template:U, but they mysteriously disappeared before we could discover them, those options were excluded.
So instead we have gone back to suggestions for what we were going to do for the April Fool's day issue, where Template:U suggested we have an article which simply showed someone being hit in the face with a pie. Working on the assumption that a picture is worth one thousand words, this seems to incorporate elements from most of the ideas we have had so far.
If you are interested in helping to
pad out contribute fine quality writing to the UnSignpost, or just wanting to bring up items of interest for our intrepid team of editors to report on, drop us a line at the press room and we promise we'll be polite when we ignore it.
Spinning some new yarns
Another week, another new Uncyclopedia project, it seems. The latest to be launched is the Summit of Spin, which purports to be "an "office" that makes it easier and more organized to collaborate on article serials". It seemingly has no rules, but claims to provide "a series of tools to facilitate writing", which sounds dangerously close to helpful, if you ask us.
- By Template:U
Intrigued, your ever-alert UnSignpost asked the project's founder, Template:U, for some quotes, preferably lengthy ones for the sake of padding. He responded: "You like the truth, don't you? But you don't like it the way it is now? Join us." Which is all well and good, but doesn't exactly fill this article out anything like enough. Fortunately, he added: "Our door is open for anyone with - in the words of Sir Humphrey Appleby - some moral flexibility." That was slightly more helpful for our purposes.
Fortunately, however, he followed that up with: "Early this year, I felt something was missing in the world. That something was
money truth - and it was specifically missing in my pockets the world of organised news reporting. Whatever is true in the world - like how wooden wheels are far better than tyres made of rubber and wheels made of metal alloys, or how fluffy bunnies are infinitely useful for all kinds of things - I felt I had to bring these things out for people to see. And you, if you are as greedy as I am love truth as much I do, can join forces with me by working for Summit of Spin for a ridiculously low salary, considering how much you have to lie love of truth! I cannot promise you anything else but prolonged court battles blood, sweat and tears in our constant fight for better-paying clients a more honest world!" And we think that just about sums it up without us having to do too much actual reporting, so we'll leave it here. Why not have a look at the Summit of Spin and get involved?
|From our logs:
- 14:26, 6 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (ooh, is this a game of "state the bleedin' obvious"? OK: you're a twat. I win!)
- 15:53, 4 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked Starsky133 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (I have no life and nothing bothers me more than people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." :-))
- 01:22, 3 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Because I said so: Random insertion of the phrase "Monstrous testicles" into an UnNews article is not funny unless you're extrodinarily lucky, and you, my fine douche bag of a fellow human, are not lucky.)
|Biopic of the Week|
You'd think that, him having been on the wiki for over 4 years, having written a bunch of featured articles, and recently become an admin, we'd have done a bio on Template:U by now, wouldn't you? Arguably Uncyc's second most notorious Jew (because no-one ever remembers Template:U is Jewish), and UotM wayyy back in January '08, the good Rabbi now polices the wiki with his kosher banstick as part of the increasingly Semitic but non-existent Cabal.
|Old-School Featured Article of the Week|
I'm a dick. A private dick. That's like a private dancer but with a gun and dances cost extra. That's how we do it in the detective game. It's a game like Clue, but without the cards or the board. Just the dice.
And they always come up snake eyes.
The name is Gwendolyne. Last name's not important. All you need to know is my friends call me Gwendolyne. My friends are bourbon and ice and I haven't spoken to ice in years.
It was a stormy and dark night. Not a dark and stormy night. That's an unrelated story, one that’s got little to do with this narrative. That somber tale has got something to do with Paul Clifford and I'd tell you about it, but the library revoked my card. Something about expositioning too loud last time I was there.
User:Dexter111344/sig 20:19, April 8, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 15/4/10 - Yet another on time delivery.
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
Apr 15th, 2010 • Issue 84 • News? Where we're going, we don't need... News...
