Van Helsing

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“And what's the deal with that vampire-killing guy? Am I right? I mean...he walks around all day, looking for creatures of darkness to kill! Is there anything better to do other than kill undead creatures? I mean...those undead have feelings too! If I were an undead guy, I certainly wouldn't want to get stabbed in the heart! I mean...really now! *Insert more pointless comedic rambling insight here*.”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on Van Helsing

“Holy crap! That freaking Van Helsing jerk stole my iPod! Someone kill him!”

~ Abraham Lincoln on Van Helsing stealing his music-listening device

“Hey, it's not the best paying job in the world, but it pays the bills. And those vampire chicks are flipping hot!”

~ Van Helsing on his career choice

“Crap! I picked the worst time to be a vampire! While that crazy little Italian guy is running around! No, I don't mean Robert DeNiro!”

~ Tom Cruise/Dracula on Van Helsing

“Vampires?! Is that some new STD?! Can you catch it from other men?! Oh jeez...that Van Helsing is hot..I hope he can gimme some of that 'vampires'!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Van Helsing and vampires


The Origin of Van Helsing[edit]

Van Helsing is known throughout the world as that guy who was played by Hugh Jackman. His original name was Vanini Helsingio. He later changed his name because it sucked. Before his vampire-slaying career began, he worked at an Italian restaurant with his father, Jon Bon Jovi. At the age of 4, a band of werewolves broke into the restaurant and knocked his father to the floor. Before Van had a chance to stop them, the werewolves found Bon Jovi's famous spaghetti recipe and ran off into the night with it. A few years later, a restaurant across the street opened up called "The Werewolf Spaghetti House of Love". Bon Jovi's restaurant soon went out of business. Vanini and his father were thrown out onto the street, without a home. Little Vanini swore from this point on that he would combat the forces of evil and prevent future recipes from being stolen.


Early Career[edit]

He couldn't begin fighting evil right away. He had to prepare himself. His second job after his father's restaurant was as a sitcom writer. The show he helped write was Scrubs. After he realized that the show was controlled by Satan because of its hypnotic powers, he quit the job. Later, he got a job as a bank teller. After this didn't work, he finally decided to become a vampire slayer.


Van Helsing's Many Enemies[edit]

The Zombie

LOOK OUT!

This is one of Van's ugliest villains. He is well-known across Europe for his ability to be alive while dead. Van Helsing had a near-death encounter with The Zombie once, but fortunately, he brough his trusty zygote, which scared The Zombie away. Before Van Helsing had a chance to kill the wretched fiend, Hanna Montana axed the creature in the face. Paramedics arrived on the scene to see The Zombie's excessive bleeding. They rushed him to the hospital. The Zombie died on the operating table. His funeral was held the next day, and many went to see the beautiful ceremony. Van Helsing was framed for The Zombie's death, because Hanna Montana was nowhere to be found. Later, Van Helsing was able to pay off the police that were after him by giving them a large amount of donuts.

Dracula

LOOK OUT!

Dracula is the arch nemesis of good old Van Helsing. They have had many a battle together. They even went to Pizza Hut together. Their rivalry began when they were children. Little Dracula was swinging on the swings, all alone and happy. Little Van walked up to Dracula and shoved him off the swing. Dracula started to cry while Van kicked dirt in his eyes. All this bullying turned Dracula into a blood-obsessed psychopath. On the playground in 5th grade, Van Helsing started to punch Dracula in the face. Dracula finally fought back by kicking Van Helsing in the gastrointestinal sphincter. Van Helsing was so stunned, he went into a coma that lasted eight years. When he finally woke up, Van Helsing swore he'd be more of a bully to Dracula than ever before.

Vampire Bunny

LOOK OUT!

This poor creature started out so innocently. It was hopping along one day when it came up to the foot of Van Helsing. Van Helsing wasn't much for cute animals, so he kicked it through a field goal. It went through the window of a vampire's home. The vampire was SOOO angry, it bit the poor bunny right on the neck! The bunny soon developed a love of blood. Fortunately, it didn't have enough time to spread the vampire virus for while hopping across the street, it was ran over by a bank teller driving a Hummer.

Later Career[edit]

Before Van Helsing died, he completed his greatest achievement, training future monster hunter Billy Idol, who has killed such monsters as Sasquatch, the Minotaur, and the Loch Ness Monster.

The Death of Van Helsing[edit]

Van Helsing's doom was predicted by a talking guinea pig. Van Helsing believed this because he was really high on glue at the moment. The guinea pig told him he would die from a brain problem. Van Helsing went to the doctor's later to get this checked, but nothing seemed to be wrong. He assumed the guinea pig lied to him, so he threw it into a wood chipper. At the age of 40, while watching a new episode of Heroes, his brain exploded. Police on the scene said the cause of death was from watching too many overrated television shows.

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