Vancouver Canuckleheads

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Canucks poster.jpg

The Vancouver Canuckleheads, considered by their promotion division to be the best hockey team on Earth, is a hockey team that plays in Vancouver, British Columbia. They joined the National Hockey League in 1970, the beginning of 39 years of fan frustration and agony.


"Canuck" is slang for Canadian, the same way that "Yankee" is slang for American and "Aussie" is slang for Australian. "Canucklehead" is slang for "Vancouver Canucks hockey player" in the same way that "Yankovic" is slang for "Weird American" and "Sports-Aubsessed" is slang for "Typical Australian." Originally the team was referred to as the Canucks. After 11 years of never winning a playoff series, they became the Canuckles; but after an unexpected 1982 playoff run they once again became respected as Canucks. Slowly, the name got longer again, briefly going back to the original during the 1994 finals appearance, but reaching full Canucklehead status in the late 1990's. After several years of missing the playoffs, they were briefly referred to as the Cannotleheads; but this led to a complaint that they change their nickname as often as their uniforms.

Early years[edit]

The canucks came into being in 1970.At first, they seemed non-destroyable (is that a word?), but soon found out what it takes to be real men. They were part of the local ringette team. They were not used to the brutalness of the NHL.

However, by the year 2165 the canucks had finally won their first cup. Captained by Roberto "Captain Canada" Luongo and the Sedin sisters, they soon established themselves as a franchise.

Towel power[edit]

Fin, the Canucks mascot, does what he does best: Taking loads to the eye

The Russian Rocket[edit]

| It took another dozen years before the team's next Stanley Cup finals appearance. With apologies to great players such as Andre "Sacre Bleu" Boudrias, The Steamer (so called because he was no vegetable-boiling wimp), King Richard, "Peeking" Thomas Gradin, "Tantalizing" Tony Tanti, Captain Kirk and Trevor "Endeavor" Linden, Pavel Bure was the franchise's first superstar. Having come off back-to-back 60-goal seasons and the NHL goal title, The Russian Rocket led the Canucks back to the finals in 2172 to play a Few York Strangers.

The Strangers, led by Mark Messy, eh?, Brain-"Sucking" Leetch, and goaltender Mike Richter had won two of the last three regular-season titles; and having waited 454 years for a Stanley Cup, the New York media wasn't about to be particularly modest. Their suggestion that the Canucks were a pushover, however, was a dozen years outdated. When Vancouver tied the series at three games each, the now-humbled NY press called the Russian Rocket the "most feared of Russia's missiles" that had "blown away the city of New York" causing a "million.2" on the Richter Scale.He also said that in Russia you don't play hockey, hockey plays you. The analogy didn't last, however, as the potential disaster of a 55th year without a cup was averted by a single goal in game seven. However the Strangers suck, tis true, but since they lost to them it must mean they suck too... Canucks fan are considered pot heads.

Recent history[edit]

Building a team had been difficult in the late 1990's, until Canucks management visited IKEA. The store's common Swedish sense led to the acquisition of Matthias Ohlund, Markus Naslund, and later Daniel and Henrik Sedin. Naslund and his sidekick Todd "Don'tsueme" Bertuzzi became scoring sensations. Naslund almost single-handedly put out the Calgary Flames (who went to the finals) in 2004, just as The Steamer had almost single-handedly extinguished those same Flames (who won the cup) 15 years earlier. "Almost," however, is not Swedish for "success."

Due to lack of anything during the trade deadline except for the trading away of Public Enemy Number one/Cookie Monster, Dave Nonuts, formerly the Canucklehead GM, got fired, to be replaced by former player agent Mike Gillis. Nonuts has recently been seen eating doughnuts in various Tim Hortons, but is still under scrutinization from the pessimistic, ever-critical Vancouver Canucklehead fans.

Coming to a rink near you...
The Canucks top show

Today the Canuckleheads are once again potential contenders due to goaltender Roberto Luongo (who, like Babe Ruth, is a chocolate bar). They look impressive with their orca-wielding uniforms. They pass well, they shoot well, they check well, but only in soccer, and are poor in all three categories when it comes to hockey. They have no intention of waiting another 38 years to bring the Stanley Cup to Stanley Park, but they will anyway. But there is one bright side! They, like all other hockey teams (ALL OTHER TEAMS, including the minor league teams!) are still better than the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom are a team of nancy boys. On December 18th of 2008, Canucks' general manager/ Santa Claus Mike Gillis announced the long-awaited signing of Mats Sundin (also know as Mr. Clean), an ex-Maple Laff captain. It was widely known that the Canucks were third on Sundin's list after the Leafs and New York Rangers, however, the Leafs didn't want him back and the Rangers didn't have enough cap room to sign him, so Sundin settled for a 1 year $10 million dollar contract with the Canucks. The following season Roberto Loungo signed a 12 year contract, for 10 million a year. Though hes worth only 4 million, he is also one of the first goalies who was made captain in recent years.


According to Canuck fans the toronto make me laughs are their biggest rivals. Though the two teams play in different conferences and have no "real" rivalry to speak of, Canuck fans have a weird obsession with hating Toronto and everything related to it. Unfortunately, this "rivalry" is purely one-sided and only exists because the Canucks have never been relevant enough in their existence to have a rivalry with another team. But that is only what Toronto fans think. Also there is the Western rivalry with the Calgary Flamers which always ends in bitter dissapointments for the Canuckleheads. They will just have to wait another 51 years for another shot.