“The only man I ever loved died on Valentine's day, trying to prove his love to another woman...”
“HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!!!!!”
Valentines day (also known as V-Day or Emo Poem day or chocolate day) signals the start of the human mating season. Around February 14th, females of the human race release a hormone, attracting males from all over.
This hormone may make males irritable, often causing them to compete for their desired female by working themselves into a frenzy of shopping. The male will exchange gifts with the female and often invite them to a party or school dance. Woe to the male who forgets or ignores this holiday, for the infamous Hallmark curse will cause him to break up with his significant other, should he have one, or cause him to be branded "unromantic" for life.
Cupid, the perennial emblem of Valentine's Day, is the mischievous and voyeuristic cherub who, with his Bow of Blinding, has wrongly linked more hapless couples together than angry farmers with shotguns. He enjoys a far better reputation than he deserves owing to the human habit of crediting the person who introduced a happy new couple to each other, but forgetting who that person was by the time it all ends in tears.
Since a recent statistical analysis showed definitively that less than 5% of relationships actually last long enough to be rewarding, Cupid's heretofore legendary aim and foresight has been debunked, exposing him as little more than an arbitrary sniper with an obsolete weapon.
As the ranks of the romantically ruined continue to grow due to Cupid's ceaseless depridations it has reached a kind of critical mass, as Egypt has. Once thought of as an immutable fixture that had to be tolerated, Cupid (the Mubarak of love) is now seen as vulnerable. His days are numbered; there's a price on the little bastard's head and a number of 'unlucky at love' angry and well-armed celebrities actively hunting for him.
The Valentine's Poem
Since the dawn of time, men have been plagued by the dilemma of how to get girls to spread their legs without expressing their feelings. Early attempts involved springs, car jacks, and possibly the most unsuccessful invention of all time: the wheel. Finally, a man named George Washington Carver managed to bust a nut without cracking his outer shell by inventing the Valentine's Poem.
The Valentine's Poem enables men to avoid writing a truly heartfelt poem by using the well known "roses are red" template. It uses an incredibly complex meter, which Albert Einstein once calculated to be a mathematical paradox. This is the brilliance of the Valentine's Poem. While a girl reading the poem experiences a tender feeling, that feeling is actually hollow since the poem does not actually exist.
Here are a couple of examples of successful Valentine's Poems:
Roses are red
Violets Are Blue
All my base
Are belong to you
- Badly Translated Game Designer From Tokyo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia
POEMS WRITE YOU!
Here is an example of an unsuccessful Valentine's Poem.
Come 'ere so I can impregnate yer!
Valentine's Day is part of a government conspiracy to get the nation to breed and build up its population. It was invented during the American Revolutionary War by General Valentine as a way to swell the ranks of American revolutionary army. This program is the only reason why America won the Revolutionary War and every other war since.
It is well documented that King George III felt threatened by Valentine's Day, and on February 14, 1775 the British Army commenced Operation Cockblock, a devious nighttime offensive in which they planned to walk into patriots' bedrooms without knocking first, initiating coitus interruptus. Fortunately for the patriots, a genetically-inferior man named Paul Revere learned of this attack and rode from Boston to Lexington, warning the patriots with his now-legendary chant:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The British are coming
So blow your load soon
Thanks to Paul Revere, the American patriots sired a new generation of soldiers, who unfortunately matured at a time when there were no wars and there wouldn't be for a long time. Four score and seven years later, as a symbolic flipping of the bird to Paul Revere for the hardships he caused those patriots, President John Wilkes Booth made Valentine's Day a national holiday on which Americans are required by law to have sex. However, the holiday no longer has a reproductive purpose and it is common for Americans to practice birth control by giving each other Hello Kitty Valentine's Day cards, which have been proven to render men sterile.
After sending the love poem to the girlfriend anonymously, and requesting a venue for their Valentine's Night, the two emos will meet up, usually in the local knife shop or tattoo parlour. The female emo (hereafter referred to as the femo) will feel sorry for the male emo's (hereafter referred to as the memo) desperate attempts at winning her heart. Luckily, the femo has her hair fringe so far below her eyes that she cannot see how
pathetic and ugly the memo is, so the two get along pretty well. It's best to just leave them alone at this point, as they can lash out extremely violently when provoked, extremely unusual emo behavior. This is though to be due to the otherwise dormant sex drive now suddenly present within their bodies. It's best to just leave them alone at this point, and wait for the femo to cut her hair.