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“Utilitarianism is shit. You can't share Deathly Hallows.”

~ Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore on JS Mill and Utilitarianisn
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Utilitarianism.

Utilitarianism (also: utilism) is the belief that the greatest action is the one that causes the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people. So, if little Timmy's playing fetch with Woofter, his faithful pet, and there's two people that want to see an exploding dog, Timmy's gotta sacrifice it to the greater good. Sorry Timmy.

If I was to throw hand grenades into moshpit's at a Slipknot concert this would have nothing at all to do with utilitarianism but it is no doubt a fun thing to do.

Straight Utilitarianism[edit]

When utilitarianism was first implemented, the noble but naive folks at the Evil Atheist Conspiracy tried to get everyone to help each other. To best judge what would give the greatest happiness to the greatest number, they appointed Lord Ho Ho as dictator-for-life to be supreme voice in all such matters.

However, trials such as Kaczynski v. World, where Kaczynski wanted to destroy the whole of humanity with his army of giant rats, claiming this would make him 'a trillion times happier than anyone alive today', made things complicated.

Bent Utilitarianism[edit]

Fortunately, the good people of the Communo-Jewish Masonic Plot saved the day with their unique flavour of utilitarianism, described as rather strawberry with a dash - just a dash, mind - of boysenberry.

The whole 'cridea' was centred around making people appreciate what they'd got. Public loudspeakers would play propaganda to the people, declaring Misery is happiness! Pain is pleasure! OW! OW! OW...mmmmm...yeah!

Intellectuals were rounded up with Sudokus, so they couldn't cause trouble, and people would sell themselves into slavery if they were promised it would be the perverse kind of slavery.

Eventually this perfect world got too literary and some annoying 'protagonist' went and messed everything up. Well.


This kind of utilitarianism hasn't been invented yet, but the League of Extraordinary Sociologists predict that it will become the world-wide dominant social, economic and religious philosophy by next Thursday.

Utilitarianism is a two-way thing, you know, so you don't sacrifice yourself for the greater good. Oh no. They're all sacrificed for you. In a few weeks time, you'll be able to sit back and watch as the human race is burned in a giant bonfire, and feel all toasty and roasty, and of course frostbite shall be warded off.

Happy Utilitarianism[edit]

Also known as the demented theory of the Anti-Christ, Happy Utilitarianism is the idea that people would be happy if other people felt miserable, if only by comparison. The Anti-Christ took this theory to a new level when he condemned half the people in his domain to listen to Morrissey and spend time with Jason Hirst so the other half would feel good. The expirement never reached completion, however, as Jesus Christ foiled his plans.