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Screenshot of Valhalla

Valhalla, not to be confused with Elysium, is a popular video game written in the tenth century by the God of programming, and King of Rohan at the time, Donald Knuth, to distract the Norwegians from their battles over territory in Middle-earth, as they were already taxed by Orc raids coming down from the Ered Trollveggen, drastically rising rates of polo-related fatalities, and high taxes.

With the counsel of L. Ron Hubbard, fashion designer, mentor, and world-renowned expert in crafting reality surrogates (cf. bullshit), Knuth endeavored to create a game that would simulate the conquest of the many fell beasts of Middle-earth, leading to a false sense of achievement, and drawing Norway away from the real battles. Consulting the severed head of Mimir, King Knuth (known to close friends as 'The Donald') found that Perl would most certainly afford the Riddermark victory, because Perl, after all, is nearly incapable of handling exceptions. Hubbard and Knuth brainstormed over a bong and pizza and developed landmark ideas that would become formative in the modern game industry, such as 'levels', artificial milestones which give the player a false sense of power and progress, and 'traps,' men who closely resemble women, which weaken the player and destroy his items, goading him into wasting more time on developing a failing character (cf. Iraq). During an intense fika session, they hacked out the first release of Valhalla and released it to the Norwegian public through the popular Norwegian social networking website, NecroSpace.

Typical Vahalla players: wrist exercised fag^H^H^H'fancy boys in traditional garb'

Valhalla reduced the Norwegians' then excellent GPAs by upwards of two points and emanated a field of enchanted darkness that caused crippling cases of rickets among the sunlight-deprived Norwegian soldiers (also known as "soljahs," a term coined by the Rza of The Wu-Tang Clan). At last, in the year 939 C.E. (by the Shire reckoning), Norway's economy and military collapsed under the immense strain Valhalla exerted on them, and enabled Donald Knuth to vanquish the Norwegians once and for all. He consolidated his authoritarian rule from the Misty Mountains to Osgiliath, until Sauron (aliases: The Necromancer, Che Guevara, Steve Vai) waged a brilliant Communist coup against the corrupt Rohirric dictatorship and established the People's Republic of Mordor some sixty years later. Valhalla itself, however, has since resulted in countless instances of severe brain damage, school dropouts, obesity, homosexuality, man-on-dog action, and markedly decreased programmer productivity throughout the world.

What people have to say about Valhalla[edit]

“Shut up, you fool! I've almost defeated this pit of Trolls!”

“Valhalla's down by the bayou, reckon it's buried deep under the ground. 'Other day my Jenny went down there, said was most limp wristed fancy boys in bearskins with braids.”


~ Johan Hegg

“Been there once, only can complain about the coffee.... it was slightly cold.”