Something Scary This Way "Comes"
- By Template:U
A recent infestation of glowing dildos has taken over the front page of Uncyclopedia. Many users were shocked on April 11th when they opened up their web browsers and were treated to bright green replicas of Template:U's penis. Everywhere. Even poor anti-Semite Mel Gibson couldn't escape the wrath of the glowing dick. And the reason for the Scream in Edvard Munch's famous painting was revealed - turns out to have been caused by a hoard of giant glowing Template:U penises - an understandable reaction.
When asked to comment on the matter, users simply refused to acknowledge that they had seen the penises at all. "Well, I for one didn't notice anything. Glowing penii are so common around here that these particular examples of illuminated manhood really didn't make an impression..." said Template:U. Template:U had a different outlook on the whole matter: "of course I noticed, how couldn't I? They were everywhere!" he exclusively told our intrepid reporter. Random internet traffic took notice of the infestation as well, with Template:U commenting" "Ballsack!!!11 alolololololololooll pasfsdkjfhaelkfjds PENIS PENIS PENIS." He was promptly banned.
The infestation passed almost as quickly as it came and a sense of normalcy returned to the main page when the penises retreated into the dark and abysmal graveyard of unused image files. By April 13th, all traces of the Great Penis Invasion of April 11-13 2010 (as it is now being called) were gone. There are, however, unconfirmed reports that the menace still lingers close to the main page, just waiting to strike again soon.
I See IC All At Sea
It has come to the attention of our ever-vigilant reporters (largely because Template:U has been bugging us to write a story about it) that Template:U has decided to stand down as Admiral of Imperial Colonization, the organisation that somewhat amusingly styles itself after British Imperialism, but uses American spelling.
- By Template:U
We didn't need to ask the outgoing Admiral for a comment, as he was falling over himself to give us plenty, so we randomly selected the following: "I'm anal for accuracy", he told us. Among other things.
Anyway, if you want to follow in Template:U's footsteps, and those of his illustrious predecessors in charge of the Colonization project, you can sign up to be considered for the post here. If it helps, you may wear a nice hat (please provide your own hat).
|From our logs:
- 17:54, 14 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (On the charge of flagrant asshattery while in posession of an internet connection, I find you incredibly guilty)
- 20:05, 13 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I never gave you an inaugural joke ban? I blame you.)
- 23:03, 12 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (And the LORD said unto me: "Go ye, and smite the page blankers; they are as shit upon My heavenly sandal")
- 14:44, 11 April 2010 Template:U blocked 220.127.116.11 with an expiry time of 1 day (You sound clever, and therefore I am blocking you to ensure that your talents are not wasted on us.)
- 21:19, 11 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a random ban time (chose your own adventure)
|Biopic of the Week
Continuing our glorious occasional tradition of bio-ing people who haven't contributed for months and half the newer members of the wiki will never have heard of, let's have a look at Template:U. An Uncyc stalwart since 2006, Andorin was voting on VFD, QVFDing stuff and writing good articles when most of today's active users were in short trousers (they're still in short trousers, of course, but it's been a while). In true on-the-ball Uncyc fashion, this hard work was recognised when Andorin was made UotM in November 2009. He was less than thrilled.
|The nostalgic return of Template:U Ban of the Week|
- 11:39, 14 April 2010 Template:U (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (About time I did this. It's been a good two weeks and I haven't done yet.)
