Varndean School

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Varndean School
Just another lunchtime at Varndean School
Motto If you run, we'll get the gun.
Established 1337
Head Albus "Fat Bastard" Dumbledeighan (merely a puppet of the Scottish Parliament)
Location Brighton, England
Enrollment hundreds and hundreds of chavs
Mascot Jimmy Savile

β€œI learn big numbers today!”

Varndean School is a military shooting ground originally built and funded by the british war office which is generally open to the public for the whole academic year as a resort for those with violent personality disorders wishing to take out their vicious anger on the students who attend the school. Many students are never noticed missing by the few brave teachers working at the school as they are quickly replaced by immigrants arriving from Croydon who have been lured to brighton with the promise of hundreds of bins to vandalise.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Varndean School.

Varndean was founded in 1884 in central York as an Municipal Secondary School for children who were trained for use as special operatives behind enemy lines during wars. During World War I, the York Place buildings were also taken over for use as an Indian Military Hospital and not returned until 1919. In 1926, the school moved to a new site on the outskirts of Newcastle. It was renamed 'Varndean' School for Girls, after the golf grip which was popular with the fathers of many who attended the school.

During World War II half the school evacuated to Brighton, where the students were trained for D-Day and sent to Omaha Beach. The death rate of the students landing on the beaches of Normandy was 100%, probably due to the poor level of military training the young soldiers received. Having lost all their students, the school was reconstituted in 1952 by drawing in the 1500 lowest achieving students in the british isles.

There were no significant changes until the 1970s, when the combination of the comprehensive movement and the take-over of Brighton by East Sussex County Council saw the introduction of training for tank and anti aircraft weaponry.

In recent years, several building projects have resulted in increased combat training for students. In the original building, several rooms have been converted into karate dojos, and extensions made to house new artry rooms, a weapons suite and extra ammunition for weapons such as the AK47 and M16. A Sports hall and an astro-turf pitch have also been added. The Balfour Building, opened in 1993, houses surveillance and counter surveillance technology. The Friar Building, in use since 2000, accommodates English and Humanities havoc-causing youths. In 2008 a new expanded Library opened in the Ditchling building, it was refurbished in 2013 as the new Reading Room. Varndean was the first specialist school in the city in Technology in 1998. In 2005 it went on to be designated a high-performing specialist school; in 2006 Varndean obtained its second specialism in spy training, followed by a third specialism in Applied Marksmanship in 2007.

In very recent years the school has "invested" in a military operative virtual infiltratory fallus training center, rumors have spread claiming the workcamp school was awarded the funding to create the complex by the British home office but have been de-bunked and de-publicised by Dumbledeighan himself due to the fact it was actually built using stolen orphan money and on the basis of a strong Mormon belief.

Head's Warning Welcome[edit]

β€œIt takes a village to raise a child unless they have no food”

~ some random african

I offer you a very warm welcome to Varndean School (forgive the machine-gun fire) and thank you for taking the time to find out more about us (voluntarily or otherwise).

Varndean School is a place where people matter however we believe that individuality should be beaten out of our student and replaced with the ability to fight and die in Afghanistan the name of more oil british interests in the middle east around the world. Our staff get to know the whole young person and their families, and we pride ourselves in breaking their minds and making them into the best cannon fodder soldiers they can be.

We aim to get the very best out of every student, one way or another. Through planning painful engaging learning, assessment, "extra support" and forceful penetration intervention students know where they are in their learning and how to improve.

Many thanks, Albus Dumbledeighan, Headteacher at Varndean School