--User:ChiefjusticeDS/sig 21:25, April 15, 2010 (UTC)
Stop playing with our emotions like that. Also, I'm planning an exhaustive, in-depth, meticulously researched story on your continuing attempts to leave us behind you like so much effluent for the next issue of the UnSignpost. Would you care to give me, let's say, a paragraph or so of quotes that I can easily pad out to look like a full story? --User:Under user/sig3 11:51, Apr 16
- Well, it's just that, ya know, most of y'all niggas ain't funny. It's like, this suppos' t' be sum kinda Wiki parody right? Then what the hell is this? I really start to lose faith in y'all when you start writing bullshit like that. Now, granted, I ain't no writer myself. I'm incompetent-a-tent at it and tend to quickly lose interest in things. BUT, I feel I do have at least somewhat decent judgment about what's funny and what isn't, even though if I were to comment on such things, it would usually just amount to "This sucks" or "WTF". In addition to people makin' unfunny articles (but there are some GREAT ONES), the vandals are getting so boring! When I start seeing dumb little niggers goin' around blanking things with stuff about how awesome their friends be (when they AIN'T) or cussin' at us with their FUCK YOUS and KISS MY BLACK ASS and all, it gets me worried about what kind of degenerates are frequenting our hallowed turdpedia. Where are the "MOTHER FUCKING NIGGER FAGGOTS" and "I JERK OFF TO TELETUBBIES" douchebags of yesteryear? They're funny! And I miss them, quite dearly. So, in conclusion, I'm lazy and have a tendency to feign insanity. Hey, that's not very hard to pull off on the intronet, y'know? C'mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Oh, and why did I come back this time despite claiming I wasn't coming back 'til summer? C'mon girls, y'know I'm just teasin'. --Roman Dog Bird 16:57, April 16, 2010 (UTC)
- FU ROMAN BIRD DOG I LUV TELETUBBIES GO DIE NIGGERBambifan101
Just saw your vote on Giant Jew Band )thanks( and what a nice way to find out you're back. People have been warring, knives and guns, since you left. Several dead and many injured. But now peace returns to the Kingdom of Uncy. A sigh of relief at peace returning. Al sans chains 23:32 16 4 MMX
- peace? nigga u be trippin. and you're welcome! --Roman Dog Bird 02:23, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
Hey. I've seen that you have a major bone to pick with this article. Do you mind being constructive with it and giving feedback as to why you hate it so much? Monday, 03:47, Apr 19 2010 UTC
- In all honesty, it IS well written for what it is, the theme is fine, and it's obvious how much work you and the others from IC put into it. It's really just a matter of me despising nearly every article we have that's written in first person. I just feel that we become even less of a Wikipedia parody as more are made. Granted, it would get pretty boring if every article had to be in an encyclopedic tone, but take a worthy subject and person willing to write about it and you can get some pretty phenomenal results. Certain people are just more accustomed to writing in this first person style I guess, and I probably can't do too much to change that since all I tend to do is bitch about it and never really back it up. All in all, I've been whining about the Bruce Wayne article recently probably because it's a more recent example. It isn't honestly my least favorite. It's just a matter of timing and me having some opportunites to be a big bitch about it. I know I've made a big deal about it, but I'm honestly not the type of guy who could give out any sort of genuine criticism. I haven't even written an article here, do you think I know what it takes to write one? No. I really oughta just keep my mouth shut since there's no way I could ever offer any real advice in this kind of situation. If there is a way you switch the tone around a bit and still make the article work, go ahead. But if not, leave it. If somebody else could pinpoint any sort of faults about it or whatever, try working it out with them. I respect you all for the work you put into it, but I simply can't bring myself to like it due to my bias towards this sort of writing style. --Roman Dog Bird 20:20, April 19, 2010 (UTC)
- Oh, that issue. It's a good point, but I'm afraid that I don't agree with you. When I write an article my priorities are, in rough order:
- Is it funny
- Is it a parody
- Is it encyclopaedic
- We will, by the very nature of the medium and the frame that we use, never lose the feel of a Wikipedia parody - almost every page here has the basic layout and framework of a Wikipedia article due to the way that the site is set out. But by the same token the Game space and UnTunes are by their nature not a Wikipedia parody. UnTunes, according to Wikipedia, is a parody of iTunes, and Game is not mentioned on the Wikipedia:Uncyclopedia at all. So I think the argument that we should stick solely to encyclopaedic articles was lost somewhere back in 05/06. Monday, 21:51, Apr 19 2010 UTC
- And as for you being not the type of guy who could give out any sort of genuine criticism - Bollocks. I cannot think of a single theatre critic, food critic or film critic who has ever been a celebrated playwright, chef, or director respectively. You do know more about Uncyclopedia than most people, so your criticism is valid for that reason. (Even if I disagree with you.) Monday, 22:01, Apr 19 2010 UTC
- As the recently retired head of IC who oversaw the article, I'll stick my nose in. I remember Gene Siskel once criticized Roger Ebert because Ebert had written a screen play (Ebert actually co-wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls with Russ Meyer). Siskel didn't write a film, but both were respected as prominent movie reviewers.
- I tend to agree with RDB in that it seems like relatively few featured articles are encyclopedic. So far most of the few I've worked on that got featured were, but I've noticed that encyclopedic articles seldom seem to get chosen as best of the month. In the case of Bruce Wayne/Batman, the same person who suggested it be written encyclopedic also came up with the idea of having Wayne in Arkham Asylum. I was favoring a straight wikipedia take-off until I saw the Arkham Asylum idea, and it struck a chord with me and apparently with other colonizers, so that's what we did.
- To add to Puppy's list, HowTos aren't encyclopedic either. When I wrote HowTo:Be Homeless in America, I tried to parody the style of real-life HowTos. I would like to see more encyc. articles, but do think the variety here keeps this site interesting to more people. Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn) 22:29, April 20, 2010 (UTC)
Thanks for your vote to hoist Giant Jew Band onto the front page. We stayed up all night and played for the neighbors. Al des chain 21 4
- Actually, I didn't include HowTos or Why? because these are supposedly a parody of WikiHow and WikiAnswers respectively. And I don't think this would be improved by an encyclopaedic style, or even work comedically as well an an encyclopaedic style. The concept was more that it was a parody of a psych report, which meant that it hit point 1 and 2 above. I consider that if I wrote an article that was encyclopaedic and unfunny that I've failed - Orthodox Monsterist Church is one of these examples, and the only justification I can come up with is that this was a rewrite, and I was limited by the horrible title. Having an encyclopaedic style article about Batman would, imho, be significantly less funny, and as a result significantly less worthwhile being hosted on Uncyc. Funny first, parody second, enecylopaedic third. Wednesday, 02:39, Apr 21 2010 UTC
- As a side note, when I got the article rolling based on Puppy's idea, I looked at real psychiatric reports, particularly one of a man who had committed homicide and got a report that said he was "insane." Several parts of the early version of the article were lifted from real reports (some of those remain, including the heading), and the drugs are real psychiatric drugs (some of those drugs, such as PCP, are no longer used for that as far as I know, and the later added margarita of course isn't). So this is a takeoff of real psychiatric reports in the same sense some articles are takeoffs of real encyclopedia articles. Rabbi WHY??? (shmuesn) 05:34, April 23, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost 1 May
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
April 22nd 1st May, 2010 • Issue 85 • Insert penis joke here
The launch of a new and exciting weekend edition. Maybe.
- By Template:U
"Where is my signpost?" was the cry heard from the world wide masses this week. "There should have been an issue on the 22nd and on the 29th, and nothing seems to have been done about it."
Fear not, gentle reader, for the signpost will not go gentle into the good night. We have instead taken a brief hiatus for no reason that we could conceivably come up with, and now we are back in a blaze of glory.
For those who are unaware of our proud history, the next issue, coming out this Thursday, will mark the (roughly) 2 year anniversary of the creation of the UnSignpost, the unperiodic periodical started by Template:U and Template:U. The good doctor, at the time of the first issue, was asked what his feelings were towards creating the first formalised forum for spam within Uncyclopedia. It was from this that we now have the immortal words "Those assholes better appreciate this. They'd BETTER."
Now, two years on from those words of wit and wisdom, the UnSignpost is still
struggling going strong.
There have been varied reports as to why the USP has not been released. One suggestion is that regular contributors just "couldn't be bothered writing." Others have suggested that it comes down to the unwillingness of the head editor, who was recently heard to say "I'm so against... this... again... (E)xistence is far more than (it) deserves."
One of the more probable reasons for the lack of issues may be that the news has now gone viral, and is available more readily through facebook then it has been previously. One facebook Template:U, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Silent Bob inaction figure, has said of this development "Excuse me, but I think your geek is showing." Dexter111344 supported the move to the social networking site by saying "I won't be joining as I don't intend to ever make a Facebook."
Another possibility is the number of users now communicating via UnSkypelopedia. When asked for a comment, Template:U said "OH FUCKING CHRIST I'VE CUM" Dr.Skullthumper, however, said "I started both of them.", and then wished to make reference to some forum or something.
Template:U, however, was somewhat more constructive, informing this reporter that "Since it's getting close to summer, we'll likely have more calls, as most people's schedules are slowing down. As well as calls, we have the neat little chat thing at the bottom, where everyone sexually harasses each other when calls aren't going." Despite several attempts, I still haven't been sexually harassed.
One reason why users have not been as distracted recently is due to the enormous amount of work going on at PEE review. At present there are articles waiting for review which have been there for over three weeks. For all those who are looking to get the review process back and alive, please pick up an article for review today. Your time and investment into this proud tradition can create the next great article, like the recently featured A wizard did it or the recently nominated UnNews:Windows 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 came out, hailed by Template:U as "the most profound and groundbreaking article to hit Uncyclopedia in over 50 years"
Another reason why many users may be distracted is the number of collaborations that are currently in progress. Of those there is Tim Burton, being cleaned up by the team at ΥΣΣ, lead by the fantastic Template:U. Also starting to make some ground in the spread of reliable information is the team at Multiliteralist/Summit of Spin, lead by the wonderful Template:U. And of course, coming out blinking from seeing the light of Discordianism is the ever faithful Imperial colonization, lead by everyone's favourite canine,
And of course, another reason might simply be that the team here at USP are all running around arranging bake sales to assist with Poo Lit Surprise, the bi-annual competition that actually gives prizes to the winners.
The most likely explanation, however, is that nothing newsworthy ever happens on Uncyclopedia
|From our logs:
- Template:U blocked 18.104.22.168 with an expiry time of infinite (YOU ARE SO COOL SO COOL AWESOME LOL)
- Template:U blocked 22.214.171.124 with an expiry time of 1 day (Ah, that may be true, but you are a wanker, so it evens out)
- Template:U blocked 126.96.36.199 with an expiry time of infinite (YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED IN THE ARSE WHILE WATCHING A YANKEES GAME?)
- Template:U blocked 188.8.131.52 with an expiry time of 1 week (time's up! you need to go to the toilet to do some poopy!)
- Template:U blocked 184.108.40.206 with an expiry time of 1 month (Cyberbullying. Matthew R. would like to point out that while he may be gay, you are banned)
- Template:U blocked YOUR TOO SLOW! with an expiry time of infinite (your spelling is shit, it's spelt "YOU'RE" ... so that means you're a fucking retard)
- Template:U blocked God-Is-Cool with an expiry time of 40 days (Blessed be the Uncyclopedia admins for they shall lead us to the promised land, also bye bye!)
- Template:U blocked God-Is-Cool with an expiry time of 40 years (It took them 40 years not 40 days you bloody heathen)
|There is a particular school of though that says that these fields here should be filled in with any old garbage in order to ensure that both the left and the right hand sides of the USP are of the same length. While we appreciate this sentiment, the truth is that the USP is known to be constantly at bursting point with information that we can't fit into one column, and so this right hand column is essential for the stuff that we can't fit elsewhere.
|The above section is not a prime example of the statement in the section above. Please feel free to ignore it.
- ↑ This may have been taken out of context.
Brought to you by fucking magic. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY 11:48, 1 May 2010
The Great Teletubby War
I genuinely appreciate the changes made to this article. I think it's far more interesting now that the cliches and ramblings have been removed. However, I honestly feel I can further refine this article. If you would, please unlock this article so I can work on it.
Thank you, Rbpolsen ♦ Come Rant · Come Look at all My Crap 01:04, June 11, 2010 (UTC)
- It's all yours. --Roman Dog Bird 03:29, June 11, 2010 (UTC)